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18th December 2014, 11:02 AM
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#16
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
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Re: Yet another " I love you but I'm not in love with you" thread
IT sounds to me that she may be hoping to re start the relationship once you have gone. Maybe he has said to her that he wont see her until you are separated? Anyway, as I said dont even think of moving out, far too many men in your position do so(my husband did the same with his ex)and its just not fair or right. She is the one in thew wrong, and if she wants to leave she is free to do so. Have you said that to her, that if she is wanting to separate then she can leave? YOu did the right thing warning the guy, why shouldnt you?
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18th December 2014, 11:10 AM
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#17
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Registered User
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,297
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Re: Yet another " I love you but I'm not in love with you" thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen
IT sounds to me that she may be hoping to re start the relationship once you have gone. Maybe he has said to her that he wont see her until you are separated? Anyway, as I said dont even think of moving out, far too many men in your position do so(my husband did the same with his ex)and its just not fair or right. She is the one in thew wrong, and if she wants to leave she is free to do so. Have you said that to her, that if she is wanting to separate then she can leave? YOu did the right thing warning the guy, why shouldnt you?
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Morning Chosen
Perhaps, that's why I'm waiting. But to be honest I don't think he has the emotional maturity to do that. He'll be chasing girls at every opportunity. He's that type of person he is. And I did at the start during the fighting stage tell her to leave but she is determined to take my son with her. Now I know that's blackmail but I don't want him caught in the middle of all of this. It's going to be hard enough for him not having his dad around as well as being wrenched out of the family home. So, I'm staying and will only leave on MY terms, not hers. And it isn't going to be any time soon.
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18th December 2014, 04:25 PM
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#18
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Registered User
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,297
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Re: Yet another " I love you but I'm not in love with you" thread
So
For those kind folks still following this I’d like to shift the conversation away from the infidelity and focus on my part in this downfall. I’d really appreciate any female advice if there is any to offer. Please bear in mind she is very closed off from me at the moment, no touching or anything and conversations are merely amicable and functional. Not chatty and fun, no warmth.
Ok her first point – I drink too much. Can’t argue with that and I’m doing something about that, but for my own sake as I need to do that for me.
I don’t engage. Now this one is a bit harder. That’s a two way street but I admit I let that slip quite a bit. We used to talk all the time and were always on the same page. But as usual things started getting in the way of that. Anyway, now that I’m here how do I get that back without it being too obvious? I mean, if I start trying to have long conversations with here she is only going to feel more smothered than she does right now and that’s worse, yet if I back off I could look distant and not engaging (the very thing she resents in the first place).
I took our relationship for granted. In a way that is true, I could have been more romantic, a bit more pillow talk. Snuggling up to bed at the same time. Trouble with that is she goes to bed much earlier than me and gets up much earlier than me.
And the real killer, and this is for all the men out there. I lost my self esteem, and to women there is nothing less attractive than a man who isn’t strong. Ok, we all have our moments of weakness but I was low, really low and this is the result. I’ve picked myself up now but that will take quite a bit of time to filter through to her.
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19th December 2014, 10:52 AM
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#19
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Moderator
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
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Re: Yet another " I love you but I'm not in love with you" thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by notDoneYet
Morning Raymond
Thanks for the kind words. Here's were it starts to get interesting. When the bomb shell was first dropped I did it all wrong, just like everyone else. You're not prepared for it. One of the things I did was shoot a couple of warning shots across his bow. No violence you understand, just letting him know the damage he's causing to my family. Now, given the type of persona this person has I recon it's HIM that's backed off. I don't think he wants the hassle. However, I also believe that if I had left she would have went for it, and probably still would if I left tomorrow. Hence the long game. Give it time for her to see the type of person he really is while I mend myself and we will take it from there. Like I said, I need time to sort myself out and I'm in no hurry to leave. Why should I? Still, at this point in time she's still looking at reasons to get rid of me so it's happy face, no arguing and I most definitely won't bring the subject up.
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I get where you ar coming from ndy. I think it is reasonable to fire warning shots across his bow. In some countries they get a bullet in them through that behaviour. Trouble is when your own wife is willing fodder there is a problem. There is hope that she will eventually see through him but you cannot rely just on that. She is being unfaithful in her mind if not in body and one cannot force love.
