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Old 14th September 2012, 10:43 PM   #1
KCB
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My wife is leaving me. Please, please help.

I feel like my life is ending. Three weeks ago my wife came home from work and told me she is having an affair. We have been together for eight years and we were married only a year ago. I feel shocked, wrecked and beside myself with hurt and pain.

My wife has explained that she feels she isn’t getting what she needs from our marriage. Not enough attention, excitement or interest from me. I can understand this, and I feel just terrible about it. The problem is that when our relationship started, she was 18 and I was 25. I have tended to be a stay-at-home, preferring ‘cosy nights in’ and being comfortable and somewhat sedate in my lifestyle. She has always expressed a desire to go out socialising, to visit exciting places in the world and do spontaneous things. For years, I thought the differences were because of the age gap. As she got older, I thought, her free spirit preferences would give way to a more homely one, like mine. I don’t feel I did enough to compromise. I genuinely thought she was ‘settling down’. Our wedding was the most wonderful, loving occasion and I was the happiest man in the world on that day. It was only a year ago! I adore my wife so much. I love her with a bursting heart and she lights up the room when she walks in. My whole life is devoted to her. I want nothing more than to have children with her and love her forever.

She has grown stronger and more self-sufficient in the last year. She has been seeing a therapist too, and has been encouraged to do the things that will make her truly happy. Which obviously I was really pleased about, not wanting her to be unhappy. But I never realised how unhappy she was with me. She had an affair with her work colleague, she says she is in love with him – he is twice her age, and married with children. I know I could have been more sociable, spontaneous and adventurous in our marriage and deep down inside I think I would have been a happier person if I had. I am willing and ready to change.

We have been to marriage counselling several times in the last three weeks and I have explained that this massive shock has made me realise just how much I have the ability to meet her needs, and I am sure we would both be happier. But she’s not convinced at all. After eight years, I can understand why she doesn’t have faith in me.

Yesterday – in therapy – she said even if I did change, she’s not sure it would make any difference, and she is starting to realise that she doesn’t really love me in the same way any more. In these last three weeks I’ve had a feeling of hope, with a small sense that it’s not going to work. Now I think I’ve realised that the likelihood is that it’s not going to work, just with a tiny feeling of hope. I daren’t cling onto that hope any more. She’s been mentally preparing to leave me since January – she started the affair in July – and feel that despite my promises she has already given up.

So now I’m in pieces. Until yesterday I felt I had a marriage to save. Today I feel I have a separation to prepare for. I have invested my heart and soul in my marriage, I’ve been ever loving and faithful and it just tears me apart that I haven’t shown my love in the right way. I long for her to give me the opportunity to be better. I’m terrified that I’ve lost her. She is just such a wonderful person and I am so in love with her. I’m heartbroken. I’ve lost half a stone in weight – from stress, I think, because I am managing to eat – which I can ill afford to do because I was only 10 stones to begin with.

She’s moved out and still sees this man every day at work – although she says she’s ended the affair – and I feel I can’t possibly compete.

My wife feels that a new, happier path has been opening up in front of her – one without me. She’s mentally been opening up that path for months. I have gone from thinking that I was the happiest married man in the world, with the best wife I could ever have, to having everything I ever wanted just disappear overnight.

There seem to be so many wonderful, supportive, wise people on this forum. Please, please, help me. I don’t have many friends or family and nobody to give me any advice. I just can’t face this on my own.
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Old 15th September 2012, 12:43 AM   #2
1aokgal
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Re: My wife is leaving me. Please, please help.

Dear KCB,

Welcome to the forum. I am so sorry to hear that your short marriage has run into major conflicts and you are so devastated. She sure chose to explore her sexuality in a cheap way with someone from work, married and much older. That sounds like a shock for you coming from a very mixed up emotional state.

That affair seems more to bring attention to her unhappiness, then a serious relationship. Infidelity is a terrible act in a marriage, but the cheating says more about the state of her mixed up thinking, than a statement she has fallen out of love with you. There is no excuse for her to cheat in this marriage.

