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Old 24th August 2010, 11:01 PM   #1
Fallout Boy
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Just found out my wife of 11 years is having an affair

This is really difficult to write as its still pretty raw, but if anyone can help me they might just save my marriage.

I am 40 years old and my wife is 33 we have been happily married for 11 years. We originally had trouble conceiving but we now have 2 wonderful children. My wife gave up her carrer last year to look after our youngest daughter, she also didnt enjoy the working atmosphere of her work and her career seemend to be at a standstill. I was earning enough money to pay the bills so I said no problem so said lets go for it, for richer and poorer and all that. The last year has been a struggle i.e. cutting costs etc but we still manage to have a pretty good standard of living. Our youngest can be a little difficult and I sensed that my wife was feeling the strain so every weekend I would make a big effort to give her a break and take the kids out etc.

Things changed about 6 weeks ago, my wife started going out with a group of girls from the local toddler play scheme she attended once a week, I thought this was great as she was getting out and I did see she was suffering from cabin fever. I started noticing about this time she was spending lots of time on facebook and she getting lots of texts I assumed she was growing her circle of friends as she hasnt had many over the last couple of years. She started getting more irritable with me, losing her temper with me for no reason. She was withdrawn in bed, no cuddles that we used to enjoy every morning, no spontaneous kisses or signs of affection.

I have always been the one to instigated sex and yes after 11 years its not every night but we did enjoy it 3-4 times a month and we both achieved climax most of the time. I was always wanting more but she was never overtly sexual even before we got married, but the important thing is we loved each other and our company.

As some of you have probably experienced I became more and more suspicious of her behavior, I started to doubt my own mental health as I became more and more paranoid. Things went down hill rapidly last week as I had arranged to meet an old friend she was practically pushing me out the door, just before I left her phoned beeped and I couldnt contain my paranoia any further and looked as she was on the phone to her mother it said "See you when I get home. Be ready". My heart sank, I asked her what she would be doing tonight she said nothing, I said I had accidently seen the message, she said after some thought its was a friend who was on holiday. She told me to text her when I was returning home which she never does. The following night she was out with the girlsand got in really late. When she had gone to sleep I got up and went down to her phone, I checked her messages no messages except mine, but then I found a folder with some old messages, from the same texter as the previous evening one saying "couldnt wait to see you again" the next txt went into a load of detail about what was going to happen to my wife sexually the next time they met. I didnt recognise this person as my wife.

All these txts are from a girl.

I was stunned and threw up. I ran upstairs woke her up and confronted her, she denied it all but when I mentioned I had been looking at her phone she hit the roof (she fell out with her mum when she was a teenager for looking through her diary) I asked is it a girl she denied it she said it was just some bloke (some old school mate) pissing about texting her, she then started going on about her head being all over the place and she is confused, she has lost her identity, we had lost who we were. She basically stonewalled me, I said I wanted her to end it and she said she would. We didnt sleep very well and the following day we went away for an extended weekend with the kids. All weekend she was texting when my back was turned.

We got home yesterday and last night we talked. She said she needed space, she didnt know what was best, she doesnt know whet she wants anymore. She started talking about maybe it wasnt best for her to get married to me straight after leaving Uni. She said its just me and you in that bloody living room, why dont you go out (I used to go out to football etc, but due to the fact we only have my income I gave up a lot). I apologised for looking at her phone and promised not to intrude again, I asked what do I need to do to change, what has this girl (She pretty much admitted it was a girl last night)have to offer ? is she married ? are you gay now ? I offered that we go to Relate or even I move out for a couple of days, anything ! She said its not you and just said I need you to back off and give her time, she didnt want me to move out at this time as it would mean us going public about what was going on and it would upset our kids.

I spent today trawling the net for help and came across this site, tonight she has made arrangements for Friday night and my stomach is turning.

You see despite the last 6 weeks I still love and adore her and desperately want our marriage to recover from this. I got into marriage for life and I will do anything to save what I think up until recently has been a good partnership. Am I being knieve, if she has got feelings for girls now can I get her back. Can anyone help me I am desperate.
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Old 24th August 2010, 11:45 PM   #2
Mocamps
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Re: Just found out my wife of 11 years is having an affair

Hi Fallout Boy,

I really feel for you, especially at this moment when I know you probably wish it was all a bad dream and you just want to wake up and be back to normal! I think you will find that this forum will help as there are plenty of people who have experienced similarly devastating events and can help you to feel that how you feel is 'normal' for someone in your circumstances. That helps a lot because otherwise you feel like you are going mad!
I think the best advice that I can offer at the moment is to try to give her some space to allow herself to think through what she really wants because she sounds really confused at the moment - but at the same time, don't let yourself be walked over!! Tricky balancing act, I know, but if you browbeat her into making a decision she will either stay and possibly feel resentful and unsure that she has made the right decision or go because you have forced her hand. Obviously what you want is for her to stay because you are such a great, understanding husband and she can't possibly live apart from you!! Your situation is different from mine because it was my husband who was unfaithful and I was trying to decide whether or not to go, so I can't speak from my own experience (though others may be able to) but I would think at this moment in time the best thing you can do is show her you love her but want her to be with you because she WANTS to and not because she OUGHT to or for the sake of the children because that is what will work out best for you both in the future.

