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Old 9th October 2007, 01:52 PM   #1
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advice please

A woman had an 'internet affair' because her husband had neglected her emotional needs (he thought he was fulfilling them and now says he can see where he was going wrong eg. by spending by long hours at work etc).

The woman had emotional problems and drank too much alcohol which had a detrimental affect to a degree on her husband and children.

The woman began to spend longer hours on the computer than before and the man was suspicious of this. The woman denied any problem or wrong doing. The man was still concerned and checked up on the woman, the woman wanted to avoid marital confrontation and denied any 'affair on the internet''.

The man then went and put spy ware on the computer so that any document, web site, email and passwords were recorded.
He showed the woman all the information and she accepted he was upset.

She left the website after some days and ceased the communication with the person.

The man refused to let her continue contact with 5 people she met on the site (4 women and 1 man-friend).
This was not agreed by both of them. the man used the woman's email to email her friends and asked them to give him and the woman space to work on their marriage, this was done without the woman knowing. He informed her after.

Trust has been lost between both the man and woman because of both their actions. Obviously there is too much to put in detail here.

The man after a few weeks said the woman can now email her friends, then he said no she can't, then yes again. He said he would email the people and ask them to commence contact again. He only emailed the man. He had read some of the emails between the man and her male-friend and found them to be platonic as the woman had said. He read in the emails that the male-friend had, had an affair for 7 years but had ended it because he wanted to stay with his wife.

He was not happy with the male-friend's reply to his email, the woman and a neutral friend said that the email was perfectly fine and not offensive. The man emailed again stating that if the male-friend did not inform his own wife that he had a platonic friendship via email with the woman he should not email the woman again.

The woman is not happy and has stated that she wants to continue contact only via email ( and will not contact via telephone or other means).
The man is still refusing point blank unless the male-friend shows that he has informed his wife about the friendship.

This has now reached an impasse between the man and woman:

1. She does not see why she cannot email the male-friend as the woman has offered that the man can have access to the emails if he wishes, and also because the man has already read emails between the woman and male-friend and found them to be platonic.

2. He does not want the woman to communicate with the male-friend because he feels this is a stressor to himself, as the male-friend was made on the site where she had the problem. To manage the stressor to himself he stated that the male-friend has to inform his own wife of his friendship via email with the woman.

Till date the male-friend has not replied to the mans 2nd email which was the email with the condition to the male-friend that if he communicated with the woman before informing his own wife the man would tell the male-friend's wife himself.

It would be greatly appreciated if you would give your own advice or experience to enable them to resolve this impasse.

Thank you
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Old 9th October 2007, 11:13 PM   #2
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Re: advice please

My opinion is that the husband is doing more harm than good here. He has shown complete lack of trust and, instead of giving his wife the emotional support that she clearly needs, has actually undermined her emotionally.

It seems to me that the wife has been seeking to fill an emotional gap in her life and he is trying to prevent that, rather than understanding and trying to help fill that gap himself. To actually propose to interfere in another marriage when he is clearly making a mess of his own relationship is the height of arrogance. I hope he realises his mistake soon enough to correct it.

Things are falling apart - he should be trying to mend and not break.

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