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Old 11th May 2009, 07:27 AM   #1
chanelin
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Unhappy 7&a half years.wants marriage!

My Christian bf and I have been together for 7&a half years. I'm struggling because I want to move on. To the next chapter.
To marriage, he wants to but he is not ready. He compromised and said two years time. But I have needs, desires I'm at my wits end. We love each other very much and ending it is not an option. Threatening/making him oblige/pressuring him has only caused quarrels. I know I'm in the wrong too ): pray for us.
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Old 12th May 2009, 07:31 PM   #2
Raymond
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Re: 7&a half years.wants marriage!

Why doesn't he want to get married after 7 and a half years? What reason does he give? Of course I will pray. Can you gice your ages?

Raymond
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Old 13th May 2009, 02:39 AM   #3
chanelin
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Re: 7&a half years.wants marriage!

Thanks Raymond. It's really difficult as both of us are 24, and we're still studying. I have sufficient
savings to have a small ceremony (to have a proper solemnization in God's eyes) and to
ROM (go to the Registry of Marriage) as well.

However, he says he's not ready - and that he will be in 2 years.
That we will get married in two years. To trust him and all -
He has his reasons, one of them is financial - and he has plans of a big
wedding/proposal/ring etc.

I want to be able to live with him as distance is putting a strain on our relationship.
i spoke to my mum abt it - my mum asks me to wait for him to be ready, to respect him. his mum n i are also close, his mum said no point rushing him - because he will - do it out of obligation (and even he said so himself)
and so is there nothing else i can do but wait? i've been crying on and off and it's been a rollercoaster.

I really don't know what to do. I believe I have been at some fault as well.
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Old 13th May 2009, 08:28 PM   #4
Raymond
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Re: 7&a half years.wants marriage!

I think your mother is right. It is a test for you Chanelin but it is worth waiting for. You need patience. I know it's difficult but your love will win out in the end. I am puzzled about planning a proposal as that is really just the point where you ask someone to marry you.

I wouldn't advise living with him until you are married. Not that you are saying that you want to. It is difficult but you have the rest of your life to enjoy married life with him and it will be well worth the wait believe me. Do it right and you will be really blessed. I feel it's going to be a fantastic wedding made sweeter by the waiting. Wow! You will get through this time because you have to.

Raymond
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Old 14th May 2009, 03:42 AM   #5
chanelin
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Re: 7&a half years.wants marriage!

Raymond, we won't live together until we're married, and I want us to live together. Married, and hence that is why I want to...basically it's about finances and all too.

A Pastor replied:
Thanks for writing. I can fully understand your frustration. You are in a
situation that I don't need to describe to you, but what I can say, is that
it is not unique. Many women find themselves in this situation. I can
imagine, if you have been together for 7 years already, that you are not a
teenager anymore and it is typical that you want to plan your life, set your
goals and begin to see that you are moving toward them. That is mature and
right.

The question is why doesn't your boyfriend want to get married (or even
worse... why doesn't he want to get married to you?) Are you having sex?
Are you doing wifely things for him? Do you fulfil his needs for
companionship and company, do you respect him and acknowledge his manhood?
I am asking, because it would mean that you are giving him what he needs and
he does not return the favour. Security and commitment is a basic need for
a woman and if you want to plan to have children, which is very basic to the
nature and desire of a woman, you want to do that in the confines of a
family consisting of husband and wife with home and safe place to raise
these kids. I don't care what people say and how modern they think we all
are... these are basic to our human nature and there simply is no better
place for children to grow up secure, happy and successful, than inside a
family. Kids deserve to have their own father and their own mother in their
own home, loving and caring for them.

If you are fulfilling his needs he does not have to get married to you. He
already has what he needs without having to give you what you need. This is
one of the reasons why God wants us to keep sex for marriage. The Bible
says it is better to get married than to burn with desire... this definitely
implies that outside of marriage, you are not having sex and if you want to
stop burning for it, get married.

