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Old 16th August 2010, 11:41 PM   #1
disoriented
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Love without physical attraction?

Okay I am totally stumped here and at my wits end yet again. My husband and I have been together for 6 years, and married for 2. We've been through a lot of stuff over the years like my depression and his immaturity and morrre and really came out as much better people, more assured of each other's dedication, and usually treat each other pretty well these days. I'm going to try and describe this problem as best as possible but it is so convoluted and my mind is so sporadic that I want to apologise beforehand if I digress to much or don't explain some things well.

Anyway, to get to the point, my issue at the moment is that for the past few years he has shown very very little interest in me sexually. Independently, he'll on average get the urge once a month or two, and in the past literally every time I propositioned him myself I would be rejected for whatever reason, too tired, hungry, anything really. I was totally emotionally devastated by this as once I'd noticed there was an issue, every time I got up the balls to make a pass I felt really vulnerable and totally devastated when he said no without a second thought, even after I address the issue with him a few times. It wasn't until more problems with the relationship started to crop up and we went to counselling that he started to pay more attention to my feelings in general and at least worked on trying to at least consider the suggestion before instantly and outright refusing.

But really, nothing about the sex issue has changed very much despite how much I've complained and cried about it. It is really tearing down my self esteem and body image, which is really **** because despite me having a generally low opinion of myself I can honestly say I am conventionally good looking and I get a lot of unwanted attention for it (unwanted other than from my goddamn husband). But he just is not interested, I've tried pushing the boundaries of what I'm willing to do in bed, I've tried all the typical suggestions of sexy underwear, I've basically pleaded for him to give me any hint of what turns him on, all to no avail. And every time I try to address it, he just clams up, takes the approach that there's nothing wrong with him and I just need to chill out, and does not discuss.

NOW, I know what's going through all your minds haha. No, he is not gay, and no he is not impotent. One of the things that really bothers me about this is in the past he used to not be able to keep his hands off me, and during one of our worst times I managed to pry out the fact that he had been jerking off to porn several times a week. So, this I really can't get my head around. His libido is obviously in tact, but he is for the most part unwilling to take it out on his young fit wife who is practically begging for it? My mind has circled through all the elements of what could be missing for him and I really just can't piece it together. I have been the only one working at this other than the occasional times he has forced himself to acquiesce to avoid another whine-fest from me, and I have tried EVERYTHING.

I guess at this point the only question to consider is whether I put up with this ****, not only the near lack of a sex life but the fact that he is such a dick that he won't even take responsibility and try to diagnose and solve the problem (I think he genuinely does not know why he doesn't want to more than he does, but he is too lazy and selfish to figure it out). Should I put up with this in exchange for the fact that he is totally lovely, we're the best of friends, he is extremely trustworthy and loyal, he clearly loves me to pieces as a person, etc etc etc?

Ugh, I don't even know what the other option would be. He is so great in most other ways, in ways where it really counts, other than this whole ignoring my feelings and problems with the relationship thing. I can't stand the thought of leaving him because I really really don't get along with people and it seems like an absolute miracle that I found someone I get along with so well when I can hardly keep my interest in any one friend or family member. I've also been with him since we were 18, we're each other's first serious relationship and that may be playing into both my fear to leave and maybe him taking me for granted and thinking he can ignore my feelings and problems and I still won't be going anywhere.

I'm just gonna keep rambling if I don't stop this now. I will be so grateful to anyone who can give me some sound advice on whether I should care this much or not, anything really. The resentment is growing, resentment of both him and myself, and it really sucks
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Old 17th August 2010, 03:48 AM   #2
chosen
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Re: Love without physical attraction?

disoriented
It sounds to me as if porn is the issue here. If he is masturbating 2 or 3 times a week to porn then he wont want to have sex.
He needs to stop it now. If he is addicted, that may be easier said than done. Men say that it has nothing to do with how attractive their wives are or whether their wives are willing or not, it is something they get into and its hard to stop.

I think you need to get REALLY serious and tell him that unless he stops the porn completely you will seperate. Then he will have to choose you or the porn. I dont think that many men will stop until they risk loosing everything.If this happened in my marriage that is what I would do (along with lots of praying).

