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Old 1st June 2011, 10:48 AM   #181
chosen
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

baroness
There are also drugs that men can take to help this, but if he doesnt want drugs then these herbal ones may help. Horny goat weed is one and Tribulis Terrestris is another.He could try taking both.
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Old 1st June 2011, 12:42 PM   #182
Raymond
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

I think you are providing your own answers perfectly when you are up and in faith Baroness and then you seem to go into another frame of mind. This shows you are in a spiritual battle which you can win with God's help. The answers you have when you are in faith are the ones that are right in my opinion and you need to continue to believe when you are having a battle with feelings.

Of course any practical help as chosen has suggested might be helpful but I think there is more in this than meets the eye. I can almost guarantee that he has not lost his sex drive which basically starts in the brain. He just needs ways to express this with you.
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Old 1st June 2011, 04:52 PM   #183
Baroness
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

I don't believe that he's lost his sex drive completely, but I do know for a fact that he can't keep an erection after awhile, i've experienced this and he doesn't have an orgasm that I know of and I would certainly know and this is because he loses it. I'm almost afraid to admit this but I think he's doing it himself in the other room because its easier and this is a big problem. I can't keep trying to catch him in the act and I can't be absolutely sure of it but it concerns me because i've read posts that say this is dangerous because he falls into that pattern and its hard to break.
This is ridiculous. He has a sexy, vibrant woman right here and he'd rather do it himself? What is wrong with him? I know he doesn't want to admit failure in bed with me and he never has. When that happened he just said he was tired now. Why does this man think its better to just keep this from me and he will never admit any of this. He can't think i'm stupid enough to believe this, can he? That everything is normal when we don't make love at all like we used to.
I will tell you that on an intellectual scale he is not as intelligent as I am. I am very smart and observant and I just know certain things about people because God blessed me with an observant nature and the Holy Spirit helps with this. Maybe he thinks I do buy this, but he will be the first to admit that i'm more intelligent than he is but in some things he is very knowledgeable and when he says he's stupid I always tell him he isn't and to stop saying that.
When he was young he had attention deficit in school and tried to keep it from his family because his sisters were all smart and it got better over time but the result is he doesn't often know how to talk to someone. I know he still thinks about it because it was hard for him because he didn't want his parents and family to think he was stupid. I told him that wasn't being stupid, that was a condition and now its better.
I don't allow him to put himself down and he doesn't do it all the time but if he thinks the way he does then perhaps he thinks i'm just buying his excuses but for me, with my mind, its hard to believe that anyone would think I wouldn't know whats going on. I'm very quick and witty and sometimes we have a good time joking around. I don't think he's stupid but I know that I see more than he does and for him to think that I don't is almost an insult.
I didn't mean to get into all this but he isn't as clever as I am and doesn't read people like I do. He trusts no one but me really and his friends up at the canyon and that's because of his past. He sees the glass half empty and I see it three quarters full and I don't want to lose my positive attitude but I have to admit that being around someone like that has taken its toll on me, but I must not go there. I liked being positive and for years I was naive, believing the good in everyone until I found out differently but I still believe there is good in people.
Being in my current situation with no job and income and also because of my back hurting its hard to believe things will turn out okay but that's where God comes in and he tells me things will be okay and that I need to trust him and I do trust him. Gabby's faith and mine are very different. I know God can transform a life and I have been through some deep spirtual experiences but he hasn't. He meditates in a spiritual manner and the holy spirit has touched him. Believe me, he's changed since he quit the catholic church and started having a relationship with God.
But he doesn't have one like I do. I was raised in a penticostal church and I have seen miracles in my own life that God has done. I believe nothing is impossible but it seems like this is impossible because you have to be open to hear God speaking to you and I don't think he's there yet. Of course I am not judging him because the bible says not to but i'm just telling you what I know. Being a catholic and now being close to God, you wouldn't think he'd feel right about master------, but what do I know? I caught him at it that one time and he acted insulted that I would accuse him of such a thing.
All I know is that this is hard for me and i'm trying to deal with it the best way I know but sometimes it isn't working. I also know he loves me and doesn't desire anyone else. When we're driving he won't even look at pretty women on the street and is very respectful of me and he just loves me and can't believe I still love him. Why wouldn't I? He's been kinder to me than any man and is always respectful. Even when we argue he is respectful and doesn't put me down or call me names, which has been the case with some men in my past.
Where do you get the horny goat and tribus terrestris? I don't think he'd take it if I tell him what its for because he won't admit he needs help and he has had a physical recently. This man is stubborn and in denial and i'm the one who has to pay for it. I'm treating him with love and patience and i'm afraid that the result is that he thinks i'm fine with this because i'm not getting on his case about it. He should know I would never get on his case about anything.
If I have a point to make or if there is a problem i'm very careful in wording it just so, so he will accept it. That knack comes easy for me because i'm always thinking how it would feel to be in the other persons shoes hearing the same thing and I also know that men don't respond to anger or demands and I wouldn't do that anyway. I'm just afraid that if he think i'm okay with this, he won't try to do anything about it. I can't talk to him about this any more than I have.
I wrote a letter to him once, as i've said, and after that he made an attempt to make love to me but I don't want him to make love to me because he's afraid i'm going to leave him or something. I don't want to pressure him into anything and yet I need what I would be pressuring him into. Does that make any sense? I just miss his sense of humor sometimes and I miss his body because I am still attracted to him. I love this man and yet there are times when I just want to go in there and shake him and say, 'We are missing out on so much!'
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Old 1st June 2011, 05:32 PM   #184
chosen
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

