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Old 25th November 2010, 11:32 AM   #31
birdit
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Re: husband asked me to move out

Thanks everyone. We had counselling last night and it was awful. He basically said that his heart's not in it anymore and that he can't over how I have behaved. He refused to acknowledge that there are clearly underlying issues that need to be dealt with. He even said that because my sisterinlaw said my brother behaves badly, that means it runs in my family and there is therefore no hope! Counsellor said we have two choices - walk away or agree a 6-8 week period of compromise, meeting up, talking and counselling. He wouldn't give an answer saying he wanted to sleep on it but he said his hearts not in it and it would be a waste of everyone's time. So divorce couts it is. I cannot believe it - he admitted he missed me and is very upset, and hurt, so I can't udnestand why he wouldn't want to make the effort to try to sort things out. It feels like he is giving up too easily and too quickly. Not sure how I'm going to face the future. I wish I was dead, I feel empty without him.
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Old 25th November 2010, 01:31 PM   #32
chosen
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Re: husband asked me to move out

Birdit
Why not ask him to do the 6-8 week period of counselling together? It cant do any harm, and may do some good. It doesnt seem long enough to me, but it would be a start. Failing that, has he actually said that he will divorce you now?Maybe given time, and as he learns that you have stopped drinking for good, he will come round.
Its hard to know what to say as we dont actually know what it has been like for him, but have you promised him many times that you will stop drinking, and stop acting like this?
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Old 25th November 2010, 01:51 PM   #33
Raymond
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Re: husband asked me to move out

One of the things in my mind Birdit is when you said that he said he has heard it all before regarding changes. This means that he has got discouraged regarding whether things will change. Listening to stuff about your brother is just enforcing that in his mind so you have something to prove here.

I have noticed that you give up easily and get discouraged believing the worse. Please don't say you wish you were dead. He has admitted that he misses you so you have work to do.

As Chosen has said do the 6 - 8 week counselling thing if you can. This will give you time together. He definitely needs his faith restored in you so don't get discouraged. I know there are no guarantees but the answer is certainly not to lie down and give up. Who knows what you can achieve if you put your heart and mind to it.
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Old 25th November 2010, 01:55 PM   #34
birdit
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Re: husband asked me to move out

Chosen/Raymond
I want desperately to do the 6-8 week counselling but he said his heart's not in it, and doesn't really see the point. He said he doesn't want to waste anyone's time and thinks it WOULD be a waste of time. He also said that me giving up alcohol is "too little too late". He said he feels no tension and more calm now I've moved out. So that's why I have given up because he is not meeting me half way and just doesn't seem to want to make any effort.
He said we'd speak today but still no call, or email. I can't live like this. I can't believe he has given up so easily and quickly without making any effort to tackle our issues together. Counsellor thinks there's more to our problems than just the alcohol.
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Old 25th November 2010, 03:33 PM   #35
chosen
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Re: husband asked me to move out

Why not contact him and ask him directly to please do the counselling just for the 6 weeks.He hasnt actually said that he wont do it. Why do you think he feels no tension anymore?Was there a lot of tension between you while you were there?
There may or may not be more to it than the achohol, but from what you described earlier that was a serious problem that caused him such a lot of unhappiness.
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Old 25th November 2010, 03:43 PM   #36
birdit
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Re: husband asked me to move out

Hello Chosen
He wouldnt' give an answer re the 6-8 week thing in front of the counsellor and said he needed to "sleep on it". Said he'd call today. I just emailed asking if we are going to speak and he didn't respond yet. Re the tension - there wasn't tension but he said I'd got quite picky with him - I said this is because I was feel anxious about the relationship and stuff and felt he was being disrespectful (ie he'd come home at 5am and not warn me etc) - he said he didn't care to let me know because I'd disrespected him. So it's a vicious circle.
He says he got to a point where he no longer enjoyed socialising with me, so feels a lot calmer that he is going out on his own without me. This I can understand but he just doesn't seem to think there is any point in addressing my issues and seeing where we get to. He's given up on me frankly. He's not even interested to hear I'm cutting out the booze. He said my behaviour was arrogant and not that which you would expect from someone who professes to love you (ie screaming abuse at him in front of his friends and family). I think that, even if he did agree to the 6-8 week thing, that he'd end up resenting me for having pushed him into it.
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Old 25th November 2010, 04:19 PM   #37
chosen
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Re: husband asked me to move out

