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Old 28th August 2011, 05:06 PM   #46
1aokgal
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Re: Married and lonely

I wonder what part the profession has to do with some of the problems. There seems a relaxed moral position in some cases because of the traumatic nature of problems these people handle. Being on the scene with murders, suicides, prostitutes and crime is a lot of street material for a person to handle emotionally in their own lives.

We have two policeman in my family, including my daughter. I hate to think of some scenes she has seen first hand. There has to be some emotional space that protects the psyches of first reponders who get exposed to terrible things.
I know divorce is very high in this profession as maybe they become emotionally frozen.

If there is counselling available and he would go, that might give you some answers as to whether this marriage can be saved. People in this profession are trained to insulate their emotions. The porn issue with a man can destroy normal intimacy and builds a wall of secrecy. We just begin to understand how devastating this can be to marriages. There is software that can track a computer and the sites visited from an internet place. Do you think there might be someone else?


I hope you have strong family network during this time.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 28th August 2011 at 05:18 PM.
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Old 28th August 2011, 06:43 PM   #47
chosen
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Re: Married and lonely

I know a lady who went out with a policeman who had been divorced three times. Fortunatly they didnt marry, even though she wanted to, as I suspect they would have been divorced by now. Mind you he had had a desk job for many years so wasnt on the street. Mind you I also know 2 policeman who have long and happy marriages, so it does vary.
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Old 28th August 2011, 08:14 PM   #48
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Re: Married and lonely

Well, it goes as you would say it, Chosen. A man with firm moral foundation is not going to change from exposure of other elements around him or in his job. A rock doesn't erode. The difference is what are the basic teachings and life of the man and his beliefs.
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Old 1st September 2011, 07:44 AM   #49
Shasha
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Re: Married and lonely

Hiya,
Because of my husband's pride and ignorance, he refuses to do anything about his porn issue and would not want to go for counselling, as he does not see what he is doing is wrong. It is his pride that is crippling and destroying him and causing him to be in denial of any wrong-doing.
It is difficult to reach somebody who has built up an iron gate around themselves.
God bless.
Sha
__________________
"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son,
That whoever believes in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life."

"For God did not send His son into the world to condemn the world,
But that the world through Him
might be saved." JN 3:16,17

Grace be with you all.
God bless!
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Old 1st September 2011, 08:34 AM   #50
Raymond
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Re: Married and lonely

That is sad Sasha but God is still on the throne and will be answering your prayers although not overriding you husbands freewill. Nevertheless in His mercy He can make it pretty hot for him if you pray and who knows if he will repent or not. You have surely been praying already.

It is nice to hear from you again. This is such a common problem these days and there is a flood of it happening. It amazes me that he does not even think it is wrong if he is a christian. It has no place in marriage.
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Old 1st September 2011, 10:16 AM   #51
chosen
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Re: Married and lonely

I suspect that he does know it is wrong, after all Jesus Himself said that looking at a woman wiht lust is like committing adultery, and what is porn if not looking at women with lust? However he isnt obeying God, and He is putting the porn before you and God. You cant force him to stop, but whether you stay with a man who does this and isnt prepared to stop, is another matter.
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Old 1st September 2011, 12:42 PM   #52
Raymond
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Re: Married and lonely

That is the big question Chosen judging from past threads.
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Old 2nd September 2011, 11:47 AM   #53
Shasha
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Re: Married and lonely

Hi Guys,
I have just returned from my holidays, where we had taken a short break to go to the adventure park.
It was a disaster from my point of view, although my son enjoyed himself, as he was with his other friend throughout the trip. His friend's mother came along with us, with her son. So the boys had a ball, but I did not, obviously, as there was utterly no connection between me and my h.
He completely ignored me throughout the trip and only spoke to me occasionally.
It seems, I was just tagging along, as he spoke most of the time to the other mother than with me. I only went along to make my son happy, but the trip, where my h and I are concerned, was fruitless and the relationship is as dead as a door nail!
It is obvious that the marriage is completely dead and our friend asked that question (if we were going to patch things up), when she saw the tension between the two of us. I told her, in front of him, that it was finished, but he did not utter a word, nor replied to my comment.
So, on that note, it is clear that he does not want to do anything about his lifestyle, let alone, try to do his best to win me back.
God bless.
Shasha
__________________
"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son,
That whoever believes in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life."

