Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Chapel
University
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre

Contents
Articles
Books
CDs / Videos
Tips
Services

Resources
Forums
Membership
Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us

Search

Take the Couple Check-up!

Marriage Week UK

Marriage first aid

Online support for your marriage

Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet


Home > Forums
2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums  
Old 17th January 2013, 09:06 AM   #1
Dorney1
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 6
Need to talk

Hi everyone,

I have a small crisis happening in my life, I've already made my decision and have my own thoughts but currently have nobody to talk to and would just lkke to vent/get opinion.

Im 29 my wife is 27 and we've been inseperable since we met 5 years ago and we've been marrried 18 months. We've been through so much in that time, I had a blood cancer that required chemotherapy and radiotherapy, her dad has mental illness, we have travelled the world, gotten married, bought a house. Through all that weve stuck together, I can count on one hand the amount of times we've argued, it was always me and her against the world.

I treat her like a princess, I've paid off £20k of her debt, I take her on holidays, I spend nearly all my free time with her and whilst I'm sure I'm not perfect, I've been the best husband I can be.

We just had a great christmas where we spoiled each other rotten, we have completed our house sale, resigned from our jobs and we were due to run away together travelling next month.

2 days ago I walked in on her emailing a guy she works with intimately detailing the sex acts they have been performing, her disrespecting me and arranging to meet him again. At that moment my life completely fell apart.

In less than 48 hours I've gone from being the happiest man on earth to at my lowest point, lower than cancer. We live with her parents since the house sale so I know have no job, no where to live and no wife. My plans for life were based on us and my world is shattered.

Shes offered no reason, has accepted no responsibility and despite telling me she wants to work at or marriage over ****ing facebook she has not called me or chased me or begged of apologised. To compound matters she is still in contact with him and even sent him a message apologising! Covered in kisses and saying she hopes they can stay in touch.

Thoughts appreciated. I genuinely have no idea how we got here. I genuinely believed we were soul mates who would be together for ever.
Dorney1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th January 2013, 09:46 AM   #2
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Need to talk

She is in adultery Dorney. The marriage is broken until she actually repents of it. If you stay with her while this is going on you will become a doormat. You have to sever from her until such time she seriously repents of what she is doing. You can not manipulate her repentance. It has to come from her. Also it is possible she will never repent so you will have to steel yourself for that as well.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th January 2013, 03:48 PM   #3
Dorney1
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 6
Re: Need to talk

What would be acceptable repentance?

I'm afraid a sorry just won't cut it.
Dorney1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th January 2013, 04:24 PM   #4
Forever
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,408
Re: Need to talk

Are you still living with her parents now?

I would take my share of the money from the sale of the house right away, open up my own bank account, and get my own place set up. So much for the travel plans...that was quite conniving of her, to lead you on and get you to let go of all of your assets whilst carrying on an affair under your nose. You may as well put your money to good use now, as you cannot stay with her or her parents.

This is no "small" crisis. Get back into the work force...you need it to maintain sanity. Repentance would look a whole lot different than what she continues to do. You are right, sorry is not enough. She must sever all contact with that guy and commit herself to doing all she can to earn your trust and forgiveness. She must be transparent and open all of her doings to your scrutiny for as long as it takes until you are confident that she has had a change of heart about what she has done.

Do you have anyone that will let you stay with them until you can get a place of your own?

What gall! Talking to you on Facebook? Good grief. Get away from her.

Last edited by Forever; 17th January 2013 at 04:32 PM.
Forever is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th January 2013, 05:09 PM   #5
Dorney1
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 6
Re: Need to talk

Thanks for the advice. The above is something I wrote yesterday and there's been a few developments since.

She has since apologised, and has decided to now blame herself entirely and has said she can't give me a reason or excuse because she did it out of selfishness, work boredom and because she could. She's making no excuses.

She also provided me her secret email address and password (although it was empty all deleted for what she thought was forever) and I managed to get gmail to restore ALL emails since the account was opened less than 10 days ago.

Now, I won't lie, the behaviour is shocking and what I read has scarred me for life and I can't see a way past it. However, it did happen once and once only, that much I have proof of. Also, from the second she was caught by me, every single email exchange with him is about how I'm too good for her, how she's let me down, how she's destroyed our relationship and how they're both losing the people they love. There isn't a single email suggesting they carry this on.