You can get those herbal remedies at most health food shops or on line, maybe try e-bay as well.
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Old 1st June 2011, 07:57 PM   #185
Raymond
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Yes you cannot pressure him baroness and you don't want pity sex either.

If he is really doing private mb then that indicates a sex drive being used in the wrong way but you say you are not sure of that.

I think you are wise in not letting him confess stupidness or whatever. One has to be careful over their confessions and confess who God says we are.

It's great that you have a good relationship. I am sure that out of that and your prayers you will get answers.
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Old 2nd June 2011, 12:36 PM   #186
Chamomile
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

How so interesting, Baroness, in what you describe.
What was his occupation before he had retired if you don't mind me asking this?
Sounds like he had a lot to take in his life and he sounds very unique and interesting. Hope this ed thing gets resolved very soon for you.
xxx
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Old 3rd June 2011, 12:19 AM   #187
Baroness
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

He was a construction worker but mainly a painter and he had a crew working for him doing high rise buildings and he made a lot of money. He is retired now of course. He is also a musician, he plays the guitar and the banjo and in his youth roamed around the united states playing with a band in nightclubs and bars. When I met him the painting industry had gone done and shortly after we got together his back went out. He still paints occasionally and he is very good at it.
I checked out the horny toad weed and the tribus terrestris on line and I think I would rather do the tribus because I didn't like the side effects that are possible with the other one. He doesn't take vitimins or any pills so he won't want to take it in pill form but maybe I could put it in food, it is a herb after all and we already use herbs in cooking. It is actually very good for him. It fights cancer and high blood pressure and numerous other things. It is also for women but the last thing I need is to want sex more!
We seem to be doing very well together lately. He's been more communicative and I have been more loving. This morning I just went over to him and hugged him for no reason, other than physical contact is important. Since I changed the way I thought and started praying I have seen a different in him. He smiles more and talks to me more and is pleasant to be around and i'm sure he feels the same about me. I have good and bad moments actually. Sometimes I still think about it and get down when I think of what we are missing and sometimes i'm find and just leave it to God.
My mother is also praying about it with me and she is a great help to me. Solid christian. I stopped talking about my personal life to my friend of 35 years because she is no longer a christian and always puts a negative spin on everything so I decided not to share personal things with her because she was upsetting me all the time. She wants me to be more demanding and controlling and I refuse to be, that isn't even me on a bad day. So I guess its okay but like I say, its up and down. I think its normal that this upsets women.
Of course, I don't know what's going to happen but I can't expect the worst. I have to trust in God and hope he continues to deal with him. And me too. we still sleep in seperate rooms because i'm not going to bed at eight at night but hopefully that herb will help but I am happier this way because I don't like to be resentful or angry and I was surprised how easy it was to just not be anymore. I just decided to be happy because I wasn't helping myself by being angry and resentful.
There are still times when I digress but i'm trying really hard.
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Old 3rd June 2011, 09:41 AM   #188
Chamomile
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Baroness
Oh I see Your h does sound like a very interesting man. There must be an artist in him hearing how you describe your h. Hope that one of the herbs would work wonders, with the satisfactory results to be had for both of you, very soon! I admire your honorable attitude, perseverance and a lot of thinking towards your beloved h. I'm sure these things also help him to realize how much you deeply care about him.
With All the Best xxx
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Old 3rd June 2011, 01:03 PM   #189
Raymond
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

