Quote:
Originally Posted by BrokenChild1967
Bob, (all)
But, to the person above who said "anger and resentment = waste of time", you have no clue what you are talking about. If you don't go through these phases the negative emotions will come out later in an undesired fashion. The emotions of loss must be processed. People who short cut or suppress these feelings often end up having the pent up emotions come out against others they should care about.
For all of us who have experienced SAS (Spouse Abandonment Syndrome) recognize that "abandonment" is actually classified as one of the most emotionally abusive actions a person can inflict against another. Studies have shown that the amount of emotional trauma that comes from it can actually exceed the emotional trauma of verbal abuse, and is comprable to the emotional trauma of extended physical abuse.
Remember, that your partner made a choice to treat you this way. Just like a spouse who chooses to verbally lash out, strike, or otherwise abuse their spouse, they made a choice to find some misgotten inner peace at your expense.
There is a really good saying: "It takes two to make a marriage work, but it only takes one to break it." Walking out of marriage is saying you don't want to even try to make it work. And, the person who makes that decision is the one who is responsible for the end of the marriage. All reasons aside. Problem is that the person who walks out (aka. the "leaver") usually does not want to have the stigma of being the one who left/cheated/etc. So, they have to find and put blame on the other party. (the "left")
In mine I watched as she started off by trying to accuse me of verbal abuse, and as that fell through, she started to accuse me of other things. In the end she was trying to state that I had cheated on her, and that was why she was leaving. She could not accept that the reason she was leaving was because her needs were being met more by another man than by me. And, she refused to comunicate that to me.
You have choices. And, choices have consequences for more than yourself. You can choose to comunicate your unhappiness in a marriage in a way that your spouse understands. Or, you can complain that they don't get you, claim that you are trying, and eventually file for a divorce. One is the moral high road, the other is the path of least resistance. Working on marriage is not easy. And, some people just don't get it. So, when the going gets tough, they make a choice to walk.
Remember, you (and you alone) are responsible for your own happiness. If you are not happy in marriage, it is rarely your spouses fault. It is rarely the marriages fault. I is most likely your fault. I would guess that in 999 of 1000 marriages, the unhappiness is the fault of the individual. If you are unhappy, it is your responsibility to fix the marriage.
Studies have shown... Children of divorce account for over 80% of future divorces. Marriages where neither parents ever divorced have less than 20% divorce rates. Divorce seeds future divorce. (even if the children are bore in the subsequent marriage.) 2/3rds of all divorces are filed by woman (most whose reason is they claim to be "unhappy" in thier marriage). Over 90% of people who choose not to divorce are happier less than 5 years later. Judge enforced counciling reduced the divorce rate by 1/2. And, the person who files for divorce (the "leaver") has a 70-80% chance of a 2nd divorce, while the left has a 20-30% chance of suffering from a second divorce.
If you were left, find solace in the fact that you are being forced to examine yourself. The odds are not in favor of the person who left you. The reason, they don't "get it". They don't realize that the way to have a happy succeesful marriage is as simple as making the marriage they are in that marriage. People who divorce are often the people who see greener grass in far off pastures. Let them go, and find someone who can commit to a long term relationship.
anyway... too long...
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Oh wow, this is like the most sensible, honest and uplifting posting I've seen since I caught "my wife" doing the dirty deed with my youngest son's football coach - and how that has and will affect him in future years I cannot yet say :-( Like most, I am new here and probably like most was attracted here because of my sorrow, sadness, search for answers but this thread and this posting seems to sum just about everything up and the paragraph;
Quote:
Originally Posted by BrokenChild1967
But, to the person above who said "anger and resentment = waste of time", you have no clue what you are talking about. If you don't go through these phases the negative emotions will come out later in an undesired fashion. The emotions of loss must be processed. People who short cut or suppress these feelings often end up having the pent up emotions come out against others they should care about.
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is the most informed and correct. You should HAVE to go through that pain because bottling it up will almost certainly give you problems later in life and relationships, will not allow you to learn from the process, and may well affect you in some other way at some other time in life. I went through counselling after bottling emotional distress up for years and trying to end my life (because of it) and although it took 2 years I moved on BECAUSE of that counselling.
Like most/everyone one on here, I have a very similar story - that's why we're here afterall! A good 23 year marriage, 2 beautiful, highly intelligent and polite sons and a gorgeous wife who was "my princess" and I treat her that way. Okay, like most I had my moments, as did she, but it is as Shane says in the previous post, it is about
CONTROL. Through my deep love for her
SHE CONTROLLED me. She dictated when we had arguments, about what and how long it was before we made up. She dictated where we went on holiday etc. She dictated what the atmosphere was like in the house. She chose just about everything because I convinced myself it was my job to look after her, it was me doing things that made her happy/unhappy and that if she didn't get "it" that was me being a failure at loving her. She
CONTROLLED every emotion I had and I still have moments now where I am absolutely unsure about what emotions I should be feeling because I was so used to being subconciously told how my emotions were to be. Of course whenever I dared to discuss the situation it was always
ME trying to
CONTROL HER - just more
CONTROL through guilt.
