Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Chapel
University
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre

Contents
Articles
Books
CDs / Videos
Tips
Services

Resources
Forums
Membership
Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us

Search

Take the Couple Check-up!

Marriage Week UK

Marriage first aid

Online support for your marriage

Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet


Home > Forums
2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums  

Go Back   2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums > Advice > Marriage Help

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 30th June 2009, 01:22 PM   #31
j92cool
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 183
Re: Wife left after affair - Will she feel remorse/guilt????

Brokenchild. It is weird. I was not heartbroken when my H left me quite dramatically as I think deep down I knew it was over. I seemed to be the only one in the marraige that was trying to make things work. It became more apparent only after he left that he had really removed himself from our marriage over 2 years before he left as he had been planing his departure for that long. Putting money aside etc etc. What did devestate me was the way he treated me. Like I was something on the bottom of he shoe. He treated me with no respect at all after 27 years and 2 children later. What a coward, a gutless coward. It has been three months but I still shake my head in disbelief. I cannot believe what he did. His happiness will not last. When he marries again it will be marraige no 3.

I am repairing slowly and one day I will be OK. I am already happier than I have been in years and my stress levels have lowered since STBX has gone. Things are looking up and everyday I feel better and stronger.
j92cool is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th March 2010, 01:44 PM   #32
LeftBehind
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Wife left after affair - Will she feel remorse/guilt????

Quote:
Originally Posted by BrokenChild1967 View Post
Bob, (all)

But, to the person above who said "anger and resentment = waste of time", you have no clue what you are talking about. If you don't go through these phases the negative emotions will come out later in an undesired fashion. The emotions of loss must be processed. People who short cut or suppress these feelings often end up having the pent up emotions come out against others they should care about.

For all of us who have experienced SAS (Spouse Abandonment Syndrome) recognize that "abandonment" is actually classified as one of the most emotionally abusive actions a person can inflict against another. Studies have shown that the amount of emotional trauma that comes from it can actually exceed the emotional trauma of verbal abuse, and is comprable to the emotional trauma of extended physical abuse.

Remember, that your partner made a choice to treat you this way. Just like a spouse who chooses to verbally lash out, strike, or otherwise abuse their spouse, they made a choice to find some misgotten inner peace at your expense.

There is a really good saying: "It takes two to make a marriage work, but it only takes one to break it." Walking out of marriage is saying you don't want to even try to make it work. And, the person who makes that decision is the one who is responsible for the end of the marriage. All reasons aside. Problem is that the person who walks out (aka. the "leaver") usually does not want to have the stigma of being the one who left/cheated/etc. So, they have to find and put blame on the other party. (the "left")

In mine I watched as she started off by trying to accuse me of verbal abuse, and as that fell through, she started to accuse me of other things. In the end she was trying to state that I had cheated on her, and that was why she was leaving. She could not accept that the reason she was leaving was because her needs were being met more by another man than by me. And, she refused to comunicate that to me.

You have choices. And, choices have consequences for more than yourself. You can choose to comunicate your unhappiness in a marriage in a way that your spouse understands. Or, you can complain that they don't get you, claim that you are trying, and eventually file for a divorce. One is the moral high road, the other is the path of least resistance. Working on marriage is not easy. And, some people just don't get it. So, when the going gets tough, they make a choice to walk.

Remember, you (and you alone) are responsible for your own happiness. If you are not happy in marriage, it is rarely your spouses fault. It is rarely the marriages fault. I is most likely your fault. I would guess that in 999 of 1000 marriages, the unhappiness is the fault of the individual. If you are unhappy, it is your responsibility to fix the marriage.

Studies have shown... Children of divorce account for over 80% of future divorces. Marriages where neither parents ever divorced have less than 20% divorce rates. Divorce seeds future divorce. (even if the children are bore in the subsequent marriage.) 2/3rds of all divorces are filed by woman (most whose reason is they claim to be "unhappy" in thier marriage). Over 90% of people who choose not to divorce are happier less than 5 years later. Judge enforced counciling reduced the divorce rate by 1/2. And, the person who files for divorce (the "leaver") has a 70-80% chance of a 2nd divorce, while the left has a 20-30% chance of suffering from a second divorce.

