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Old 27th November 2014, 11:54 AM   #1
Afrosilk110
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Join Date: Nov 2014
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Newly married and we have not had sex.

I have been married for less than 2 months and we are already havering issues.i don't know where to start;
I am married to a disabled man I have been in a long distance relationship with for 7 yrs. I love my husband and respect him so much (the later has not come easy for me in all my previous relationships). We used to visit one another at least three times a year spending as little as two weeks a visit or as much as three months together during the years.
Last summer I relocated to Europe to get married to him and we got married in September. A month to the wedding, I accidentally landed on a huge web-cam sex clip collection in his computer and I was deeply disturbed but when I thought about it and seeing as most of the clips where dated mostly before we met I let it slip and never mentioned it.

However, that discovery has had a great impact on me and I felt like it was tearing us apart so,two weeks ago out of curiosity, I checked to see if he had gotten rid of the collection and realised he hadn't but also landed on even more disturbing stuff. It looked like he has documented all his previous sexual encounters with very explicit pictures and videos and he was keeping a huge collection of them.
What broke my heart was the realisation that he had had sexual encounters during our time apart( even if he had vehemently denied ever having any sexual encounters while we where dating.) and he was still actively mascareding as a single man on dating sites and flirting with gals,explicitly on-line as recently as two days to my date of arrival into the country.

What makes it worse is we have not had sex in a long while ( way before we got married) but we have always been very affectionate and him very tactile all through the relationship even during the dry phase.
when I brougt it up he said it was because he had lost his libido,( due to lack of practice because I was away) he did promise that we could work on it once I was settled here and I have to admit I believed him due to the nature of his injury he has a spinal cord injury T6 (here are the details of it if intrested http://http://www.spinalinjury101.or...rd-injury.pdf)
Anyway when I did confront him about the affair and the home made porn collection he claimed he had forgotten about the collection, the affair was a mistake that happened because of too much wine one night and that the online flirting was a loose end he fail to properly cut off once he got engaged. He apologised, promised to clean up his act and I was ready to move past it.

However we are still not having sex,we are not talking as before, he is very elusive about what he plans to do about it, and after seeing all the pictures and videos I can't help feeling like he is just rejecting me (he is very experienced and imaginative when it comes to sex so it's not like I was settling to a sexless marrige and this was addressed before hand)

I am frustrated and feel like he probably just married me to have a free live-in maid to take care of him during his old age ( but when you look at the cost of the whole wedding and relocating it is very expensive and I don't see why he didn't just hire an actual carer)
I am tempted to seek sex else where.
The affection is fadding the kisses have come down to mere goodnight kisses, and I feel like I might have made a mistake getting into this marriage.
I am ready to work out our differences and any advise or help out there will be highly appreciated.
I feel heart broken, alone and homesick.
sorry about the length of this I figured if I was going to seek proper help I would detail the whole issue.
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Old 27th November 2014, 01:40 PM   #2
chosen
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Re: Newly married and we have not had sex.

I dont like to say this, but I am sorry to say that I fear you have made a terrible mistake marrying a man who cant be faithful and is very sexually promiscuous and seemingly addicted to porn and other on line sexual activities.

WHat did you mean by 'even more disturbing' stuff? Do his ex girlfriends know they were filmed?

I expect that with 100% effort on both sides and him stopping all this other stuff completely and true repentance on his part, things could improve, but unless he is completely committed to you and is prepared to get rid of all of this porn and never again contact other women, I cant see any hope really. I wish you had heeded the warning that you had. That was a massive red flag.
You looking elsewhere for sex isnt the answer either.

Some serious marriage counseling may help you to see if he is prepared to work at this, but sadly I am not too optimistic without a complete change of heart and direction from him. He seems to have no morals at all.

Last edited by chosen; 27th November 2014 at 04:59 PM.
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Old 27th November 2014, 02:37 PM   #3
Raymond
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Re: Newly married and we have not had sex.

Having a sexless marriage is very common where the husband uses pornography. One could call it mental adultery. What happens is that the sexual drive is diverted into the pornography where everything takes no effort or relationship and then one cannot perform properly with one's spouse as there are many other women in the equation which will be in his head which he won't be able to switch off.

He has obviously practiced this over many years. This stuff is addictive. What evidence do you have that he is not still practicing it behind your back? He is obviously not one who has kept himself pure for marriage and is reaping the fruit of it. I think the man that you thought you had in your communication is not the man you actually have. You have a choice to work things through, if that can ever be done with him or to leave. I find it hard to know how you can build a marriage with the background that exists.
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Old 27th November 2014, 08:52 PM   #4
Afrosilk110
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Re: Newly married and we have not had sex.

@ Chosen I think hey where aware they are all looking at the camera. And for the webcam it's like they are having internet sex ( two people in two different places .... Webcam sex. So yeah the two parties where always participating.
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Old 7th December 2014, 07:00 AM   #5
gracecoburn9
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Re: Newly married and we have not had sex.

I think sex is not everything , it's a part of life, but without it marriage life will not fulfill, so think about it deeply,, and take your decision as soon as possible..it will be better for you,,,,,
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Old 7th December 2014, 11:03 PM   #6
Raymond
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Re: Newly married and we have not had sex.

Sex is such a beautiful thing that is has to be within the boundaries of marriage in my view. I think sex outside of marriage or pornography cheapens it as it is such a wonderful gift from above.
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