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Old 8th December 2014, 05:25 PM   #16
StarryD
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Re: Just Separated and I'm very lost right now

What a truly horrible situation, I feel for BOTH of you albeit for different reasons.
Nobody just decides over night that they no longer love their spouse and want to end a marriage, I think it's a pretty safe bet that this woman has been in emotional turmoil since the first minute she found out what you had done. What's worse is you held back details and continued to lie when she had already chosen to stand by you, despite the fact you had contracted a disease that is terrifying to most people. That right there shows what a commendable person she is.
To be honest with you I can see exactly where she's coming from, not only did the man she loved betray her and every vow you made to her, but you did it in a way where you literally put her life in danger for a few moments of pleasure with nothing more than low class hookers. How could she not be angry and hurt? When the dust settles and as time gradually passes one emotion turns to another, hurt to anger, anger back to hurt.. Until over time a sense of indifference begins to build up. Indifference is the true opposite of love, not hate. It sounds to me like she is already entering this stage .. And the decision to wait a year is nothing more than the fact that this is how the process is done there, not so that you can have time to win her back.
I don't know if your suspicions about her having been with someone else have any foundation to them or whether that's the thoughts of someone who has cheated before and so will automatically jump to those conclusions, perhaps she just needed a few days away with friends to clear her head and have a real think about what it was she was about to come home and do.
You cannot land a bombshell onto a person like the one in your situation and expect everything to be ok and forgotten overnight just because she initially said she will stahnd by you. There are consequences. Imagine the hurt she must have felt .. And then for you to have continued lying... All I personally could suggest at this point since she is clearly only going through motions of counseling etc for your benefit (which shows she still cares) is this.. Write a letter.. Put into words how you truly understand and know how hurt and degraded she must feel, how angry and disgusted she is.. And that you are in yourself..Because you should be... How very sorry you are and what a complete fool you were..How important she is to you..Let her truly see that you first and foremost UNDERSTAND how she may be feeling and how it's ALL caused by your actions and lies..
I feel for your situation I truly do but cheating is the ultimate betrayal and this woman was continuing to have sex with you unaware that you had been elsewhere, without protection and were carrying a serious disease. I'm sure that plays heavily on her mind, that you didn't care about any consequence to your poor decisions and actions. She is entitled to her happiness, but I also feel every marriage is worth fighting for. If she's agreed to some form of counselling maybe it can be turned into some way to get onto a track to salvage something.. Maybe not.. Keep the pressure off, write the letter.. Instead of apologizing and begging be undersanding.. It goes a long way...

Good luck!
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Old 9th December 2014, 04:49 AM   #17
MC85
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Re: Just Separated and I'm very lost right now

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Originally Posted by StarryD View Post
What a truly horrible situation, I feel for BOTH of you albeit for different reasons.
Nobody just decides over night that they no longer love their spouse and want to end a marriage, I think it's a pretty safe bet that this woman has been in emotional turmoil since the first minute she found out what you had done. What's worse is you held back details and continued to lie when she had already chosen to stand by you, despite the fact you had contracted a disease that is terrifying to most people. That right there shows what a commendable person she is.
To be honest with you I can see exactly where she's coming from, not only did the man she loved betray her and every vow you made to her, but you did it in a way where you literally put her life in danger for a few moments of pleasure with nothing more than low class hookers. How could she not be angry and hurt? When the dust settles and as time gradually passes one emotion turns to another, hurt to anger, anger back to hurt.. Until over time a sense of indifference begins to build up. Indifference is the true opposite of love, not hate. It sounds to me like she is already entering this stage .. And the decision to wait a year is nothing more than the fact that this is how the process is done there, not so that you can have time to win her back.
I don't know if your suspicions about her having been with someone else have any foundation to them or whether that's the thoughts of someone who has cheated before and so will automatically jump to those conclusions, perhaps she just needed a few days away with friends to clear her head and have a real think about what it was she was about to come home and do.
You cannot land a bombshell onto a person like the one in your situation and expect everything to be ok and forgotten overnight just because she initially said she will stahnd by you. There are consequences. Imagine the hurt she must have felt .. And then for you to have continued lying... All I personally could suggest at this point since she is clearly only going through motions of counseling etc for your benefit (which shows she still cares) is this.. Write a letter.. Put into words how you truly understand and know how hurt and degraded she must feel, how angry and disgusted she is.. And that you are in yourself..Because you should be... How very sorry you are and what a complete fool you were..How important she is to you..Let her truly see that you first and foremost UNDERSTAND how she may be feeling and how it's ALL caused by your actions and lies..
I feel for your situation I truly do but cheating is the ultimate betrayal and this woman was continuing to have sex with you unaware that you had been elsewhere, without protection and were carrying a serious disease. I'm sure that plays heavily on her mind, that you didn't care about any consequence to your poor decisions and actions. She is entitled to her happiness, but I also feel every marriage is worth fighting for. If she's agreed to some form of counselling maybe it can be turned into some way to get onto a track to salvage something.. Maybe not.. Keep the pressure off, write the letter.. Instead of apologizing and begging be undersanding.. It goes a long way...