If you were left, find solace in the fact that you are being forced to examine yourself. The odds are not in favor of the person who left you. The reason, they don't "get it". They don't realize that the way to have a happy succeesful marriage is as simple as making the marriage they are in that marriage. People who divorce are often the people who see greener grass in far off pastures. Let them go, and find someone who can commit to a long term relationship.

anyway... too long...
Oh wow, this is like the most sensible, honest and uplifting posting I've seen since I caught "my wife" doing the dirty deed with my youngest son's football coach - and how that has and will affect him in future years I cannot yet say :-( Like most, I am new here and probably like most was attracted here because of my sorrow, sadness, search for answers but this thread and this posting seems to sum just about everything up and the paragraph;
Quote:
Originally Posted by BrokenChild1967 View Post
But, to the person above who said "anger and resentment = waste of time", you have no clue what you are talking about. If you don't go through these phases the negative emotions will come out later in an undesired fashion. The emotions of loss must be processed. People who short cut or suppress these feelings often end up having the pent up emotions come out against others they should care about.
is the most informed and correct. You should HAVE to go through that pain because bottling it up will almost certainly give you problems later in life and relationships, will not allow you to learn from the process, and may well affect you in some other way at some other time in life. I went through counselling after bottling emotional distress up for years and trying to end my life (because of it) and although it took 2 years I moved on BECAUSE of that counselling.

Like most/everyone one on here, I have a very similar story - that's why we're here afterall! A good 23 year marriage, 2 beautiful, highly intelligent and polite sons and a gorgeous wife who was "my princess" and I treat her that way. Okay, like most I had my moments, as did she, but it is as Shane says in the previous post, it is about CONTROL. Through my deep love for her SHE CONTROLLED me. She dictated when we had arguments, about what and how long it was before we made up. She dictated where we went on holiday etc. She dictated what the atmosphere was like in the house. She chose just about everything because I convinced myself it was my job to look after her, it was me doing things that made her happy/unhappy and that if she didn't get "it" that was me being a failure at loving her. She CONTROLLED every emotion I had and I still have moments now where I am absolutely unsure about what emotions I should be feeling because I was so used to being subconciously told how my emotions were to be. Of course whenever I dared to discuss the situation it was always ME trying to CONTROL HER - just more CONTROL through guilt.

The simple point is she got bored. We had reached midpoint in our lives, she had done the kids thing. She convinced herself she wasn't happy (and as I have no contact with her now I have no idea if she is ecstatic or depressed) and chased the excitement of her "soul mate". She had friends who were or had left their husbands and re-introduced her into the singles life whilst I worked harder at home to fill in the gaps she left. Her affair started then stopped as the mongral involved rejected her and chose to stay with his wife and children to try to make their marriage work. Quite how meeting my wife down dark country lanes was helping his marriage I have yet to understand! Anyway, we talked, she promised it was all a flash in the pan, we sorted our problems out and moved on. Little did I know how deceitful they were being and that they were simply planning more time to sort out finances etc. and them both to leave so that the stigma of "adultery" could not be thrown at them - unfortunately neither of them are the brightest of individuals and I caught them doing exactly what they said they'd not do and being doubly betrayed was (and still is) so damaging.

Yes I admit I lost the plot. Yes I took my anger and frustration out on him - he is afterall everything I detest in a person in life (man or woman - it always takes 2 remember). He is devious, smarmy, snidy, a liar. His being so close a relationship with my youngest son was as low as you could get. So Yes I spent a night in the police cells, was charged, and regretted being away from my boys (not that I thumped him!). Of course even he tried to say it was my fault and it was me that drove them to be together - just how low will these type of people go?

Anyway, the upside was that she left quicker than she wanted/planned to and with very little. She stupidly fought me for everything and we spent most of what we had on legal fee's - every win was a loss because it just involved another letter, another phone call, another court hearing.

The worst thing were the lie's she told about me to make "her side of the story" look like I was some wife-beating criminal. Her family abused and threatened me because their daughter was driven to her affair by a madman. Err, no. I did not take her by the arm and lead her into his bed. I did not lie to me and our children time and time again (and they do say if you are going to lie at least be good at it!!). I did not suggest that the problem in the marriage was me - spending 23 years with 1 man and having 2 children would suggest that wasn't the case. Midlife boredom (she was unhappy inside and thought/thinks this new man will make her happy inside....which he obviouly will for a while), where did life go/is it going and another person showing her "love", telling her how nice her hair looked and what a lovely face she had were the things that made our marriage fail. And lets not forget that I told her all those things aswell - she just chose not to believe me or listen. And I do not buy into the theory that she wouldn't have looked if she was happy in her marriage - bull, life is about commitment, love, and working hard, not running out and blaming someone else and your marriage because YOU are unhappy.

As I said to her the very last time we spoke (not that she listened I suspect), she CHOSE to do all those things. She CHOSE to want a new life. She CHOSE to lie for nearly 2 years and only eventually came clean because she was caught out. She AND he CHOSE to betray the relationship they had with her youngest son. She is now reaping the consequences of those actions she CHOSE. She lives with this person - I will not ever call him a man - and their 2 children. She has no contact with her boys whatsoever. The last contact she had with them led to her saying that her new life with this person and his children were non-negotiable and if they wanted her in their lives they had to accept him (which they both declined) as they would miss her more in the long run (I do hope that 1 day she see's the error of her ways with regard to that as no child should ever have that put on them).

