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Old 6th October 2013, 03:32 AM   #16
abc
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Re: Marriage to a wife or Mother in law?

I've read countless stories of controlling mother-inlaws and how it ruins marriages. They say better the devil you know than an angel you don't. Sadly the angel in this saying is my wife.

I don't really care about the mother as I didn't marry her, her talks and be-littling can go in one ear and out the other but what's really destroy us is my wife.

Moving away is not an option at this stage but can be if the reason is for the kid's schooling. That's not till a few years down the track.

I'm preparing myself mentally should the time come when my wife has to decide between me and her mother. I really cannot see how my kid can grow up in this stressful and devisive environment.

All the people at our church sees my situation and they would stay clear of us, I got no one to turn to accept for God.
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Old 6th October 2013, 03:37 AM   #17
abc
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Re: Marriage to a wife or Mother in law?

Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen View Post
If she wants the marriage to work she needs to go to counselling with you and learn what it means to be a wife, to leave her parents and put you first.
Is there a trusted mature Christian couple in your church who you can both go to?
Well she want the marriage to work but it has to be under her mother's ideals.

I cannot think of an atom of one reason why she has not matured being the age of 36. Do I now believe in brainwashing of the mind (by her mother)?

She would be too stuck-up to even go out to the mall with me. Getting her to go see anyone or go to councelling i'd have more chances in winning the lottery.
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Old 6th October 2013, 09:22 AM   #18
Raymond
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Re: Marriage to a wife or Mother in law?

She is under control by her mother abc. This is a well known phenomenon. It would have started as a child and your wife doesn't probably realise it herself. It comes in very subtle ways a sample of which is "If you really loved me you would do this this and this". It is very hard for a child to resist that as they rely on love from a mother. When the child gets married the mother doesn't really let her go and the control continues. Are you allowed to paint the walls what colour you like or is it a matter of what does mother think? In lots of little ways mother will still be controlling. There are grown men who feel they have to ring their mother every night wherever they are in the world. It is very subtle.

The only way out of this is a real desire for independence from your wife which I don't think is there. Apart from that I would learn everything about it so that you can pray that her eyes are opened. Derek Prince has written some good stuff on this. Just google "control manipulation Derek Prince" and you will get a sample I am sure.
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Old 6th October 2013, 11:08 AM   #19
chosen
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Re: Marriage to a wife or Mother in law?

Quote:
Originally Posted by abc View Post
I've read countless stories of controlling mother-inlaws and how it ruins marriages. They say better the devil you know than an angel you don't. Sadly the angel in this saying is my wife.

I don't really care about the mother as I didn't marry her, her talks and be-littling can go in one ear and out the other but what's really destroy us is my wife.

Moving away is not an option at this stage but can be if the reason is for the kid's schooling. That's not till a few years down the track.

I'm preparing myself mentally should the time come when my wife has to decide between me and her mother. I really cannot see how my kid can grow up in this stressful and devisive environment.

All the people at our church sees my situation and they would stay clear of us, I got no one to turn to accept for God.
Well if your church family wouldnt help you or support you, then they are not much of a church family. I can think of several couples in my church who I could go to with family problems.
Maybe you need to think of finding a more friendly open supportive church.

Trouble is even if she did leave you, they will probably all try and control your child as well. That the sad fact.
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Old 6th October 2013, 11:10 AM   #20
chosen
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Re: Marriage to a wife or Mother in law?

Quote:
Originally Posted by abc View Post
Well she want the marriage to work but it has to be under her mother's ideals.

I cannot think of an atom of one reason why she has not matured being the age of 36. Do I now believe in brainwashing of the mind (by her mother)?

She would be too stuck-up to even go out to the mall with me. Getting her to go see anyone or go to councelling i'd have more chances in winning the lottery.
People who are under their parents control struggle to mature emotionally She probably never will unless she is separated from them.
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Old 7th October 2013, 12:47 AM   #21
abc
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Re: Marriage to a wife or Mother in law?

Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen View Post
Well if your church family wouldnt help you or support you, then they are not much of a church family. I can think of several couples in my church who I could go to with family problems.
Maybe you need to think of finding a more friendly open supportive church.

Trouble is even if she did leave you, they will probably all try and control your child as well. That the sad fact.
What is help? going to talk to the parents about how they need to cut the apron's string? No controlling parents in any culture let along a Vietnamese one would listen. Living in a western society yet holding onto old eastern tradition views nuff said.

The simple fact is no one in our church likes her mum. The mother lectures everyone at church (from young to old) on how to live their lives (from cooking, washing to telling other wifes how to treat husbands).

True that it's too easy for me to leave, but that means leaving the kid in the hands of a mother who doesn't know how to be a mum, and a mother inlaw who controls everyone no less than a dictator would. The kid will grow up even more broken (with a broken family + clueless mum + dictator-like grandma).

I'm the husband and I should have to put up with this crap. I should have walked a long time.
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Old 8th October 2013, 10:52 AM   #22
chosen
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Re: Marriage to a wife or Mother in law?

The pastor in that church is failing in his duty not challenging this woman and her bad behaviour.
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Old 12th October 2013, 06:30 PM   #23
Roses
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Re: Marriage to a wife or Mother in law?

Quote:
Originally Posted by abc View Post
True that it's too easy for me to leave, but that means leaving the kid in the hands of a mother who doesn't know how to be a mum, and a mother inlaw who controls everyone no less than a dictator would. The kid will grow up even more broken (with a broken family + clueless mum + dictator-like grandma).

I'm the husband and I should have to put up with this crap. I should have walked a long time.
Hi

Are you both Vietnamese? Or are you from the West and your wife from the East?

I have known some Vietnamese people and they are all lovely. In law problems are very common sadly no matter what culture you are coming from....
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Old 20th October 2013, 12:48 AM   #24
abc
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Re: Marriage to a wife or Mother in law?

Both sides are Viets. I put it down to the traditional belief that children are to honour their parents. This is not your simple respect and love, it's a religion.

Being a Christian I don't believe in karma, but God is fair and he sees all things right and wrong. I know our kid will grow up and his wife will treat my wife the same as how my wife treats me ... with utter disrespect.
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Old 20th October 2013, 12:19 PM   #25
Roses
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Re: Marriage to a wife or Mother in law?

Hi

Thank you for the further info.

Just let you know that I read what you said.

Hope things will improve soon for you.

Take care.
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Old 23rd October 2013, 12:58 PM   #26
Raymond
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Re: Marriage to a wife or Mother in law?

Honouring your parents does not mean you enable the control. That is not honouring one's parents. That is a cover up. In this case that phrase honouring your parents is being misused. Yes one should honour one's parents but that is a far cry from being controlled by them. She needs to honour her parents but have a mind of her own as well. She is to cleave to you not her parents. Your wife needs to get a release from this stuff. It is not healthy.
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