At the end of the day your are casting your burdens upon the Lord Baroness which is the right thing to do. I know that you might take them back occasionally and be tempted to fix it yourself. He is loving us all the time even right this minute so He will be working. The answers that come from Him are always worth a lot and always seem to tie up with what He is doing in us. Remember He invented sex so He will know the answers.

If there are things you can do in faith like this herb, of course that is alright too. I hope it works but if it doesn't you have still chosen a road which will definitely bear fruit.
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Old 3rd June 2011, 02:25 PM   #190
Baroness
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Thank you both so much for all the help. This has been a learning experience for me and i'm seeing things like i've never seen them before. I have faith in God and I trust him to guide me. Before coming on here my faith was a little down but now it has been renewed because I turned to God and not my anger wanting me to lash out because I was hurt. I'm really trying and it isn't always easy but i'm a strong woman and so I think I can conquer this. Thanks for being there for me.
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Old 3rd June 2011, 03:46 PM   #191
chosen
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

We are all rooting for you both.
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Old 6th June 2011, 11:51 PM   #192
Baroness
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

I am not doing so well. Last friday we had a night together in the front room watching movies and we appeared to be having a good time so I put on his favorite nightie and we slept apart. I thought we were having a good time and he even went out to get fast food so I wouldn't have to cook and I told him that I wore the nightie just for him and he got an attitude like he didn't want to discuss it. To make matters worse I fell in the bathtub and he came to help me out. I slipped on the rug and he seemed concerned but didn't respond to me at all. He hasn't slept with me since then either and we have this unspoken agreement and its always been this way, that when I put on that nightie and we visit in the front room he will come to bed with me and nothing happened so i'm really depressed about this.
I'm afraid he just wants to satisfy himself because its easier. I haven't caught him at it but i'm pretty sure that's what he's doing. I found a note in the closet where he has written down gensing and I wish he'd take it. We'd talked about a lot of things and were getting along well but he isn't even trying anymore. My ribs kind on hurt when I turn on my side. I didn't bring up sex when we were together because I know he doesn't want to talk about it. We were joking at one point but when I brought up the nightie he had an attitude so I got up and went into the other room and slammed the door and was pretty upset.
What if the problem isn't that he has erectyle disfunction but that he just doesn't want to be with me? It seems ridiculous to me because he tells me he loves me and I know the last time we were together he couldn't finish. I also remember a time before that, that during foreplay I couldn't get a reaction out of him and I said I was tired and it wasn't doing any good because he wasn't getting hard anyway and he got angry and said that wasn't true but it was true and we both got angry. I'd forgotten about that but there is only so long a woman can do foreplay before she has to give up. I am so discusted with this.
Since then we've been getting along good like we always do and now i'm not sure about getting him that herb, would he even accept it and why isn't he trying to get something to help him all on his own? I tell you, its very depressing for me. I was so positive and now I feel like its a lost cause. At some point I will have to ask him what's going on but I already know what he'll say. He'll say he's been tired or some other excuse and i've been going to bed before him lately and he hasn't come in here so there goes that excuse. I'm sorry, but I think this is hopeless and now my ribs hurt. I feel a little better physically today but yesterday I had a headache all day and my stomach was upset and I think the stress is causing this. I don't know what to do anymore. For God to help him, he has to be willing to listen.
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Old 7th June 2011, 04:52 AM   #193
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Dear Baroness...

