My marriage breakdown

[Kat84]

Hi,

I'm so new to this but I don't know who else to speak to. I want some help and advice if possible.

After the birth of our second child 2 years ago, our relationship had never been the same. Then 2 days ago my husband confessed to sleeping with a woman from work twice.
The ton of bricks that crashed into my heart will never be forgotten. But I shoted and cried then stormed out of the house and went for a drive. I thought about everything. But the conclusion I came to was I love him and it would kill me more to lose him. I'm willing to fight for our marriage. 8 years and 2 kids is worth it.
We spent all night talking, we came to the conclusion we wanted to make it work. By the morning he back tracked. He can't understand how I can get over it, how I can want him and how I can want kisses and cuddles. To be fair I don't understand it, it goes against everything I thought I would do. But I need him, I need the attention, I want him to want me. He's saying I'm being to full on, too much, to take a step back and let him think.
It's killing me, it's eating up my heart and soul. What can I do, how do I get through this? How can I keep him with me?

[ronnoco]

Hello Kat,

Sorry to hear of this terrible news. I know how tough that is.

If you research 5 stages of grief, I think you will find it very useful. I think you are in deep shock and denial about what has happened. It's like you're trying to brush it under the carpet because you are so desperate not to loose your husband and family.

The problem is, this will probably cause your husband to loose respect for you.

You should be flaming raving whereas you have gone into autopilot damage control mode it would seem.

Please read this article, it's very good : -

http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/16

The trust has been destroyed and it's needs to be earned back. A friend of mine once gave me a very good analogy. He said a couple are like and elastic band - strong and efficient. When somebody cheats, that band is snapped in half. You can tie it back together in a knot and it will be an elastic band again but it's not going to be as strong as it was. It's not 'how it should be'

I'm not saying you can't get over your husbands cheating but you can't just brush it under the carpet I don't think. It needs to be addressed properly

I think you need some good marriage counselling for sure and you need to take baby steps. For a start, you need to be 100% certain that this isn't going to happen again. With how you have acted he must be thinking "wow, I got let of the hook easy here"

How do you know he wont do it again in a year, 3 or 5?

I hope this gives you a start.

[Kat84]

Thank you for you reply.

It's so hard, my head is in bits. I know I should throw him out, be angry and shout at him. But the only think I can think is that I don't want to lose him. I think I am trying to pretend that this hasn't happened, I don't want it to of happened.
I just don't know how I would ever get over losing him.
I sound pathetic I know I do, I'm just so desperate to keep my family together.
What do I do, how do I get through this?

[chosen]

Has he repented and is he prepared to do all he can to rebuild the shattered trust? Will he look for another job to get away from her? Will he be 100% open with his phone and computers from now on?

I cant imagine how devastated you must be. You may both need to get some good marriage counselling to guide you through this. MY own marriage ended 15 years ago suddenly but for a different reason, and I did survive and you will survive no matter what.

[Raymond]

He has comitted adultery Kat and you want to hug and kiis him because you need him? You say that is not the right response and I agree with you. There is a chance your actions can enable this behavior perhaps. How can it be mended without his sincere repentance? It is like you have forgiven before he is sorry.

I think you need to go with your first instinct in the hope that it brings forth his repentance or at least giving him the space to be sorry. It must make no sense to him that you are so loving after his adultery. He needs to get some message from you that it is terribly wrong.

I think there is hope there but your reponse must confuse him. We have had situations on here where the husband has affairs where the wife does nothing. Just puts up with it in fact. I think you should be wary in enabling that lifestyle as it isn't very pretty. Marriage only works with total faithfulness. Papering over the misdemeanour just gives the wrong signal. That could lead you to being a doormat and you don't want that.