Good luck!

Thank you for your response. You inspired me to write a letter for her. I gave it to her at the coffee shop. She read when she got home. Here is the letter below...

"12/08/14
Dear W,

I want to express this moment in time through this letter. When we were about to get married you were hoping to embark on a brand new life with me. It was a major step for us after being together for 10 years; it was very exciting for us to celebrate a beautiful moment to spend together forever. We made our vows and were about to have a long journey ahead of us. Looking at it the positive way, we made it through ups and downs in our relationship and continued this far means a lot. This will be part of our memories forever and will always be. It was great meeting your family especially your mom. It was the hardest thing to witness about your mother’s passing. It’s an honor that I was one of the pallbearers. She was a beautiful outgoing person. She will always be in my heart and I know she is resting in a better place now.
You have been more than the perfect wife that I could have asked for. I want to thank you for all the love you given me through out the years. The moments we were so in love, I remember baking you a carrot cake and surprising you. Those times will be missed. The moment we cuddled talked about how much we love each other, eloping. The love letters we wrote to each other. The plethora collection of pictures we took together. The small trips we made to Philadelphia and New York. Remember that time we decided to get married virtually, we did a Certificate of Virtual Marriage, it says that we joined together on Wednesday, October 26, 2005. I still have that little certificate. We were young and crazy in love. I remember how you were so excited to compete for Miss Maryland, and you were phenomenal, I was lucky to have Miss Maryland as my girlfriend. Planning out how to propose to you was fun. I thought about how you never ridden in a limo before, and how that was a perfect idea to surprise you. I remember looking at your face how excited and emotionally happy you became when I announced the proposal. Looking back at those years puts a big smile on my face, I feel lucky to have met you and fall in love with you.
Now I understand what you’re going through. I know I put you in an emotional turmoil when I first told you about the news, plus continued to lie by not telling the full story when you had already chosen to stand by me. How angry and betrayed you felt. How disgusted you felt. How I literally put your life in danger before I knew about my status. The struggle you were facing through out the year, the dilemma of leaving this marriage. I know you tried your best. We looked into couples counseling and I respect how courageous you were through out the entire year. You didn’t leave right away but stood by me and supported me. I understand it’s a very hard decision for you, especially me. And I respect every decision you make. I am ashamed for my actions and the consequences that followed. I am very sorry for all of this and very sorry for hurting you. It is a shame that you never know what you got until it's gone. I love you and there will forever be a spot in my heart for you. Without you, the better half of me is gone and I would go to high heavens to hell to get that part of me back. I will truly miss you and I hope that with whatever decision you choose to make; you will find true happiness.

H "

She texted me back saying "Thank u for the letter! It's just sooo sad!"

"I would have never thought we would b here...but I just can't deny how I feel...I have tried so hard to be ok and to accept it but I can't....I'm sorry"

For some reason this all made me feel better because I made her think about it. I know this maybe all over now and all I can do is get myself out of this and move on with my life. As sad this maybe for me, I have my family who can support me. But I'd like to thank most of you guys who responded to my thread. I'm still sad and feeling hopeless that she maybe never coming back. But I believe I can make it through. I will try...Deep inside I hope she can reconsider building our marriage but I can't have my hopes up.
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Old 9th December 2014, 05:26 AM   #18
chosen
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Re: Just Separated and I'm very lost right now

Well you did the right thing. Letters can be a brilliant way of being honest and of conveying deep feelings, for men especially who find this hard. It looks as if we were right in that is was the cheating and aids thing that damaged the relationship and caused her to question and doubt. Some people can get past that(I have no idea how) but many cant, because the trust and intimacy is never the same again.
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Old 9th December 2014, 11:16 AM   #19
ronnoco
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Re: Just Separated and I'm very lost right now

I think the letter was a good thing to do - least you know the real reasons now.