I have to admit Birdit, that if my husband screamed abuse at me in front of friends and family for a long time it may have caused me to want to leave. However all isnt lost. Wait to see what he says today, and go from there. Even if he refuses that, dont do anything rash, like divorce him, and wait for him to make the first move. Given time things may change. Has he mentioned divorce?
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Old 25th November 2010, 05:31 PM   #38
birdit
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Re: husband asked me to move out

He says he is too stressed and mixed up to talk to me today. He says he very very bruised and finding it hard to move on from the position he is in. Says he doesn't want tomake life any harder for me than he has already. In other words, he thinks divorce is the right thing to do, but is worried about the impact on me.
I'd arranged to take him out for his birthday at the weekend, and he is now saying this is not appropriate - which doesn't bode well.
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Old 25th November 2010, 06:55 PM   #39
Raymond
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Re: husband asked me to move out

He is obviously still stressed when you are not there and maybe he is imagining more problems are because of you than there actually are.

I would give him time alone. He will probably find other areas of stress I would imagine. He knows he can always have you by the way you are behaving so it might be a good idea to ease off and not appear too desperate. This might concentrate his mind to know what he wants.

I think you have to hope for the best but be ready for the worst. I hope it is the best.
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Old 25th November 2010, 06:59 PM   #40
birdit
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Re: husband asked me to move out

Me too, thanks Raymond. Earlier I sent him a long email about giving us a chance, blah, blah, saying what I'd worked on this year regarding myself and my problems etc. I hope this wasn't a mistake.
Will let you know how it goes.
Thanks for all your support.
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Old 26th November 2010, 01:45 PM   #41
Raymond
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Re: husband asked me to move out

It is done now and there are some things he ought to hear. I would stand back a bit now.
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Old 26th November 2010, 05:21 PM   #42
birdit
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Re: husband asked me to move out

He basically told me on email today that it's over. Said if he could believe i've changed, he'll still feel that teh relationship has been squashed and why can't I accept that my behaviour wuold have inevitably led to a breakdown of the relationship. Then goes on to talk how he'll help me out more than he is legally obliged to do but only if I can be civil and friendly.
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Old 26th November 2010, 06:18 PM   #43
Raymond
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Re: husband asked me to move out

So basically he cannot get over your behaviour even if he sees you have changed?

That is sad Birdit. You were putting effort into it. I can't believe it's all over just like that. Are you sure it is not just a reaction to your long e mail message? Like he is saying stand back a bit I am trying to work this out?
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Old 27th November 2010, 07:47 PM   #44
birdit
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Re: husband asked me to move out

Hi, just back from spending yesterday evening and today with him talking. Was all a bit pointless - I just got very very upset and he is adamant that he can't forgive me or understand how I could love him and do what I did. So it's over. I pleaded with him to give me another chance but to no avail. The sad thing is that I spoke to my Mum who until now had been completely in the dark about everything. She told me I was silly because I could have solved the problem if only I'd listened to him earlier. I had been frightened to talk to her for fear she would hate HIM. But she was talking sense and it seems she is the only one who could have got through to me. WHy oh why did I not listen to him earlier? Like she said, she's not surprised that he has lost his feelings with me. And it could all have so easily been avoided.
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Old 27th November 2010, 07:48 PM   #45
birdit
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Re: husband asked me to move out

you know the worst thing was looking at our wedding photos and seeing how happy we were............... why did i just destroy it all???
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