I am praying for you at this time - because I know it hurts so much.

God bless
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Old 25th August 2010, 12:03 AM   #3
Mocamps
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Re: Just found out my wife of 11 years is having an affair

Just thought of something else.
Don't feel too guilty about looking at her phone. After all, you didn't mean to look in the first place and at the end of the day, if there had been nothing on it to hide, she wouldn't have made a fuss. I don't have any problem with my husband checking out my phone (if he ever wanted to but he wouldn't because he absolutely trusts me and has good reason to because I am absolutely trustworthy!) On the other hand, when I found out about him it was through an e-mail that he had accidentally left open on our computer from an e-mail address that I knew nothing about. I then started to check on other things (phone bills etc) and he went mad and went on at me about me not trusting him!! Fortunately, our youngest son (in his twenties at the time) was at home and suggested to his Dad that he prove to me that there was nothing to worry about by getting copies of the last 6 months phone bills and let me go through them as it was worth it if it would help me to trust him again. He did this - but then had to confess that I would be likely to find more by doing this. And what a lot more there was!! My husband now has to accept that there may be times that I feel a need to check up on him again - but this is only because he has abused my trust in the past and he now accepts this because he wants me to check up and find nothing untoward so that ultimately the trust is rebuilt. Your wife only got upset with you because she was hiding stuff. Its not like you have checked her phone in the past - so don't beat yourself up about it.
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Old 25th August 2010, 08:19 AM   #4
Raymond
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Re: Just found out my wife of 11 years is having an affair

The truth of the matter FB is that she cannot have her cake and eat it. She is on the edge of adultery even though it is a woman. Perhaps she picked this up from bad company or maybe some of it was in her already. The nature of marriage is that it will not work without faithfulness. If she is unsure of her commitment to you because of this other woman/women then obviously the sanctity of the marriage is in great danger. It could go either way but the marriage will not work with sex outside of marriage. If you try to make it work with that going on it just won't I'm afraid. I think you have to make a stand and challenge her to choose.

Raymond
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Old 25th August 2010, 08:53 AM   #5
chosen
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Re: Just found out my wife of 11 years is having an affair

I absolutely and totally agree with Raymond. She is acting appallingly and instead of you asking her what YOU need to do to change, it is HER who needs to stop this other relationship now and if necessary go to relate together. You were absolute right to check her phone if you suspected her. Dont accept any of her excuses,and if she wont stop this relationship then she needs to leave(not you)until she does. The internet is SO dangerous for married couples and I think she probably needs to stop going on there as well if she cant be trusted.
I am so sorry for what you are going through.
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Old 25th August 2010, 08:55 AM   #6
Fallout Boy
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Re: Just found out my wife of 11 years is having an affair

Thanks Mocamp and Richard, 2 different points of view. I do respect my wife and do want to give her, her space. I agree with Mo the tighter the grip the more she might become resentful. She has arranged to go out with a friend on Friday, one I know who is a Mormon, I don't think she is the one but my trust instincts have gone completely. I told her this morning that I was going to get councilling (she didn't seem to care much, it's like she is another person). I need to figure out how I can give her some space, maybe that means moving out for a while. I know it seems mad to say but I will probably miss her more than she will miss me, not to say the kids will be gutted I am away. I feel so hopeless at the moment.
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Old 25th August 2010, 09:54 AM   #7
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Re: Just found out my wife of 11 years is having an affair