I do think that you are both young and you should have compromised to get out and be young, and enjoy some outings with your wife. That does not give her a reason or vindicate an affair.

Staying at home all the time sounds pretty middle aged and stodgy to me. I agree that a young woman would want to dress pretty and get out with you to bring some romance to your marriage. Most young couples make friends and get together to enjoy each others' company. I can't imagine that she couldn't be the young person she is and for you both to enjoy the flirtation of being with her husband and to go out together on weekends. That crawling into the home pit is pretty boring. If you never compromise to do things you both enjoy, it would be something she would resent. There are concerts, movies, dinners out, and evenings to go dancing.

Whether it is too late for you is the question? She was terribly wrong for what she did in cheating. She has to realize that and admit that, then perhaps you can both try to repair this marriage.
There has to be her understanding and repentance to move to get back together. If she isn't sorry for the pain she caused and the harm, than she is beyond where you can reach her emotionally. It seems she wants out of the marriage. The grass is not greener on the other street. She will find that there are not a lot of men who will love and care for her. She has to value who you are and see what she will lose.

I would let her go, as she seems to want to separate, and fly free. There is little you can do about that. It is very likely she will run smack into the wall of nastiness out there. If her judgement is so faulty that she got into a sexual situation with that unavailable, not very attractive man at work, she lacks the morality and judgment to be a good life partner.

Let her find out the world is a rather cruel place for stupid women. Maybe you have to wait and see if she wises up. Then, if she can realizes she made a big mistake, and she tells you she is sorry, ,,she repents that wrong..you might try to rebuld a life together.

You seem a good and decent man. You are too young to crawl into the house every night or watch TV until you are glassy-eyed. Maybe that is one reason the marriage got side tracked. She wants to be the young person she is. You too. Get out and see concerts, museums, go camping, kayaking, bike riding, hand gliding, etc. and all the things we can do together outside our home. She wanted to live an active, exciting life.

You need to go experience life too. Perhaps things will work out for the two of you, but don't take her back without her changing her moral compass.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 15th September 2012 at 06:22 AM.
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Old 15th September 2012, 10:51 AM   #3
Raymond
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Re: My wife is leaving me. Please, please help.

I would agree with most of what 1okgal says KCB. It is cheap of her to go and have an affair with a married man and does betray a lack of respect for her married state and also the wife of the husband she had an affair with.

It is not a time for begging or grovelling. Yes compromise in the marriage is probably the answer but at the moment the door is closed. I think your best bet is to let her go and hope that she comes to repentance. That will be more powerful than begging just now. Many husbands would not accept a woman in her position back without her being sorry. If that happens things can be worked out. If it doesn't you could just be a doormat until the next affair.

I don't think everything is your fault. Because you like a home life it doesn't add up to her committing adultery. Do you move around a lot in the day and need to rest in the evening? Whatever it is you now realise the problem but you will have to wait and see what her next move is. The most important thing at the moment I feel is that you do not grovel. I know this goes against how you feel and is not what she is expecting but you do need a certain aloofness until she gets right about her behaviour. Then and only then can you both work on your marriage.

Last edited by Raymond; 15th September 2012 at 10:53 AM. Reason: Correction
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Old 15th September 2012, 11:31 PM   #4
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Re: My wife is leaving me. Please, please help.

Thank you both for your supportive comments. You are so sympathetic and kind. I am finding it hard to understand why my wife could have married me so happily a year ago and gone off me so quickly. And what's even harder is understanding why she seems so reluctant to give it a chance.

She has apologised for her affair, says there wasn't sexual intercourse (but there was everything else) and it mostly happened on a work trip when she was away from me for ten days. What hurts the most is that it seems not to have been a frenzied, passionate liaison in the heat of the moment, but that they slept several nights together and cuddled in bed, which in a funny way (is this a typical male way of thinking) seems even more intimate. She says she is sorry and has ended the affair. But she accepts she is still in love with him.

