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Old 4th October 2013, 06:55 PM   #16
Raymond
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Re: Pray for Me Please

I am sure there are those on here who can give you advice on divorces UL. I have never experienced it.

It does look as if he got close to this woman and did the dirty on you. You will heal in time. It is true especially if you are praying to God for His help as He is always a present help in time of need. Once you have accepted the inevitable you will start to heal. The only way is up from then on although it will take time. Try and keep your work going if you can. That will help you.
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Old 4th October 2013, 07:56 PM   #17
chosen
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Re: Pray for Me Please

Could you ask you lawyer about claiming the divorce expenses from your husband? Is there any legal help there for those who are poor?
I am sorry. it is horrible when a marriage ends. Once the divorce is over you can heal and begin to move on.
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Old 4th October 2013, 11:08 PM   #18
Unloved
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Re: Pray for Me Please

Thank you.

I asked my lawyer about my H paying my legal fees but he wasn't optimistic. I believe he thinks it better for me to concentrate on my settlement.

I hope and pray for God to give me the strength to survive this, for my Dad's sake as well as my own.
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Old 6th October 2013, 10:33 AM   #19
Roses
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Re: Pray for Me Please

Hi

I agree with Chosen.

If he wanted a divorce then he should cover the cost.

Do you have any children he needs to continue supporting?

I'm not sure why he tries to keep his home address secret from you. Your lawyer will find the new one soon enough unless he moved abroad.

Have you talked to his affair partner since? Are they still seeing each other?

Take good care of yourself. My renewed thoughts are with you today.
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Old 6th October 2013, 01:17 PM   #20
Unloved
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Re: Pray for Me Please

Thank you.

Roses, we have no children. I will get alimony, but not enough to live on and keep up a house. I don't make a lot of money (lost one of my part time jobs since he left) and it is very hard to find a job that allows me to care for my Dad, do his doctor apts. etc. I feel overwhelmed and helpless.

I only met OW once. I have no idea what he is doing or what is going on with him. He now lives in the opposite direction of his work. Why he moved there I don't know. It doesn't make sense. Instead of moving closer to work he's moved twice as far away. I wonder if it means he's moved in with someone.

I am worried sick about the future and heartbroken and lonely. I don't think I will ever remarry. My trust is broken as well.
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Old 6th October 2013, 04:56 PM   #21
chosen
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Re: Pray for Me Please

Unloved, can you apply for carers allowance? IN the UK you can do this and also qualify for other payments as well.

Don't forget that not all men are the same. My second husband is amazing.
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Old 6th October 2013, 05:13 PM   #22
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Re: Pray for Me Please

Thank you Chosen.

Unfortunately, we have nothing like an allowance for carers. I believe some states do, but where I live there is nothing.

I wish I had hopes for the future but right now I just don't. I no longer live, just exist. Everywhere I go brings back memories. Breaks my heart. I start to cry and just want to come home.
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Old 6th October 2013, 06:28 PM   #23
chosen
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Re: Pray for Me Please

I can understand that totally. After my first marriage ended very suddenly after 23 years, I was devastated. All of the hopes and dreams that I had for our future were washed away in an instant. Suddenly I felt in a thick fog, and I couldnt see anything in my future at all. I HAD no future as far as I was concerned. Like you I just existed day to day, with little money, doing my best to be a good mum to my three hurting children.

It does take time, lots of time. There is life after divorce, there really is, but it wont get better immediately.
Do you have friends and a good church? Do you get to women's groups? Fellowship groups?

IF you look on this website www.drw.org you can see if they have any divorce recovery classes in your area. They are very useful, and will enable you to meet other people going through similar things.
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Old 6th October 2013, 10:21 PM   #24
Unloved
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Re: Pray for Me Please

Thank you again Chosen.

I attended Divorce Care at church but everyone in the group seemed so far ahead of me, I didn't feel comfortable. They were already discussing dating. I have two very good friends and see my counselor. She tells me to take one day at a time.

But I still feel lost and alone. I've had a very bad week end. I am afraid I will get physically ill soon.

Thanks again.
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Old 6th October 2013, 10:46 PM   #25
chosen
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Re: Pray for Me Please

Quote:
Originally Posted by Unloved View Post
Thank you again Chosen.

I attended Divorce Care at church but everyone in the group seemed so far ahead of me, I didn't feel comfortable. They were already discussing dating. I have two very good friends and see my counselor. She tells me to take one day at a time.

But I still feel lost and alone. I've had a very bad week end. I am afraid I will get physically ill soon.

