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Old 10th April 2009, 07:42 AM   #1
struggling
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Question Being 'kind' to the adultery partner?

Hello,

I am new to this forum. Have been coping with the aftermath of my husband's adultery for 20 months. We have both been in counselling, I have probably read 10 books on the subject, and joined other web forums. But my question here stems from what Christians have said to me, or what Christian writers think.

Someone said that the betrayed wife should not contact the other woman, but if she did she should agree on what to say with her husband. I wrote two horrible letters to the 'other woman'. The first one I left for my husband to read, but he couldn't face doing so. I have absolutely no regret about those letters- I meant every word I wrote, and I needed to tell her the truth about what she had done to us and our marriage.

By the way I also wrote a more caring letter to her when I assumed there was no contact whatsoever between them. Subsequently I found she was texting him 3 times a day and hoping our marriage would break up. The second hateful letter was sent after I discovered this.

Another point of view I have seen, both from Christians and non-Christians, is that one shouldn't lower oneself by showing hate and anger to the adultery partner. Maybe I can sympathise with this view, but at the time I really didn't care what this 'woman' thought about me. She is a whore as far as I am concerned.

Other people's views would be appreciated.
 
Old 10th April 2009, 08:02 AM   #2
1aokgal
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Re: Being 'kind' to the adultery partner?

I don't know why the anger is always directed at the other woman? Listen, he is the one who had the sex with another. He probably lied through his teeth and told her he was separated or that you were a "hag from hell." I bet she was all in sympathy for the "poor guy" and he told her you made his life miserable.

You really need to think about this.... that if she was calling/texting him, it is because he set it up that way. He gave her the number, didn't he? Keep your hate and discontent at home and direct it to the RESPONSIBLE party, HIM. She is probably just as victimized as what he did to you. He is a SCUZ and you are in denial if you don't see it that way.

This type of man will say anything to get it his way so he is a hunter and if she cared about ihim, it is because he painted a real nice picture of him and told her all the bad stuff about his wife. He got her sympathy. You really don't know that man at all.

No contact with her is the best idea. Take it with class and deal with him. She is not the black widow spider. He is the lying, cheating one. Blame him!
 
Old 10th April 2009, 08:52 AM   #3
JWD
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Re: Being 'kind' to the adultery partner?

In my case, the other woman knew we were married. I've been given a hard tiome from various people for not calling, confronting the other woman. my view is that he is the problem, not her, she could have been anyone. he made the choice to stray. I don't even think much about her and I worry that maybe this is still to come. Even my counsellor thought that I would be tied up in knots about her. She is just not that important to me.

I fully understand why others write and call the other woman, I just don't want her to think she has any power over my emotions at all. I also know, once I lose my temper, there is no going back, it would be everyones benefit for me and the other women never to cross paths.
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Old 10th April 2009, 09:48 AM   #4
Dave
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Re: Being 'kind' to the adultery partner?

Given this particular forum is the one about Christian Marriage, I guess my first question would be "What would Jesus do?"

Next ask yourself what the purpose of your communication is? Any communication based in love should be aiming to build up and restore relationship. Do you really want a relationship with this woman? I recognise that in one sense you have one whether you want it or not, but my sense is that you want nothing more to do with her, and you want her out of your husbands life too. In that case isn't no writing and no contact the simplest way?

If however the purpose of the letter is to induce guilt, or to vent your pain and anger then the motive is self, not love. By all means share your deepest feelings with your husband, and listen too to his, but just dumping them onto the OW heals nothing. If you can't keep them in, and can't bear to share them with your husband, then write them as a letter to the Lord - He will listen! He knows what desertion and treachery feel like - today especially!

Ultimately your road forward lies through forgiveness - you have to let her, and all the pain and anger go. Easy for me to write, hard for you to do. But as you do, your husband will see revealed your full beauty and love, and his heart will respond.

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Old 10th April 2009, 09:57 AM   #5
Sheila
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Re: Being 'kind' to the adultery partner?

