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Old 25th August 2010, 06:55 PM   #1
Annie
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Big Mistake

I was in a relationship with a guy I met through mutual friends, they assured me that his marriage was over but they were still living in the same house while trying to sort out their finances (he told me they had lots of debt) I foolishly accepted what I was told and fell hopelessly in love. I eventually saw some pictures on his wifes facebook page which showed that they were most definitely a couple...I was devastated and immediately ended things. I have previously suffered from depression and was struck by a severe bout of this again. We did have occasional contact but he insisted that we had never been more than "friends", so once again I stopped all contact. I have now told his wife all that had happened, he then said it had been a brief fling, she called me today and i gave her further details. I know I have now burnt my bridges with this guy and I feel desperately sorry for his wife and what I have done, I honestly would never have got involved if I had known the truth from the start. Have I done the right thing? I feel so low again, and guilt at how his wife must be feeling.
Ann

Last edited by Annie; 27th August 2010 at 05:33 PM.
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Old 25th August 2010, 07:10 PM   #2
UpandDown
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Re: Big Mistake

Hi Ann

I'm really sorry this has happened to you. Unfortunately some people can be amazingly good liers and it is so easy to get sucked in - So Alone will back me on this one!!

In my opinion you have definitely done the right thing. I'm sorry about your depression but actually in this situation you have acted with integrity and that's all you can do.

You should feel no guilt about how his wife is feeling - that's not your job. You don't have responsibility for that.

The main thing for you to do now is to cut all contact with him (and his wife) and allow everyone to move on in their own lives however they chose to proceed.

You might want to reconsider your friendship with your mutual friends too. You sound like a great lady. Just try and put this behind you and get on with your life.

Wiggle recommended me this great book called "Getting Past Your Breakup" and it is brilliant. I thoroughly recommend it for a practical guide to moving on from difficult situations.

I hope this has helped you feel a smidge better.

Love Kathryn
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Old 25th August 2010, 07:17 PM   #3
Annie
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Re: Big Mistake

Thank you so much for your reply, I know deep down I did the right thing but I feel so bad. I have not spoken to the 2 so called friends since I found out. I hope now that this will draw a line under the whole thing for me and I can move on.
Ann
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Old 25th August 2010, 07:38 PM   #4
Mocamps
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Re: Big Mistake

Hi Ann,

I don't think you should feel bad about telling his wife. I think you have probably done her a favour. When I found out about my husband he had been unfaithful to me for over 20 years. I also found out that a few so called friends had known about it and I felt so stupid. I so wished that someone had told me early on as it would have saved so much heartache. Also, even after I found out, my husband had real problems with coming clean and telling me the whole truth. I contacted some of the women and amazingly they covered for him at first. I really appreciated it when one of the women eventually told me the whole truth as this was the beginning of our recovery.

Although a lot of people say that they wish they had not found out, I think that it is better in the long run - whether or not the relationship survives. My husband thought that what I didn't know couldn't hurt me. How wrong he was!! When I look back over the years I can see that we had loads of problems as a direct result of his affairs - even though I didn't know that was what was causing them at the time.

So, I think you have done them both a favour even though they may not realize it at the moment. Well done!!
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Old 25th August 2010, 08:19 PM   #5
Annie
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Re: Big Mistake

so why am I so upset...maybe I thought that she'd throw him out and he'd come running to me...but then he'd be cheating on me eventually, they had only been married for 4 years! Wish I could find a nice decent guy after all the cr@p I ve put up with over the years, I really loved him and just cant seem to get over it
xx
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Old 25th August 2010, 08:40 PM   #6
chosen
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Re: Big Mistake

I expect you loved the man that you thought he was, and not the cheating decieving man that he actually is.If he cant be faithful for 4 years there wouldnt have been much hope for you and him anyway.Goodness knows why these so called friends told you what they did, it seems strange.
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Old 25th August 2010, 08:54 PM   #7
Helen_uk
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Re: Big Mistake

Of course you're upset . You fell for this man in good faith .

We put trust in people and when they prove untrustworthy it hurts.

In time you'll see you had a very lucky escape , if he can cheat on his wife after 4 years he's not exactly showing himself to be worth your love or your trust and he would no doubt have cheated on you too.

After splitting from my ex I dated a few men I met online and I think I've heard every excuse under the sun , but the guy I'm with now ( who I also met online ) is lovely and very open and honest .

Don't feel bad, you did nothing wrong and suffering with depression always enhances feelings of being in the wrong because you are already at a low point.

If I were you I'd chalk it down to experience, take some time out to lick your wounds and then find someone deserving of you , don't give him any more space in your thoughts . He doesn't deserve them.

Hugs

Helen
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Old 25th August 2010, 09:15 PM   #8
Annie
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Re: Big Mistake

Thank you all so much, I know what you're saying is right & I know I deserve better.... its just so hard at the min
thank you
Ann
xx
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Old 25th August 2010, 09:52 PM   #9
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Re: Big Mistake

Hi Ann,

I can't really add a lot to what's already been said but just to say I agree with everyone. He sounds like a worm and I think you've probably done his wife a favour by letting her know. You've got nothing to feel guilty for; he was very much the instigator of all of this with his friends 'aiding and abetting'.

