Just Separated and I'm very lost right now

Hello everyone,

I am new to this forum and just found out about it. I'm on here to seek help on my broken marriage. I'm 29 and my wife is 27. I will try to keep this brief. We've been together for 10 years, and married for about 1 year and a half. Married in July 2013. Well it was a long journey with my wife and during the time we had some ups and downs, broke up couple times. But I made a difficult regretful mistake and had unprotected sex during a break up with two female escorts in different times, at this time I did not know the person's HIV status nor did she. I also did steroids but I'm not sure if thats the culprit. So for a while I did not know I had contracted HIV until later. This was years ago and as time went by my wife and I became stronger together and decided to get married and have a wedding. We went to a honeymoon to Aruba and had a fantastic time together. Unfortunately a month down the road I started experiencing some health issues, ear infection, rashes on my face. All that was treated, until I took a physical check up, full blood work from my primary doctor. Waited for results and the unexpected happened that I had contracted HIV and not only that but at a late stage AIDS. So I took everything very serious and got medical help and now I'm taking my regimen daily to improve my health. My wife got tested a couple times and she is negative good news.

So I had to break the news to my wife two months from our marriage. Around late September or early October I told my wife I had HIV and had to explain what happened. She was devastated and just couldn't believe it. But I didn't tell her every detail, because I was afraid to. So she became supportive at the beginning but then losing trust because I started lying about all the details, basically not exposing the full stories. So we talked it out and decided to immediately seek counseling. She started on her own first. Eventually we started couples counseling with the same therapist. Things were going very well and noticed during the year she was coping with our issues and it looked like we were going somewhere with this. I was happy and I tried my best to be there for her and do whatever I could to make her happy and supportive. Even though she still had little doubts or lack of trust she was trying to cope with.

Flashforward to Thanksgiving week. Early in the week we were doing just fine until Friday I noticed she started acting differently. She had scheduled to go out of town for the weekend with her friend at Atlantic City Casinos. She was leaving Friday night, and I had to work during the day through late at night. So I couldn't see her leave. I tried to kiss her before going to work and she had this very strange body language and didn't want to kiss me, she wasn't showing any loving emotions like I will miss you be back soon can't wait... So I let that go and she did not contact me but once through text message and thats all through the weekend. Sunday night I texted just saying how she's doing and can't wait to see her Monday. Monday she comes back late at night and notice that she doesn't come back with excitement, she came back talking on the phone with her sister or friend, almost like a typical day from work. But this was from a three day vacation and she doesn't show any emotions towards me like she misses me. So I got upset and asked her whats wrong but she said nothing. Tuesday is when she decided to break her news on her decision that she wants a divorce. Obviously I was in a panic, emotionally depressed crying. Begging and so forth. She told me that she wanted to be separated and wait a year to file for divorce. She was saying that it was over and she doesn't love me anymore. She was very cold in her attitude and it wasn't my wife anymore. She told me to move back to my parents...Wednesday morning I didn't know what to do I was angry sad and all these mixed emotions so I took my stuff and moved back with my parents without thinking. I came back the next day to have another talk with my wife, but in a more formal way, and she still had this decision made up. She says she doesn't love me the same way anymore, and that if she were to get back to me it would be just be for me to make me happy. She wants to be alone and seek happiness that way or look for a new partner in the future. Now going three days without any contact. I am not sure if what I did was right or wrong by moving out to my parents. And giving her what she wanted which is separation. Now thinking about it I believe we should have this moment of space from each other to think about our issues and hoping down the road she will come back. On the other hand I am afraid of losing my wife. I don't want a divorce and I don't want to end this relationship. I love my wife and so far I am very sad devastated and hard for me to accept this situation. I'm not sure if I should maintain a No contact separation or should I try something else. I am already seeking counseling again for myself at the moment. But I am really concerned on how to approach this right now. I don't want to lose my wife. Please help Thank you

[ralfgarnett]

Oh dear what a terrible shame and mess it all is, personally I wouldn't of moved out if she wanted space then she should of left, by leaving you have given her the shift I power balance where you are now at her behest should you need anything from your house, I am not in a position to give you any marital advice as I too am separated from my wife for very different reasons but separated none the less, what I will say is that I feel for you and I feel your pain, god bless you mate I hope that one day all will be ok for you.

Ralf,

Well I kind of regret moving out but my wife and I do not share anything financially. She is owner of the house and the breadwinner. So technically I think I have no business staying there. For the divorce we have to be separated for a year living apart in order to file.

So far I still feel like all of this occurred so quickly and when I moved out on Wednesday I was emotionally angry sad and all that. So it's like I did not take my time to rethink. I decided to contact her once again and asked her if we could still go to couples counseling. She agreed to go with me, but she thinks it's for closure and ending it good. But I'm going so I can get more disclosure from this situation. I feel like there's more to be said from her. And by going to couples counseling I believe I can get something started with her. Where I stand is saving the marriage not divorce. Hopefully there could be hope but it's too early now. I also don't feel safe giving her full space alone because I'm afraid she may get used to it. What do you think about my idea. I just need some advice. I'm hurt and worried with full confusions.

I also want to mention that I get the feeling that there maybe more to just the casinos and she might done something else like see another person. Since she made this decision so abruptly but I can't jump to conclusions and make these assumptions.

[chosen]

if she is willing to go to counselling then brilliant. The cheating you did will have weakened the relationship, as it always does. The trust is shattered and things are never the same again.
She may well be seeing someone else but hopefully that will come out in counselling if its the case.

I have heard of SO many cases where a couple have been together for years and once they marry it all falls apart. Thats why I would always advise a person to never live together until you are fully committed in marriage.