1Aokgal that is great advice that I know I will be reading over and over again. I have never really looked at it that way before.
I sent the other woman a text when I found out, simply saying 'how is my husband' - I also sent 1 email just telling her that she is his mistress and he is only telling her what she wants to hear. I also phoned her and she hung up.
She never replied to any of the above.
To be honest, it made me so angry that she didn't reply, and I hated the feelings I had, so thought it better not to bother again.
Over the past couple of days I have been desperate to contact her, but have resisted.
So, she is out there having a lovely time with my husband. I have accepted this and am now moving on to bigger and better things.
It wont last between them, if you read my other post, you will see he is a serial adulterer and I have no doubt that he will not change.
She will realise this in the long run without me helping things along.
When my husband first came back to me I begged him to call her whilst I was in the room to tell her we were making our marriage work and to stop texting and calling him, but he wouldn't. It was his choice not to do that, and it was his choice to carry on answering the texts and calls.
Maybe if he had told her to stay away, she would have.
Although she is not totally blameless, he is of course the one who could have stopped this.
Each time I have itchy fingers and want to email or text her, I am going to read this post.
I am now looking forward to a new life, I have spent too much time analysing everything, and I have shed too many tears.
Nails tonight, hair tomorrow, and a lovely long weekend before I have to go back to work.
Be strong and dont contact her - believe me, it will wear you down in the end as it did me.
Thanks again 1Aokgal for the great advice and helping me see what I should have seen back in February
xx
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Old 10th April 2009, 03:42 PM   #6
1aokgal
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Re: Being 'kind' to the adultery partner?

Dearest Sheila..

I am glad to read your post and know that a huge weight has been lifted from your heart. The pain and bitterness of betrayal is a terrible thing. When you direct it to the other woman is a form of denial that you can go on with life as it was and think it"just happened" and SHE is the enemy. She is not the enemy. If they are still together.....he will betray her one day. He is a hunter, a sick man. He is a cheater and he will always be a cheater. There is something missing in this mans' personality that his ego "feeds" on the hunting of women.

He lied to her as he lied to you. She may already see that he is worth none of it. The most important thing....you come out the WINNER. You could waste more years of your life watching and waiting for the next betrayal and your self esteem would be ZERO. Real class is to just make a great life and the hell with both of them. She did you a great favor. One day he will do the same to her. Again ...it just did not HAPPEN, he is the one, not her. She is a victim, just like you were. THese men choose women with a great capacity and desire to love...who trust, who are easy to betray. Did you have an unhappy childhood?

Listen..I know this...The universe will reward you for the lovely person you are. You may be hurt and vulnerable now..so this is when you concentrate on you. You go buy yourself a new perfume, dress or something nice and spend an Easter morning in your church or with family or go out to breakfast with a good friend. You do NOT talk about him. Let him not steal one more minute of your life. View him as an ugly mistake and go on to make it better for you. Ask God to remove the anger from your heart. Concentrate on you. Get to the gym.. go visit a gallery. Go do things he never wanted to do that you enjoy.

There is a good man out there just for YOU. He will find you..you will be brought together..and he will love only you. If another woman would be stripped naked in a room he would not betray his love for you. That is the man you need to be with..not that lying, cheating, nothing bum. Who could be proud of him?

One day, years from now, you will look back and it will be a dim memory. Sheila, who needs their guts wrenched together to always wonder where he is? Is he telling you the truth? Does he really have to work late? That is not the way to live.

You deserve a good and decent life with a good man who puts you on a pedastal as the woman he loves and sees no other. Yes, there are men like that.

You must heal yourself and have peace inside of yourself. Let that pain go. You will have some bad days and sometimes remember nice memories. When you do, remember this part of wondering where he is and the hate you felt toward her, that should have been directed to the writer, director of that drama..HIM. Get yourself out of that.

If you have not already, get a good lawyer/solicitor find a nasty one. Get what you can and leave the rest. Rebuild your life and find new friends. Don't talk about him. Don't sit down and have coffee with him..let your lawyer do the talking. Give him not another minute of your life.

One day..you may already have forgotten his name. He will still be bed hopping and finding women who listen to him until one day he wakes up alone.

I expect somebody may pass a story to you about his sad life. You won't even care.
God bless you. Take care of you. xoxxo

Last edited by 1aokgal; 10th April 2009 at 08:10 PM.
 
Old 10th April 2009, 08:23 PM   #7
1aokgal
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Re: Being 'kind' to the adultery partner?

