Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Chapel
University
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre

Contents
Articles
Books
CDs / Videos
Tips
Services

Resources
Forums
Membership
Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us

Search

Take the Couple Check-up!

Marriage Week UK

Marriage first aid

Online support for your marriage

Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet


Home > Forums
2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums  

Go Back   2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums > Advice > Marriage Help

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 27th April 2011, 11:29 AM   #1
kdk
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
My wife of 23 years has left - I'm in pieces

I am absolutely devasted.Two weeks ago last Monday I received a text from my wife of 23 years saying that she wouldn't be coming away with me that night and she wanted some time away. She said she thought she still loved me but had been given a place to stay for while. My life felt like it ended that day and it still feels like that now - I am in pieces, absolutely wretched.

She came 'round to talk a week later. I say 'she' but the cold, heartless, uncaring person I saw before me was not my wife, she seemed like an alien. I told her how much I loved her and begged her to reconsider but she said she can now do what she wants when she wants how she wants so is happy. However, her parting shot was that she would go away and think about it.

The are some complications to this tale. The first is that 3 months ago she was diagnosed with moderate to severe depression. Her father is in a care home because of alcoholism and her sister is a severe alcoholic. She's also never got over the death of her mother a few years ago. Thus I thought her depression was because of these things not me - how wrong it seems I was.

I saw her again yesterday and explained that I'd learned a lot and realised I'd made mistakes. I told her I loved her and would do anything to save our marriage. I remained calm, didn't lose my temper and spoke quietly. She was crying most of the time and mellowed after a while and said she needed to think. I didn't get a yes or a no to her coming back so I'm still waiting.

I don't gamble, I don't drink excessively, I don't womanise and have honestly never said no to anything she wanted to do. Things haven't been great lately but I'd put this down to her depression. I was happy to devote my life to this woman and now all I have left is my loneliness and utter despair. Is there any hope she'll be back?
  Reply With Quote
Old 27th April 2011, 11:54 AM   #2
Sillyman
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: My wife of 23 years has left - I'm in pieces

Hi kdk,

Although my story is somewhat different, I know how you feel. It's horrible.

When you say you made mistakes, what do you think they were?

SM
  Reply With Quote
Old 27th April 2011, 07:08 PM   #3
kdk
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: My wife of 23 years has left - I'm in pieces

Mistakes? Well, I questioned her about who she was texting all the time and she said that was too controlling. Reminding her to wear certain protective gear on her scooter - she said that was treating her like a child. Those sorts of things really. I certainly didn't have an affair, get drunk or stay out late. If anything I was the affectionate one not her. I didn't smother her but I was always there for her and did anything I could to help. Mind you that got me into trouble for doing things for her without being asked!
  Reply With Quote
Old 27th April 2011, 07:56 PM   #4
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: My wife of 23 years has left - I'm in pieces

Have you considered the possibility of someone else being on the scene? there are signs there from my reading of your posts.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th April 2011, 08:12 PM   #5
kdk
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: My wife of 23 years has left - I'm in pieces

Yes I have. I have asked her direct - Is there anyone else? - and she said no. She's told our sons she's staying with a friend and she did not mention anyone else being involved when I saw her yesterday and had a long chat. Why at this late stage would she not tell me?
  Reply With Quote
Old 27th April 2011, 08:35 PM   #6
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: My wife of 23 years has left - I'm in pieces

People often dont tell, and even when they have been found out they still deny it. Who was it she was texting that she woudnt tell you about? If she had nothing to hide then she would have told you surely.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th April 2011, 08:39 PM   #7
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: My wife of 23 years has left - I'm in pieces

I hope there is nobody else but from my experience on here I have learned never to write it off. I think something is going on, whatever it is, to cause her to behave like this. The reasons she gives seem trifles to me.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th April 2011, 08:50 PM   #8
Hopelessly Devoted
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: My wife of 23 years has left - I'm in pieces

If you really want to know if she's telling the truth about someone else, you should look up the cell phone bill and investigate her calls and what numbers she has been calling. If she's calling the same number alot - you may want to call it yourself and see who answers. If she's not telling you the truth about that, then there is probably alot more to her story.
  Reply With Quote
Old 27th April 2011, 08:52 PM   #9
kdk
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: My wife of 23 years has left - I'm in pieces

Well, for some reason I believe her. Maybe I'm a fool but surely she wouldn't keep me hanging on if there was someone else. She'd have said something by now surely?

She has given me a lot of mixed signals and she has had a lot going on in her life. Could she just be burnt out emotionally and I'm I getting the brunt of it?
  Reply With Quote
Old 27th April 2011, 09:11 PM   #10
Hopelessly Devoted
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: My wife of 23 years has left - I'm in pieces

What if there is someone else but she's afraid if you know about him and later on she decides that she doesn't want him then she will have lost both ways. Maybe that's why she doesnt want to tell you. I still think its worth knowing one way or the other.
  Reply With Quote
Old 27th April 2011, 09:19 PM   #11
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: My wife of 23 years has left - I'm in pieces

sadly the spouse is often the last to know, and doesnt want to believe it of course.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th April 2011, 10:21 PM   #12
kdk
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: My wife of 23 years has left - I'm in pieces

OK I get it. She may be seeing someone else. Tell me though, after 23 years of marriage to someone I'd trust with my life, why would she suddenly turn into a liar and a cheat? This woman was my life and she knows that.
  Reply With Quote
Old 27th April 2011, 10:31 PM   #13
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: My wife of 23 years has left - I'm in pieces

Its hard to say but it happens all the time. My husbands ex did just that after 23 years. Many people I know in my own family have done the same.
She may not be of course, but it is a possibility, and would explain her behaviour. These things usually start because people have no boundaries with the opposite sex and get too close to another person.I have seen it in women who have gone back to work after bringing up children and they meet a man at work. Or men meet a woman at work, that is a BIG danger area where strict boundaries are needed.

Just bear it in mind and see what happens.Before she left, was she texting more than usual? You did mention that she was texting all the time.Was that normal? Was she on the phone more that usual,or on the computer more than usual? Does she work?Does she have opportunity at work to go out for lunch or meet someone after work? Did she go out with her friends at all in the evenings, or did she always come straight back form work?

People can sometimes get depressed because of guilt over having met someone else. This has happened here on this forum.
If she is depressed then it may well have been caused by the events that you have mentioned, and not you, but there seems to be something that has made her leave.Would she consider marriage counselling do you think?

Last edited by chosen; 28th April 2011 at 02:49 AM.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28th April 2011, 08:26 AM   #14
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: My wife of 23 years has left - I'm in pieces

One has to look into these angles kdk. Forgive us for being cynical. We have seen too much on here. A lot of people say that their spouses become cold, heartless and uncaring and seem like someone else. Classic symptoms I would say.

Obviously you have to work it through to what the truth is. I hope you do come through this hurdle and that she works through whatever it is that she is working through. I am sure all of us would love to be wrong on this.

It could be because of what she went through with her mother and the alcoholic-ism in the rest of her family, but surely this is a time to stick together not seperate?
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28th April 2011, 09:38 AM   #15
kdk
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: My wife of 23 years has left - I'm in pieces

Thank you everyone for taking the time and trouble to post. It's nice to know there are strangers out there willing to help others.

As I said before I guess I'm in a waiting game. The only other thing I can think of is that I've found an old phone of hers and I could go through that to see what's on it. Should I?
  Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 05:19 PM.


Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


Top

Copyright ©1999-2024 2-in-2-1 Limited. All rights reserved. Disclaimer