Thanks again.
When I went to the drw near me, I was a year into the separation and I also felt rather behind most of the others. I was still numb with shock and wasn't interested in any socialising which some of them were, but I still found it helpful none the less.
It does vary, because it was 4 years before I felt ready to think of meeting anyone else, yet I met my husband very soon after his marriage broke up and he was ready then. I think it does depend on the circumstances and whether the ending was sudden or slow, how long the marriage was, if there are children, what caused the ending and all sorts of other things.
Men do tend to jump into another relationship very quickly whether they are divorce or bereaved. I know three men whose wives died, who married another woman the following year!!! I could never dream of getting involved so soon if my husband died(if I ever did which I doubt).

I know you feel lonely. It is lonely loosing a spouse no matter through divorce or death.
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Old 7th October 2013, 09:46 AM   #26
Roses
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Re: Pray for Me Please

Quote:
Originally Posted by Unloved View Post
Thank you.

I feel overwhelmed and helpless.

I only met OW once. I have no idea what he is doing or what is going on with him. He now lives in the opposite direction of his work. Why he moved there I don't know. It doesn't make sense. Instead of moving closer to work he's moved twice as far away. I wonder if it means he's moved in with someone.

I am worried sick about the future and heartbroken and lonely. I don't think I will ever remarry. My trust is broken as well.
Hi

I agree..so horrible isn't it? Therapy might be a good idea?

I'd be shocked if your alimony would be a small sum knowing you were with him over 2 decades and you are unable to support yourself being a full-time carer?

I wonder how long his affair has been going on. You might need or want to know if he has moved in with this OW. There's always a possibility that the affair may end badly after a while and he may end up coming back. But will you take him?
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Old 7th October 2013, 10:28 AM   #27
chosen
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Re: Pray for Me Please

Quote:
Originally Posted by Roses View Post
Hi

I agree..so horrible isn't it? Therapy might be a good idea?

I'd be shocked if your alimony would be a small sum knowing you were with him over 2 decades and you are unable to support yourself being a full-time carer?

I wonder how long his affair has been going on. You might need or want to know if he has moved in with this OW. There's always a possibility that the affair may end badly after a while and he may end up coming back. But will you take him?
Trouble is that if the spouse is healthy then its quite rare for the other spouse to have to pay maintenance for them unless they are caring for their children. At least that's in the UK.
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Old 7th October 2013, 01:03 PM   #28
Unloved
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Re: Pray for Me Please

Thank you Chosen and Roses.

I am entitled by law to one third his salary as alimony by law. The problem my parents and I owned our house prior to my marriage. We trusted him and put his name onto the deed (against legal advice). He did pay the mortgage payment while living here, my Dad paid all utilities in return for my helping him. But my H did not consider my caring a job and it wasn't enough for him even after I started working part time. Now he is using his name on the house as a bargaining chip for me to agree to less alimony. I have already agreed to take fifty dollars a week less so I can keep my Dad in his house. Otherwise he can force a sale. I don't want my Dad to end up in a care home.

Even with all this and the heartache I still would want him back if he agreed to marriage counseling. I would try. But everyone tells me it would be a mistake. And I don't see it happening. He is pushing to hurry the divorce and never contacts me to see how I or my Dad are making out. My Dad treated him like a son. He never even said goodbye to my Dad. I don't think he could face him.


I had a bad night. I cried and prayed for God to help me with my pain and depression.

Thank you again.
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Old 7th October 2013, 03:10 PM   #29
chosen
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Re: Pray for Me Please

Quote:
Originally Posted by Unloved View Post
Thank you Chosen and Roses.

I am entitled by law to one third his salary as alimony by law. The problem my parents and I owned our house prior to my marriage. We trusted him and put his name onto the deed (against legal advice). He did pay the mortgage payment while living here, my Dad paid all utilities in return for my helping him. But my H did not consider my caring a job and it wasn't enough for him even after I started working part time. Now he is using his name on the house as a bargaining chip for me to agree to less alimony. I have already agreed to take fifty dollars a week less so I can keep my Dad in his house. Otherwise he can force a sale. I don't want my Dad to end up in a care home.

Even with all this and the heartache I still would want him back if he agreed to marriage counseling. I would try. But everyone tells me it would be a mistake. And I don't see it happening. He is pushing to hurry the divorce and never contacts me to see how I or my Dad are making out. My Dad treated him like a son. He never even said goodbye to my Dad. I don't think he could face him.


I had a bad night. I cried and prayed for God to help me with my pain and depression.

Thank you again.
So its your dads house and still your husband can make you sell?
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Old 7th October 2013, 04:32 PM   #30
Unloved
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Re: Pray for Me Please

Yes, because we trusted him and put his name on it. So he would feel accepted and know we trusted him. When we changed the deed to include him the lawyer warned us not to.

At the end of the day, it probably wouldn't have mattered as we have been married 23 years he would probably been entitled to his share anyway.

So my Dad has been put into this situation at 90 years old, to fear being put on the street.

I feel partly responsible.
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