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Old 1st June 2009, 01:47 AM   #16
JWD
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Re: How do i fix this now?

Maybe you are right Johnee but I doubt it, not for me to say I know but people like my ex and Hallowed'e ex are chasing something. They don't seem to know what they want. I always thought I married my husband think he somehow saved me but it was the other way round. Eventually they will tire of each other, they are both too needy and expect other to provide their happiness. Too immature.


Ahh love and light, I'm past caring what is wrong with him. Too exhausting.

The thing for me is the forgiveness is I'm nearly there. I don't think about him with an axe between his eyes anymore but still he irritates me purely by simply sending a text.

I have a very forgiving nature but every now and then silly thought creep in and before you know it the whole day is lost agonising over stupid details. It's exhausting working my way out of it but it can be done which is good. Positive thinking and affirmations are the only thing getting me through it.
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Old 1st June 2009, 01:50 AM   #17
JWD
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Re: How do i fix this now?

Mine said I deserve better too. About the only truthful thin he has said LOL. That apparently is a low self esteem issue saying that
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Old 1st June 2009, 01:57 AM   #18
hollowed
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Re: How do i fix this now?

well at this point I'm not even letting her know it bothers me. I am pretty much just living my life. I'm actually doing a bit more than I did before. I'm staying gone quite a bit now. Like for example I'm getting out and excercising a lot more and when we talk i act pretty happy and don't even mention any of it at the moment.
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Old 1st June 2009, 01:58 AM   #19
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Re: How do i fix this now?

Quote:
Originally Posted by JWD View Post
Mine said I deserve better too. About the only truthful thin he has said LOL. That apparently is a low self esteem issue saying that
lol well the night I found out that my wife was dating this guy i called her every name I could think of. him as well. before our conversation she said "well I haven't moved on but I'm a liar take it at face value" I just simply said "ok"
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Old 1st June 2009, 02:05 AM   #20
JWD
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Re: How do i fix this now?

unreal. I had to actually show mine the phone bill before he admitted it. he then defended her which just about killed me. I to this day do not know where I got the strength from but I hit him so hard across the face when he said that and lifted him out that chair with one hand and flung him out. I shouting something really stupid like I'm telling your mum LOL, big waste of time seeing as she can't even call me to see how I am hahah.
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Old 1st June 2009, 02:10 AM   #21
Johnee S
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Re: How do i fix this now?

Quote:
Originally Posted by JWD View Post
Maybe you are right Johnee but I doubt it, not for me to say I know but people like my ex and Hallowed'e ex are chasing something. They don't seem to know what they want. I always thought I married my husband think he somehow saved me but it was the other way round. Eventually they will tire of each other, they are both too needy and expect other to provide their happiness. Too immature.


Ahh love and light, I'm past caring what is wrong with him. Too exhausting.

The thing for me is the forgiveness is I'm nearly there. I don't think about him with an axe between his eyes anymore but still he irritates me purely by simply sending a text.

I have a very forgiving nature but every now and then silly thought creep in and before you know it the whole day is lost agonising over stupid details. It's exhausting working my way out of it but it can be done which is good. Positive thinking and affirmations are the only thing getting me through it.
I agree they expect us to make them happy, what kind of crock is that seriously? Part of me wants her to pack her things and leave, the other part wants her to come home, I know if she did come home it wouldn't be for us, just the kids and the fact she has no place to live. She even opened up a seperate bank account so that's a sign if she does come home she's not planning on sticking around very long.
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Love is never wanting to lose faith, never wanting to give up, and never truly moving on. Love is knowing and praying in the deepest part of what's left of your heart that the other feels the same.
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Old 1st June 2009, 02:11 AM   #22
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Re: How do i fix this now?

you know they could make things so much simpler if they would just own up to things in the beginning. lol I bet he was shocked when you cold cocked him though!!!
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Old 1st June 2009, 02:11 AM   #23
Johnee S
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Re: How do i fix this now?

Happiness in marriage is done by 2 people sharing their happiness together...
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Love is never wanting to lose faith, never wanting to give up, and never truly moving on. Love is knowing and praying in the deepest part of what's left of your heart that the other feels the same.
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Old 1st June 2009, 02:25 AM   #24
JWD
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Re: How do i fix this now?

Just wish he shared his feeling even to say he had made a mistake and wanted out.

