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Old 28th April 2010, 02:31 PM   #1
callmedave
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Desperate for help and advice

Hi All

Having an awful day today and have finally come to the conclusion that my marriage is now over, ive found the strength from somehwere to reach the decision.

However as many would have experienced on here im sure that some of us are left with feelings of paranoia and jealousy on a level that is close to being out of control, I know I certainly am.

5 flaming months and im still no further forward, does any one have any links to some good advice on coping with paranoia and jealousy please, i am arranging counselling for when im in a more stable financial situation but i am desperately crying out for some short term help and support in the meantime.

So far I have had some great support from reading this site and hope that this will continue.
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Old 28th April 2010, 03:31 PM   #2
Algenon49
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Re: Desperate for help and advice

Hi,

Try to stay calm and focused, i like you often suffer extreme bouts of jealousy and anxiety, i wish i could be there with you to offer personal support but unfortunatly that is not possible.

As you say there are many here who will be glad to offer words of comfort and the support we crave, you have to be strong, try to concentrate on one thing at a time, thinking of multiple problems will only cause you stress, deal with the most urgent first and ignore the rest, when you have to address the next one do so and ignore the rest and so on.

Speak to a freind or close family friend, i have had great supprt from the most unlikely sources, you may be suprised at the reaction you get.

Do not spend time alone! when you're down go out and do something however difficult you may find it, i do and sometimes it is a real effort, but it does bring some relief.

Go to a gym, strenuous excersise is great for releasing endorphins it will give you a lift, you never know you might just enjoy it.

I hope you dont find my ramblings offensive, but you need to know you are not alone here.

Take care.

A.
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Old 28th April 2010, 04:24 PM   #3
callmedave
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Posts: n/a
Re: Desperate for help and advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by Algenon49 View Post
Hi,

Try to stay calm and focused, i like you often suffer extreme bouts of jealousy and anxiety, i wish i could be there with you to offer personal support but unfortunatly that is not possible.

As you say there are many here who will be glad to offer words of comfort and the support we crave, you have to be strong, try to concentrate on one thing at a time, thinking of multiple problems will only cause you stress, deal with the most urgent first and ignore the rest, when you have to address the next one do so and ignore the rest and so on.

Speak to a freind or close family friend, i have had great supprt from the most unlikely sources, you may be suprised at the reaction you get.

Do not spend time alone! when you're down go out and do something however difficult you may find it, i do and sometimes it is a real effort, but it does bring some relief.

Go to a gym, strenuous excersise is great for releasing endorphins it will give you a lift, you never know you might just enjoy it.

I hope you dont find my ramblings offensive, but you need to know you are not alone here.

Take care.

A.
Hi Algenon

Thank you for your kind words, unfortunately I dont have the luxury of friends I can talk to nor family, but on a posititve note I have this site which has been invaluable since joining a few days back and it truly does give me the strength i need to move on too a certain extent, I guess its only me that can make it work but knowing people care enough to take time out of thier lives to make the effort means so so much it really does.

I dont take your ramblings offensive in the slightest they have real value, its not anything i havent read before but hell it doesnt half help to be reminded of what works when your head is all over the place.

Do you know what, now that I have addmitted it to myself and e-mailed my ex to tell her what I am going to do with my life I feel somewhat of a release, that may sound weird going by how I began this thread but im smiling at the moment, im using some very valuable tools that are helping me along, one of which is too remind me of what my ex did, or didnt do to get me where I am now, that is making it easier.

My problem is dealing with the fact that she will be with someone else soon I just know it, history says so as does recent events, the thought of her being with another makes my stomach churn as deep down I still get butterflies when I see her but I know this is/was hanging on to conjure up an image of her that doesnt really exist if that makes sense at all.

I hope all is well with you Algenon and you are in a happy and peaceful place.

First off I have the deep love of my two sons who brighten my life, I have the support of Alcoholics Anonymous this weekend to keep me from doing the wrong thing, I have the support of you guys on here, I have up and coming counselling, and when the time is right I want to turn this into a posititve outcome by doing a diploma in counselling myself!

In a tough time I still consider myself lucky to have the support I do.

This wont break me it will make me stronger.
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Old 29th April 2010, 03:36 AM   #4
mdmquincy
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 125
Re: Desperate for help and advice

I don't have a lot of experience with jealousy and only mild flairs of paranoia, but I am here for you. Vent away.
A quick google search on jealousy and paranoia led to a lot on your issues. The first two that caught my eye were http://www.askmen.com/dating/curtsmi...ng_advice.html and http://http://www.head-cleaners.com/...djealousy.html

I don't know how good these are, but they may help lead to better resources. Since my h dropped the bomb, I have become an obsessive reader. I have found a lot of stuff to help me, but as always experts contradict. So, I look for the things that make the most sense to my situation and/or the ones that are most frequently repeated.

This is a good place to let some of your anxieties go. Use this forum to vent IF it helps you to release your frustrations. However, I feel like when I vent it does more to aggravate the situation. You will know what's best for you, and you will find a lot of support here either way.