Our therapist says we're working on "strategies you can take back into your marriage" but my wife seems hesitant to do so. Last Saturday, in the spirit of that advice, we spent a few hours together in the evening in the name of dipping our toes in the water to see how things were. We both agreed afterwards it was a lovely evening. But in therapy afterwards, my wife brought up some things I had said that evening which she felt were manipulative, trying to win her over in a conniving way. And I was trying to do anything but. I was just being nice to her but she thinks I'm being tactical. I don't want to be tactical or manipulative, since that would just add another knot of falseness and deceit to this already tangled web.

We were going to spend some time together tomorrow, but she's decided not to. She has a big day at work on Monday and she says she needs to prepare for that on Sunday. Unfortunately this involves her spending the whole day with the other man. Even if nothing romantic happens between them, it's still another day with him, and no time with me. So I'm not getting a chance at all.

I am trying so hard not to contact her in a needy, emotional state because that won't help the situation. I am also trying hard not to be cold to her. But I'm hurting so much. She says we'll continue going to therapy and that I should "trust the therapy to help us find the right path for both of us".

Am I right to be worrying about her spending time with this man? Should I trust her? She has always been completely honest before. I feel like I don't know her any more. Should I be trying to forget her? Should I try and force myself to gradually pull away?
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Old 16th September 2012, 12:28 AM   #5
Forever
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Re: My wife is leaving me. Please, please help.

Greetings,
I am sorry this is happening to you, but you will need to follow the advice already given.

If she is claiming to be in love with this guy, chances are she has/is sleeping with him...and not just cuddling. He is a married man...married men are not satisfied with just cuddling...nor would they risk their marriage and family just to have a nice cuddle with another woman.

Meanwhile, she is keeping the door open with you "just in case" by going to counseling...but her willingness to do that is likely so that she does not inflame your anger while she figures out what her next step is going to be. She is still "seeing" that man, and if she were going to repent, she would get out of that work place to prove to you that it is over and get to work on the marriage instead. Cold hard facts.

There is NOTHING worse than groveling...detach yourself and do not speak about the relationship to her unless it is when you are sitting there in front of the therapist or if she brings up a specific topic. Do not try to push and arrange "dates" or time together...let her do that if she really wants to.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...she is half to blame for the break up of another marriage besides your own. Even if you did manage to get her back, you would not easily forget what she is capable of when you are thinking all is well...and you will be living life looking over your shoulder to see if she is entertained sufficiently enough or if she might be straying again. As long as she is working with that fellow, you will be tempted to ask questions, check on her whereabouts, check her calls and emails ect...and that will drive both of you nuts. Right now, you are in shock and not thinking about her character as a life partner.

That is why YOU are the one who should lay low and play it cool now...anything more will be perceived as a manipulation in her book. We do not have affairs just to get our husbands attention...she has checked out of the relationship while you thought all was peachy. If she had wanted the marriage to last, she would have been complaining or would have opted to get counseling for these issues rather than having an affair.

You may as well learn the lessons here nevertheless...that you will need to put more effort into having some "couple time" especially at your age in the future depending on the type of woman you marry...some are quite happy being more domestic and settled.



Kindest Regards

Last edited by Forever; 16th September 2012 at 12:36 AM.
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Old 16th September 2012, 01:32 AM   #6
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Re: My wife is leaving me. Please, please help.

Dear KCB,

I am sorry to say this but your wife acts like a cheating hussy. She is lying, lying that she needs to "prepare for Monday" while she spends all day Sunday with this clown. It is true he would only risk his marriage and children because he is "hot to trot" and she is "giving the goods." Maybe he told his wife he works on Sunday so they can spend the day together? I would mess that up, in your place.

She is lying about this whole scenario. If I were in your place, I would go knock on that door of his place or office or wherever they go to do the "working together on Sunday" and bust up that scene. She is holding on to your marriage with counselling, while she is playing footsie with this man. She says NO sex? I concur to what was said here. A married man does not risk his happy homelife for promises or pretend, so I feel certain there is such a hot affair he can't pull himself away.