She has to sort this problem out as well but this is one of those situations that will be revealed with time. Somewhere along the line she has seperated from you and it might be a good aim to find out what went wrong from her point of view when you were a happy couple in the past.
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19th December 2014, 01:31 PM
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#20
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Registered User
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,297
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Re: Yet another " I love you but I'm not in love with you" thread
Hi Raymond. I already know. Problem is she won't face up to it.
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19th December 2014, 09:34 PM
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#21
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Moderator
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
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Re: Yet another " I love you but I'm not in love with you" thread
I've just worked out that she still works at the place where he is although she says she has broken contact with him. As ronnoco points out he will still be affecting her just because he works there.
Well done for working on the drink problem. She would have seen that. I wouldn't worry too much about going through a stage of low esteem. We all live in two worlds. One where we feel no good and one where we are proud. There is a balance to be found and I think one of the ways is in marriage. In proverbs it says that two are better than one for if one falls the other will pick them up. That happens in marriage where both are faithful and a balance happens. Your stage of low esteem is no excuse for an affair as a couple are meant to pull together. I think you have to believe for the best but be ready for the worse in the sense of having a bit of independence. You say she will think you don't care but if she is not open to your love how can you really be close to her. Being a bit independent will not necessarily rule out consideration for her as opportunities will certainly arise if you are still living together. I don't see how you can trust your heart to her at the moment though whilst this fellow is still around at work.
Maybe she will have to learn the hard way and get hurt through him? You may have to let her go for a season while she learns the lesson. From what you have said about him I don't see how there can be a future for her with him once he has used her. It seems very immature to me for a married woman with a child.
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20th January 2015, 05:23 PM
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#22
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Registered User
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,297
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Re: Yet another " I love you but I'm not in love with you" thread
Hi folks
Though I'd drop in to let you all know how my situation has progressed. I now no longer live at the family home and am in negotiations with my wife to split the assets. I'm afraid mine is not a success story but for everyone else out there chin up and good luck. I hope it all works out for you all.
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20th January 2015, 05:35 PM
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#23
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
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Re: Yet another " I love you but I'm not in love with you" thread
I am so sorry, its a horrible situation to be in. Hope you have some good legal advise.
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20th January 2015, 06:57 PM
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#24
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Moderator
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
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Re: Yet another " I love you but I'm not in love with you" thread
I hope it works out for you ndy. Thanks for telling us.
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21st January 2015, 07:06 PM
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#25
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,076
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Re: Yet another " I love you but I'm not in love with you" thread
Good luck mate I feel your pain so much more than you could know, I too got the speech 6 months ago and although there was no affair it has crushed me and I am depressed because of it.
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21st January 2015, 07:16 PM
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#26
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Registered User
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,297
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Re: Yet another " I love you but I'm not in love with you" thread
Thanks for the kind words folks. To be honest I feel so much better now that I've accepted it and have chose to move on. There is relief in finally facing up to it all. Her affair is very real to her, and I can't compete with that. Once the fog in her mind clears I'm sure she will regret this but for now there's no chance she'll stop. So I'm making my own mind up and getting out.
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21st January 2015, 08:10 PM
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#27
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
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Re: Yet another " I love you but I'm not in love with you" thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by notDoneYet
Thanks for the kind words folks. To be honest I feel so much better now that I've accepted it and have chose to move on. There is relief in finally facing up to it all. Her affair is very real to her, and I can't compete with that. Once the fog in her mind clears I'm sure she will regret this but for now there's no chance she'll stop. So I'm making my own mind up and getting out.
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Wise words.
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21st January 2015, 08:29 PM
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#28
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Moderator
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
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Re: Yet another " I love you but I'm not in love with you" thread
I think you are doing the right thing. You are now in control of your situation not her, which is a good place to be. Well done for getting to that place.
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22nd January 2015, 08:50 AM
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#29
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Registered User
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,297
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Re: Yet another " I love you but I'm not in love with you" thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by Raymond
I think you are doing the right thing. You are now in control of your situation not her, which is a good place to be. Well done for getting to that place.
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Thanks Raymond. It is liberating.
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22nd January 2015, 12:08 PM
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#30
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Guest
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Re: Yet another " I love you but I'm not in love with you" thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by notDoneYet
Thanks Raymond. It is liberating.
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Glad to see you are moving on. I have little girls that are looking to me to save the day. So I am finding it very hard to move on.
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