Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

[ralfgarnett]

So confused, some say do what I did, some say be polite and say thanks, its all too much I value peoples opinions but some many differen view points, I am by nature polite, I am not by nature harsh, so what do I do for the best ?, I cant be polite and harsh at the same time, NC was very easy for me, I had no problem with it an dcould easily do it again, I broke down in tears last night in the restaurant, both my mates said I should speak to her or drop her a line to say thanks, these are mates that collectively I have been friedns with for 60 plus years or more, they know me and my wife and are both very sensible and wise as are you dear chosen, my head hurts, I feel like im being dragged in all directions what I need to find is my direction that I want to go in, and that is uncertain because I see benefits I all your views, I want to go home to Malta and just be involved in the church and village life, I want to think clearly, I want to see some future I want to b e ahppy with me

[chosen]

Just carry on with the NC is probably best at this time. I cant agree with your mates that you should see her. How is that going to help except to take you back to square one?

[ralfgarnett]

Originally Posted by chosen

Just carry on with the NC is probably best at this time. I cant agree with your mates that you should see her. How is that going to help except to take you back to square one?

Hi Chosen they didnt say i should see her what they were saying is that i shouldnt close the door entirely in her with a view to being open to dialogue about the possibility of reconciliation should that opportunity ever arise.

[ronnoco]

Exactly, have hope that perhaps one day you will re conciliate but have a funeral in your head to help start the grieving process.

You're probably best to just give yourself a break from it all for the next 2 weeks. Just focus on getting through the holidays, keping your health and start that plan of action as discussed.

[chosen]

Originally Posted by ralfgarnett

Hi Chosen they didnt say i should see her what they were saying is that i shouldnt close the door entirely in her with a view to being open to dialogue about the possibility of reconciliation should that opportunity ever arise.

Well yes I agree with that, and she knows where to find you if that ever happens, but until that happens(and she has said that it wont) you have to assume that the marriage is over and not begin contact again for your own good.

[ralfgarnett]

Struggling really badly missing her very badly keep looking and holding various things from our past 20 years together please help me I don't feel as though I can carry on much longer.

[chosen]

Originally Posted by ralfgarnett

Struggling really badly missing her very badly keep looking and holding various things from our past 20 years together please help me I don't feel as though I can carry on much longer.

ralf dont do anything that makes you feel worse. Put those things away in the loft or something.

[ralfgarnett]

I don't want to be here any more, every night I sleep and wake up in our bed alone I don't want to live like this the pain the torment the depression is too much after all we shared, please god take me away

[ralfgarnett]

If this past few months has taught me anything it is the empty pain of loneliness, it's all consuming, a dark damp blanket of cold endless pain shrouding everything, every move, every thought, causing a stifling vacuum that makes you feel as if you are drowning in your own mind and thoughts, loneliness is icey cold, sinister black, empty, all consuming, indiscriminate of age, of anyone, young or old, big or small, male or female, it engulfs the last rays of daylight and darkens the anticipated relief of the following dawn taking that privilege from you, loneliness is destructive, disruptive, silently violent, and affects ones daily routine as a disability disrupts ones ability to move, it is invasive, painful, all consuming, suffocating, smothering, once that door is closed loneliness is your unwanted companion until such time as you can try to escape it's boney grabbing clutches, but there is no real escape, this invisible grinning sinister enemy has you where and when it wants you and violates your mind body and soul with it's evil form, it stalks you as a hunter stalks his prey waiting to pounce to smother, slash, and stifle, it knows it has you where it wants you and calls time and time again to violate you with abandon and there is no defence against its suffocating advances, day after day regardless, it lurks waiting for the time to come to invade again those many spaces that it makes it's unwelcome home, so as we yet again approach the season of greed and gluttony, please try and stop for a second and think of those people not so fortunate, those people for whom their only companion is loneliness, old people, young people, scared people, the weak, the needy, all have one thing in common as all they will consume is loneliness, their only gift is loneliness, and when the glittery trinkets and baubles have long since been forgotten and put away for another year, their old friend loneliness will still be around 24/7, 365 days a year to make their lives a living hell come rain or shine without discrimination from winter to winter and beyond.

You have an empty feeling that comes from within
You long to share your feelings but no one will listen,

You reach out for open arms, but no one is there
Your tears start to fall but nobody cares,

You pick up the phone, again, no one is there
You feel overwhelmed again nobody cares,
You hide in your bed to escape from your pain
So you don't see those who aren't there for you again,
The cold flames spark inside you and heat up your fear
Your thoughts are so dark, your days are so drear,
Emotional fires burn up in your head
Fires of love, and pain, of loss, and regret,
Consumed in your blackness, bit by bit you slowly start to fade away
Your once bright blue sunny skies have turned to clouds of darkness and grey.

[chosen]

THinking of you ralf.

[ralfgarnett]

Originally Posted by chosen

THinking of you ralf.

In Maltese " grazzi hafna tanti hawn" in English " thank you very much same here" I wish I was in Malta permanently, who knows this time next year I might of broke free and made the move there is nothing here for me any more, I love the church and the village so peaceful, so rural, so friendly, so traditional, so me,

[chosen]

IT may just be what you need ralf, a fresh start.

[ralfgarnett]

Originally Posted by chosen

IT may just be what you need ralf, a fresh start.

I just wish I had the guts to do it, I am hoping to go back in June for the feast and that will be the first time without her, but I will be occupied with doing things around the village and in the church, but we will see I spoke to a couple of friends on xmas day over there and they asked me if I was coming back, I haven't told them about my situation yet I would rather do it face to face other than telephone or email.

[ralfgarnett]

She came round lunchtime with more things for the kittys, I didn't invite her in and I could barely look at her when I think back 12 months all was seemingly fine and then she betrayed my like a coward, I have no time for her at the moment as dear Chosen says he knows where we I am if she has anything worth saying.

[chosen]

I honestly dont understand why she has to come round at all.