You are indeed in for a difficult decision, but you are going to have to
make a very serious choice. If your discussions on this topic turns to
arguments, it must make you feel really undesirable and unwanted. Think
about it... you have a man who says he loves you, but FIGHTS the thought of
being with you and committing to you. He does not want to marry you, so
that he is free to walk away. That is the horrible reality. I would
seriously question his love, his motives and his commitment. And think
about it... how does that make you feel? And how would it make you feel if
you finally prevail upon him and he 'gives in'? You want him to want to
marry you right? You want him to love you so much that he wants to give
himself completely to you and make sure no one else gets you. You would
love for him to plan a proposal and make you his wife. These are normal
things. And you want it to come from him! What is not normal is a guy who
is wasting your time, not fulfilling your needs and also preventing anyone
else from doing it, because he is just...there.

Perhaps he simply has fear of making up his mind and that would be evident
in everything else in his life. How does he make other decisions? If this
is the case, perhaps the fear of loosing you would be worse than the fear
that he marries you and find it was a mistake. But for goodness sake...
after 7 years he MUST have some picture of you.

If I was you, I would tell him that I believe it is better to separate for a
while so that he can make up his mind if you are IT for him and that he
could get an idea of what it is like when you are not there to fulfil his
needs. Either he is going to come to his senses or you are going to drift
apart and you will be free to meet someone who is not fighting the idea of
spending his whole life with you. Don't sell yourself cheap. You are worth
it and it is about time your boyfriend sees this. You say he is
Christian... then he needs to take a hard look at the Bible and see that his
behaviour is very unscriptural indeed.
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Old 14th May 2009, 07:39 PM   #6
Raymond
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Re: 7&a half years.wants marriage!

Hi Chanelin. I don't really know the reason for the very very long engagement you are in apart from the financial reasons. Mine was six months but I knew her before that. Some universities have married couples quarters where you can actually live cheaper than you are now. Two can live as cheap as one as they say.

We have a couple in our church who married young. She is in Cambridge University while he works in a bookshop in Cambridge. When she has done her degree he will see if he needs to study although he is being promoted as manager of the bookshop and helps the other branches get sorted. So a little job turned out quite lucrative. They rent a tiny house but they are very happy for now.

Although it is a trial I cannot see that it is unscriptural the way you are now. You are waiting until you are married if you know what I mean. I don't think it is a good idea to seperate as you are engaged to be married.

The problem is what is in his mind? Who knows what that is? In only a year you will need to be planning the wedding as it is hard to book churches. I know that from experience as my son got married last August at 22 yrs.

Is he afraid of the responsibility of looking after you with not enough money? Just a thought.

Raymond
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Old 20th May 2009, 02:16 AM   #7
chanelin
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Re: 7&a half years.wants marriage!

Thank you very much Raymond. I'll try to wait patiently, be content and happy.
My best wishes to you...
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Old 3rd July 2009, 04:13 PM   #8
Online Dater
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Re: 7&a half years.wants marriage!

I do understand your situation right now. Iím just wondering what makes him not to be ready. For 7 years of being together, itís no joke after all. If he thinks about financial matters, I donít think it would be a problem. Good thing my bf donít want a long term engagement. 2 years of being together is enough for him. Though we donít have enough budgets for the wedding, he is still willing to pursue it and so I am.
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Old 3rd July 2009, 08:33 PM   #9
Raymond
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Re: 7&a half years.wants marriage!

Good for you.

Raymond
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Old 23rd February 2010, 07:52 PM   #10
lisa3159
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Re: 7&a half years.wants marriage!

You are right to want to move on in your relationship. What do you think is holding him back. Obviously, your relationship is stable as you've been together for seven and a half years. I agree that giving him an ultimatum or pushing him would not be good. My prayers are with you.
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Old 8th July 2010, 04:23 AM   #11
chosen
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Re: 7&a half years.wants marriage!

I have to say that 7 years and no proposal is a red flag. How does he know that he will be ready in 2 years?He may just be fobbing you off, so you will stop talking about it.
I think that advise to have a seperation (of maybe 3-6 months) is a great idea for you both to see where you go from here, and for you to pray and ask God what the next step is.
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Old 15th July 2010, 05:25 PM   #12
LisaMarieSings.Com
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Re: 7&a half years.wants marriage!

I am a wedding singer. I have been in an around lots of people getting engaged and people getting married. I have in 20 years only performed in one wedding where people dated that long before getting married. I think I sang at a wedding where they dated 16 years.

At some point you are going to have to decide, what quality do you want out of life, and is it worth it to drag someone down the aisle, or to marry someone who wants to gladly honor you and marry you with great joy not with debate about it.

Lisa Marie
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