Originally Posted by chosen

if she is willing to go to counselling then brilliant. The cheating you did will have weakened the relationship, as it always does. The trust is shattered and things are never the same again.
She may well be seeing someone else but hopefully that will come out in counselling if its the case.

I have heard of SO many cases where a couple have been together for years and once they marry it all falls apart. Thats why I would always advise a person to never live together until you are fully committed in marriage.

Well my wife and I did not live together until few months before getting married I moved in. We lived apart all those years even had long distance relationship once. She didn't believe in cohabitation at the time. Btw she planned this trip a while ago. Her female co worker invited her to come along. They are pretty close and hang out often.

If things progress in counseling or if she's already made her final decision to divorce me. How often should I stay in contact with her in the upcoming months. I don't want to play any games like a BF GF relationship. Like I'm trying to win her back. To me this matters more and it's a marriage I can hope save.

[ronnoco]

A very difficult situation.

Firstly, I do understand why you would have moved out. I moved out when my wife delivered a pretty much identical speech to yours. Sometimes, there is nothing you can do. I say this expression a lot on here "a bird can't fly on a broken wing" - m,marriage is the same, it takes 2 totally committed people to make it work.

If i'm being completely honest here, my gut instinct is there is someone else. People don't just change overnight and she was cold towards you before the trip. It sounds as if she has been emotionally disconnected from you for a while. Perhaps her heart has become torn and she is infatuated with someone else?

Also, I did find it quite unusual and strange that you were together for 9 years before marriage and/or living together.

Councelling may help but I get the impression that could just be a formality from her. No contact is the better way to go I would say for your situation.

All the best.

[Raymond]

I can understand her decision personally. How could she enjoy sex if you have AIDS? Correct me if I'm wrong but couldn't it be fatal for her if she contracted it through sexual relations with you? It can also be passed on to any of your children. I would imagine that she has thought through all these things.

Originally Posted by Raymond

I can understand her decision personally. How could she enjoy sex if you have AIDS? Correct me if I'm wrong but couldn't it be fatal for her if she contracted it through sexual relations with you? It can also be passed on to any of your children. I would imagine that she has thought through all these things.

Well I had AIDS when I told her and first found out after the results. Now I'm HIV undetectable since I been taking my meds. AIDS is when immune system is destroyed and opportunistic infections occur, which I had before I got tested. My cd4 count was 124 at first. Anything under 200 CD4 count is considered AIDS. Now I have 500 something so I'm undetectable and very unlikely to infect or pass the virus to any one else. There are ways to still have sex one protected the other Negative person has to take PREP pill which will protect them from the virus. Also she could still have a baby naturally or go the expensive method sperm washing.

If I contracted the HIV virus through blood transfusion other method than unprotected sex. She wouldn't be in this situation right now.

[Raymond]

Are you saying that because of the reason you got HIV infected i.e. cheating on her is the reason why she is behaving as she is? If that is so I can understand that to be honest.

Originally Posted by Raymond

Are you saying that because of the reason you got HIV infected i.e. cheating on her is the reason why she is behaving as she is? If that is so I can understand that to be honest.

Well the cheating and how I contracted HIV is a reason she wants the divorce. She can't trust me anymore and does not love me same way. But very strange since she showed all that love the week of thanksgiving then next day Friday it's cold and colder when she gets back Monday. Main reason I want to continue couples counseling one more time is to figure out what made her make a decision overnight, so quickly. I need answers before I can commit to a no contact and move on or progression in the relationship. Still have a whole year till divorce papers are official. Either there's hope she can change and accept me or nothing. Obviously I stand on saving the marriage.

[chosen]

Originally Posted by MC85

Well the cheating and how I contracted HIV is a reason she wants the divorce. She can't trust me anymore and does not love me same way. But very strange since she showed all that love the week of thanksgiving then next day Friday it's cold and colder when she gets back Monday. Main reason I want to continue couples counseling one more time is to figure out what made her make a decision overnight, so quickly. I need answers before I can commit to a no contact and move on or progression in the relationship. Still have a whole year till divorce papers are official. Either there's hope she can change and accept me or nothing. Obviously I stand on saving the marriage.

I doubt it did happen over night, but was the end of a long period of struggle for her that she didnt tell you about. Some people just cant make it work again after cheating and its not surprising really. The only way you will know for sure is if she is honest with you.
Is there any reason why she is supporting you financially?

Originally Posted by chosen

I doubt it did happen over night, but was the end of a long period of struggle for her that she didnt tell you about. Some people just cant make it work again after cheating and its not surprising really. The only way you will know for sure is if she is honest with you.
Is there any reason why she is supporting you financially?

We were financially even at first but few months ago my contract ended so I'm on unemployment benefits and a part time job temporarily.

[Raymond]

I think Chosen may be right. Maybe it took time for the enormity of the situation to penetrate which then led to her decision. She may have also taken advice from others.

The ball lies in her court really and it may turn out that you have no choice but to accept her decision. You have to be open to that.

Originally Posted by Raymond

I think Chosen may be right. Maybe it took time for the enormity of the situation to penetrate which then led to her decision. She may have also taken advice from others.

The ball lies in her court really and it may turn out that you have no choice but to accept her decision. You have to be open to that.

Raymond and chosen,

I will have to agree with you two on this part even though I still feel she did something I cannot prove. I'm just getting mixed feelings like jealousy, betrayal...at the moment I will give her what she is asking for. BTW she texted me saying if I still want to meet with her since I brought up the idea of going back to couples counseling. So I'm meeting with her Monday night at a coffee Shop. I will keep that brief and get into too much. I won't beg or anything just be friendly.

It's so hard and painful deep inside of me I want her back.