Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Chapel
University
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre

Contents
Articles
Books
CDs / Videos
Tips
Services

Resources
Forums
Membership
Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us

Search

Take the Couple Check-up!

Marriage Week UK

Marriage first aid

Online support for your marriage

Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet


Home > Forums
2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums  

Go Back   2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums > Advice > Marriage Help

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 20th August 2010, 12:22 PM   #1
tom72
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 6
ive left my wife but is it what i really want!?

Hi all,

Last night i walked out on my wife, its was the hardest think ive ever done. Let me put you in the picture. we met not that long ago (march 2008), we had a rocky relationship, ive never had a serious relationship so maybe i didnt know how to take things but she would ofter sneekly look through my phone, email, facebook etc. i wouldnt of minded just she made up the most ridiculous storys or ideas from anything and we got in arguments about it. I became protective over things which probably looked bad but it was to save arguments. If she had even seen that a female had tried to add me as a friend she would flip and interigate me and id have no idea because i wouldnt have even looked who it was yet. Shes very articulate with her words and i am not, i get frustrated when we argue because i cant get my words out and my mind blanks so its all one way at me untill i flip and start shouting then end up upset and walking off. She twists everything i say and turns it against me. she talks to her mum about everything everynight yet i phone my mum rarely and she always hates me for telling her anything about problems we or ive had especially about money. Anyway sorry im ranting on.

She was very insecure and i feel shes caused me so much emotional abuse... but we did love each other, we had good times and bad times as any couple. We got married in may 2009 and were happier than ever but it all seemed to be going so fast. Im in the RAF and we moved into a small quarter togther, before we knew it we were trying for a baby she wanted it and i said its what i wanted too, but i feel shes pushed for it to try and keep us together. Shes 14 weeks pregnant. I love this baby and want to be there for it but i dont know if i can do it as a family. It is so hard because im so emotionally attached to her.and im scared for the safety of our baby to be.

Just recently things came to a head and large rows insued. We went to a marriage consellor to start sorting thing out but after the first session she wanted to go home and continue talking on our own, i didnt because i knew what was giong to happen. Anyway we sat and she started talking, she said that shes made all the sacrifices, moving 200 miles south with me, being away from her family, accepting my job ( i have to go to afghanistan for 2 months in every 10), leaving uni and giving the pets back to her family ( 2dogs and 2 cats). giving the pets back was something i suggested purely because we have no space in the house, its such a financial drain and i worry about the babys health with dirty carpets and cats getting upstairs into the cot etc. if we kept one of the dogs i wouldnt mind. I havent got anything to sacrifice really, i dot mind being away from family, ive not got much else apart from my job and thats providing us the house and food. Im giving up my one hobby, my classic car for the money. She says having the pets for her is the same as her accepting my job.

Then she started explaining how she doesnt want to be associated with my friends (who are good people), people from or around the RAF (including me sometimes) because they are un educated, she said she want to meet people who are higher the me, more intellectual that she can have dinner partys with but that i would show her up. Ive tried to change for her but im never good enough, im not happy to loose all my family, friends and who i am for her. shes made it quite clear im scum and shes trying to "pick me out of the gutter" which was and insult. So ive had it and left, her emotions ran riot and she pleaded with me, i didnt feel ok to walk out on her so i went back for fear she may do something stupid or hurt the baby. eventually she calmed and it turned to anger, i stayed calm and was glad in a way she was angry because i felt she was mentally safer that way. Shes now at her parents and im at mine but im starting to feel more and more guilty, did i do the right thing? should i let her dominate my life, that way we would have a family but argue a lot? Should i have waited out for more conselling sessions? it would be emotional torture for me but id be able to be with the baby.

I still love her and i really just want to hold her and its all my fault, ive left her! but if i go back will things be worse than ever? She now has something else to bring up in the future and manipulate me with. What do i do?

Many Thanks, Tom
tom72 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20th August 2010, 12:58 PM   #2
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: ive left my wife but is it what i really want!?

I think there is a communication problem. I would say do not give up so easily. Adapting to each other can be difficult but it does come when there is patience, forgiveness and above all love, not just the feeling.

I think you ought to go back and sort the differences. I think you ought compromise over the pets. Say two or something. She seems to have given up a lot to be with you. She cannot think you are scum as she wants to stay with you. Maybe she is a bit snobby. These things fall away in time if you relate well.