I agree hallowed, what on earth is it all about. How hard to just say it unless they just wanted their cake and eat it. I'm sure mine was a cake eater. Yes he looked shocked. Big baby, wish I'd taken my shoe off to him now LOL.
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Old 1st June 2009, 02:44 AM   #25
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Re: How do i fix this now?

no kidding. i would have preferred it if my wife would have just come to me and said ok i want out this isn't working for me. Would have been much easier to deal with than having to deal with that she had an affair.

lol well if your lucky or rather unlucky you can run into him and beat him with your shoe then!
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Old 1st June 2009, 04:22 AM   #26
Johnee S
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Re: How do i fix this now?

Ya same here! But as i said those of us victims of an affair are the fall back guiy/gal when they realize their affair is a sad sorry thing that wore off.
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Love is never wanting to lose faith, never wanting to give up, and never truly moving on. Love is knowing and praying in the deepest part of what's left of your heart that the other feels the same.
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Old 1st June 2009, 05:34 AM   #27
JWD
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Re: How do i fix this now?

Well he won't be falling back on me. I've come too far to do that to myself. Not suggesting anyone else should be the same though. This needed to happen to me for me to wake up and see clearly. I would sooooo love him to try though lol.

Off to see Beyonce wooo hooo
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Old 2nd June 2009, 12:04 AM   #28
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Re: How do i fix this now?

does anyone know anything about this ebook?

Ultimate Guide to Saving Your Marriage

I got a few but I figure the more I can read the more chances I have of saving my marriage.
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Old 2nd June 2009, 01:35 AM   #29
Hilary
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Re: How do i fix this now?

Hi hollowed
You are going through a difficult time and of course your situation is very complex.

I would like to pick you up on an important point which you made in your first post that you might not have recognised yet. You say:
"he filled a need which was that he made her feel important and that she had no good reasons for having it."

If he filled a need that wasn't being met in your marriage then you need to take that very seriously because if you can fulfill the need behind the need then she can be happy with you. The statement that she had no good reasons for having the affair contradicts the first half of the statement - from her unconscious perspective, it was a very good reason - her needs are not being met.

If you can explore her needs and the needs behind the needs (and do the same for yourself) then you will both be happier. We all have strong needs to feel significant (important, valued, meaning in life), to be connected (warmth, respected, loved), certainty (security), variety, the opportunity to grow and contribute. All other needs go back to one of these six basic human needs. So which of these 6 is he giving her and what are her criteria for meeting that need.

Does feeling important mean that she needs a greater sense of significance? And if so how specifically? You will never be able to fulfill that need identically, but perhaps in a different way. And don't say you do fulfil it, because you haven't been or she wouldn't have had to get it filled another way. Which is not to say you have to feel bad about it. You don't. No one person can fulfill all another person's needs but it can be useful to know exactly what her trigger is and if the marriage is worth saving then you can work on fulfilling each other's needs in couple affirming ways.
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Old 2nd June 2009, 03:38 AM   #30
Johnee S
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Re: How do i fix this now?

Currently, women are initiating 70 - 75% of all divorces

The "stages" that women often experience during the course of their long-term relationships

Stage 1

Women at Stage 1 feel as though something is missing in their lives. They have all the things that they wanted—a home, a family, a great husband—but they feel they should be happier. Over time, many women in this stage begin to lose interest in sex. It is not uncommon for them to spend a great deal of energy trying to avoid physical contact with their husbands because they fear it might lead to a sexual encounter. They frequently complain of physical ailments to avoid having sex and often try to avoid going to bed at the same time as their husbands.

They view sex as a job, not unlike doing the dishes or going to the grocery store. Some women in Stage 1 claim they feel violated when their husbands touch them. Their bodies freeze up and they feel tightness in their chest and/or a sick feeling in their stomach. The majority of women in Stage 1 feel as though there is something wrong with them, that they are in some way defective. They are also fearful that their disinterest in sex will cause their husbands to cheat, or worse yet, leave them.

Stage 2

Women at Stage 2 experience reawakened desire stimulated by an encounter outside the marital relationship. Whether these encounters with a "new" man involves sex or remain platonic, women will typically give a tremendous amount of emotional significance to these encounters.

Many women in this stage haven't felt any sexual desire for a long time. Many experience tremendous guilt and regret, regardless of whether their new relationships are sexual, merely emotional, or both. Most begin to experience what could be termed an identity crisis—even those who try to put the experience behind them. Constant reminders are everywhere. They feel guilt when the topic of infidelity arises, whether in the media, in conversations with family and friends, or at home with their husbands. Women in this stage can no longer express their prior disdain for infidelity without feeling like a hypocrite. They feel as though they have lost a part of themselves.