There are blockers that can be put on the computer to stop porn being accessed, or you can check his user history, to see what he has been looking at.Porn is incredibly damaging both to the user and to the spouse. It can and does destroy marriages. I am so sorry for what is happening and it is common for women in your position to feel bad about themselves, but really, the porblems isnt with you, it is with him. He is being unfaithful to you with all these other women, even if it isnt actually physical.
Could you have more counselling and get tough over this? You may have to get tough as many men wont give it up until they actually HAVE to.
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Old 17th August 2010, 04:36 AM   #3
disoriented
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Re: Love without physical attraction?

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Originally Posted by chosen View Post
disoriented
It sounds to me as if porn is the issue here. If he is masturbating 2 or 3 times a week to porn then he wont want to have sex.
He needs to stop it now. If he is addicted, that may be easier said than done. Men say that it has nothing to do with how attractive their wives are or whether their wives are willing or not, it is something they get into and its hard to stop.

I think you need to get REALLY serious and tell him that unless he stops the porn completely you will seperate. Then he will have to choose you or the porn. I dont think that many men will stop until they risk loosing everything.If this happened in my marriage that is what I would do (along with lots of praying).

There are blockers that can be put on the computer to stop porn being accessed, or you can check his user history, to see what he has been looking at.Porn is incredibly damaging both to the user and to the spouse. It can and does destroy marriages. I am so sorry for what is happening and it is common for women in your position to feel bad about themselves, but really, the porblems isnt with you, it is with him. He is being unfaithful to you with all these other women, even if it isnt actually physical.
Could you have more counselling and get tough over this? You may have to get tough as many men wont give it up until they actually HAVE to.

Thank you so much for your comment. Although I already did exactly as you suggested months ago, I am so relieved to hear someone doesn't think I'm a complete hard-ass for it. The way you put it, as cheating with these other women, is exactly how I saw it and I must thank you a million times for saying so because it's really made me feel validated on my decision. Once he saw that it was really upsetting me he went cold turkey and hasn't looked at a scrap of it in months. I had the blockers in place for a while but then I got him a new PC and I didn't bother putting them up since I trust him. He is nothing if not trustworthy, I absolutely know that he hasn't looked at it if he says he hasn't, that's just his awesome honest nature and I feel like I would be betraying him to bother checking the history or not believing his word which has always come through. Promise it's not just me being naive, he's such a good guy in ways that really matter and that's why it's killing me that he falls so short in dealing with these issues that DO crop up.

One thing he said though was that he actually felt like sleeping with me more when he was looking at porn since it stimulated his imagination in general. I can kind of understand that as I used to like adult fiction, but it still doesn't affect my strong belief that it's not really healthy in a serious relationship especially when your sex life is failing miserably. As for stimulating his imagination myself, god knows I've tried everything I could think of. Even pleaded with him to tell me what would turn him on, and he either had no response or he would suggest something like just approaching him in my underwear or something, but when I tried it he was as usual busy or uninterested which absolutely killed me after making myself vulnerable and being rejected yet again.

So confused and feel like I'm putting in 110% effort and he is putting in 0%. He's such a child and really doesn't want to think about anything that will make him feel inadequate or bad about himself, just wants me to do what I need to live with it which is so disgustingly selfish in my opinion. Really hating him right now :|
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Old 17th August 2010, 08:37 AM   #4
Raymond
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Re: Love without physical attraction?

It would be a very bad move for him to look at porn to get excited enough to sleep with you. That would not happen. The history proves the contrary. The whole thing is a diversion of his sexual drive. Even the MB could involve fantasies of other women or women he has seen on the porn. I always class it a mental adultery. There have been umpteen cases of it on here and it is a serious issue. Addiction could set in if he was allowed back on. This would really be playing with fire as it cuts right into the intimacy that belongs only to you two together. Cut off the porn and the solo mb and the normal sex drive will return in due course.

Raymond
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Old 17th August 2010, 12:07 PM   #5
chosen
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Re: Love without physical attraction?