Our financial standing has taken a huge dive but I am working hard on putting that right. Where it did and still is hard is re-building MY life. She had a ready-made life for her at the end of our relationship. She had been doing the "single-life" bit for a while so had a good support network waiting for her. The lies she told made her family and friends drop me like a stone. I, like most married men, lost touch with many, many friends due to spending time at work, in my marriage and with our children and therefore have lots of thinking time and little social time.

I still look back, but I am very much starting to [slowly] realise how desperate she must have become in her own head/life to want to do what she did. The abuse I received from her (and others) after the relationship quickly started to fall apart on top of the total shock and emotional turmoil of suddenly being a single parent were the iceing on the cake. I truely believe I (or anyone) did not deserve that, especially after 23 years together and 2 fantastic boys.

Will she ever feel sorrow or sadness? I have no idea. Does it bug me? Yes it still does tbh because I feel sadness and sorrow and I didn't do what she did! Based on what has gone on and how she has convinved herself that what she did was right and that it was "my fault" and that she has told everyone she knows many, many lies, then I suspect not. She would then have to explain to herself and all those other people how it was SHE who CHOSE to do what she did and the longer that goes on the less likely it is that she will ever have the guts to "come clean".

Me? I am still on my own (relationship wise) trying to do the best for my sons. They know the truth. They make me proud. I do worry that I need, no I WANT, a relationship again but I haven't quite worked out how to do that. I have to be able to start trusting again or stop comparing the (female) people in my life with what I used to have because to me that was special. I am still very angry and bitter sometimes - when I see them passing by in the car or I look into the eyes of my boys at school occasions or on birthdays and at Christmas etc. Christmas is always hardest because when we first separated it was December and we were going to spend Christmas together "for the kids" until court papers were served on me on the morning of the 24th - that kinda killed xmas for us. To tell your children you will be there at Xmas knowing full-well that you won't be and that Dad is going to get "a special Xmas card" is as low as you can get.

Will her new life work out for her? That is difficult to have an opinion on. I want it to fail and I want it to work. I want her to be happy as I always did and I want her to feel the pain I and our children have but I also don't really want her back in our lives but I do. You cannot love someone for 23 years and then suddenly say that you don't (unless you are kidding yourself). As BrokenChild1967 states, the odds are not in their favour though. He has a track record of mistrust and so does she. What happens when the newness wears off? What about the arguments that will develop - will she be angry at him for her having no contact with her children?

Will she ever regret what she did? Almost certainly I would think. Will she ever admit it though? Probably never. I know this - the rest of her life will have to be something really special to live it without seeing her children again and to not have THAT quiet moment in your own head where you reflect and say, "should I have done that and has it worked out quite how I imagined it would"....you cannot stop those thoughts, everyone has them.
  Reply With Quote
Old 19th March 2010, 10:18 AM   #33
mangonpineapple
Registered User
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 84
Re: Wife left after affair - Will she feel remorse/guilt????

Hi Bob, I have a story very similar to yours but in this case my H walked out, blamed me for everything and made into the worst person, the root of all eveil and unhappiness in his life. He never showed remorse or apoligised for anything. 8 months later, he has sent an apology email and text, but it is all manipulation to make the D easier. He truly did and does not care about anyone but himself. He has a new woman/women in his life (thisis what caused the breakup and the blamed was laid at my door). I truly empathise with you. There are no answers yet. There may never be. You are asking yourself the same questions that I ask myself everyday. It is uncanny how similar your W is to my H. I feel exactly like you, disillusioned and just disappointed with life. If you ever want to talk, im on abwwkt at g mail dot com. Hugs to you. My thread is "sad and devastated" and my newer one is on top right now. Take care. Mango
Hugs and take care. You will prevail.
mangonpineapple is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th July 2011, 10:35 AM   #34
Ouch
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Wife left after affair - Will she feel remorse/guilt????

