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Old 23rd March 2015, 07:58 PM   #1
susan123
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Broke boyfriend

I've been dating someone for 2 months now. He has good qualities and seems to be someone things could get serious with. Problem is that his work situation is not very good and is not financially stable. I also feel like he isn't making much of an effort to improve things. I have my own career and don't really need his money but it bothers me that he isn't being more proactive about his situation. It's not laziness or so he claims but rather with him just being content with what he has...I feel he could do a lot better. He never asks me for money or pay his bills, at least not yet. Is this a deal breaker?
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Old 23rd March 2015, 08:20 PM   #2
chosen
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Re: Broke boyfriend

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Originally Posted by susan123 View Post
I've been dating someone for 2 months now. He has good qualities and seems to be someone things could get serious with. Problem is that his work situation is not very good and is not financially stable. I also feel like he isn't making much of an effort to improve things. I have my own career and don't really need his money but it bothers me that he isn't being more proactive about his situation. It's not laziness or so he claims but rather with him just being content with what he has...I feel he could do a lot better. He never asks me for money or pay his bills, at least not yet. Is this a deal breaker?
IT depends what you are looking for. If you want a guy who earns a lot and who is ambitious and go ahead, then he probably isnt the one for you. However there are far more important things in life than those, and he may be a content person who doesnt see the need for lots of money or things.

Last edited by chosen; 24th March 2015 at 01:13 AM.
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Old 23rd March 2015, 08:53 PM   #3
susan123
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Re: Broke boyfriend

I'm thinking of the long run. A situation where if things worked out and eventually we got married. What if we have children one day and I won't be able to work as much because of having to take care of children. He will have to provide for the family's expenses. How will he do that when he only just manages his own expenses right now.
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Old 24th March 2015, 01:12 AM   #4
chosen
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Re: Broke boyfriend

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Originally Posted by susan123 View Post
I'm thinking of the long run. A situation where if things worked out and eventually we got married. What if we have children one day and I won't be able to work as much because of having to take care of children. He will have to provide for the family's expenses. How will he do that when he only just manages his own expenses right now.
Well most women where I live return to work after maternity leave anyway, as they cant afford not to.
It depends on what standard of living you want. I know young couples who dont have a lot of money but they manage. Dont stay with a man thinking that you will change him, if you dont love him as he is then leave.
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Old 26th March 2015, 10:50 AM   #5
Raymond
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Re: Broke boyfriend

Not everyone has ambition to get higher up but I think he should be doing a good job at what he does. Sometimes people get motivated when things get serious. Having a wife who didn't work I always had to keep my eye in to make sure i was earning. You cannot force it though.
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Old 28th March 2015, 07:23 AM   #6
1aokgal
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Angry Re: Broke boyfriend

Hold on there! You dated him 2 months and it sounds like you are on a fast moving train. You are thinking about him already as a marriage prospect and are critical of his career choice or position in life. You didn't mention the age of the man, or why you think you have life all figured out and want to direct his. When a man doesn't earn as much, dating means making some concessions to entertain at home and keep the spending down.

My husband was not real well set at the beginning either, as a young man. I figured he liked what he chose as a career path, and would do better with more experience and time. There is no way I would direct or push him in his work or expect him to meet some unrealistic expectation that he was going to "take care for me" neither did I expect him to supply all our needs. The lean years were not easy, but I always worked. He found his career path and works very hard.

It sounds as if you are seriously shopping for husband material and after such a short time together you are critical of his job progress. Most young men don't come with all their career goals met. Most will find direction with the necessity of climbing the ladder of seniority in the chose field. If you direct energy to meet your own career goals, you will find that an interested man will want to succeed as well.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 28th March 2015 at 07:30 AM.
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Old 23rd March 2015, 09:47 PM   #7
Lindentree1
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Re: Broke boyfriend

You sound like you have different priorities. I would move on. Better to do it in the beginning than years later.
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Old 30th March 2015, 03:28 PM   #8
Lindentree1
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Re: Broke boyfriend

Isn't two months a bit soon to be thinking about marriage?

I would be glad he's happy in his job than to make more money and be miserable.

If more money is so important to you (because of the future and so on), perhaps you should look for someone with ambition to suit your taste.

It's only been two months. If you're not happy with this situation why not move on? The longer you stay, the harder it will be for everyone.

If you plan to stay with him you should accept his job situation and not expect him to change.
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Old 1st April 2015, 01:19 AM   #9
1aokgal
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Re: Broke boyfriend

I would love it if my husband would earn less, and have a job that doesn't take him away from home for months at a time. But then, we do live a comfortable life and with security, in the career path he has chosen. It is the choice he made, as he likes the work and is in high demand for his skills. I am supportive and I learned to adapt.

I'm afraid the career choice for a man, may not always be where we agree. So long as the mans' work is ethical, moral and not too dangerous, I guess our man will make his own career choice.

Two months is too soon for you to be critical of this mans' performance or life choice! Most young men have years to advance and find their stride. A woman needs to work on her own earning ability. Today we don't expect a man to be a sole provider. It takes both people to build a secure life, provide a home, and educate the children. I think this subject is viewed differently, depending on the country/culture where one lives. In the states, education and work is the norm for women until the children are born. Many women return to work when the kids older and attend school.

When we date, we look at the character and personality, and we expect a guy to have a decent work ethic to hold a job. We can supply some encouragement, but a man will choose his career path. It is true that a man works hard for his family.
The deal breaker might be that you are pretty critical. It sounds as if you want to "manage" or change this man to be more acceptable to your standards. Either your standards might be too high, or you need to watch that personality trait that wants to pick the man apart. Ease up and enjoy the friendship.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 1st April 2015 at 02:34 AM.
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Old 1st April 2015, 03:13 AM   #10
chosen
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Re: Broke boyfriend

Quote:
Originally Posted by 1aokgal View Post
I would love it if my husband would earn less, and have a job that doesn't take him away from home for months at a time. But then, we do live a comfortable life and with security, in the career path he has chosen. It is the choice he made, as he likes the work and is in high demand for his skills. I am supportive and I learned to adapt.

