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Old 11th March 2013, 11:55 AM   #1
marie31
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advice please, new baby and no help

I met my partner 2 years ago after we had both come out of a long marriage. We both own homes with our ex's, mine has sold and his is on the market (he is paying the mortgage).

My partner moved into my one bed flat and I became pregnant. My son was born an is now just 2 months old. To cut a very long story short he doesn't pay a bean, saying all his wages are eaten up by his mortgage/debt payments.

I am really struggling, I now just get maternity pay at 135 a week (my rent is 100). I have tried to explain i cant manage and he needs to contribute but it always ends in a row. He says that all will be sorted when his house sells.

I am expecting to get 50k from the sale of my home and my partner wants me to pay off his debts to free his wages up so he can contribute. I dont know how much he owes, he is quite guarded with the info?

Things were lovely at the start of our relationship, now it's awful. All the romance has gone along with the sex. I get no financial support. I dont know how I can get back to work with the cost of nursery. I feel alone.
I dont want to seperate, I dont want to be a single mum, i want my son to grow up with his dad. I am 40 years old now, I just want a happy life. Any advise please?
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Old 11th March 2013, 04:02 PM   #2
Raymond
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Re: advice please, new baby and no help

Bit of a catch 22 situation it seems Marie. Maybe paying his mortgage does take all his money. Who knows for sure. He is playing his cards very close to his chest it seems. He knows about your finances but you do not know about his. How can you work together when things are not open? Obviously a discussion needs to take place about finances which will also test his commitment to you.

I would not pay his mortgage off until you know what the figures are. Even then it must be your decision not his. Your poverty will be short lived it seems but for the present you really do not know how fair he is being until you know how much he is paying on his mortgage. Have that discussion and clear the doubts.
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Old 11th March 2013, 06:56 PM   #3
chosen
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Re: advice please, new baby and no help

I would say dont even think of paying off the debts of a man who you seem to know little about financially. Once his house has sold he will no longer need to pay the mortgage and bills so will be free to pay rent etc with you. Any debts he has need to be sorted out with his and his wives money from the house and any other assets they have. Its NOT your responsibility.

This is what happens when you move in with someone when neither of you have sorted out finances and such from previous partners. Is there any reaosn why, if you had already come out of marriages 2 years ago, the house are only just now being sold?

Does he pay other bills apart from the mortgage, such as child maintenace?
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Old 11th March 2013, 07:37 PM   #4
Forever
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Re: advice please, new baby and no help

Good grief...he is not even your husband legally, so WHY would you pay off his debts for him just because you suddenly have money? He could then up and leave having spent all your money on HIS debts in the process. If you paid off his debts, what is in place to guarantee that he will then contribute anything...and up to the amount you spent on him? Can you guarantee that he wont then go out and blow it on stuff he wants instead?

Your net funds from the sale of the house can be used to SUPPLEMENT what is lacking...but I would not use a bean more than I had to for that...it should go only to maintaining the baby and buying food or utilities and rent. Do not let him talk you into anything more...no trips, no "toys" for him or for the household ect. Anything you buy and give him can be claimed as a "gift" and you will no longer have rights to it in the event he leaves you.

You can keep a "log" of what all expenses were up until he sells his house. Then present it to him and ask for half the living expenses up front since he WILL have plenty of money then. If he gets angry...ask him why he expected YOU to do it when now he wont when he has it to give, and when you supported him first???

What he is proposing is that you pay all his debt up front (which may have been a factor that had contributed to his marriage failure) and then he will "drip feed" your money back to you month by month...if he does.

As Chosen just said, once he gets out from under his mortgage problem he can then contribute to your household (watch first to see if he actually does consistantly)....then IF you two get married, you can then pool both of your money to buy a home of your own...EQUAL contributions towards that down payment too.

You have a baby to think of first and foremost...do not compromise your future ability to care for the baby having spent all on a man who has not married you, wants you to pay his bills off, and is demanding you take care of him with no guarantee that you will be compesated for any of it once he gets his money back in line.

When you sell yourself short of marriage to a man socked with debt, you are asking for trouble. He has a lot of nerve not proving his hardship so that you can believe him regarding his inability to pay. If money is so short in your household, do the unthinkable and tell him he may need to move out so you can afford to feed yourself and the baby since he is not helping and eating food that money could be used elsewhere.

Last edited by Forever; 11th March 2013 at 08:02 PM.
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Old 15th March 2013, 07:10 AM   #5
WillPrez
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Re: advice please, new baby and no help

You should intimate your husband with emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, sexually, and in many other ways. Intimacy is not an end goal but rather a journey that lasts throughout your marriage. Intimacy is the closeness of your relationship with your husband.
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Old 15th March 2013, 04:28 PM   #6
1aokgal
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Re: advice please, new baby and no help

Marie31...

I say this loud and clear..give this man his walking papers as his free ride is ended. Not only is he riding on your ticket but he wants to take off with your future means so you can pay of his bills from the sale of your house. He contributes NOTHING..not even sex..now he has you saddled with the responsibilities and the baby. Tell me you don't truly think that is a sound idea?

You must have been really desperate to come out of a marriage and move in with this man ,while he puts no effort or contributions to the day to day upkeep of the home! It is time you took a good hard look at Mr. Wonderful. Don't you realize you are being used and deceived that he urges you to pay off his bills and mortgage? I assure you, he will hit the road when all you have is gone. I doubt he will pay even child support once he is out of there. Face up to this..the man is a user and a loser.

Dear, 40 years old is nothing on the scheme of things. There are a some good women, here on this forum, who launched into life at post 40 as divorced women with children, and landed good men. These men would never think to use them for a bank machines.

I say give that man a "PAY or Vacate" notice! Either he can pay his half of the living expenses or OUT he goes. He will then find another woman for a meal ticket. You can do far better than this selfish character. This scenario is what happens to women who think so little of themselves to settle for a "roomie" and not a marriage with an equal partner! Once he has it all..your funds from house sale..bet you will see how fast he moves on without you.

You have drawn the short end of the straw. You and the child will benefit from his moving out. That is one less mouth for you to feed and one less stress to worry about. Take better care of yourself and see the future can be better for you. Waste no more valuable time. I will say you are not getting any younger to move into the world and find love and a good husband for the years ahead. He will land on his feet and find another women to pay his billls. I bet he is not even that great a package..looks wise? You are paying his freight and he does not even perform! What have you got there?

Honestly, dear lady, you can do better. I hope you wise up and see life can be better for you and the child. Maybe your family won't tell you what you hear here. If you were my daughter I would tell you to think with courage and have faith in your abilities. He is a big disappointment and not the one you seek.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 16th March 2013 at 03:15 AM.
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