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Old 17th August 2009, 09:45 AM   #1
Dave
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Post Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS

Just occasionally an article comes up that really causes us to stop and think.

If your partner has just said those "I don't love you any more" words, read this article and reflect on your next move.

Dave
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Old 17th August 2009, 12:28 PM   #2
RayCub
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Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS

Could've used this article six months ago.

Sad to know it's too late now.
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Old 17th August 2009, 01:14 PM   #3
Raymond
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Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS

That's a very good article Dave and makes a lot of sense. It must have taken a lot of faith for her to carry it through.

Raymond
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Old 17th August 2009, 01:38 PM   #4
georgie
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Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS

I did not have the emotional maturity when I heard 'the speach' to react in this way, I responded like a wounded child, and am still trying to grow beyond that. I can relate more and more to the adage that 'youth is wasted on the young'. My STBX had his mid life crisis meltdown and I guess it triggered a mid life crisis response in me, I think my pride and fear of abandonment ironically helped drive in the wedge; of course there was another woman involved, so I did not have his full attention, I don't think he would have registered the responses this lady gave her husband, my H's mind was already elsewhere. It was food for thought though, I'm going back and forward as to how I feel about it to be honest. I'm glad it worked out for them, I hope it helps others too.
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Old 17th August 2009, 10:10 PM   #5
crush
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Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS

I have to agree with Georgie, mine also had his attentions elsewhere, and even if I had tried to prevent him leaving it would have done absolutely no good. He was going no matter what. The article is endearing in so much as she was willing to sacrifice her pride and dignity in being allowed to be treated in such a way. I admit yes he had a problem but what of her life. Yes it worked out and I am very glad but it must take a very patient and understanding person to allow that treatment for so long.

When my h said it to me I felt anger and so much hurt and felt I was worth more, much more and to be treated in such a way has to be questioned. Would he have stood by her in the same circumstances I wonder.
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Old 18th August 2009, 12:55 PM   #6
Raymond
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Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS

Obviously the approach fitted her scenario perfectly in the fact that it was his problem that he said he didn't love her anymore etc. Sometimes people can perceive relationships through their problems which are personal to them and not particularly the others problem. Her faith and patience worked out for her.

Where you get adultery or unfaithfulness though that approach will not help as that will cut right into the intimacy of the marriage. One cannot help being affected if that happens. Crossing that line changes the whole scenario.

Raymond
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Old 18th August 2009, 02:51 PM   #7
arcos
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Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS

nice read....

but what happens if things don't work out that way? what then?

i would consider that this reflects in a way some of the efforts I made, some of the things in the article are very similar, although very different.

what happens when you fail?

i would suggest that, in some way, you actually feel worse than had you just let him/her go.

dare i forward this to 'her'? dare i risk more ridicule, more laughter at my expense, more spite?
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Old 18th August 2009, 07:22 PM   #8
Raymond
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Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS

Nothing ventured nothing gained. Similar in a way to Fireproof. There are no guarantees but you have to risk it and try. A lot of times life rewards those who have the faith and the will to do the right thing. As I said if it is adultery or unfaithfulness it is a different ball game. Those are the things that lead to serious breakdown.

Raymond
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Old 19th August 2009, 08:48 PM   #9
MSC71
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Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS

That is similar to what happened with me. My wife told me the same thing "I don't love you" and after a few days of whining and begging I did alot of the things that women did. I had Faith that it would work out and instead of arguing, begging etc. I just started doing. Carrying on like a happy camper. Started making dinner and telling my wife she was welcome to eat with us at first. Lots of little things but she eventually started talking about the future too. Then one day she called me from work saying she had a revelation and that she did love me and she did need me.

Our marriage was very similar to Fireproof also. Not everything but I was a lot like the husband in the movie.
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Old 12th December 2013, 06:03 PM   #10
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Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS

Quote:
Originally Posted by Raymond View Post
Obviously the approach fitted her scenario perfectly in the fact that it was his problem that he said he didn't love her anymore etc. Sometimes people can perceive relationships through their problems which are personal to them and not particularly the others problem. Her faith and patience worked out for her.

