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Old 2nd November 2015, 10:57 PM   #1
Miguelplays
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 3
Question Just separated

My wife gave me an ultimatum a week ago; to see my family less and certainly not on weekends, or to leave. Of course being the good father I am, the good son that I am, I left. The story behind her ultimatum I will try and summarize.

I met my wife online (2014) and we arranged to meet in person (we both live in SLC, Utah. USA). She was a beautiful Mexican woman from Mexico, and had lived here for seven years having over-stayed her tourist visa. I am 54, she is 44. Within a few minutes of meeting, she laid all of that out. She told me upfront that she was undocumented, and had gotten a divorce from her husband (who was a dentist in Mexico), brought her daughters to live with her, and stayed. I told her that didn't bother me. It was a first date and there was no reason for me too be scared off. I am Mexican-American by the way, having been born in the US.

To make a long story short, we fell in love and I moved in to her house. I had sold my home five years ago after my wife passed away. Within a few months we got married without telling anybody, and the plan was after we got home form our honeymoon, we would put on a larger wedding and get married again. We ended up going to Jackson Hole, Wyoming for our honeymoon. While up there I let the "cat out of the bag", and leaked out that we were married. Everyone was so happy for us, they contacted us by phone or left Facebook comments as the word got out. The next day we drove back to Utah (5-hour drive), and we were bombarded with congratulatory calls and text messages all the way home. I was driving and letting my wife read the text messages from my phone. One of my daughters found out we got married snd became angry that she was one of the last people to find out. Well, she sent a text meant for me but my new bride read it. My daughter texted "oh, so you married that wet back huh? She probably just married you for her papers (citizenship)". To say the least we were floored. I apologized to my wife about what my daughter had said, but she was visibly bothered and angered by the comment from my daughter". For your information, "Wet Back" is a derogative name for a Mexican who moves to the US from Mexico. Its as bad as using the "N" word.

After that my wife refused to see my daughter. I did not blame her at all. But after not seeing my daughter for three months, I made contact with her and sort of forgave her. My wife never would. In fact the ensuing 15 months, not only did she refuse to see my daughter, but she disowned the rest of my family for accepting my daughter back into our good graces. I tried telling my wife this past year, that that's what family does. We forgive and move on. But my wife would have no part of it. She was hurt and angered that the rest of my family accepted my daughter back into their lives. So angered, that she has not been around my family for almost a year. I go to birthday party's, holiday dinners, weddings and funerals by myself. I have the best mother and father you could hope for., but she would never again go with me to visit them.

In the past 4-5 months, she started getting angry that I was spending so much time with my parents and kids. All of the time I spent with them was when she was at work. But the last few months she has been getting angry every time I see a member of my family, to the point of telling me a week ago, if you don't stop seeing them on the weekends (she called it her time), I was going to have to leave. I explained to her that birthday dinners and such were always on the weekends, but she didn't care. She said I had to stay with her....period! It got so bad she finally gave me the ultimatum to stop seeing them so much, or leave. Who does that to their husband? Now I've been separated for a few days, haven't called or texted, and am at a loss. I want to text and see if anythings changed, but i doubt it has.

My question is, should I just give it time and see if she comes around? She disowned her own parents 25 years ago and hasn't seen them since, which tells me she isn't going to change her mind about my family. I realized last night that I miss the woman she was when we married, and I miss the couple we used to be. I don't think she is going to change her mind.. How long should I wait before I try and contact her to see what it is she wants to do?
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Old 3rd November 2015, 05:29 AM   #2
chosen
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Re: Just separated

I think that you married a lady who you didnt really know very well, and who wants to control and manipulate you. There is no way that you can agree not to see your own children because of one wrong thing said. Of course we must make time for our spouses. but wider family, especially children are also important.
Its also possible that she did want to marry an American citizen so she could stay there, she was there illegally when you met.
She seems pretty immature to be honest, and when we get married we also marry the family (unless they are toxic or abusive). How would she feel if you told her never to see her children again? I bet she would freak out.
Having said that I also think it was very wrong of you not to tell your own children, and I can fully understand why your daughter felt very hurt by that. Whose idea was it to marry in secret? Why did you do that? Marriage should be in front of family and friends, not in isolation.

I would not make any contact and see what happens. If she does want to come back I think some good marriage counseling may help you to communicate better. She needs to accept that your family are part of your lives just as her children are part of hers. She also needs to learn that forgiveness is vital, and that bearing a grudge is bad thing.
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Old 3rd November 2015, 11:04 AM   #3
Raymond
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Re: Just separated

I think your wife does not know how to forgive and can hold a grudge forever it seems. That is extremely unhealthy for a marriage relationship not to mention your family. I see untold problems in her attitude not only in this situation but also the future. If one cannot forgive and move on you can build all sorts of prisons for yourself. To ask you to go because you see your own family is like being part of some kind of vendetta. Very unhealthy.