Now these emails are 100% genuine, dating back over the last 10 days (that's as long as this flirting ending up in s*x has lasted). All were deleted and restored by Gmails staff so they're not there to make a bridge. They actually show genuine remorse and self loathing.

She's agreed to my demands for a divorce immediately on the grounds of adultery and has also unequivically agreed (and signed) to me keeping every penny as she feels it's my money and she's in the wrong. The only thing she has asked for is her own car, jewellery and possessions.

In terms of this being her plan, it certainly wasn't. Our house had been for sale for 6 months whilst we planned our trip and this relationship started 10 days ago.

She wants forgiveness and me back - I don't think I can do that. She has said that I deserve better and she will agree to whatever it is that I want.
Dorney1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th January 2013, 06:47 PM   #6
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Need to talk

I would say there is sincere repentance there Dorney which had been coming for a time judging by her e mails, but if you are not able to forgive then it must be a parting of the waves.

Read Snowmike's threads. A similar situation but for much longer. In his case the marriage seems back on track.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th January 2013, 07:25 PM   #7
Forever
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,408
Re: Need to talk

She seems genuine in her repentance...how about giving this some time to see if you can have a change of heart? I am sure she learned her lesson and would not do such a thing again... this had just started recently and had not been something going on for ages. So sad to throw away everything you had without at least trying to salvage it.

Your call though...the kind of remorse and repentance she has is what we are looking for when we try to help people here...
Forever is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th January 2013, 06:15 PM   #8
Lost
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Need to talk

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dorney1 View Post
She wants forgiveness and me back - I don't think I can do that. She has said that I deserve better and she will agree to whatever it is that I want.
Hi

You'd just have to make sure that she's not with you solely for financial reasons. You bailed her out for her 20K debts in the past out of "love" and you have been bitten quite hard by someone you cared and loved so much.

Hope she's not thinking you are her sugar daddy whilst she lusts after other men for her work boredom etc which she commented on.

Deeply distressing situation to be in!

Good Luck!
  Reply With Quote
Old 21st January 2013, 03:32 PM   #9
Dorney1
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 6
Re: Need to talk

Thanks everyone.

So, she has decided to go to counselling alone. She's admitted that there were basically no problems in our marriage and she still doesn't know why she did it. She thinks it arises from self esteem issues and needing the approval of men.

Personally, I think that's weak. I think in some situations it's easier to find a mental health issue to be responsible so you can pat yourself on the back and tell yourself it wasn't your fault.

Her parents are devasted. They love me like their own son and are both at a loss as to why she did it. Her mum even said that she needs to wake up and see how lucky she was to have had me.

I need some time apart from her as every day the anger get's less but my resentment towards her grows. Primarily because, in my head I created a reality where we loved each in a way that most people don’t. We were the strongest couple who could do anything, as long as they were together. To find out that she didn’t love me in the same way I love her and that my reality didn’t actually exist is heart breaking. To know that my last 5 years wasn’t real and to me everything I believed in has been blown away in an instant and the one person who was supposed to love me and respect me and never ever hurt me is the one who did.
Dorney1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 21st January 2013, 07:03 PM   #10
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: Need to talk

Dorney, some can stay in a marriage where there has been adultery and some cant. Its your call. I think a seperation for a few months is a good idea. It will give you both a chance to think and reflect and you can make a decision after the shock has begun to wear off a bit.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd January 2013, 09:36 AM   #11
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Need to talk

I agree that it can go either way but the way forward is repentance from her, which you have Dorney and forgiveness from you. If you are unable to find forgiveness in your heart then yes the marriage is finished. Maybe you will get to that place in time or not. Have you read Snowmike's thread? Remember forgiveness never justifies the sin but recognises her sorrow over it and the need for your forgiveness. If it ever happened again that would probably be it but in this case I think your forgiveness is the way forward if you can find that in your heart.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd January 2013, 04:02 PM   #12
Lost
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Need to talk

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dorney1 View Post

She's admitted that there were basically no problems in our marriage and she still doesn't know why she did it. She thinks it arises from self esteem issues and needing the approval of men.

Personally, I think that's weak. I think in some situations it's easier to find a mental health issue to be responsible so you can pat yourself on the back and tell yourself it wasn't your fault.
Hi

I totally agree with you.

Adultery is an extreme end of selfish indulgence whilst she was enjoying the benefits of your abundant love and dedication.
I believe everyone is different when it comes to their own attitudes towards adultery. You should take time and heal in your own time. At least, you know the truth instead of being deceived further and much longer.

