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Old 19th November 2014, 01:02 PM   #31
mjker
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Re: What's happening?! What to do?

I've done it. Just asked her to read letter.
Feel sick. Shaking like a leaf!
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Old 19th November 2014, 02:50 PM   #32
chosen
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Re: What's happening?! What to do?

It had to be done didnt it. Communication is vital .
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Old 19th November 2014, 03:07 PM   #33
ronnoco
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Re: What's happening?! What to do?

Good luck Mike - you did the right thing...it was definitely needed.
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Old 19th November 2014, 04:17 PM   #34
mjker
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Re: What's happening?! What to do?

Positive response.
She said she's not happy, but does want to work on it and wants to be a proper family again.

That is all I'd hoped for at this point, so I'm very relieved. Obviously a long way to go.

Thank you all for comments so far, they've been a big help.
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Old 19th November 2014, 04:32 PM   #35
ronnoco
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Re: What's happening?! What to do?

Yes, that's a great start!....you knew things weren't right but hopefully with communication and a plan of action you can give it a real good try.

I wish my wife had said that to me and gave us a chance to work it out.

All the very best.
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Old 19th November 2014, 06:44 PM   #36
chosen
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Re: What's happening?! What to do?

Thats positive isnt it. I wonder if a marriage counsellor would help?
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Old 20th November 2014, 10:02 AM   #37
Raymond
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Re: What's happening?! What to do?

If you both want to work at it then nothing can stop you mjker. Well done for writing the letter. A big hurdle has been ovrcome just through that revelation.

Of course now you have to work on what has been causing the problem. This might take some marriage counseling possibly, depends if you can see your way forward from here. A lot will be revealed by talking together on the matter and listening to each other. If you need additional help get it.
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Old 24th December 2014, 12:25 AM   #38
mjker
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Re: What's happening?! What to do?

Well, not a lot has changed.

Been to 1 initial counseling session, more booked.

Biggest issue right now is that I'm getting really upset when she goes out, which comes across as me being grumpy about it.
Latest argument was that I'm making her feel guilty to go out.
Didn't go well. Don't quite know how to repair it, or stop myself appearing upset when she goes out - it just feels like a rejection every time she leaves.

We've not done anything as a couple yet. Not even a film on the sofa. She says she's trying, but I had to say I hadn't noticed as we've not done anything together.

Very difficult to talk about things with her. The same things I've done wrong keep cropping up.
Telling her i fell upset when she goes out backfires into me being in the wrong for making her fell guilty.

Dreading her just turning around at any point and giving up.
She even said earlier, through tears and frustration at what I'd said, "why don't we just give up then"

Lowest period of my life right now, petrified that it could get far worse.
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Old 24th December 2014, 05:53 AM   #39
chosen
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Re: What's happening?! What to do?

Why dont you arrange some date nights together and both put them in your diary? have to admit that if my husband was always going out and leaving me at home I would be fed up. How about you start going out sometimes as well to make it more balanced?
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Old 24th December 2014, 12:46 PM   #40
mjker
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Re: What's happening?! What to do?

I'm away 2 nights a week, so that's my "nights out". I'll try booking something in, at some point. Counselling starts in very early Jan, so hopefully that will help too.

She came home yesterday, after the argument before she went out, and slept on the sofa. There's a bit of anger towards me.

She's gone to talk to the doctor about anti-depressants, which she was taking about 10 years ago but stopped taking soon after we met, as the whole situation is making her very low.
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Old 24th December 2014, 03:06 PM   #41
chosen
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Re: What's happening?! What to do?

They will take at least 10 days to work.
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Old 9th January 2015, 11:09 PM   #42
mjker
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Re: What's happening?! What to do?

Not much new to report.
No improvement.

I think the summary at this stage is we're still not communicating well.
She's reaching out on social media for support, and also to voice her negative feelings about me, & the way I am. She's holding a lot against me I believe.

I think it all stems from when I was under a lot of stress, and became distant. She then distanced herself, and has never come back.

I don't think she wants to split up, but at the same time, it feels to me like we're not doing anything to improve matters. I don't get a sense of her wanting to talk to me about it. I think she thinks the same about me.

I of course am in a different place - she's distant, and can't/doesn't want to suddenly flip back to loving me again. However I'm feeling completely shutout/shunned/unloved and a bit desparate for love - this translates to her feeling smothered.
She goes out a lot - I get upset by this, which further annoys her.
She's on Social Media a lot at home - I get upset by this, which further annoys her.

We survived Christmas.

First proper counselling session, she told counseller that following an incident where I buggered off to work, leaving her with kids when she was very ill, on valentines day, she almost packed my bags. Said she decided not to have sex with me again until I'd made up for it (we still haven't).

There's a guy on Social Media she chats to a lot. Tells him all the negative views about me. He's extremely nice to her, and negative about me.
Before she could close the chat window, I spotted a message on the screen saying "see you next Wednesday". They're meeting up for lunch. He lives a fair distance away, and they have met several times over 10 years ago through mutual friends.
I think he's just giving her a big mental boost at the moment, but I'm concerned about it.

Have more counselling booked, weekly. 1 single session each first - mine is next. Hoping to get advice from counsellor on all this, how to deal with it, but always welcome advice from here too.

I feel like I'm getting a lot of blame. Definitely my period of mega stress was the start of it all. There was a free holiday, which due to the stress, I refused to go on, as it was due to be my first day of new job. It was just too much for me.
There was the valentines illness mess.
There was my distance for months due to stress.

That was definitely my fault.

I can't help but think though, since the realisation I had in July, it's been a joint failure.
Even further, surely she knew I was under massive stress? WHy did she just close down on me in response? I can understand I suppose, natural response.


Urrgh
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Old 10th January 2015, 05:38 AM   #43
chosen
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Re: What's happening?! What to do?

IT looks as if you have both made mistakes, but she seems unable to forgive and let go what werent actually that bad(a husband cant stay home from work every time their wife is ill) , and hers are getting dangerous. Meeting other men when you are married is a definate no no. She is already having an emotional affair. We should never ever criticise our husbands to other people, that is just going to tear down what is still there. Unless she is prepared to stop all the on line stuff, cut off contact with this man and make an effort, its hard to see how this will work.
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Old 11th January 2015, 07:18 PM   #44
Raymond
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Re: What's happening?! What to do?

I agree. It takes two to make the effort. She needs to forgive the past and work on the now. This relying on social media for company can be the death knell for real intimacy. It can be a kind of deception robbing one of real relationship.
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