Where you get adultery or unfaithfulness though that approach will not help as that will cut right into the intimacy of the marriage. One cannot help being affected if that happens. Crossing that line changes the whole scenario.

Raymond
I totally agree Raymond. Once that happens the knife is buried deep into the heart. It is ver difficultto cope with that. I don't think that there is a mature way of handling that. Everyone reacts differently but at one stage there will be anger and resentment ehich is part of the 5 stages of grieving.

Sadly this happens very often and the more often it happens to you the more you lose trust in a relationship. This is a shame as it means that we end up placing people into the same basket. I truly believe that other people can change a person for the better or worse. Sadly it is mostly for the worse. Eventually the offender leaves and the victim is left to fight fo stay alive. The offender never gets punished and they always think that they have done nothing wrong.

I am glad it worked for her but that is a chance in a million.
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Old 12th December 2013, 08:20 PM   #11
chosen
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Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS

Quote:
Originally Posted by pmsc69 View Post
I totally agree Raymond. Once that happens the knife is buried deep into the heart. It is ver difficultto cope with that. I don't think that there is a mature way of handling that. Everyone reacts differently but at one stage there will be anger and resentment ehich is part of the 5 stages of grieving.

Sadly this happens very often and the more often it happens to you the more you lose trust in a relationship. This is a shame as it means that we end up placing people into the same basket. I truly believe that other people can change a person for the better or worse. Sadly it is mostly for the worse. Eventually the offender leaves and the victim is left to fight fo stay alive. The offender never gets punished and they always think that they have done nothing wrong.

I am glad it worked for her but that is a chance in a million.
Well we all reap what we sow, so anyone who hurts and damages others doesn't get away with it in the long run.
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Old 12th December 2013, 08:41 PM   #12
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Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS

Quote:
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Well we all reap what we sow, so anyone who hurts and damages others doesn't get away with it in the long run.
You are right chosen. We all meet our match and if we push our match too far then we can get burnt. Gladly I can say that not everyone is lkke that. But those who do do harm to ohers and get away with it will never learn. Only those who get hurt back in return realise what harm they have caused others. Hopefully they will remember it and not do it again.
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Old 31st December 2013, 05:55 PM   #13
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Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS

Quote:
Originally Posted by pmsc69 View Post

Sadly this happens very often and the more often it happens to you the more you lose trust in a relationship. I truly believe that other people can change a person for the better or worse. Sadly it is mostly for the worse. Eventually the offender leaves and the victim is left to fight fo stay alive. The offender never gets punished and they always think that they have done nothing wrong.

I am glad it worked for her but that is a chance in a million.
That's probably true.

I often wondered if there was some form of infidelity (be it PA/EA) involved. It is slightly odd that her husband declares his departure to his wife, to simply go off on his own? Wondered if her husband was involved in someone else e.g. mistress etc.
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Old 26th January 2010, 10:31 AM   #14
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Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS

It's so hard when you hear such words. I've heard them recently and am still recovering.

At some point to survive and not cause damage to yourself and others (as I'm doing) you must resort to higer values that transcend single human life: faith in God and belief that it all will makes sense and that you'll understand the sense one day is the daddy of all comforts. If you don't have that, try philosopy, art.

I'm dealing with a break-up and my (formally still, but in fact former) wife and decided to start a blog. Check it out if you like:

http://meshehim.blogspot.com
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Old 21st February 2010, 09:11 PM   #15
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Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS

That article is very interesting, I may try to give it a go myself. My husband told me he didnt love me last week but we are still living in the same house (although he is trying to get me to move out, cant be him because of issues with the tennancy agreement we have). I know (or am 99% sure) that there is no one else involved as he very rarely goes out on his own (unless he has met someone on facebook etc...). I have been putting off getting the wheels in motion so far and trying to act like nothing has happened although i have moments when i have had arguements with him, tears etc, when i feel there is no hope in him changing his mind. I may just try to keep the 'happy' act up as long as i can. Will let you know how i get on

Last edited by kazzieb; 21st February 2010 at 09:18 PM.
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