Yes, it was a really bad thing that happened but it was many years ago and she did still choose to get married to you didn't she.

You can't change the past but you can learn from it and create a better future for yourself and I admire your openness and honesty about the whole situation.
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Old 9th December 2014, 02:10 PM   #20
chosen
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Re: Just Separated and I'm very lost right now

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Originally Posted by ronnoco View Post
I think the letter was a good thing to do - least you know the real reasons now.

Yes, it was a really bad thing that happened but it was many years ago and she did still choose to get married to you didn't she.

You can't change the past but you can learn from it and create a better future for yourself and I admire your openness and honesty about the whole situation.
yes it is odd that she still choose to marry you despite what had happened. Who knows there may also be someone else, time will tell.
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Old 9th December 2014, 02:58 PM   #21
StarryD
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Re: Just Separated and I'm very lost right now

Good job on the letter, it was good for you to bring up a lot of the good times you shared and a quick reminder of how she once felt for you. Making people think about these things can often lead to mixed emotions and an unsurity of whether they are making the right decision. What I expect has happened, since she did go ahead and marry you anyway, is that over time as she was dwelling over what had happened, how hurt she was etc, a sense of resentment began to build up, especially if you were acting as though nothing had happened once she chose to stay. The seriousness of what you had done and the resulting consequences of your actions were not something anybody could 'get over' or forget in a short duration of time, and if (like many men are) you were reluctant to discuss things further or show some understanding from time to time she probably grew pretty cold inside toward you. If she has met somebody else an infatuation will only heighten her resentment of you and convince her further she is doing the right thing by ending the marriage. But infatuation is very misleading, the grass often seems greener especially when somebody has experienced severe hurt in their marriage, she has clearly been in a vulnerable place. The only way you will know for sure is to ask her, that's assuming she'd tell you the truth, maybe she wouldn't. Perhaps if you approached it the right way she'd have more chance of being honest..
Approach it in an understanding manner.. Like saying you would understand if she'd taken comfort in someone new, that you probably didn't give her the support she must have needed, but that you need to know whether that is the case.. If only so you can go into counseling with complete honesty and know exactly what you're facing. If her mind is made up and the marriage is over, at this point you do still deserve honesty from her despite anything that has happened.
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Old 9th December 2014, 08:24 PM   #22
MC85
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Re: Just Separated and I'm very lost right now

Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen View Post
yes it is odd that she still choose to marry you despite what had happened. Who knows there may also be someone else, time will tell.
I did the cheating before years before marriage. I wouldn't even consider it cheating since I did it when my wife broke up with me and another time when broke up with her. So we weren't together for a few months When the two break ups happened. Obviously it never occurred to me I would contract a disease. I did get tested 2 times but did not continue to do so. So I didn't think it was important for my wife to know about my stupid decisions I made at the time. And since was so long ago I wasn't even thinking about it anymore. When I proposed to my wife I changed. Until we got married two months later I find out and I couldn't deny what I did and was afraid to tell my wife everything all at once. But for her it's cheating and the lies made it worse. I am ashamed now thinking about it. Maybe should have told her every detail all at once but I was too afraid.

Last edited by MC85; 9th December 2014 at 08:30 PM.
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Old 9th December 2014, 08:28 PM   #23
MC85
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Re: Just Separated and I'm very lost right now