"For God did not send His son into the world to condemn the world,
But that the world through Him
might be saved." JN 3:16,17

Grace be with you all.
God bless!
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Old 2nd September 2011, 01:05 PM   #54
Raymond
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Re: Married and lonely

Your friend doesn't know what we know Sasha. There was a similar case on this part of the forum where a christian woman had a husband who persisted with the porn. Eventually she cut loose and started a new life. I'll have to find it to see if she said how she had got on since then.

It is one thing to have a weakness that you are fighting and trying to get the victory over and quite another to persist in it to the detriment of your marriage.

These things are being worked out in our day as it is quite a new problem historically speaking, hence there are not clear paths as to the mode of action to take. With adultery it is obvious but this kind of stuff still hasn't been mapped out. My own view as you know is that it is mental adultery and hence comes under the heading of immorality and therefore can be grounds for divorce in my view, but obviously you have to work these things out for yourself.

You have financial considerations as well as your child to consider but this thing is obviously affecting your marriage deeply. Anyone with a full commitment to their wife would not indulge in this stuff. As a christian you will know what lies behind it and who it is who seeks to steal, kill and destroy so in a sense the problem is spiritual as well.

What do you think God is saying to you just now?
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Old 2nd September 2011, 06:34 PM   #55
1aokgal
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Re: Married and lonely

Dear Sasha..

I'm curious why you brought all that animosity on this trip, like your carryall bag waiting to explode. You told your husband when the friend was surprised at such tension (on a trip that should have been fun..she asked if you could patch it up. So you said in front of of him....."it was dead". That was just like a nasty slap in the face to the man, who made an effort, to take his family for a nice day.
If he did not engage in much conversation with you it is because obviously your sour face showed your feelings. He went for his son' sake. Obviously he loves the boy to do that for him. He made conversation with the friend. That is, until you brought your confrontation there, where it didn't belong!

Sasha, what did you expect him to say or do? That remark must have been very embarassing for him (and especially to the friend.) Rather spiteful conduct, Sasha. What did you get out of that moment?

I agree this marriage is dead. You are just floating along until you can do better. Many men would take their paychecks ...and leave. I suggest you best curb your antagonism until you have your bags packed and can make your own way! Sorry, I see no Christian effort on your part to make this marriage better to even coexist. I feel sorry for you both when you so waste life. I am sure your son picks up on your ill concealed dislike. That climate in the home will effect the decisions he will make in his life in the future.

For instance..things might go this way after such a day....Wife to husband, "Thanks for taking us on this nice day. I had a great time and I know Johnny did too. It would be so nice if we could do more outings like this." Smile. Can you see why things could not go that way?
This man gets no "attaboy" for the effort made. Why should he make an effort? That was like taking a trip with a frozen pie. Sorry, you don't get my vote for your effort to improve....even being civil here. If I were this man..I would leave..take the paycheck and leave. I guess that would be a problem for you?
I see things a bit differently perhaps. I see your dependency on him and he still does things for his family, in spite of your dislike.
PS You owe the man an apology for your inappropriate response to the friends' question on this trip. Yes, do get some counselling before this marriage blows up in your face before you plan it. You might end up in a shelter without his help.

I also wonder what you label as porn? I remember some thought Playboy magazine was porn, but it was widely read by educated people. World famous writers contibuted political and editorial content. It wasn't my choice of reading, but the magazine was part of our social tapestry for tasteful nudes and commentary. Most men like such reading and I don't label it that as hard porn. Neither are the nude paintings, sculptors in the museums considered porn.

Did you ever love this man?
You said in your post you consider your husband a complete idiot. I guess the answer to that question would be "no."
Isn't there a way you can rush along on your training so he can be free?

Last edited by 1aokgal; 3rd September 2011 at 06:53 AM.
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Old 2nd September 2011, 10:14 PM   #56
chosen
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Re: Married and lonely

playboy isnt porn? Of course it is, thats what is is made for. The fact that 'educated' men look at it makes no difference, and just shows that men of all types look at porn. In fact it actually shows that they are not very 'educated' after all.
It may be what is called 'soft' porn compared to the awful things that are available on the ineternet, but it is still naked women in provocative poses that men look at to lust over.
Totally against Gods instruction not to lust over other women.
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Old 2nd September 2011, 10:42 PM   #57
1aokgal
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Re: Married and lonely

Please..don't presume to think you have the straight channel to God's thoughts or intent! Are the statues of nude men and women in the museum art or porn? Shall we rush off to Florence and paint clothing on the statues of beautiful women and handsome men? Shall my art group not hire a model to pose semi-nude, as this is porn? Shall we go through the bible and rip out pages that are "adult?