I do agree with Raymond that in time the normal sex drive with you will return. He got used to having the porn to arouse him, and now it may take time to return to normal.
Were things normal with you guys before he started looking at porn?

I am so glad that you did what you did. It just shows that men can stop if they think they will loose their wives. So many women put up with it and never set boundaries and that is sad, because the men then know that they dont have to stop.

It is so damaging and so destructive. A friend of mine divorced her husband because she found out that he was looking at porn when she was out, while their two small children were playing in the same room. He was supposed to be looking after them. When we marry we do promise to be faithful and to forsake all others and looking at hundreds of naked women is not doing that in any way.

Well done for being so strong.I dont know if you are a believer, but try praying. It works.
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Old 17th August 2010, 12:24 PM   #6
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Re: Love without physical attraction?

Watching porn may seem exciting to your H disorientated but believe me long term it will desensitize him to normal sex.

I am totally in agreement with chosen and Raymond on this one. If a person is shunning sex with a partner but viewing porn multiple times a week then there is a problem.

I'm aware that for lots of people ( both men and women ) porn is seen as a sex aid and harmless but if it's interfering with a relationship and one of those in the relationship has a problem with it then it needs to stop.

Personally and for personal reasons I dislike porn , I have never made a secret of that and I do see it as a form of cheating ... many people don't .. At the start of any new relationship I'm always very upfront about that so that the other person then has a choice not to get involved with me. Mostly though they think they can do it in secret and it'll be fine...

It's a problem for you and your H needs to respect that.

Helen
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Old 17th August 2010, 01:02 PM   #7
disoriented
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Re: Love without physical attraction?

Thanks so much to all of you, It's so inexplicably good to know I'm not the only one who thinks this way.

At the same time though, the porn thing stopped probably almost a year ago now and nothing has changed, so at the moment it isn't really an issue in itself, but it is useful to bring up to show that he is not impotent or gay and that his libido is fine, just not being acted upon me?

My friend suggested the lack of sex thing might be a manifestation of some other problem he has with me, but it's so hard to even fathom what it could be when we seem to get along well otherwise. Like I said, we've had our issues in the past so maybe there's some lingering resentment or something but he certainly isn't giving me any hints if that's the case and he must know if he wanted anything from me I'd happily give. But really, he doesn't seem to want anything from me, he never asks for anything even other than sex as well. I think maybe that's the thing, because this is so typical of him like with everything else. He is so anti-materialistic and makes a huge point not to get emotionally attached to any items or luxuries or anything like that so that he doesn't feel spoiled and have to face disappointment later on as they'll potentially be gone. He just wants to be emotionally immune in every way like a goddamn shaolin monk or something, and loving and accepting to all others without depending on them for anything. He totally has no idea how much he is screwing it up by cutting others off and not interacting with them on an emotional level. It even upsets his mom and siblings. But he really thinks he is awesome, and he is, but this blindness to his own issues and refusal to acknowledge the feelings of people he wants to keep around is totally insufferable.

Is anyone else in the world like this?
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Old 17th August 2010, 01:31 PM   #8
Helen_uk
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Re: Love without physical attraction?

Sounds to me like he has emotional problems and these can affect the sex drive.

Just a thought but if he suffers from anxiety about losing things he becomes emotionally attached to then maybe that's the issue he has in regards to his lack of sex with you ? He might not even realize he's doing it.

I'm glad the porn has stopped, but maybe , in light of what you've just said he felt it " easier " to engage in sex with models behind the computer screen simply because they don't demand any kind of emotional attachment from him ?

I'm no psychologist but it waves red flags to me that he keeps his emotions under check and doesn't become attached to things .

This isn't an issue with you though, it's an issue with him and unless he sees a problem , getting him to deal with it won't be easy.

And yes there are other people in the world like him, my ex was one of them !
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Old 17th August 2010, 06:18 PM   #9
Raymond
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Re: Love without physical attraction?

Seems like he is acting like an island and not opening up emotionally to people. I wouldn't be surprised if this made him susceptible to the porn and solo mb. Sex without relationship? He seems to have built a wall around himself, but the long term affect of that will be to imprison himself. Relationship is life, especially in marriage.

