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15th August 2014, 11:45 PM
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#1
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2
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not been married long but considering leaving
I have been married nearly 2 years and we have a 2 and half year old. Recently I have found myself unhappy. Not with anything particular, just not happy. It is odd though as we do have a very good relationship. We have always supported each other's decisions and encouraged each other, we have always been able to chat about everything and nothing and he is everything that I should want in a husband. But I am not happy. Sex is pretty much non existent which is both of our fault really but I don't know how to try anymore. I find us sitting in silence in front of the tv every night and I have started to fantasize about other men!
So to separate and see how that goes? I might he happier, but I may have made the biggest mistake of my life. Any mutual friends will be lost, as well as professional contacts; it will all be very complicated. We live in a small town and everyone we know will gossip and make up their own reasons as to why we seperated. I would be a single mum! But I wouldn't be a horrible person and he and his family could see her as much as they like. I may not be able to afford the childcare and working anymore. Worst of all, or baby girl would miss her daddy
My head is a mess...any advice on how to make the right decision?
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16th August 2014, 08:54 AM
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#2
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
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Re: not been married long but considering leaving
yes, and to be blunt, get the thought of divorce right out of your head, stop yourself from fantasizing about other men and commit yourself 100% to you husband and child.
Did you mean the promises that you made so recently or not? If not, then why did you get married? If you did then why are you so soon wanting to break those promises? Those are life long promises, not ones that we can break just because we are a bit fed up.
You have no reason to be thinking of divorce except that you are a bit bored. You cant expect your husband to always make you happy, that is your responsibility. If you dont like things as they are then make an effort to change them. Work on your relationship with your husband. Talk to each other. Have date nights together. Go on a marriage course, or even get counseling to help you learn how to communicate with each other.
Otherwise what is the alternative? You break your husband and daughters heart, jump into another relationship, and when that one gets a bit stale or boring, you leave again and so on. Life is often what we ourselves make of it, and leaving as soon as its not all 'flowers and music' is a very immature thing to do. You have responsibilities now. You are a mother and wife, and you need to think of them and make this work, It will if you make that effort.
Comparing your husband to other men is very damaging for your marriage. How would you like it if he was doing the same?Every time you are tempted to do that, think of all your husbands good qualities and be grateful that you have a good man and lovely child. I know many single women who would LOVE to have what you have.
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16th August 2014, 09:58 AM
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#3
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Moderator
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
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Re: not been married long but considering leaving
Very blunt reply but absolutely true. You have potential gold beneath your feet but cannot see it. Marriages do need work sometimes and that is what you both need to do. Commitment is vital in a marriage. Falling at the first hurdle is not commitment. You are playing with fire fantasising about other men which will consume you, your marriage and your child.
Sex needs to be worked on as well. It is not always automatic. Use your imagination and bring things to life.
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16th August 2014, 12:49 PM
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#4
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
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Re: not been married long but considering leaving
Yes, sorry it was blunt, but I couldnt believe what I was reading to be honest.
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16th August 2014, 03:43 PM
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#5
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,076
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Re: not been married long but considering leaving
Geniesgirl, my wife and recently separated, we have been together 20 years married for over 17, Raymond & Chosen are both right and I think you need to buck your ideas up, wake up, and realise that you are on to a good thing, stop being a spoilt princess, you are acting and thinking like a spoilt brat, the grass is never greener remember that, I think my wife is starting to realise that too but we have over 17 years of marriage behind us not just 730 or so days, get a grip and be grateful for what you have got, sorry to be so blunt but your post is an insult to those people amongst us with genuine sadness in our lives.
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16th August 2014, 07:30 PM
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#6
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2
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Re: not been married long but considering leaving
I appreciate the advice, I don't appreciate the implied tone from somewhere I was expecting understanding and not judgemental.
Fyi - not a spoilt princess, been in and out of abusive relationships, suffer long term anxiety and depression and one of my concerns is that I am married to a passive aggressive man that takes pleasure in making me feel guilty about trivial things. Not something healthy for me or my daughter, and after a conversation him and I had today, seems I am angry at him for more than I even realised.
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16th August 2014, 08:19 PM
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#7
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
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Re: not been married long but considering leaving
Quote:
Originally Posted by geniesgirl
I appreciate the advice, I don't appreciate the implied tone from somewhere I was expecting understanding and not judgemental.
Fyi - not a spoilt princess, been in and out of abusive relationships, suffer long term anxiety and depression and one of my concerns is that I am married to a passive aggressive man that takes pleasure in making me feel guilty about trivial things. Not something healthy for me or my daughter, and after a conversation him and I had today, seems I am angry at him for more than I even realised.
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Thats not what you said earlier, you said,
"It is odd though as we do have a very good relationship. We have always supported each other's decisions and encouraged each other, we have always been able to chat about everything and nothing and he is everything that I should want in a husband"
I suspect that you are maybe seeing things in him that aren't there because of the problems that you have. Its sounds like you have a good man there, and a little child, dont blow it. If you have depression and anxiety, then you really need to get some counselling because that wont change no matter who you are with, because that is inside you.
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16th August 2014, 08:44 PM
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#8
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,076
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Re: not been married long but considering leaving
If so then why did you start a family ?
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16th August 2014, 08:50 PM
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#9
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,076
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Re: not been married long but considering leaving
ps don't expect anything what you need is honesty and fact based advice, if you want sympathy call the Samaritans. just talk to your husband and be honest with him that is the best way forward coominicatng is the key
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6th November 2014, 07:45 PM
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#10
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Guest
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Re: not been married long but considering leaving
Hi there, I'm on the other side of the fence I've not been married a year, together for just under seven and a few days ago my wife announced it was over and there was no turning back
We had become like friends and the spark had gone
I won't bore you with to much detail but what I would say is I wish that prior to this she had just said that things need to pick up a bit
I might be hard but just say you are unhappy and would like to bring the relationship back to life
You might be bored with your situation but you loved the bloke once and if you leave will things really be better or will you just be full of regret and wonder what could have been
I am really not judging, just I would have loved a chance to save my marriage and it kills me that it didn't even know anything was wrong
What have you got to lose at least if you try and it doesn't work, well you know you did all you can
Good luck, and I hope your husband gets the chance I never did
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7th November 2014, 10:00 AM
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#11
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,076
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Re: not been married long but considering leaving
Quote:
Originally Posted by Devitt
Hi there, I'm on the other side of the fence I've not been married a year, together for just under seven and a few days ago my wife announced it was over and there was no turning back
We had become like friends and the spark had gone
I won't bore you with to much detail but what I would say is I wish that prior to this she had just said that things need to pick up a bit
I might be hard but just say you are unhappy and would like to bring the relationship back to life
You might be bored with your situation but you loved the bloke once and if you leave will things really be better or will you just be full of regret and wonder what could have been
I am really not judging, just I would have loved a chance to save my marriage and it kills me that it didn't even know anything was wrong
What have you got to lose at least if you try and it doesn't work, well you know you did all you can Good luck, and I hope your husband gets the chance I never did"
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Wise words Devit I agree with you, now back to looking after yourself
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