There are other jobs. If she had the decency of a boiled egg she would quit that job and go to counselling with you and salvage your marriage. So long as she is playing lying deceptive games, she can't be trusted. If that is the scene, than you waste your life and your love there. No matter how great is the depth of your hurt and pain you must get yourself out of that triangle. I'd throw her and her lies to the curb.

You tell her she has 24 hours to quit that job, move back home, and never see this man again. Her owed paycheck can be mailed! She need never see this man again. No, she will not do that because she told you she is in love with this man. If that is the case, she is a huge fool. Hearing the details ..doesn't that make you want to go throw up?

He may be lying to her, while he strings along his wife and her too. She is a homewrecker in that situation as well as to destroy your marriage with her actions. That makes her an immoral, homewrecking hussy. That sounds like a really cheap affair and not something a decent guy should put up with.

She has not earned your respect! She does not respect herself or her marriage. That means what you had the last years, wasn't real. No woman who loves a man, and married him just one year before, would drag him through hell while she acts like a piece of trash.

The Sunday story is the phoniest I ever heard! Maybe his wife should be informed about this situation by you! I think that wife does not have a clue. I think your wife is being fed a line that he loves her, meanwhile, he is probably lying to HIS wife that he has to work on sunday so he can spend time with your wife. I believe I would be the one who lets that cat out of the bag , in your place. You have nothing to lose by doing that!

I would show up and bust them! Maybe that is not the best advise or terribly Christian, but I would ruin their Sunday. Just give her walking papers. Tell her not to let the door hit her in the butt as she leaves. The world is a very big place, with many women in it. There are many decent Christian women who have not yet found a good man. It is foolish to take any more punishment in a marriage gone really sour. It sounds like you have a zero chance of a good life with this woman. I am so sorry for you that you put your eggs in the wrong basket. Do not waste your time.

She may be stringing you along financially. Make sure you cut money strings...close joint credit cards ASAP. Remove her name from all joint acounts, and life insurance. Let her BF help her out. Grow a set of B... and end it.
Maybe you should take a weekend out of the area and get some fresh air.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 16th September 2012 at 07:10 AM.
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Old 16th September 2012, 02:32 PM   #7
Raymond
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Re: My wife is leaving me. Please, please help.

I agree that the affair (Wasn't it supposed to have ended?) should be exposed to the other man's wife if that was possible KBC. I wouldn't personally recommend that you turn up on Sunday wherever that is. Is it at work? It could be counter productive and exhibit desperation more on a movie scale. Besides they could hide behind their work.

She is sorry about it yet walks back into the den of enflamement on Sunday. Nothing about that so called working Sunday will be innocent. A soul tie has already been made and needs to be broken if she is serious about it. She cannot resist and will need to leave if she is serious about being sorry. A clean break is the only answer. It's like a drunk who is sorry about getting drunk then goes back to the bar the next day. If she is really sorry there will be fruit from it. At the moment there is a reluctance to give it up. That's why she feels that your innocent plans for strengthening the marriage are manipulation.

Basically as Forever says stick to the original advice. No grovelling which could make you a doormat and enable her to carry on. Also have the courage to call the shots. Him or me? No other options. You need to take control of what is happening to you. Set out the options and be willing to risk it if necessary.
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Old 16th September 2012, 02:45 PM   #8
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Re: My wife is leaving me. Please, please help.

I have thought a lot about telling the other man's wife. They have two children together, both in their late teens. But I come from a home background that was destroyed by divorce and I just can't bear to make myself (through intervention) the catalyst that may destroy the life of the poor woman and children. I saw what it did to my own family and I would rather leave that to him.

The funny thing is that my wife comes from an identical home background to mine. Her father convinced himself that her mother didn't give him what he needed from their marriage, so he had an affair and left her. My wife has never really forgiven her father for that. It was one of the ties that bound us, I thought, that we'd never do to each other what our fathers had done to our mothers. And now she has done exactly that, and after only a year of making that vow, too! So I feel I don't know who she is now.

