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Old 13th June 2010, 09:44 AM   #1
trying-to-cope
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Hello everyone I'm in the club :-(

Good morning everyone, I've been a long time lurker but felt it was time I shared my crap life with people who understood.

I got the 'speech' April 09, I know he has had at least two shortlived affairs but has never moved out. He offers no affection, no empathy and spends his days wallowing in a pit of self pity. He is 40 in July and is NOT happy about it!
We've got two children 16 and 14, my son (16) is sitting his GCSEs at the moment so he is under enough stress as it is!
My husband also works from home so is here all the time.
The tension in the house is at times unbearable but I do my hardest to keep it neutral when the children are around.
Apparently he is moving out in October and its now got to the stage when I welcome the fact he will no longer be here.............but as you all know its the children that I am heartbroken for. They idolise him and will be totally devastated by his leaving.

This morning I feel like screaming and screaming at the top of my voice until theres nothing left!

Why has he got this self destruct button? And why is he actually thinking of pushing it?????????????????????

Fran
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Old 13th June 2010, 12:25 PM   #2
So alone
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Re: Hello everyone I'm in the club :-(

Hi Fran,

That's the million dollar question I wish I knew the answer to.

Although my story is a little different, the 40th Birthday thing I think was the trigger.

Leading up to his birthday all the same signs that you have described were there. He was really irritable the morning of his birthday - said he felt like a failure and hadn't achieved anything worthy etc. A week later I got the 'announcement'.

I'm not sure I can offer anything useful but would like you to know that being on here might help, albeit just a little. x
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Old 13th June 2010, 12:27 PM   #3
JWD
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Re: Hello everyone I'm in the club :-(

Hi Fran,

All I can say is keep posting as it helps to put in all down. Will your husband consider counselling?

Do you want the marriage to continue?
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Old 13th June 2010, 04:57 PM   #4
trying-to-cope
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Re: Hello everyone I'm in the club :-(

Quote:
Originally Posted by JWD View Post
Hi Fran,

All I can say is keep posting as it helps to put in all down. Will your husband consider counselling?

Do you want the marriage to continue?


He is going to counselling, and has been once a week for eight months at £40 a week, this is money we can't afford and I would like to say its worth it, but he is still here and he is still miserable!

Six months ago I would have given ANYTHING to have my husband back, but now, no, he has done so much damage to me that I think it would do me more harm than good to have him back.

He would have been out of my life a long time ago if it hadn't have been for the children, I'm have been trying to protect them by keeping our family together but I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of animosity.

I have my life planned for the next few years, back to colege in September to get my teaching degree, so at least in a few years I won't be financially dependant on him. But in the meantime its just so bloody hard...........
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Old 13th June 2010, 09:19 PM   #5
JWD
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Re: Hello everyone I'm in the club :-(

Yes, it sounds like a very stressful atmosphere.

It sound like it has been miserable for you coping with all of this by yourself. I'm not sure how you feel about counselling for yourself but I can thoroughly recommend calling the samaritans if you are in UK. They are very good at simply listening for those times when you really feel you need an ear.

I think that's amazing that you are thinking ahead and planning for your degree. All sounds very positive. I know you feel bad for the kids but you need to think of yourself too.

Have you read yogamads first thread? her story is similar.

Sending very positive vibes to you.
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Old 14th June 2010, 08:10 AM   #6
Raymond
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Re: Hello everyone I'm in the club :-(

If he can be unfaithful like that then what marriage is there. He might be doing you a big favour moving out. I know there are the financial considerations and the children but affairs kill a marriage except where there is deep repentance over it and the will to put it right.

Raymond
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Old 14th June 2010, 09:33 AM   #7
Wiggle
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Re: Hello everyone I'm in the club :-(

I'm in no way qualified to make a diagnosis, but have you or he considered the possibility he is depressed?

His symptoms sound very similar to my ex's (permanent grumpines and constant criticising?) My ex like your H went to counselling every week for a year, and whilst it's helped him understand why he is the way he is (family background etc) it was just 'listening' counselling and hasn't given him any tools like CBT with which to address the problems.

My ex finally went to the doctors about 6 weeks ago and got some anti-depressants. But I understand completely about the damage - he's made me feel rubbish for years but the world still revolves around him and his misery.

If you and he feel the current counsellor isn't 'value for money' he can go to a new one. I wish my ex had.

I recently read a book I wish I'd had a year ago - 'Is he depressed or what?' which is specifically written for partners of depressed men, if you think he might be suffering (No, I don't get any comission from sales!)

JWD is absolutely right about looking after yourself. Living in such constant stress can really bring you down.
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Old 14th June 2010, 03:14 PM   #8
trying-to-cope
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Re: Hello everyone I'm in the club :-(

Thank you so much for all for your kind replies.

Having read back over my posts I sound like a right moaning Minnie
I'm usually much more poitive about things but I guess yesterday was a bad day..........

I do firmly believe that my husband is depressed, he runs his own business which has been quite difficult over the last few years with the recession.
Turning forty is a sore point for him, my Father died at forty from a heart attack and I think that plays on his mind.
Also having a teenage son who seems to have a different girlfriend every week is making him jealous, in a kind of 'this is what I should be doing' way.

I have broached the subject of hime visiting the GP but he is having none of it. According to him, he is not depressed, he just doesn't want to be married anymore.

I love it when he is not home, its almost like the house heaves a sigh of relief when he closes the door.....................

I know I'll be fine without him, but its the children, its always the children that stop me packing his bags and throwing him out onto the street
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Old 14th June 2010, 04:39 PM   #9
Wiggle
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Re: Hello everyone I'm in the club :-(

Not a moaning Minnie at all, just tired and hacked-off!

One of the tips in that book was (and I wish I'd come across this earlier) not to sugest depression to him if one thinks he might react negatively, but something like 'I know you've been working very hard, do you think you might be stressed? Maybe the docs could help'. Apparently quite a lot of depressed men (my ex included) find it easier to deal with idea of being stressed as it's more 'manly'. Don't shoot the messenger!

It might do him some good to be out of the house. It might dawn on him that you are not the reason for his bad mood, and that the grass isn't greener on the other side? But it sounds like you've (understandably) much made up your mine anyway?
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Old 16th June 2010, 05:49 PM   #10
trying-to-cope
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Re: Hello everyone I'm in the club :-(

Better day today, the sun is shining and I've eaten all my meals outside! The sun and fresh air do wonders for my mood.............


I really have made my mind up about not wanting him back, he has been unfaithful at least twice and I'm worth so much more than that.

I just get so sad at what he has thrown away, a loving wife and two great children. I worry so much about what his realtionship will be like with the children in the future, but he doesn't seem that bothered so maybe I shouldn't be either!

He is off to Glastonbury next week so at least we'll have a bit of breathing space then.
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