Please space your posts with paragraph breaks. It is easier to read. If there is anyone here who understands your situation and pain that would surely be me. You are likely quite right that your husband has little interest in sex and finds he cannot hold an erection for the simple reason he does it better than you can do it.

A man can be a selfmade unit of satisfaction as it is always obtainable, he knows the right friction and mode to reach satisfaction and usually is not interested in help elsewhere. It is an addiction, and an immature one, which is the death of a marriage. You are in the early stages of quietly being put to the side as your husband manages to blow you off when you broach the subject. That makes you feel you are in the wrong to force a discussion. I was there in that same spot thousands of times.

The man enjoys what he does and has tuned out your pain and puzzlement. You look for answers and there seem none. Believe me, that is not going to change without some serious couples therapy until he acknowledges he is a selfish pig who meets his own needs and you have the strength to be angry enough to realize this has nothing at all to do with you. It is not about how you look, but rests on his desire to meet
his own sexual needs. Sometimes it is a relationship problem in the marriage that might cause a man to withdraw into his own sexual fantasies. He can perhaps use porn to rev up his libido. Some men just use this mode for years and the marriage for him does not exist sexually. He may love you "in his way" it is just not going to be a sensual marriage.

There is no sex in many marriages. Many couples no longer share a bedroom. It simply is best not to lie beside a man who makes you feel unwanted and angry. I'm sorry for your pain. It takes some years to get the picture there. It will never get easier to realize you put your eggs in an empty basket. Some of us stay for the love we share in other ways, family, habit or just because time has moved on and there is no tooth fairy.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 7th June 2011 at 05:31 PM.
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Old 7th June 2011, 09:01 AM   #194
Raymond
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Your analysis is good 1okgal but we do not know that for sure yet. Until there is certainty I think we need to be careful. If that is happening then it is on the lines of mental adultery as it almost certainly would involve the fantasising of other women and images. I hope that is not the case.

Another tact is that even with ED men can still enjoy sex. Maybe he feels rejection at not be able to have an erection always baroness. Maybe this is the pressure he feels. Who knows? That he shuts off on questioning about it could indicate that possibly.

Last edited by Raymond; 7th June 2011 at 01:01 PM.
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Old 7th June 2011, 05:48 PM   #195
1aokgal
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Hi Raymond..

I understand men who experience ED can become embarrassed and not wish to discuss this problem. One might avoid getting medical evaluation without a bit of persuasion from a wife. There are physical factors, as diabetes or other illnesses that contribute to such conditions of low libido and ED. All of these factors should be evaluated. A man who shuts the door on these possibilities cheats both parties to see if other conditions contribute to the loss of intimacy.

It seems that there has been a wall drawn in this marriage. A wife is reacting to her feelings while having no idea of why this is happening. There needs to be some intervention with a consultation with a doctor or therapist. If the husband refuses to address the issue than time will pass until resentment kills any hope that things can change. It is very sad and happening more often than we realized from articles I have read on the subject.

There is also the possibility this man feels inferior to his intelligent, capable wife and may be "withholding." That happens when a man
feels only in control of the intimacy and he feels powerless elsewhere. A business loss or change in his circumstances can badly damage self esteem to point he feels diminished in the bedroom. Some men who retire feel very depressed. Some real buildup to his confidence might make this better. That is an emotional issue and a form of depression that can effect the desire for intimacy with his mate. Sometimes there are problems in marriages where a man feels in competition with a woman with power. He may be severely depressed. There are many factors in this problem that both parties must consider. If this husband shuts down than she is a hostage
to his failure to address how this has hurt their relationship.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 7th June 2011 at 06:03 PM.
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