The trouble about giving my wife the ultimatum about working with this man is that she is in her dream job, which she has worked for years to secure, she is a well-known personality in the media and so is the other man. If she quit, her entire professional career (which makes her very fulfilled and happy) would be impossible to save. Given her prominence and the industry she's in, it would be impossible for my wife to just move to a similar post in another company (which would normally be an option for most people). So to ask her to part company with this man would be to ask her to abandon her stellar career. And I do want her to be happy in her career.

Her mother and father have been communicating supportively with both of us, without taking sides, which has been very nice. But they both feel that to carry on working with this man will diminish the chances of success in the marriage.

For my wife's part, she is adamant that the affair has ended. She says although she is in love with him, she realises for various reasons (his age, suitability, her real preferences in a man and the circumstances) that her relationship with him has no future.

Until now she has never given me even the slightest cause for lack of trust. She has acted out of vulnerability and confusion and although it is hard to forgive her, I know she is not a cheating hussy and a bad person. So I feel I should believe in her a bit more. Or am I just clutching at straws?
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Old 16th September 2012, 05:24 PM   #9
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Re: My wife is leaving me. Please, please help.

Dear KCB,

Yes, you are blind and hanging onto air! She will not leave the job and works with a man she says she loves. Her intimate details she gave you are quite sicko and personally, I think he made out and plays it safe in his marriage. His wife hasn't got a clue.

You cannot make her change behavior she doesn't want to change. So long as they are together, they will fall back in bed when the opportunity presents itself. In your spot I would not want to be with a woman who says...she loves another...wants to continue to be with him..and makes a choice to be with him on that sunday, a day you planned to recoup some time with her. She was going to grudgingly give you some time and changed her mind. What does that tell you?

So she chooses a job where she has a lot of freedom that means she has opportunity to be away from home. After one year married she loves somebody else. Doesn't sound like a marriage made in heaven or one you will have for any future. She doesn't want to be with you..she wants to be with him. I think he played her and now tell her it is over because he doesn't want to rock his marriage. Maybe he is just always a player and she is one of the hopefuls who like a powerful man of means. Your wife has no deep abiding moral character to save her marriage. She has already made her decision...and she doesn't choose you.

The effort for the marriage is all on your end! I think you should wake up to the fact she is not who you thought her to be. If it isn't him, it will be somebody else who is more suitable in future. He is too old, has family, etc. so it wasn't her idea,l but she is emotionally available and out there where she will meet another power man more to her liking. She feels you didn't live up to her expectations in the marriage. It seems she has outgrown the relationship you had and likes the bright lights and personalities around her.

I think you have no choice here and she already made her choices. I guess you let her go and get on with your life. Personally, I think you can do better. I'm sorry for your pain and it is very sad to go through the death of a marriage with someone who doesn't put you and God as the center point of life.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 16th September 2012 at 05:32 PM.
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Old 16th September 2012, 07:55 PM   #10
Forever
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Re: My wife is leaving me. Please, please help.

Let's just say that she was/is extremely unhappy and unfulfilled and wanted much more out of the marriage...which rubs against the grain of what you had to offer. This affair represents that she has checked out and she wanted you to know it. However, because she now has the "job of her dreams" and has "tasted" freedom and sees other possibilities out there...well, she is not likely going to do a quick turn around just to save something that she no longer is interested in.

I agree with you that she should not be required to quit that job...this idea should be something which she is convicted to do from her own heart as her offering to repair the marriage. She will need that job for her own future should she continue to want out of the marriage. There may come a time if SHE wants to repair her end of it, that she will realise that it is necessary to quit that place...she will likely fall back into his clutches otherwise, or someone else's...but this is something that she should be doing on her own...I would be hard pressed to continue on in a marriage without that happening first and foremost.

You cannot live your marriage knowing he and she are still in intimate proximity to each other. It will cause absolute havoc in your lives...and your willingness to forgive her this now, will soon turn sour as she continues to be near him. You will not know when she is telling the truth or lying. This, you may find out the hard way.