If might be better to let her go her own way if she won't forgive your family.
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Old 4th November 2015, 04:23 PM   #4
Miguelplays
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Re: Just separated

I really appreciate the reply's. Thank you. I spoke with a psychologist yesterday by phone and I'm meeting her today to discuss my situation further. She seems to think my wife suffered some kind of trauma that arrested the normal familial/relationship development stages we go through as we learn from our parents. Her initial response to me was "run". She's going to meet with me this afternoon to explain things further. I feel so bad for my wife because she gave me her whole heart in the beginning, and I feel she always meant well. But I wasn't prepared for the consequences of her writing off my family so easily. It has caused so many arguments this past year, especially around holidays and birthday parties. I'm feeling guilty for all of things I said during those arguments, like "I can't spend my whole life with you not accepting my family and taking part in our lives", and many times threatening to end our marriage. But she won't take any responsibility and when I approached her about dual counseling, she said I was the one who needed it. Frankly I do right now, because I can't understand how a marriage could end just because of my close relationship with my family.. Thanks again
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Old 4th November 2015, 05:36 PM   #5
chosen
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Re: Just separated

Some people are just controlling, its not always due to some trauma, just bad behaviour. The fact that she cant admit herself what she is doing wrong is very indicative of a controlling person. Presumably she sees her own daughters?
Often people will not be who they really are at the beginning of a relationship and can hide their true selves, and the fact that you didnt know her at all well means that she may have done this. Moving in together so soon and rushing into marriage not even telling you own children was not a good idea, I bet that was her idea. Also a person who thinks nothing of breaking the law isnt always reliable. There were red flags there but you went ahead anyway.
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Old 5th November 2015, 12:29 PM   #6
Raymond
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Re: Just separated

Also what is clear is that she has no right to cut you off from your own family because of some incident that happened that she won't forgive. If the option is to give up your family to keep the marriage then that is a very bad deal as you are being drawn into her faulty reasoning. It seems she has made her decision so I don't think you have any choice but to leave it as it is if you want to keep your family. It is a very cruel thing to ask anyone to do.

She may well have had a trauma in the past but that does not justify her present actions. If she won't bend then she is not setting much value on her marriage. You know it would be wrong to give in to her. She leaves you no choice but to leave it seems and you are probably better off out of it all I would say rather than living a lie. If she wants to isolate herself from your family that is up to her but she has no right to isolate you as well.
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Old 7th November 2015, 03:11 PM   #7
Miguelplays
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Re: Just separated

To Chosen; yes she has two daughters 21 and 23, who live with us and who I get along with well. She spent tons of time with her daughters, which I never complained about at all; in fact I would encourage it as a way to high light the comparison between seeing family and not seeing family. But this was all to no avail. I've sent a few text message (2-3) over the past week, and also sent off a birthday card in the mail (her birthday is 11/11). I don't know what she is going through because she hasn't responded to any of my text messages, but I am pretty sure she is not ready to admit her thinking is flawed, and I doubt at the age of 46, that will ever happen. So I have decided to wait 30 days and then file for s simple non-contested divorce and get on with my life. I missed a lot of things with my family this past 16 months; so I have a lot to make up! Thanks for the response again. I'm feeling better. I've been mourning the loss of the good parts of this marriage for over 10 months; I think Ill be fine.. Gracias
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Old 7th November 2015, 05:58 PM   #8
chosen
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Re: Just separated

Quote:
Originally Posted by Miguelplays View Post
To Chosen; yes she has two daughters 21 and 23, who live with us and who I get along with well. She spent tons of time with her daughters, which I never complained about at all; in fact I would encourage it as a way to high light the comparison between seeing family and not seeing family. But this was all to no avail. I've sent a few text message (2-3) over the past week, and also sent off a birthday card in the mail (her birthday is 11/11). I don't know what she is going through because she hasn't responded to any of my text messages, but I am pretty sure she is not ready to admit her thinking is flawed, and I doubt at the age of 46, that will ever happen. So I have decided to wait 30 days and then file for s simple non-contested divorce and get on with my life. I missed a lot of things with my family this past 16 months; so I have a lot to make up! Thanks for the response again. I'm feeling better. I've been mourning the loss of the good parts of this marriage for over 10 months; I think Ill be fine.. Gracias
Its a very sad situation but anyone who tries to cut their spouse off from their own children because of one small annoyance is dysfunctional and completely unreasonable. You make so much effort with her children and yet she expects you to cut yours out of you life? That is just totally unreasonable to be honest. l wouldnt even bother to contact her, as unless she sees the wrong she has done(people like that rarely do)the marriage cant really work.
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