Take care & whatever you do, good luck.
  Reply With Quote
Old 23rd January 2013, 12:48 PM   #13
Dorney1
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 6
Re: Need to talk

I'd like to thank everyone who has taken the time to respond.

At this point, my wife has had a sort of mental breakdown it would seem. I didn't give you all the facts about her family life before but her mother was an orphan and raised in an orphanage in Ireland her entire adolescent life (staying until 18) and has never shown any kind of warmth, love, compassion towards anything (she even asked me to leave the house a few days ago because I was making HER feel bad and bringing her down). She is just generally a cold, selfish lady.

Her dad on the other hand, whilst not much of a communicator, is a kind gentle soul interlaced with severe episodes of bipolar and has had them since my wife was a little girl. His worst episodes were him throwing their animals at the wall, being physically abusive to her mother, creating living wills (boxes of crap all over the home) and racking up £'s of debt over the course of a few weeks. He's been sectioned multiple times and I've had to take her in to the wards to see him on occasions. Also, when she was a child, her dad, due to his inability to talk/show affection showered her with gifts instead. So she was materially spoilt but completely starved of any love.

Add to that both of her parents were alcoholics.

Which leads me to this point and my decision. Whether this is all genuine and years of repressed issues or just a cunning rouse to get me back – I honestly don’t know. Initially I didn’t believe a word of her remorse but physically and mentally she’s coming across as slap bang in the middle of a genuine breakdown.

I've told her that there's no guarantees we will ever work this out but right now that shouldn't be her concern. I made a vow to support her through the worst and that's what I'm going to do. I'm taking her to her first counselling session tonight. I'm also moving out because I genuinely think she needs to heal herself and understand herself fully before we can ever even consider reconciliation. She needs to be 100% clear in her own mind the reasons why she goes about self-destructive behaviour, why she dislikes herself so intensely and what she really wants from her life moving forward.

I've explained to her this might never work as far as us, but as she talks about suicide and her regret for hurting me I see it as my duty of care to at least get her out the other side, alive and well. Unfortunately, right now, my feelings and my needs are on the back burner, I’ll make my decisions when she’s well again.

Thanks again.

Last edited by Dorney1; 23rd January 2013 at 01:05 PM.
Dorney1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 23rd January 2013, 02:05 PM   #14
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Need to talk

It's no wonder she feels as she does Dorney with her background. Without taking away any of her responsibility it is understandable where she is coming from.

I think you are doing very well in the circumstances but I can almost guarantee that her main problem is self rejection as a person. This will be in her head. Nobody loves me. I'm no good etc. etc. Many orphans have this due to lack of nurture in their childhoods.

I also was brought up entirely in orphanages including two convents with catholic nuns (mostly Irish) where they could beat you with canes. One left these places with an accute inferiority complex and found relationships very hard. Half of them ended up in prison. If someone loved you, you almost had to reject them before they rejected you as you knew it was coming as that is what you believed.

My personal answer came through Christ who I realised offered a personal relationship of God's love and not religion which I had had enough of.

You are probably the closest person to your wife that she has known and she will have bitterly regretted her actions. There is a personal struggle for true intimacy with orphans and they will often seek it in the wrong places. This doesn't ever justify adultery which is wrong. The only place of true intimacy should be with your spouse and I might add God who touches places where others cannot reach and enables one to be faithful for life.

I really hope and trust that you will be able to help your wife through what she is going through. I do believe forgiveness will help in her healing. She knows she has fallen and doesn't need to be punished. When I say forgiveness I am not necessarily saying the marriage relationship should be restored. That is up to you of course but I can see that forgiveness is much needed in this situation.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 23rd January 2013, 03:26 PM   #15
Dorney1
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 6
Re: Need to talk

Thanks Raymond.

Just to say, it's her mother who was an Orphan, not her. But she has been brought up by two parents with their own mental issues - her mother because she was an orphan has never shown her any love and a father with extreme bi-polar who can't communicate.

The way I see it is a good dish is made up of great ingredients. Unfortunately for my wife, the ingredients (her parents and her upbringing) have left her as a very bad dish.
Dorney1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 04:46 PM.


Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


Top

Copyright ©1999-2024 2-in-2-1 Limited. All rights reserved. Disclaimer