This exact same thing happened to one of my sons. His ex refused to quit the place she worked at (where the man she was having an affair was)...end results...divorce, because the trust continued to be broken...my son found himself stalking and checking on her constantly while trying to raise two young children, work full time and care for their home. The excitement of the forbidden had proven to be too much for either of them to handle...she called him an old "fuddy duddy" because he was too exhausted from work to party nightly...and she was too lazy to care properly for the home, which fell onto him also. He took her out anywhere she wanted to go on weekends...but she was still not satisfied. They are the same age, but were raised with different values.

Of course you are grasping at straws...who wouldn't??? It is totally understandable, but you should leave desperation as something internal or she will think you to be a weak manipulating sop. It will make no difference to her what you say or do because at this point, she is not interested...might as well keep your human dignity intact while you wait to see if the other shoe drops.
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Old 16th September 2012, 08:08 PM   #11
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Re: My wife is leaving me. Please, please help.

First I want to say, from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much for being with me through this. It really does make a huge difference to have other people advising and helping me. I just don't know where I'd be without you.

I have started to think more rationally about divorce, though I feel miserable and scared about it. I guess it's just the first stage of accepting the likelihood (I daren't say certainty) of separation.

What I don't know, and I would love it if you could help me with, is what I should do in the next therapy session, which is on Tuesday. 1aokgal you have been brutally honest but you are encouraging me to be braver and more strident than I feel I can be at the moment. I also don't want to risk driving her away.

Should I focus on talk about repairing our marriage? I feel, as you have all suggested, that I've said and promised enough about that and now it is time to "leave the ball in her court" on that one. I've said what I have to say about repairing our marriage and I obviously can't get her to believe in me by simply repeating the resolutions and changes I'm prepared to make.

Should I focus on talk about ending our marriage? I'm so scared that will drive her away. If she is starting to think about making amends, I don't want to seem so angry and cold that I extinguish any candle she may be holding.

Below is what I was thinking of bringing up on Tuesday.

We’ve talked a lot about me, and how the things I have brought to the marriage over eight years have ultimately made you unhappy. And I have expressed a commitment to address those problems of mine. But since that has, as yet, fallen on deaf – or at least unbelieving – ears, my thoughts have diversified to consider how I feel about what you’ve recently brought to the marriage and the damage which you are doing.

1. Your indifference. I have shown commitment to make necessary changes to my lifestyle so that we may both be happier. You’ve said that if I did make those changes, it might be too late, it might not make any difference to you.
I feel discarded and unloved. You don’t seem to want to give changes a chance.

2. Your mistrust. I have tried to be mature and adult about all this, rather than small and insecure. In what I’ve said I’ve tried to be logical and supportive. You misinterpret everything I say as ‘manipulative’ or ‘belittling’.
I feel that negative motives are being wrongly attributed to me. You don’t seem to want to give me a chance.

3. Your affair. I have tried to experiment with little meetings, to use the ‘strategies you can take back into your marriage’ as the therapist said. You now say ‘I am finding the space between therapy sessions helpful’. I fear that is because you now get to spend every day with the other man. Even your two days off, this week. You don’t seem to want to give this marriage a chance.

Don't worry, I'm not going to learn this by heart or take a piece of paper in there. I just like to have an idea beforehand of the things I want to have raised by the end of the session. Do you think these are the right sort of things to say at this stage?
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Old 16th September 2012, 08:16 PM   #12
Forever
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Re: My wife is leaving me. Please, please help.

That seems reasonable to discuss on Tuesday...but be prepared for fireworks. She does NOT want to address her own behavior or the impact it is having on you or the marriage. She is looking for justification to end it and move forward.

So you will have had your say, she will blow it off or say that you are being accusatory and belittling to bring her sins to the forefront, and that will be that. Dont be afraid to speak the truth. In the future, it will all come back ringing true in her soul...as it did four years later with my son's ex wife...too little too late.
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Old 16th September 2012, 10:13 PM   #13
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Re: My wife is leaving me. Please, please help.