Reflecting society’s belief that women are either “good” or “bad,” women will question their “good girl” status and feel that they might not be deserving of their husbands. Many will try to overcome feelings of guilt by becoming more attentive toward and appreciative of their husbands. However, over time many women will move from appreciation to justification. In order to justify their continued desire for other men, women will begin to attribute these desires to needs that are not being met in their marriage, or to their husband’s past behavior. Many women will become negative and sarcastic when speaking of their husbands and their marriages and it is not uncommon for an extramarital affair to follow.

Stage 3

Women at Stage 3 are involved in affairs, ending affairs, or contemplating divorce. Women who are having affairs experience feelings unlike anything they have experienced before. They feel “alive” again and many believe they have found their soul mates. These women are experiencing feelings associated with a chemically altered state, or what is typically referred to as being in love.

These women are also typically in tremendous pain, the pain of choosing between their husbands and their new love interests. They typically believe that what they are doing is wrong and unfair to their husbands, but yet are unable to end their affairs. Many often try several times. Prior to meeting with their lovers, they will vow that it will be the last time, but they are unable to stick with their decisions.
Unable to end their extramarital relationships, women at Stage 3 conclude that their lovers are soul mates because they are unaware that they have become addicted to the high caused by chemicals released during the initial stages of a relationship.

Many live in a state of limbo for years. “Should I stay married or should I get a divorce?” this is the question continuously on the minds of women at Stage 3 - it is also common for women at this stage to attempt to initiate a separation. In most cases, husbands of women at Stage 3, will launch futile attempts to make their wives happy by being more attentive, spending more time at home and helping out around the house. Regardless of women’s past and present complaints, the last thing women at Stage 3 want, is to spend more time with their husbands.

The reason many women will give for their desire to separate is a “search for self.” They convince their husbands that they might be able to save their marriage if they can just have time to themselves. They tell their husbands that time apart is the only hope of improving their current situation. Women at this stage want to free themselves of the restrictions of marriage and spend more time with their lovers. Most think that eventually their confusion will disappear. They think they will eventually know with certainty whether they want to stay married or get divorced and be with their lovers. Separation allows women at this stage, to enjoy the high they experience with their lovers without giving up the security of their marriages. Husbands of Stage 3 women are often unaware that their wives are having affairs. Their lack of suspicion is typically due to their wife’s disinterest in sex and in their belief that their wife is a “good girl.”

Women at Stage 3 may also be experiencing the ending of an extramarital affair, and the ending may not have been their decision. They may have been involved with single men who either lost interest because the relationship could not progress or who became attracted to another women who was single. Women whose affairs are ending often experience extreme grief. They may become deeply depressed and express tremendous anger toward their husbands. They are typically unaware that they are experiencing chemical withdrawal due to sudden changes in their brain chemistry.

As a result, many will feel that they have missed their chance at happiness due to their indecisiveness.
Believing they have become more aware of what they want and need from a mate, women at this stage will often place the utmost importance on finding a "new" relationship that will give them the feeling they experienced in their affairs. A new relationship with a new partner will also represent a clean slate, a chance for these women to regain their “good girl” status. Some women will search for new partners during their separations. Others will return to their marriages, but not emotionally and still continue to search. Some women will resume sporadic sexual relations with their husbands in an effort to safeguard their marriage until they make a decision. Although they are often not sexually attracted to their husbands, desire is temporarily rekindled when they suspect their husbands are unfaithful, are contemplating infidelity, or when their husbands show signs of moving on.

Stage 4

The women in stage four included those who chose to stay married and continue their affairs and those who chose to divorce. Some of the women who continued their affairs stated that marital sex was improved by maintaining the extramarital relationship. Some thought the lover was a soul mate, but for one reason or another did not leave their husband and did not feel torn between the two. Others realized that their feelings were intensified by not sharing day-to-day living arrangements with their lover. Almost all of the women in this latter category were having affairs with married men. They believed their affairs could continue indefinitely without disrupting either partner’s primary relationship.

The women who chose divorce and were in the beginning stages of a new relationship typically expressed relief at having finally made a decision and reported feeling normal again. Many of the divorced women who had remarried and were several years into their new marriages seemed somewhat reluctant to talk about the specifics of their past experiences. However, they did mention feelings of guilt and regret for having hurt their children and ex-spouses only to find themselves experiencing similar feelings in the new relationship.
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Love is never wanting to lose faith, never wanting to give up, and never truly moving on. Love is knowing and praying in the deepest part of what's left of your heart that the other feels the same.
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