There is nothing wrong with an appreciation for the female nude body, as it is beautiful. The statue of "David" is beautiful as well. Real Porn is voyeurism for salcious intent. I doubt most who buy the the Playboy mags and read it cover to cover, use it for salacious reasons. Actually they are quite tame next to real porn.

You are so far extreme you must go through life wearing blinders!
Let us say we disagree completely on most issues.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 2nd September 2011 at 11:00 PM.
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Old 2nd September 2011, 11:35 PM   #58
chosen
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Re: Married and lonely

Playboy is printed because it is full of images of naked women in very provocative poses. Men dont buy playboy for the articles. If they want articles, there are hundreds of mags with no naked women in them. Before the internet and videos and dvds etc, this was the only real porn that men had access to and many men had piles of these mags hidden their houses.(I knew some of them).

Far from having blinkers, I have seen too much rubbish in the world, and am well aware of what porn is, and what it does to people who look at it and what it does to marriages. Mans mags such as this are porn. Thats why they sell so well, so that men can lust after women, and often many often masturbate to them as well.

Come on now, why do you think that the man who started playboy is a billonaire and lives an appallingly sinful lifestyle? Porn is evil through and through. There is nothing good about it.

If obeying God, and sticking to what the Blble says is extreem, then yes I am. As are millions of others.

Matthew 5v28
But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart .

As for drawing naked people, thats something that I woudnt do. With clothes on yes, without no. We dont need to draw naked people. My daughter has been going to life drawing, they had models who were covered up. The only man who I want to see see naked is my husband. I dont want to see other man naked, it isnt appriopriate.

Porn is porn, and if some seems less depraved than others, thats only because standards have gone down and down in recent times. Porn mags are porn mags, and I think you will find that men will agree. Take the pictures out and leave the articles, and see how many you sell.

Last edited by chosen; 2nd September 2011 at 11:48 PM.
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Old 3rd September 2011, 12:04 AM   #59
1aokgal
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Re: Married and lonely

The founder of the this magazine is a billionaire and lives a nasty lifestyle.

The magazine with articles and photos of beautiful women should be available to be read by either sex. There are articles, there is appreciation of the human body as God made it, and there is no reason this would be considered hard porn. The harm is not in the photos of beautiful young womens' bodies. If a man will masturbate, he can do it looking at an orange. That's a personal choice.

Of course, art is in the appreciation of the body. Why do you think artists study anatomy for years so the lifelike portraits and drawing are true in form! Artists replicate and perfect the human form in artforms in which they work from paintings to scupture.

Says you, "We don't need to draw naked people." HAHA. You are too funny! Prestigious art schools worldwide devote a major part of the curriculum to figure studies. (Not done under a sheet!)

Shall we tear down the images in the Sistine Chapel as there are nude bodies in the paintings?
There are religions that forbid music and dance as well. Pretty extemist views.

Next you and your ilk will make decisions about what educated people should read and which books should be burned. Use care with your policing of literature, books and magazines lest you become a fantatic others avoid. The bible urges no fanatic citicism of art in drawing or painting the nude human body or in that our society has the right to police what others will buy and read.

The discussion wasn't about Playboy magazine or another. PB is categorized as a mild soft porn. There are hard core magazines out there. Anyone can tell the difference and intent of these mags by opening the pages. We don't need to discuss the merits of magazine here.

My question was to Sasha to see what constitutes her husbands porn issues. Whether this is the use of internet sites or how she uncovered this.
BTW...You did not answer my question. Shall we tear adult content from the bible?

Last edited by 1aokgal; 3rd September 2011 at 03:02 AM.
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Old 3rd September 2011, 01:19 AM   #60
Forever
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Re: Married and lonely

Chosen,
I think there is a fine line between "porn" and Art. Art (really good art) is generally not produced with the intent to generate a provocative (obvious sexual) response....the human body can be depicted very beautifully and innocenty without being sexually suggestive....just like clothing women choose to wear in public.

Playboy is definately now considered "soft" porn by both men and women alike...compared to what is now being floated "out there". Any articles of interest written for Playboy (and far better ones) can be read online w/o the need for viewing naked women posing in provocative positions which produce sexual arousal in the "average" man....I doubt Sistines Chapel, or Dante's Infernal would qualify as being suggestive or provocative art.

I think you are right...sales would drop like lead were it not for the suggestively posed naked women in it....but if they put the latest electronics or tools in it instead, it might hold it's own in terms of sales...if not, you would have proven your point to those who are in "denial". The very name of it suggests something doesn't it?

That's my take on it.

Last edited by Forever; 3rd September 2011 at 01:38 AM.
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