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Old 2nd August 2014, 11:42 AM   #31
chosen
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Join Date: Aug 2009
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Re: I need help and advice from men and women re my wifes 2 year affair, please

Hopefully time will heal and enable you to let it go. Many people just cant get over such a betrayal and cant have sex with their spouse again, and thats why their marriage ends. When one spouse cheats, the marriage is effectively destroyed and must be rebuild from scratch, and more than that, its starts with mistrust and fear right away, so its very hard and takes a long time. I admire you for trying, not sure I could.
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Old 5th August 2014, 01:33 PM   #32
man in need
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Re: I need help and advice from men and women re my wifes 2 year affair, please

thank you for the reply. There are two things here, without going into the whole thing again .
1) I was not whiter than white...that is why she went to another man. So being absolutely realistic without a blindfold on, that was my fault and I cant blame here, eventhough two wrongs don't make a right., and also if she knew something was going on with me, why didn't she say something, instead of staying quiet and having an affair of her own. However, maybe it was for spite subconsiciously. so I can with difficulty accept it, because of my dalliance, although mine was not an affair as such, but still, so we get past that question.

2) The hardest thing to accept, is when she filed for divorce, or came very close, I persuaded her not to, and I really didn't want to loose her, (remember I didn't know at the time what was happening), and paid my dues by sleeping on the couch and just doing everything I could to win her back, then to find out that all that time she was sleeping with another, THAT is the hardest part that year.

If I had been totally clean, then I could not do this, and would end it, but I wasn't , she didn't go through with divorce, eventhough she could easily have carried on (he was pushing her to, I found out), so wanted to try and save it. I do love her, and it will be a long road. But what can you do when you still love the person and when your actions sort of pushed her into an affair, can you be so dogmatic that it was all her fault. I cannot bare the thought of another man touching any part of her, but maybe she didn't like the thought of me touching another woman. so there we are.

You have all been tremendous help, I would love a womans perspective on this, but again thank you all, and will keep you posted.
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Old 5th August 2014, 08:44 PM   #33
ronnoco
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Re: I need help and advice from men and women re my wifes 2 year affair, please

Hello MIN,

I think yo have answered your own questions very well indeed here. I don't think I could have provided better answers myself.

All I will say is you have no idea what impact her discovery of you had on her. You will actually never know the answer to this question. Your initial actions were a terrible betrayal. If my wife had been doing what you did with other men, I would have divorced her, end of story.

Maybe her affair was in some strange place a way to regain her equilibrium, massage her ego by feeling wanted, get equal, get the upper hand, help her forgot - I don't know and nor do you and you never will.

Your only option is to forgive each other and learn to move on. Be grateful that you still have her in your life and rebuild.
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Old 10th November 2014, 08:48 PM   #34
cappy
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Re: I need help and advice from men and women re my wifes 2 year affair, please

Don't compare 'crime with crime.' A surgeon uses the same knife to remove different sized tumours. A surgeon also has a team to help him do his work.

Where is your team? I don't know how you continue your relationship without counselling, no matter how good things are right now. You both have issues individually to resolve it would seem. Without addressing them your marriage won't benefit from the deep healing you both need.

I went to counselling for a few months during our engagement. I'd been to other counsellors in the past, so could compare. The one during my engagement was great and challenged me rightly but gently. I grew. My husband and I have done sessions elsewhere too. If I hadn't took time to work on me, it would have been difficult to work on us. And we are improving. But my point is, at some point you need to accept that peace in your marriage starts with your dealing with your side of the relationship. Your boundaries, (or lack of), your attitudes, your emotional management, your motivations, your fears, your past, your childhood issues, etc.

Remember that forgiveness is something you need to receive. It's hard to give it, if you haven't gone to that truly vulnerable place and received it. Once you've done that it's truly life changing. Remember too that you don't forgive when you're ready to (who's ready to?), but because forgiveness is an act of will. That's why you have to keep forgiving certain things that keep coming up. Because they keep coming up.

All best wishes for you both.
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