Dear Struggling...

Sorry you have gone through such a bad time in the marriage. Again..I say..why do spouses blame the other woman? Do you think she laid in wait just to get your husband? I doubt that. I am sure he was the hunter and gave her such a good story about his hag of a wife and how bad he was treated.

If she texts him 3X a day..you can bet he got that started. Nobody would go on with that unless they are given lies and assurrences that the texts are welcome. Your hubby is dressed in sheeps clothing but he is the wolf who did the hunting.

Get off the pursuit and hate of the woman, because he has put out a pack of lies. If he is home now, he will stray again. It is in his nature. THese men love the idea of two women who want to tear each other apart because of him. No real man treats his women...BOTH of them...like that.

Look closely at your Sweetie..I think he is a liar. If you believe his story you believe there are still tooth fairies. Unless he is willing to get himself in counselling or you can be assurred this will never happen again..be prepared for next time. You need to concentrate on you and doing great things for yourself. Make sure you prepare yourself financially so when the bottom drops out...and it very well might.....you are OK with that. I feel sorry for the woman because he led her down the pike as well as he lied to you. Can't you see that?

If she calls..texts..pursues, it is because he encourages that. Then he sits back and grin like a Chesshire cat, while two women have their lives disrupted. He made that happen. If it was me I would change the locks and put his bags out the door.

If you think she is a "whore"...what is he? She was not in that alone. HE betrayed his marriage. Listen..get it straight..he is a player who lied to both of you. Don't you see that? Never write or lower your standards to be a hysterical fishwife (that is what he told HER you are.) Feel sorry for that woman, because he hooked her in with lies, the same as he hooked you into his life.

Probably, she is a very nice woman and felt sorry for the guy because he talked so bad about his wife. He probably said at first he was separated. Later, when the truth comes out she is involved. You do see that, don't you? Don't be part of the spider web he has made. Be above that mess. You need to do some soul searching analysis on that whole picture. You got to get some reality. Don't try to whitewash him. It did not just happen. That was his choice to be with another woman. You direct your anger the wrong way. That will keep you from healing and setting your life on track.

Life is too short to spend it with a loser.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 13th April 2009 at 03:22 AM.
 
Old 12th April 2009, 08:17 AM   #8
struggling
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Re: Being 'kind' to the adultery partner?

Thank you Dave for your helpful Christian marriage. In view of the very unhelpful and unkind replies from other people, I shall not be posting on this site again.

I had thought, like you, that it was supposed to put a Chiristian perspective on this horrible situation.

Struggling
 
Old 12th April 2009, 10:03 AM   #9
Sheila
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Re: Being 'kind' to the adultery partner?

Im sorry you feel that way struggling.
We are all going through situations of our own and each of us see things in a different way.
You did ask for other views on this and I dont think any of us were being unkind.
Of course there will always be some constructive critisism on websites like this, we can only tell you how we feel, especially when you ask.
I really hope things work out for you.
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Old 12th April 2009, 11:31 AM   #10
Dave
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Re: Being 'kind' to the adultery partner?

Hi struggling,

Thanks for your kind words, and naturally I shall be sad if you go.

People from all walks of life, and many different places in their relationships come and post here, and naturally we aim to accomodate all. Many are at painful places, and that pain comes through in words that can seem harsh; many share their experience and advice with little understanding of the healing grace of our Lord. Most dismiss such thoughts as "unreal" or idealised - He warned us that this would happen, but it still hurts each time it does.

Those who have drawn strength from the site often find they must filter out some of the "noise" and find the true kernels of truth that are hidden here.

I hope you will stick around - as well as harsh voices there are some very wise and godly ones too. And either way, our quiet prayers will be for you as you struggle with the pain in your own relationship.

God bless

Dave
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Old 13th April 2009, 12:32 AM   #11
1aokgal
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Re: Being 'kind' to the adultery partner?

Dear All...

I suppose It is difficult to hear some facts when the truth is so hard to hear or acknowledge. The problem remains that our loved one has betrayed the trust and unless that is dealt with in honest discussion above the anger, than there can never be understanding of why this may have occurred.