You will probably find you both have faults and will need to bear with each other and loosen up a bit. Marriage is a great shaper and will mould you into better people if you let it. You need to write down what you have told us but not in anger. When you can say it and not feel anger only communication then that is the time to write it. You both need to build and not tear down. You can only handle your faults not hers. If you want to affect her deeply then love her and look after her. That will change her in the long run. If you are looking for the perfect woman forget it. They all have faults as we have. Normally they work on their marriages far better than the husbands so there is hope. Go back to her, sort out the problems and try and love her. Don't let your child grow up in this world fatherless. There is enough of that going on.

For her part the main thing is to respect you but I can't tell her that. Maybe she checks on your contact with women because she has seen how devastating affairs can be. She loves you and values what she has. Let her know by your life that you are faithful and overcome her distrusts. Tell her you love her.

Raymond
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20th August 2010, 05:47 PM   #3
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: ive left my wife but is it what i really want!?

Goodness from what you said, I have to wonder why she wanted to marry you if she thinks this little of you. She desperately needs to grow up, leave her mum and cleave to you. Her mum, if she was a good mum, should be telling her this as well.

Having a baby is probably the worst thing you could have done at this time, but its too late for that now so you need to get on with it. I think you need to insist that you both go to marriage counselling long term, as clearly this isnt something that you can sort on your own. I am sorry as she sounds like a woman who is very hard to please and high maintenance, but I guess you did choose to marry her so you must love her a lot.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20th August 2010, 06:08 PM   #4
Helen_uk
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 1,531
Re: ive left my wife but is it what i really want!?

Sounds to me as though she wants to isolate you from everyone , she has trust issues and I'm wondering why this is ?

He behaviour toward you from the start has been one of insecurity so obviously not caused by something you've done . Has she had a problematic relationship prior to meeting you ?

As for picking you up out of the gutter, that's a strange attitude to have. She's acting as though she's married beneath herself and I wonder if that's coming from her or whether someone else in her life ( parents perhaps ) have shown some disappointment in her choice of husband. Do you get on with her family ? What are they like toward you ?

You now have a child on the way which is a huge complication as you've barely had time to get to know each other.

It's a fact that you can't change someone but nor are you responsible for her , her behaviour is down to her. You have to make the choice as to whether or not you can live with it .

Maybe leaving things as they are , with you being apart , will give her a little time to think about her behaviour and if she'd agree to counselling that would be a start . Without some outside help I think it's going to be very difficult to sort things out.
Helen_uk is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20th August 2010, 06:11 PM   #5
koliver0821
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: ive left my wife but is it what i really want!?

hmmmm. OK heres the deal my friend. Listen well. You sounds like me say about 8 years ago. I was 2 years into marriage. 1 kid and 1 on the way. My wife was constantly up my rear regarding any female. Whether I knew them or not. It was very emotionally draining. Im sure you can understand where I am coming from. In truth, it was noticeable even before we were married. At first, I took her insecurity as her way of showing love for me. As the years past, I began resenting it. That resentment caused me to talk down to her. Not a good thing.

Going back to her insecurity. I too, would often lie about little things just to save an argument. Like I said, it was too emotionally draining to fight over something I really thought was trivial. I mean, a woman who was interested in my brother called me and I got the third degree. I was the one who introduced my brother to her. yet my wife still grilled me.

Why am I telling you this? Well this insecurity can also be viewed in a completely different light if you take a step back. If she's wondering if you are cheating on her/talking to other woman/ etc? what does that mean? My wifes little joke. Everytime we would say i love you, she would say do you? And I would say of course I do. Well guess what? it wasnt a joke. she just didnt have the heart to tell me. You know why? To save an argument.

Why I am saying this is that she may not know how much you love her. I know it sounds screwed up. It took my wife separating from me to figure that out. Of course, I also learned another thing. my wife stopped acting all insecure. I thought I had finally made headway. I stopped talking down to her. Thought things were going well. Turns out, she had already cut herself off from me emotionally. she had cheated on me and was looking for a way out.

She has since changed her tune. We are back together going stronger than ever. But one thing is very important. You need to talk to her and let her know what is going on. Sometimes arguments occur.