Quote:
Originally Posted by StarryD View Post
Good job on the letter, it was good for you to bring up a lot of the good times you shared and a quick reminder of how she once felt for you. Making people think about these things can often lead to mixed emotions and an unsurity of whether they are making the right decision. What I expect has happened, since she did go ahead and marry you anyway, is that over time as she was dwelling over what had happened, how hurt she was etc, a sense of resentment began to build up, especially if you were acting as though nothing had happened once she chose to stay. The seriousness of what you had done and the resulting consequences of your actions were not something anybody could 'get over' or forget in a short duration of time, and if (like many men are) you were reluctant to discuss things further or show some understanding from time to time she probably grew pretty cold inside toward you. If she has met somebody else an infatuation will only heighten her resentment of you and convince her further she is doing the right thing by ending the marriage. But infatuation is very misleading, the grass often seems greener especially when somebody has experienced severe hurt in their marriage, she has clearly been in a vulnerable place. The only way you will know for sure is to ask her, that's assuming she'd tell you the truth, maybe she wouldn't. Perhaps if you approached it the right way she'd have more chance of being honest..
Approach it in an understanding manner.. Like saying you would understand if she'd taken comfort in someone new, that you probably didn't give her the support she must have needed, but that you need to know whether that is the case.. If only so you can go into counseling with complete honesty and know exactly what you're facing. If her mind is made up and the marriage is over, at this point you do still deserve honesty from her despite anything that has happened.
Thanks for the advice, I will try it out on Friday. I had the same idea in mind already but you said it better. This very tough right now I'm literally crying at my job alone. It's scary to think she's gone.
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Old 20th December 2014, 11:01 PM   #24
MC85
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Re: Just Separated and I'm very lost right now

An Update:

Friday Dec. 20, my Wife and I went to couples counseling. I asked her a few questions and pretty much the same outcome, that she has already had this in mind since I broke out the news. The betrayal and lies is what caused her to make this decision. Now by the end of the couple's counseling session, she told me she spoke to her lawyer, and that she wanted an annulment now. She even asked me if we could sign the papers Monday 22nd to start the process of annulment. Now that she wants this I am caught by surprise, to me it's officially over. Her decision on annulment or reason is for fraud. I do not agree with this decision, because for one I did not cheat on her when we broken up twice. I was free and never thought this was important to disclose with my wife. I'm in the process of getting a lawyer to figure out how to approach this. It's even harder now that I have to accept, she is gone and never coming back.
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Old 20th December 2014, 11:57 PM   #25
chosen
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Re: Just Separated and I'm very lost right now

Wow I am not sure she will get an annulment, but as you say get legal advise.
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Old 21st December 2014, 07:38 PM   #26
ronnoco
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Re: Just Separated and I'm very lost right now

She may be able to void the marriage as you were suffering from a std.

Like Chosen said, get legal advice, preferably from a local solicitor who you can speak to face to face.

It will take a long time for it to sink in properly. Personally, I think you need a year to 18 months before you are in a more healthy place.

Good luck.
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Old 24th December 2014, 06:47 PM   #27
MC85
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Re: Just Separated and I'm very lost right now

Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen View Post
Wow I am not sure she will get an annulment, but as you say get legal advise.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ronnoco View Post
She may be able to void the marriage as you were suffering from a std.

Like Chosen said, get legal advice, preferably from a local solicitor who you can speak to face to face.

It will take a long time for it to sink in properly. Personally, I think you need a year to 18 months before you are in a more healthy place.

Good luck.
I went to the Courthouse to speak to an attorney for free consultation on legal advise. Attorney said I have no obligation to sign anything and if I am not ready for this then I shouldn't sign. I texted my wife that I can't sign it and that I don't agree with her reasons on the annulment. Later she responds through text, that she's decided to not go through with the annulment. She is being very indecisive, I'm not even sure where she stands now. I know this will be me overthinking this but as ridiculous it sounds, she has changed her relationship status on Facebook to "Ask to see info". It's like she does not want anyone to see she's married to me or something. It did hurt me for a moment seeing that she changed it.
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Old 24th December 2014, 08:28 PM   #28
chosen
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Re: Just Separated and I'm very lost right now

Quote:
Originally Posted by MC85 View Post
I went to the Courthouse to speak to an attorney for free consultation on legal advise. Attorney said I have no obligation to sign anything and if I am not ready for this then I shouldn't sign. I texted my wife that I can't sign it and that I don't agree with her reasons on the annulment. Later she responds through text, that she's decided to not go through with the annulment. She is being very indecisive, I'm not even sure where she stands now. I know this will be me overthinking this but as ridiculous it sounds, she has changed her relationship status on Facebook to "Ask to see info". It's like she does not want anyone to see she's married to me or something. It did hurt me for a moment seeing that she changed it.
I am glad you gott that advise, you don't need to sign anything. If you are in the UK and you refuse to sign, then I think she would have to wait 5 years before she can divorce you.
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