I'm afraid the career choice for a man, may not always be where we agree. So long as the mans' work is ethical, moral and not too dangerous, I guess our man will make his own career choice.

Two months is too soon for you to be critical of this mans' performance or life choice! Most young men have years to advance and find their stride. A woman needs to work on her own earning ability. Today we don't expect a man to be a sole provider. It takes both people to build a secure life, provide a home, and educate the children. I think this subject is viewed differently, depending on the country/culture where one lives. In the states, education and work is the norm for women until the children are born. Many women return to work when the kids older and attend school.

When we date, we look at the character and personality, and we expect a guy to have a decent work ethic to hold a job. We can supply some encouragement, but a man will choose his career path. It is true that a man works hard for his family.
The deal breaker might be that you are pretty critical. It sounds as if you want to "manage" or change this man to be more acceptable to your standards. Either your standards might be too high, or you need to watch that personality trait that wants to pick the man apart. Ease up and enjoy the friendship.
Unfortunately most young women here have to return to work after their maternity leave, and dont have the luxury of waiting till the children are at school or older. I think its sad especially as its not cheap to get them into day nursery.
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Old 2nd April 2015, 03:53 AM   #11
1aokgal
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Re: Broke boyfriend

I didn't think about what my husband had, or did not have, when I met him. There were few preconceived notions about our future together, except that he was a good person and I loved him. It didn't matter how we would live or that I would follow him to live in another country. His family became my family, despite language and culture differences. I didn't see my family for some years.

There were few problems in how we lived since our sole expectation was that we would make a life together. We had faith all the problems could be overcome. That has worked for 35 years. We began with nothing and made a life of work and family. There were lots of lean years, but two working people made it easier. That formula works for most of us, doesn't it?

If you don't look at a man with that view, you might miss a wonderful life. They say behind a successful man is woman who has faith in him. It is true that married men make the best employees because they apply themselves to the task. A married man spends little time on outside socializing with friends, or going to clubs. They are on the career track to do their best for the family. So a man often changes completely for the woman he loves.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 3rd April 2015 at 05:43 AM.
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Old 3rd April 2015, 08:18 PM   #12
Lindentree1
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Re: Broke boyfriend

According to the latest research in the U.S., 71% of mothers with children under 18 work outside the home. I wouldn't call stay-at-home moms the norm here. Most mothers I have known go back to work after the baby is born.

I also think husbands should have friends. It's healthy. Just my two cents.

But anyway, I wonder what OP decided.

Last edited by Lindentree1; 3rd April 2015 at 08:28 PM.
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Old 3rd April 2015, 11:47 PM   #13
chosen
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Re: Broke boyfriend

IT would be interesting to see how may of those 71% of women didnt go back to work till their children were at school or nearer the older end of that scale than at the beginning. Here most have to go back after 9-12 months. Its mainly due to the terribly high cost of housing here.

Nothing wrong with the husband or wife having friends, but its true that a married man will be more focused on wife and children than any outside friends.
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Old 7th April 2015, 06:21 AM   #14
1aokgal
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Re: Broke boyfriend

My husband goes sometimes for a lunch or to meet a couple of guys he works with at coffee shop or they plan a dinner to catch up on latest company gossip. My husband tells me he is away from home enough when he works, so he is pretty much a homing pigeon. These guys spend months on a ship together, so most have little interest to hang out somewhere. A couple of his friends will stop by in summer and they visit on the deck outside while I may shop or do something upstairs. These are a pretty settled group, so they are pretty nice people. I agree that having friends is healthy and natural, so long as it is not in bars.

Women over 30 here, generally have pretty good jobs, not transient situations, so they will return to that career after maternity. The best situations seem if family can help with childcare. This is sometimes where a grandmother fills in until child is older for kindergarten. It was always difficult to leave my daughter and go to work in those early years. It wrenches the heart no matter how great is the childcare.

It really takes two incomes here as well, if a couple plan to buy a home by 30's. Home ownership is still possible, but there is that 30 year home mortgage to consider. That couple needs to have a committed income to make that possible. Most couples will go into a starter home and later move up to a larger home by building equity. The longer one rents a home, the less chance to buy and build equity. This is still a country of possibility, coupled with hard work, and sound financial planning.
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Old 7th April 2015, 07:50 AM   #15
chosen
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Re: Broke boyfriend

Housing there is far far cheaper. Even with both working here, its not often a couple can afford to buy a home, even a very small one, unless they have well off parents who can help them with a large deposit. My son and his wife are in their 30's with a small son, and both work, but unless God does a miracle(and that is what I am praying for) I cant see how they will afford a home of their own. The rent on their tiny 2 bed terraced house is about $1500 a month. Its crazy. They also have no family near enough to help with daily child care. However they are very happy, and like me arent worried about material possessions and just want to be where Gods wants them.
My oldest nephew is the same. They rent a small 2 bed flat and have a small son, they wont have any more children because they haven't got the room even though they both work.
Its a very sad situation. When I married at 19 its was pretty easy to get a small home, we bought our first one(a 2 bed maisonette) at age 20 and 24, and we didnt earn that much. Housing is cheaper in some areas, such as the north of England, but of course those are areas with far less jobs available.

Last edited by chosen; 7th April 2015 at 07:57 AM.
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