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Originally Posted by chosen View Post
I absolutely and totally agree with Raymond. She is acting appallingly and instead of you asking her what YOU need to do to change, it is HER who needs to stop this other relationship now and if necessary go to relate together. You were absolute right to check her phone if you suspected her. Dont accept any of her excuses,and if she wont stop this relationship then she needs to leave(not you)until she does. The internet is SO dangerous for married couples and I think she probably needs to stop going on there as well if she cant be trusted.
I am so sorry for what you are going through.
Easier said than done I'm afraid. I am the only breadwinner at the moment and sometimes I have to work around the country meaning I have dont get home until late. We dont have any extended support network to speak of as my wife doesnt want to ask her parents who live near by to look after the kids and she doesnt like leaving the kids with other people. I feel this has been a contributing factor to our marriage being in crisis. We are being very civil to each other its not open hostility, there is just no love or affection from her end of the relationship. I also dont think the Internet is the issue as I am using the internet now to get support. I think her head has been turned by one of her new circle of friends, it may be a women who is in a similar marriage experience to ours making their bond against the world stronger. I think the fact its a women is at the crux of the matter because she is giving my wife something different from a heterosexual relationship, if it was a bloke I feel I could compete to win her back and probably take a stronger line. What is really concerning is my wife has some strong Christian beliefs (I myself am an agnostic) and this relationship has shocked me from that point of view. I would love to hear from people who had to deal with spouses who have engaged in a same sex relationship. How did they win them back, how did they deal with it. Just spoke to Relate and they have a waiting list (4weeks) so any input would be really helpful.
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Old 25th August 2010, 10:47 AM   #8
chosen
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Re: Just found out my wife of 11 years is having an affair

Even though her relationship is with a female it is still unfaithfullness and betrayal. You feel that you cant compete because she is a woman? She is just as dangerous as any man, and just as capable of destroying your marriage and her own marriage, and deeply hurting all the children involved.
As a Christian myself I can honestly say that she knows that what she is doing is very very wrong. You moving out is the worst thing you could do, and why should the children have to deal with that?
Why not ask her to go to relate with you? 4 weeks isnt that long. Why not say that she needs to stop this relationship? Honestly she is acting like a single woman and she is a married women with children.It may seem easier to let her do what she likes, but it may well get far far worse if you do nothing. As Lady Diana so famously said, there are three people in this marriage.

I would suggest that you go out together more, have a weekend away if you can, have time to reconnect, but nothing will work though until the other women is out of the picture.
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Old 25th August 2010, 11:29 AM   #9
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Re: Just found out my wife of 11 years is having an affair

I absolutely agree with Chosen that for her to have any kind of sexual relationship with this other woman would be wrong - and if she is a Christian she will know that it is if for no other reason than that she made vows to be faithful in marriage so for her to have a sexual relationship with anyone, male or female, will be wrong and breaking her vows.
However, I'm just not sure that taking a heavy-handed approach at this stage will work either. I wasn't suggesting that you should move out to give her physical space but that she needs some space mentally to sort herself out and really think through what is her real issue. I think it may be that she is feeling bored and trapped by what may seem to her as an unexciting life at the moment. I can remember when my children were young and my husband was out at work or away with work and it felt like he had all the excitement (and indeed he did in more ways than I knew!) and I just got the boring bits!! Now that my children have all left home and are happy and successful and nice people, I am really thankful that I put in that time, but it's not easy to see that reward when you're in the middle of it (and I do still feel resentment that my husband had his fun at my expense but thats a different issue!!). I think you just need to try to be as understanding as possible, ensure that you are concerned about what SHE is going through, and not just about how it is affecting YOU, whilst being clear that you cannot tolerate any overstepping of sexual boundaries with other people. But maybe explore ways that your life together can be more exciting for her. Make her feel valued and be clear how important her role is as a mother and how you appreciate that.

I know its not easy for you. I can't remember if it was on this thread that someone recommended the book called "If Only He Knew". I haven't read it but it is recommended as being good for men trying to understand what women need, so maybe that would help.

I could be completely wrong and this is all about sex and that you do need to take a tough line but I'm just not sure that at this stage this won't just reinforce any feeling that you just don't understand (which, of course, you don't!!)
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Old 25th August 2010, 01:06 PM   #10
Raymond
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Re: Just found out my wife of 11 years is having an affair

Whatever the marriage is like she still has responsibility for what she does. There are plenty of better things for a bored wife to do apart from what she is doing. Of course the marriage should be improved if possible. A lot of marriages should, but surely that is not carte blanche to do what she is doing?

She obviously has a problem and needs help, but does she want that? It is one thing to fight a problem, quite another to indulge it at the expense of your marriage.

I don't think one can pander to this, give it space or whatever.

Raymond
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Old 25th August 2010, 04:36 PM   #11
Fallout Boy
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Re: Just found out my wife of 11 years is having an affair

I just wonder if I am too late in so much as she she has started a sexual relationship and if I tell her to stop she will simply lie to me. She seems to be treating more as a live in friend but whenever I start a conversation about the affair she clams up and tells me to stop. I even thought of following her and her "friend" and finding out who her friends partner is(if she has one) and let him know, but why destroy more lives

I am back at work next week after this holiday so I am hoping with the kids back at school / nursery she will start feel a little freer. Mocamps has hit the nail on the head, she suggested our lives where in ruts and I agree with her. Work has always been my social outlet as I do a lot of networking to secure business. I ultimately do this for my family. I would whisk her away tomorrow if she would trust someone to look after the kids.