Hi All, though this thread seems to have been redundant for some time i am resurrecting it, I found some of what others had said on here very helpful.
My story, briefly, is that after 17 years of marriage, my wife seemed very distant; I couldn't quite put my finger on it but asked why. I got a brief answer that, she was in a bad place, she wasn't happy & was fed up & it'd been a year since her father’s death.
This was worrying & I started digging around to find some answers as a lot of her spare time recently till this point had been taken up with girlfriends & self indulgent things like hair & nail salon, spray tanning etc. Not all that out of place but the frequency of these things had got daft.
I then found out that on the anniversary of the her father’s death, she'd gone to see an old flame (from 20 yrs ago) reconnected thru facebook!!
I offered up all the good stuff counselling try harder etc etc, She said she wouldn't be cutting contact with this guy, i said I'd struggle to trust her & she said she couldn't have that either, it was finished!! I was in total shock. She remained in the property for about a week then moved to her Mum's as she'd just left for Oz (why she didn't go before this i don’t know)
It's become appear ant she is spinning a web of lies, she went to see the guy again(I'm able to access info things sometimes i shouldn’t!!) under the guise she was going for some on the job training while her Mother (before she went away) looked after our youngest son age 7. I was working my normal shift roster.
after she moved she has since had a visit too. (again she thinks i don't know, same with holidays & weekends away etc)
I'm trying to keep things nice and calm until the consent order is done, then she'll know i know the truth. Sadly, I hope it all goes pear shape. Out of malice/pain/hurt, maybe I don’t know.
What I do know & this really bugs me is that she offered nothing up emotionally (I think for her it was over some time ago) & i was & am totally devastated. Yet she's going around all loved up & blissfully happy, hence how I got here "no remorse/guilt"
It's very frustrating..
I'd welcome any comments or thoughts
  Reply With Quote
Old 15th July 2011, 01:12 PM   #35
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Wife left after affair - Will she feel remorse/guilt????

It seems pretty bleak to me Ouch. Deception and cheating. She is heading for adultery which is usually curtains for a marriage unless there is deep repentance. Unfortunately I do not see any of that from her from what you have written.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th July 2011, 06:44 PM   #36
Chamomile
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 816
Re: Wife left after affair - Will she feel remorse/guilt????

Hi

It seems a lot of this type of thing is going on these days as a result of Fb-related affairs.
Chamomile is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th July 2011, 11:40 PM   #37
JWD
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,178
Re: Wife left after affair - Will she feel remorse/guilt????

Ouch, i wrote such a long reply to this and lost it.. grrrrrrrrrrr. Anyway, the lies are just awful, I've been there like most of us have. It's gut wrenching to see them act all happy too when your heart is being ripped out. The wanted it to blow up in her face is normal.. It also helps us feel better because it shows that it wasn;'t anything wrong with us. My ex did it too and I happened to see him a few months ago for the first time and he was fatter than ever (i also got the blame for his weight) and he looked repulsive and wasn;t even with the girl he left me for. I had this ridiculous notion that he was going to run off and have this wonderful life that he claimed I was holding him back from.. he didn;t get far did he once shot of me. pffft.

This site is good for advice, may not save your marriage but definitely helps you cope with the stuff going on www.divorcebusting.com
__________________
“One day you’re going to wake up and realize how much you care about her and how amazing she really is… and when that day comes she’ll be waking up next to the man who already knew”
JWD is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th July 2011, 12:42 AM   #38
1aokgal
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Wife left after affair - Will she feel remorse/guilt????

Dear Bob Pickens..

It doesn't matter what your X-wife thinks or feels. Put her as ancient history. Neither should you spend time to analyze or live in regret for the past. Whether you have a lot of time or fewer days the important things are now. Waste no days to live with regret.

Take a cue from the movie "The Bucket List" and think about the moments you have to pack in memorable experiences. Perhaps you left some old friends and want to hoist a drink with one or relive old chum times with a dear friend? Family connections should be important for what you can give them in memory, as well as what they can give you in help during difficult times.

Some live with serious illnesses and never have a time clock, but they know that quality needs to be packed into days. We all live with mortality and some live on borrowed time as well. Maybe you have a clearer idea there.
Man is the one creature born into life, who always knows we are here for a limited stay. Make your "todays" the best. Don't be a victim of another (the X-wife) who disappointed you. Life is full of those times. One can't love without sometimes taking a hit on the one selected! The great thing is that you had good during the time you were happy. Some never have those times. Some never find love at all. Some live with limitations or handicaps always.

Choose to win, by giving each day quality and have the best run. Answer the questions you have in faith, and never feel alone. Thinking of you and wish you happiness.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 18th July 2011 at 01:56 AM.
  Reply With Quote
Old 22nd September 2011, 09:47 PM   #39
Njadh01
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Wife left after affair - Will she feel remorse/guilt????

All adulterers are liars and cheats...so an affair is a relationship built on that. Once they get past the lust, emotional ego-stroking, and selfish personal gratification...what's left? Trust? Devotion? People usually get what they deserve. God doesn't soften the consequences.
  Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 05:35 PM.


Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


Top

Copyright ©1999-2024 2-in-2-1 Limited. All rights reserved. Disclaimer