I have a feeling that he had a deprived childhood. Would that be correct?

Raymond
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Old 17th August 2010, 06:37 PM   #10
chosen
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Re: Love without physical attraction?

Was your husband ever interested in you sexually, or has he always been like this?Was he looking at porn all the time since you met, or did it start after that?
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Old 17th August 2010, 08:30 PM   #11
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Re: Love without physical attraction?

Actuall disoriented. The real issue is not with you. It is with him. Don't get me wrong, its not your fault for thinking your doing something wrong. Its human nature. I mean, here you are basically throwing yourself at him and he isnt responding or reciprocating. He probably doesnt realize how low it makes you feel when he denies you.

Is it possible that he is depressed as well? I mean, everything you are mentioning are also signs of depression. Emotionally separating, looking for outlets, lack of interests in things that they like to do. How is HIS self image?
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Old 19th August 2010, 10:10 PM   #12
disoriented
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Re: Love without physical attraction?

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Originally Posted by Helen_uk View Post
Sounds to me like he has emotional problems and these can affect the sex drive.

Just a thought but if he suffers from anxiety about losing things he becomes emotionally attached to then maybe that's the issue he has in regards to his lack of sex with you ? He might not even realize he's doing it.

I'm glad the porn has stopped, but maybe , in light of what you've just said he felt it " easier " to engage in sex with models behind the computer screen simply because they don't demand any kind of emotional attachment from him ?

I'm no psychologist but it waves red flags to me that he keeps his emotions under check and doesn't become attached to things .

This isn't an issue with you though, it's an issue with him and unless he sees a problem , getting him to deal with it won't be easy.

And yes there are other people in the world like him, my ex was one of them !

Heyy thanks for the input. Yeah man, that seems like a really good way to put it. I've got no idea how to even put that across to him though, it's live I've tried to explain that it's an issue that needs to be sorted out loads of times in loads of different ways but he doesn't seem to think it's a problem
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Old 19th August 2010, 10:13 PM   #13
disoriented
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Re: Love without physical attraction?

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Originally Posted by Raymond View Post
Seems like he is acting like an island and not opening up emotionally to people. I wouldn't be surprised if this made him susceptible to the porn and solo mb. Sex without relationship? He seems to have built a wall around himself, but the long term affect of that will be to imprison himself. Relationship is life, especially in marriage.

I have a feeling that he had a deprived childhood. Would that be correct?

Raymond
Thanks very much for your reply. He actually did have a really deprived childhood as far as I can tell. His dad is a mineral engineer so he grew up in a lot of different third world countries so they lived pretty poor lifestyles a lot of the time, and his parents were the type that would give him like socks and undies for xmas instead of a videogame he wanted or something like that because it was more 'practical'? Do you think this might have something to do with it?
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Old 19th August 2010, 10:15 PM   #14
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Re: Love without physical attraction?

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Was your husband ever interested in you sexually, or has he always been like this?Was he looking at porn all the time since you met, or did it start after that?
Yeahhh he was for the first two years or so, not sure if during this point he was doing the porn thing. According to him it started before we stopped sleeping together as much, but im not sure how long before?
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Old 19th August 2010, 10:21 PM   #15
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Re: Love without physical attraction?

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Originally Posted by koliver0821 View Post
Actuall disoriented. The real issue is not with you. It is with him. Don't get me wrong, its not your fault for thinking your doing something wrong. Its human nature. I mean, here you are basically throwing yourself at him and he isnt responding or reciprocating. He probably doesnt realize how low it makes you feel when he denies you.

Is it possible that he is depressed as well? I mean, everything you are mentioning are also signs of depression. Emotionally separating, looking for outlets, lack of interests in things that they like to do. How is HIS self image?
See the weird thing about him is he seems really mentally and emotionally healthy otherwise. He loves himself entirely haha, he takes good care of himself and tries to always take a stress-free approach to things that usually seems to work for him. So the only evidence i can really see of this issue is his lack of action. But maybe his emotional stability is like part of it, cus he never wants to get emotional over anything or ask for anything from anyone including me if that makes sense?
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