It is easier to blame another than to blame a man one may still love deeply. A spouse can want so badly to believe in them and pick up the pieces and go on.
It is a statistical fact that when a man is unfaithful, the wife wants to forgive. It is in a womans' nature to love and forgive almost anything. Many marriages come out far better after a betrayal because the couple wants to salvage a marriage and get to the underlying problems that may have caused the distance between the two. Both make changes to form a stronger marriage.

They say cheating is a SYMPTOM of the real problem and not the problem itself. Then the other side of the coin, there are men (and women) incapable to sustain a relationship who go from relationship to relationship with the same pattern.


It is far better to seek the root of the problem with the man involved. If both partners are willing to sit down in counselling sessions maybe the problems can be worked out. If one is in denial and sees only that someone else is responsible (as the other woman), that is a bandaid on the cut. I don't think things can change unless the man will take responsibility and BOTH make changes to better the relationship. An affair does not have to be the end of a marriage but it definitely is a sad wakeup call.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 14th April 2009 at 04:13 PM.
 
Old 13th April 2009, 11:48 AM   #12
JWD
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Re: Being 'kind' to the adultery partner?

I think it definately is a wake up call and I believe that a marriage can be saved after an affair should both parties want that. O think I have it all back to front, there is still a part of me that blames myself before I blame wither of them. I'm not sure why.

I hope you manage to work through your anger struggling and I honestly do understand why you are feeling like this and your need to blame the other woman, its just not happening like that for me.

Do keep posting
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Old 14th April 2009, 12:54 AM   #13
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Re: Being 'kind' to the adultery partner?

Hi

i am not a church goer, or pertain to any particular religion, but i do follow most christian values.

Having been in this sort of situation myself i did write the OW a letter of sharp reminders of morals and values. Then i went to her house when i suspected the affair had restarted - it had. When she realised that my marriage wasn't over, she phoned me and we met. She did everything in her power to try to break the marriage, from trying to make my H jealous, to "spilling the beans" telling me lies - and a few truths. During their affair, she had even turned up outside our home, and threatened him that she would tell me if he "played her about".

Oddly, she is a church going christian! And even said she prays for my H and me!

I would strongly recommend no contact with the OW. If you and your H love each other, work on your marriage.

JKK
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Old 14th April 2009, 01:18 PM   #14
Raymond
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Re: Being 'kind' to the adultery partner?

I think jealousy is a legitimate response in these situations. Someone is trying to rob what is rightfully yours. The emotion of anger will give one the strength to deal with the other woman (I don't say hate). The ow should have no illusion as to what is going on I feel.

Jealousy is wanting what is rightfully yours. Envy is wanting what doesn't belong to you. Even God is jealous over His people (those that have given Him their lives through Christ).

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Old 15th April 2009, 04:19 AM   #15
struggling
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Re: Being 'kind' to the adultery partner?

I have tried three times to 'unsubscribe' but the link does not work.

Dave, I realise very well that there are thousands of hurting people out there, and that they have their own pain and anger. I feel however that this should not be directed at others going through this pain. I specifically chose the 'Christian' thread in order to find some understanding and compassion.

My husband is now remorseful- it has taken a long time for him to fully realise what he his actions have cost me and his family, and finally himself. He is emotionally unintelligent, and was subjected to sexual abuse as a child. This I did not know when we married, and in fact I only learnt about it after I discovered the adultery.

The other woman had divorced her husband some years before due to his infidelity. She had known my husband from their childhood, but they had not met for at least 10 years when she decided that she 'needed a man in her life'. These are her words. They met up again while I was away on mission work. She had absolutely no thought of anyone but herself, and in her eyes nothing to lose by what she did. Her adult children were perfectly content that she should attempt the breakup of our marriage.

By the time that I came home, the pattern was established. My husband became cold and distant, and I experienced five very unhappy years. Without God in my life and our adult children I would probably have ended my life during this period. He is a weak man, unable to understand women, and had been dominated all through his childhood by an overbearing mother. He was also an only child. The other woman took over as the new 'dominant' female in his life.

So these are the facts, in order to correct other people's lurid ideas.

Seven years of my life have been lost- our children have been devastated, and so have their partners. Our son has a strong faith, and this has helped him greatly. Adultery is now in our family, and we have to pray that it will not be reproduced in future generations.
 
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