Dear KCB,

It would be unfair to offer pessimism, when you so seek validation that counselling can save the day with this marriage. That is your intent. You would shift heaven and earth to make it work. Your love has a great capacity. It seems you already accepted the blame your habits, as a homebody, accounts for her actions.

You can talk about your grievances there until the cows come home. She doesn't care how you feel about what she has done. She will simply put all the blame as your fault. She needs justification for why she cheated. I believe she wants OUT of the marriage until she finds a more suitable situation. That man isn't a keeper, because he is older and married and will stay with his family. He probably has cheated with other young dazzled women who like power men.

She is likely very attractive to do such a job, and there was an affair. She will continue to work beside the man she cares about, as it is her dream job. She is extremely ambitious and will continue to seek to improve her situation. Maybe he is a player and it is over, as he doesn't want to blow his family for a dalliance. Since they are so intimate together there is always opportunity to be together when they are in proximity.

It is a fact she is emotionally open to a power man who can offer more. If this guy had been available and not older, she would be gone. She wouldn't look over her shoulder to her marriage, if he fit that picture. I think this situation will repeat in future as somebody else will fit the picture. Her job puts her with attractive, power men and likely there will be someone else more to her liking for the long term.

I would suggest that you seek counselling for yourself. That is not to seek to change who your are, that you like being a homebody. There are so many Christian women who would find that a content life and desire only to make a good home and raise children. I think this woman will never have that desire. It is doubtful you have much chance to salvage this marriage with family common goals. I am all for love and finding the way back for two people. I just don't see that here.

She is unbelievably self interested and cruel in how she has manipulated this. Somehow she makes her affair your fault. You didn't do this or that! She has ambition to ingratiate herself to this power boss. She used him for what he offered her, just as she has used you for security, while she goes up the ladder until she doesn't need you.

Often women will use their sexuality to cement a place in an organization. So who used who is a debate here for me! I'm sorry you are going through such a sad time. Be glad no children are involved and work on your own issues in counselling. Your confidence is in shreds.
Put effort toward your goals and improve your work situation. You have to detach and see the whole picture. I think counselling will turn into a blame session. She will never admit she alone is at fault. Don't be willing to change who you are, what you value, to try to win over a woman who doesn't see value in the man she married. It is a choice to love. She hasn't made that decision with her husband.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 17th September 2012 at 03:24 AM.
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Old 17th September 2012, 09:46 AM   #14
Raymond
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Re: My wife is leaving me. Please, please help.

You will know in the next few days whether she is really sorry about the affair KCB.

I have my doubts personally. I feel you are being too accommodating. You say you are afraid to put out any little flame that may be there by being confrontational. I think you have to take more control and give her stark choices. I don't think that being compliant keeps the flame alight.
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Old 27th September 2012, 10:18 PM   #15
KCB
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Re: My wife is leaving me. Please, please help.

Well, she moved out. It's pretty much over. She has taken her wedding ring off, given me back the engagement ring, moved all her stuff out of our apartment and already found another apartment. She maintains that she's not in love with me any more, that I can never make her happy and she is sure she is doing the right thing. We've made email agreements about our few possessions and this I suppose will form the basis of what could be an unusually straightforward divorce procedure. I have the names of a couple of recommended solicitors.

The question I'd like some help with is, should I tell his wife? I know it's not my fault that he had an affair with my wife, but all the same I don't want to be the person who may turn her world upside down (by telling her). She has children aged 16 and 18. He has told my wife the usual stuff: "my wife and I have drifted apart", "my wife doesn't understand me any more", "we don't really have a loving marriage", but then that's exactly what he would say to an attractive blonde half his age with her hands in his trousers.

My mother's marriage ended when my father had an affair. The same thing happened to my wife's mother. I guess I feel sorry for his wife. But in all honesty I kind of feel a little bit like taking an empowered step.

Do you think I should tell his wife?
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