I dont believe in ultimatums as they can polarise and work for you as much as against you, I have lived my life by negotiation and finding common ground, I just think by taking a hard line I will push her away. I believe in forgiveness and understanding. I would forgive her tomorrow if I thought she was ending the affair. I would listen to her if she took the time to speak to me about whats going on in her head at the moment. I guess I just want her to open up to me that would be a start.

I am going to book us both to see a Relate councillor which has said she will attend with me in 4 weeks (a start !!). In the mean time can anyone recommend a good phone councilling service so I can at least speak to someone, thats one of the hardest things as I cant eat or sleep properly at the moment, things just keep going on and on around my mind if I could vocalise I might feel better.
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Old 25th August 2010, 06:13 PM   #12
chosen
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Re: Just found out my wife of 11 years is having an affair

I do know that relate have a phone counselling service, as my ex husband did speak to a guy there a few times on the phone when he left leave me. Sadly he didnt tell the guy why I asked him to leave so he couldnt really help without this very important fact.
This was 12 years ago, so you will need to ask if it is still available.

You need to do what you need to do. I wouldnt stay with a man who was unfaithful and wouldnt even have the decency to tell me what was going on or stop the relationship, but we are all different.

Have you got any family, like grandparents or aunts or uncles who could babysit for some evenings or who could have them for 2 days or so for you to spend some time together?
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Old 25th August 2010, 06:24 PM   #13
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Re: Just found out my wife of 11 years is having an affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen View Post
I do know that relate have a phone counselling service, as my ex husband did speak to a guy there a few times on the phone when he left leave me. Sadly he didnt tell the guy why I asked him to leave so he couldnt really help without this very important fact.
This was 12 years ago, so you will need to ask if it is still available.

You need to do what you need to do. I wouldnt stay with a man who was unfaithful and wouldnt even have the decency to tell me what was going on or stop the relationship, but we are all different.

Have you got any family, like grandparents or aunts or uncles who could babysit for some evenings or who could have them for 2 days or so for you to spend some time together?
I know what you mean but I may be being knieve here but I genuinely think she is climbing the walls.

The closest people are inlaws who are happy to have them for a couple of hours however a night doesnt seem to interest them, my youngest is a bit of a handfull.
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Old 25th August 2010, 06:56 PM   #14
chosen
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Re: Just found out my wife of 11 years is having an affair

The thing is that all marriages (and life itself) has slow patches and times when things seem to be in a rut, but having an affair isnt going to help and it may just loose the family that you have.
If she is going to be unfaithful to you every time you are in a 'rut', or she is bored, then I really feel for you.Children can be demanding, but what she is doing is only going to make her life worse, not better.Its all part of being a mum.No its often not exciting, but its life.

I do think you are making excuses for her behaviour, which concerns me, as I am not sure you can see how serious this is for your marriage.
If she thinks that you are allowing it, and that you will accept it, then why should she stop? She has no reason to. Also I do think that the other ladies husband/partner needs to know(if she has one). He should be aware that his wife is being unfaithful as well.

I may sounds harsh but I really have no patience for anyone who is unfaithful. Almost every marriage in my family and ex husbands family has been destroyed by affairs, and my husbands ex wife had an affair as well. There is no excuse for it. She has made a decision and there will be consequenses.
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Old 25th August 2010, 07:16 PM   #15
Mocamps
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Re: Just found out my wife of 11 years is having an affair

Are you sure that she has progressed to actually having a sexual relationship or is this just something she is moving towards and talking about with her 'friend'?

If you are sure that they are actually having sex then I think you DO need to be tougher because any advice that you read about recovering from an affair will tell you that the affair needs to stop before you will be able to make any progress towards recovery. My husband lied to me a lot after I found out (and made our situation much more difficult) but the one thing that kept me going was that I was as certain as I could ever have been that the actual infidelity had stopped. I think this needs to happen for you too though I know that you will find that issuing an ultimatum is difficult - but you do have to think about yourself too. I joined a group called Beyond Affairs Network and this allowed me to talk about my situation as much as I needed to (which I seemed to need to do a lot at the time) There were only 4 of us in our group but we all supported each other really well. I found that I could talk more easily to members of the group because they were in similar situations and could empathise but didn't actually know my husband. The problem I found with talking to close friends and family is that if you do manage to recover your relationship from this, they then have to deal with their feelings towards your spouse. This has definitely caused a problem for my sister so is worth bearing in mind.
If you want to give me a rough idea of where in the country you live, I can try to find a BAN group for you if you like.
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