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Old 8th March 2016, 03:25 AM   #1
CaliLove
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Join Date: Mar 2016
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Question husband doesn't find me attractive anymore..

Married now for 6 yrs but together for 10. and he drops this bomb on me. we have been having issues in the bedroom for a few years now and with so many changes happening to us these past few years intimacy has found its way to the back of the pile of crap to deal with. (how he feels on the matter) Where as I am the one who is always the one who needed the intimacy more often. It's odd because when it does actually happen he seems to really love it but now he is saying he just hasn't been attracted to me these past few years and his feelings of lust towards me have diminished. I have been going through a lot emotionally and at a very tiring time in my life, finishing my BA degree and focusing starting my career , being a mother, being the main caretaker and working part time odd jobs to "pinch in" but overall I am still trying to keep my weight off, I've lost 20lbs so far after the baby, I've always been known to be the one to dress up, heels and do my hair and makeup etc etc and i'm always the one who has to initiate physical contact or "loving" actions. Are there any men out there that can give me any inside pers. on what he may be feeling? or if he's plotting his escape and maybe I should count my "blessings" and move on? I am pretty anger about all this and have resorted to having to sleep on the couch every night, and now that I gave it some time to steam off I try to talk about it again but he says he needs to get to bed, or he's just to tired to talk. He's completely avoiding the conversation, I know we need therapy but should we even go through with all the drama the added financial stress and tugging around if he already is checked out? Even if I lose half my body and get double D implants it might bring him back but for how long until he says he's lost interest again? Thank you in advance.
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Old 8th March 2016, 01:57 PM   #2
chosen
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Re: husband doesn't find me attractive anymore..

Oh dear Cali that must be very painful for you. I cant see that you have changed that much in only 6 years since you got married mind you. I wonder if he is using that as an excuse not to have intimacy?
.
Does he look at porn? Men who look at porn will always be disatisfied with their partners because they will physically never be able to compete with the young slim big breasted women they choose for porn films. Some men who masturbate to porn often loose the desire to have sex in a healthy relationship.
I dont think the issue here is you, and you cant forever be having to have operations(which carry such risks) to change your body to keep him interested, I mean you will both get old you will both get wrinkles and grey hair, what then?
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Old 9th March 2016, 11:24 AM   #3
Raymond
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Re: husband doesn't find me attractive anymore..

I would certainly not have a breast job. He married you as you are and marriage should be deeper than that. Doing that makes it like a mickey mouse scenario to me. You are already making yourself attractive, which is good, but a rejection of that must be painful. It has taken years to get my wife to be attractive. She was attractive but the way she dressed you wouldn't know she had a figure and I do enjoy seeing her dress up sometimes. These are not major things. A committment to love her is far more important than those things.

Every man is different and one man's needs are not anothers. If there is a problem in the bedroom this will affect intimacy in the relationship. These things need to be discussed with him in a loving atmosphere. If one is too focussed on getting their own needs met it kind of blocks discussion as the other will have needs as well. There is a balance to be found, give and take if you like.

If he is indulging in pornography (mental adultery) as Chosen points out, then this will seriously affect intimacy as will flirting on the net or outside of it.

The problem might just be normal. ie just hitting a point in marriage where work needs to be done. A lot of marriages can go through this but where both work on it it can usually be solved. It is clear that you are open to working on things but is he?

What do you believe yourself has happened? Does it stem from the bedroom problem or is it a hump just to get over?
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Old 16th March 2016, 12:41 AM   #4
CaliLove
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Re: husband doesn't find me attractive anymore..

Thank you Raymond for taking your time to respond, we have spoken and have discussed therapy and we will commit to seeing a marriage counselor about our issues. Currently it still isn't a pleasant atmosphere, where I do feel extremely hurt by his lack of emotions and lack of romantic interest. He says that he has mentally checked out on me for these past few years because of the negativity I have brought to our marriage, (me threatening to leave if things don't get better, etc, etc,) which I admit I do say sometimes when I am angry and I want to make my message to him clear. I wanted a marriage with love and intimacy and respect, where we both feel loved and not forgotten about. He has become a workaholic and works about 60 hr weeks and travels every month for business. And sometimes he doesn't even call or txt me when he is gone. Of course any woman would be upset or maybe even a little jealous of all the time his career has taken up. Our last "date night" where he actually made a reservation at a restaurant was back in July 2015 and it's now March 2016. He also explains his lack of effort to our romantic life to stem from his resentment towards me and what I said about a divorce, he says he doesn't want to keep investing time and effort into a marriage that may not last for much longer. I hope that counseling will give us some real insight on whether things will change and if he is even invested in us any longer. I am glad to hear that there are actually husbands out there who love their wives the way they are and not just their appearances. It's hard for mothers to try to dress up and look nice but always try to encourage your wife that appearance are important in a relationship and to her personal/mental health. Take her to spa days and have her get her hair done this way she will feel like she should dress up to go with the hair! This is silly to say but I am truly jealous of your wife and other woman who have men like you in their lives! I grew up in a world where we are never good enough, we have to be smart, successful, look like a model, be talented and wealthy or we are pretty much worth less. and it's depressing that now I know that I ended up in a relationship where this in fact is true. But what kind of parents would we be if we both didn't give it a fighting chance. So to therapy we go!
xo CaliLove.
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Old 17th March 2016, 10:39 AM   #5
Raymond
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Re: husband doesn't find me attractive anymore..

It is not wrong to want love and intimacy in a marriage. I think you may have gone wrong though when you threatened to leave the marriage if things didn't improve. That was a threat. This undermines the whole security of a marriage. Good marriage counselors will tell you never to mention the word divorce as it lets in instability in a marriage. Just saying as that clearly stands out to me.

If you are both going to marriage counselling then that is good. He said he does not want to invest in a marriage that might not last. I can't help feeling that your threats of leaving had something to do with that and I hope this can be mended. Both of you need to be comitted to make it work.
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