Good luck to you!
Love and healing and detachment,
J
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Old 29th April 2010, 08:28 AM   #5
Raymond
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Desperate for help and advice

I don't really understand how one can be jealous when one is in control of the situation in the sense that you are leaving that person. If they are being left they surely have the right to be with someone else. If one is really jealous maybe they should not be leaving them in the first place? Doesn't this jealousy show a connection to them. Maybe you mean envy and not jealousy? I don't know. Jealousy is wanting what belongs to you. That's why I say there is a connection. Envy is wanting something that belongs to someone else and almost begruding them. Not a goody. Jealousy is knowing that something belongs to you and that you had every right to it but something is going wrong. It is not a bad emotion in my view and can contain a right anger.

Raymond
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Old 29th April 2010, 08:30 AM   #6
Algenon49
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Re: Desperate for help and advice

Hi,

Dealing with the thought of her being with someone else is indeed very difficult, i too struggle with this, but i try to train my line of thought on something else when this happens, i sometimes focus on what i didn't like about our relationship seems to work!

You're right when you say that when you come to a decision about where yo[U] are going it does bring a relief, same with me i've done a similar thing where i have decided not to contact my wife anymore as the hurt is too much when i speak to her, i'm hoping in time she will contact me and then i can take it from there, you never know the decision you have taken will strike a chord with your wife which may just make her think! we live in hope.

I too have a son who lives with me although at 19 years old leads his own life, but without him i'd be lost he does in his own way give me much needed support as does my brother, i'm very lucky in that respect, it must be very difficult at times if you have no one, i feel for you on this.

At the moment i force myself to go to work purely because it's easy for periods of time to forget whats happening and there is people around who's conversation is a welcome distraction, night time is still the worst time.

stay strong my friend we are all with you!

A.
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Old 29th April 2010, 08:38 AM   #7
callmedave
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Re: Desperate for help and advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by Raymond View Post
I don't really understand how one can be jealous when one is in control of the situation in the sense that you are leaving that person. If they are being left they surely have the right to be with someone else. If one is really jealous maybe they should not be leaving them in the first place? Doesn't this jealousy show a connection to them. Maybe you mean envy and not jealousy? I don't know. Jealousy is wanting what belongs to you. That's why I say there is a connection. Envy is wanting something that belongs to someone else and almost begruding them. Not a goody. Jealousy is knowing that something belongs to you and that you had every right to it but something is going wrong. It is not a bad emotion in my view and can contain a right anger.

Raymond

Hi Ray

I think your absolutely right, I am still deeply in love with her and thought we would be together forever, im trying to move on more for sanity purposes, nothing else is working, i am making the situation worse by not giving her space and I know that but my anxieties are such that I just can cope.
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Old 29th April 2010, 08:40 AM   #8
callmedave
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Desperate for help and advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by mdmquincy View Post
I don't have a lot of experience with jealousy and only mild flairs of paranoia, but I am here for you. Vent away.
A quick google search on jealousy and paranoia led to a lot on your issues. The first two that caught my eye were http://www.askmen.com/dating/curtsmi...ng_advice.html and http://http://www.head-cleaners.com/...djealousy.html

I don't know how good these are, but they may help lead to better resources. Since my h dropped the bomb, I have become an obsessive reader. I have found a lot of stuff to help me, but as always experts contradict. So, I look for the things that make the most sense to my situation and/or the ones that are most frequently repeated.

This is a good place to let some of your anxieties go. Use this forum to vent IF it helps you to release your frustrations. However, I feel like when I vent it does more to aggravate the situation. You will know what's best for you, and you will find a lot of support here either way.

Good luck to you!
Love and healing and detachment,
J
Hi mdmquincy

Thanks for the info, I too am an obsessive reader but when im away from the laptop all the rationale seems to leave me in no time at all before anxieties reach fever pitch yet again, im all over the place.
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Old 29th April 2010, 08:47 AM   #9
callmedave
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Desperate for help and advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by Algenon49 View Post
Hi,

Dealing with the thought of her being with someone else is indeed very difficult, i too struggle with this, but i try to train my line of thought on something else when this happens, i sometimes focus on what i didn't like about our relationship seems to work!

You're right when you say that when you come to a decision about where yo[U] are going it does bring a relief, same with me i've done a similar thing where i have decided not to contact my wife anymore as the hurt is too much when i speak to her, i'm hoping in time she will contact me and then i can take it from there, you never know the decision you have taken will strike a chord with your wife which may just make her think! we live in hope.

I too have a son who lives with me although at 19 years old leads his own life, but without him i'd be lost he does in his own way give me much needed support as does my brother, i'm very lucky in that respect, it must be very difficult at times if you have no one, i feel for you on this.

At the moment i force myself to go to work purely because it's easy for periods of time to forget whats happening and there is people around who's conversation is a welcome distraction, night time is still the worst time.

stay strong my friend we are all with you!

A.

Hi algenon

Thanks for your support, I too try to think of things in the way you said that hurt me over the years and I think i need to type these up and carry them around on a notepad, on my intro thread i told my story but not the entirety, she had an affair (one night stand) which resulted in pregnancy 6 years ago, I was totally shattered by this, i called her all the names under the sun and she took it, she then said she would do everything she could to make this up to me with a stronger relationship, it never happenned, this I believe is the root of the problem and subsequently why I sought the attention online of other women.

I know most sane people would say walk away from it emotionally as it has done so much damage, not just to me but to her as well, but it isnt as straightforward as I want it to be, sometimes I wish I could be like her and have no fellings and just move on, but i cant do it at the moment, im kidding myself that I can.
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