The simple point is she got bored. We had reached midpoint in our lives, she had done the kids thing. She convinced herself she wasn't happy (and as I have no contact with her now I have no idea if she is ecstatic or depressed) and chased the excitement of her "soul mate". She had friends who were or had left their husbands and re-introduced her into the singles life whilst I worked harder at home to fill in the gaps she left. Her affair started then stopped as the mongral involved rejected her and chose to stay with his wife and children to try to make their marriage work. Quite how meeting my wife down dark country lanes was helping his marriage I have yet to understand! Anyway, we talked, she promised it was all a flash in the pan, we sorted our problems out and moved on. Little did I know how deceitful they were being and that they were simply planning more time to sort out finances etc. and them both to leave so that the stigma of "adultery" could not be thrown at them - unfortunately neither of them are the brightest of individuals and I caught them doing exactly what they said they'd not do and being doubly betrayed was (and still is) so damaging.
Yes I admit I lost the plot. Yes I took my anger and frustration out on him - he is afterall everything I detest in a person in life (man or woman - it always takes 2 remember). He is devious, smarmy, snidy, a liar. His being so close a relationship with my youngest son was as low as you could get. So Yes I spent a night in the police cells, was charged, and regretted being away from my boys (not that I thumped him!). Of course even he tried to say it was my fault and it was me that drove them to be together - just how low will these type of people go?
Anyway, the upside was that she left quicker than she wanted/planned to and with very little. She stupidly fought me for everything and we spent most of what we had on legal fee's - every win was a loss because it just involved another letter, another phone call, another court hearing.
The worst thing were the lie's she told about me to make "her side of the story" look like I was some wife-beating criminal. Her family abused and threatened me because their daughter was driven to her affair by a madman. Err, no. I did not take her by the arm and lead her into his bed. I did not lie to me and our children time and time again (and they do say if you are going to lie at least be good at it!!). I did not suggest that the problem in the marriage was me - spending 23 years with 1 man and having 2 children would suggest that wasn't the case. Midlife boredom (she was unhappy inside and thought/thinks this new man will make her happy inside....which he obviouly will for a while), where did life go/is it going and another person showing her "love", telling her how nice her hair looked and what a lovely face she had were the things that made our marriage fail. And lets not forget that I told her all those things aswell - she just chose not to believe me or listen. And I do not buy into the theory that she wouldn't have looked if she was happy in her marriage - bull, life is about commitment, love, and working hard, not running out and blaming someone else and your marriage because YOU are unhappy.
As I said to her the very last time we spoke (not that she listened I suspect), she CHOSE to do all those things. She CHOSE to want a new life. She CHOSE to lie for nearly 2 years and only eventually came clean because she was caught out. She AND he CHOSE to betray the relationship they had with her youngest son. She is now reaping the consequences of those actions she CHOSE. She lives with this person - I will not ever call him a man - and their 2 children. She has no contact with her boys whatsoever. The last contact she had with them led to her saying that her new life with this person and his children were non-negotiable and if they wanted her in their lives they had to accept him (which they both declined) as they would miss her more in the long run (I do hope that 1 day she see's the error of her ways with regard to that as no child should ever have that put on them).
Our financial standing has taken a huge dive but I am working hard on putting that right. Where it did and still is hard is re-building
MY life. She had a ready-made life for her at the end of our relationship. She had been doing the "single-life" bit for a while so had a good support network waiting for her. The lies she told made her family and friends drop me like a stone. I, like most married men, lost touch with many, many friends due to spending time at work, in my marriage and with our children and therefore have lots of thinking time and little social time.
I still look back, but I am very much starting to [slowly] realise how desperate she must have become in her own head/life to want to do what she did. The abuse I received from her (and others) after the relationship quickly started to fall apart on top of the total shock and emotional turmoil of suddenly being a single parent were the iceing on the cake. I truely believe I (or anyone) did not deserve that, especially after 23 years together and 2 fantastic boys.
Will she ever feel sorrow or sadness? I have no idea. Does it bug me? Yes it still does tbh because I feel sadness and sorrow and I didn't do what she did! Based on what has gone on and how she has convinved herself that what she did was right and that it was "my fault" and that she has told everyone she knows many, many lies, then I suspect not. She would then have to explain to herself and all those other people how it was SHE who CHOSE to do what she did and the longer that goes on the less likely it is that she will ever have the guts to "come clean".
Me? I am still on my own (relationship wise) trying to do the best for my sons. They know the truth. They make me proud. I do worry that I need, no I WANT, a relationship again but I haven't quite worked out how to do that. I have to be able to start trusting again or stop comparing the (female) people in my life with what I used to have because to me that was special. I am still very angry and bitter sometimes - when I see them passing by in the car or I look into the eyes of my boys at school occasions or on birthdays and at Christmas etc. Christmas is always hardest because when we first separated it was December and we were going to spend Christmas together "for the kids" until court papers were served on me on the morning of the 24th - that kinda killed xmas for us. To tell your children you will be there at Xmas knowing full-well that you won't be and that Dad is going to get "a special Xmas card" is as low as you can get.
Will her new life work out for her? That is difficult to have an opinion on. I want it to fail and I want it to work. I want her to be happy as I always did and I want her to feel the pain I and our children have but I also don't really want her back in our lives but I do. You cannot love someone for 23 years and then suddenly say that you don't (unless you are kidding yourself). As
BrokenChild1967 states, the odds are not in their favour though. He has a track record of mistrust and so does she. What happens when the newness wears off? What about the arguments that will develop - will she be angry at him for her having no contact with her children?
Will she ever regret what she did? Almost certainly I would think. Will she ever admit it though? Probably never. I know this - the rest of her life will have to be something really special to live it without seeing her children again and to not have THAT quiet moment in your own head where you reflect and say, "should I have done that and has it worked out quite how I imagined it would"....you cannot stop those thoughts, everyone has them.