It hurts, and the depression won't help but you will find a decent man who will think himself lucky to have you.

Axx
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Old 26th August 2010, 08:08 PM   #10
Annie
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Re: Big Mistake

thank you to everyone who has replied. She came to see me today, she found my address on 192.com. it was one of the worst experiences of my life, she wanted dates, times, places lots of detail, it was horrendous. She did nt cry til we were on the way home, I offered her a lift, we were at the side of the road sobbing. He is such a liar and she is heartbroken and I feel like its all my fault, I ve not been able to stop crying since i got home. I have ruined this poor womans life by telling her and I can feel myself slipping into that dark pit again. I WONT LET HIM do this to me again tho. I wish i had never said anything. I m even less sure now that I did the right thing, maybe ignorance really is bliss. She left her jacket and one of our mutual "friends" is going to pick it up, I have left it in a bag at the door cos I dont want to see him. I feel such a fool so God knows what is going through her head.
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Old 26th August 2010, 09:56 PM   #11
chosen
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Re: Big Mistake

Quote:
Originally Posted by Annie View Post
thank you to everyone who has replied. She came to see me today, she found my address on 192.com. it was one of the worst experiences of my life, she wanted dates, times, places lots of detail, it was horrendous. She did nt cry til we were on the way home, I offered her a lift, we were at the side of the road sobbing. He is such a liar and she is heartbroken and I feel like its all my fault, I ve not been able to stop crying since i got home. I have ruined this poor womans life by telling her and I can feel myself slipping into that dark pit again. I WONT LET HIM do this to me again tho. I wish i had never said anything. I m even less sure now that I did the right thing, maybe ignorance really is bliss. She left her jacket and one of our mutual "friends" is going to pick it up, I have left it in a bag at the door cos I dont want to see him. I feel such a fool so God knows what is going through her head.
You didnt ruin her life, HE did,and these so called friends did. Even though she is desperately upset, it is far better that she knows what her husband is like so that she can decide what to do now. Ignorance isnt bliss, its better to know the truth rather then be kept in the dark about your own husband.
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Old 26th August 2010, 10:11 PM   #12
UpandDown
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Re: Big Mistake

Ann don't get sucked into this. YOU didn't upset her, HE did.

That's all there is to it.

I know you're doubting your motives for telling her etc but that doesn't detract from the fact that YOU didn't do it, HE did.

You 100% did the right thing telling her. She's torturing herself wanting all the details - been there, done that myself - and it won't help her in the long run, but she has to do it. I would discourage her continuing down that line though if she returns for more.

Neither of you are fools, just good, open, trusting people and you both have the capacity for a good future - him not so much!

Keep strong and try to control your thoughts from spiralling down. Try and remember you have control over your thoughts and you can choose how you talk to yourself.

Thinking of you
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Old 27th August 2010, 04:54 PM   #13
Annie
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Re: Big Mistake

Been having a really bad day today, luckily I had my regular counselling appt today and just sobbed for the full hour. She told me I should be proud that I had the guts to tell her & that she had a right to know. I ve spoken to a couple of good friends who have all basically said the same as you guys, I m still upset but I can move on from this. I have told her not to make any hasty decisions and that she has a right to be happy. I am going to avoid all contact with both of them now, I just hope she manages to salvage something from the life I helped destroy.
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Old 27th August 2010, 06:55 PM   #14
Mocamps
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Re: Big Mistake

Annie,

I met up with one of the women who had an affair with my husband and she gave me all the gory details. I instigated the meeting because it was driving me mad finding out the truth in dribs and drabs from my husband. She also then told me about a serious affair that he had had previously and that I knew nothing about. Yes, it upset me and I was a complete mess for a while afterwards, but it was what we both needed to get everything out in the open and start to recover. Its just that for some reason the unfaithful partners find this really difficult to do. They seem to find a need to keep some things hidden and tell half-truths. This is NOT what I needed and it was only thanks to that woman that I was able to finally get all the truth out. I can see that now. Yes, I hated her at the time for what she had done with my husband - but she wasn't the one who was unfaithful to me. That was all down to him. I can see that now and I do appreciate that she, at least, had the courage to tell me the whole truth.

Also, even though the wife that you met may have known nothing about what was going on, believe me, there WOULD have been problems in their relationship. She just didn't know the real cause of them. When I look back over the years that my husband was unfaithful I can recollect loads of things that were actually down to his affairs (him going off to "golf" (aka "other woman") when we had important family functions so then we had rows, him going out for little walks on his own on Christmas Day or holidays (to txt other women), all sorts of stuff.

So please don't feel too bad. She may not be too keen on you now but honestly, one day she will see that you did her a favour!!

Finally, I believe that she is now also with someone who hasn't already got a wife!! So here's wishing the same for you.
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Old 27th August 2010, 08:02 PM   #15
chosen
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Re: Big Mistake

mocamps, I think the problem that this poor lady had in her relationship was having a lying cheating husband. At least now she knows the full truth and can make decisions based on what her husband is like. There cant be much worse than being kept in the dark when your spouse is cheating.
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