The resentment between you two needs to be broken down. No matter what way the relationship goes. You have a child coming and need to act accordingly. Don't leave her when the going gets rough. I think part of the reason she is insulting you is because of the resentment she has of you. Women are funny that way. my wife constantly insulted me knowing full well that it would get a reaction out me. Im not sure if she wanted me to explode to justify her actions or just to spark a conversation.

Your question about counselling. Only when you are ready. I think it might be a wise idea to have you both go individually. (more so her) Im not sure of her background not surprisingly, her parents relationship could have shaped her views on marriage.
  Reply With Quote
Old 20th August 2010, 07:18 PM   #6
tom72
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 6
Re: ive left my wife but is it what i really want!?

Thanks everyone for you input.

To answer a couple of questions, she did have a relationship before me that caused here to be very insecure, her ex had constantly lied about drugs, hiding it from her etc she wanted to help him but he kept hiding it. Im hoping she isnt moulded by her parents marriage because its awful. Her dad gets treated like a lap dog, sure he gets fed fine but hes totally dominated by his wife and by mine when we were there, he could never get a word in.

At the moment im still feeling anger for the things she has said, sadness because i miss her and scared that my dreams of family life are shattered. I want to give my baby a good life, loved and cared for.

I havent talked to her much since i left but my feelings are calming down and
im starting to think straight. Some time apart will do me good and maybe her. I think I want to save our marriage but so much would have to change first.

Thanks everyone. Tom
tom72 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 21st August 2010, 11:01 AM   #7
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: ive left my wife but is it what i really want!?

We all bring our baggage and expectations from the past into our marriages as well as good things. It is not her fault the way her past has shaped her but it is up to her what she does with it and up to you what you do with yours. We can still finish well by doing the right things. You two have been brought together from very different backgrounds and adjustment will be happening. The marriage can be a different entity and can help you both to succeed in life provided you do not give up. You need to make your points but as I said not in anger. We all tend to clam up when people address us in anger but we listen when they genuinely tell us how they feel in an attitude of respect and love. That kind of talking needs to be cultivated even if it takes counsellors to arrange it.

Raymond
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 21st August 2010, 06:30 PM   #8
Helen_uk
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 1,531
Re: ive left my wife but is it what i really want!?

Does your wife realize that her trust issues are caused by her ex's behaviour ? How long had there been before that relationship and her relationship with you ?

Fundamentally we all need time to heal between relationships, even more so if it was abusive or unstable . It's very difficult to get over problems with trust and entering a new relationship too quickly makes us inclined to drag those issues with us.

If she is aware of her problems then there's a great chance they can be worked on and if she can be persuaded into personal counselling it will help her deal with it.

As she is now pregnant her hormones are going to be all over the place and as she's already having problems that's not going to help, so I think she needs some outside support, do you think she'd consider talking to a counsellor ? I'd be very wary of allowing her mum to be her only shoulder to cry on as it sounds like she has a very low regard for men herself.

She obviously comes from a family where the male , her dad, is emasculated and likely thinks this is the norm , I guess your job ( if you choose to remain together ) is to show her how a normal, healthy EQUAL marriage works. You can do this by being firm but kind and not allowing her to take control of the way the marriage works. Setting some boundaries with regard to respect would be worth a go. For instance if you find she's checked through your mobile , try telling her you'd appreciate she tells you if she wants to look at it , you've nothing to hide but if she's feeling suspicious you'd appreciate a chance to set her mind at rest. It's a long term commitment, but then so is marriage.....

Good luck.

Helen
Helen_uk is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th August 2010, 09:42 PM   #9
koliver0821
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: ive left my wife but is it what i really want!?

Her trust issues are caused more likely by her parents issues. They were just compounded by her ex's behavior. Helen is right. As long as you can take a breathe before talking to her about the trust issues. If she starts rushing through your phone and you get defensive for because you think she is controlling, it gives her the sense that you are hiding something. Just little clues.

However, This is it in a nutshell.

Men need to be respected. Women need to be loved or appreciated. (Well technically we all need to be loved). The problem right now in your relationship is that since she doesnt appear to have respect for you, you resent her which consequently, causes you not to love her as much (at all, etc).
  Reply With Quote
Old 4th September 2010, 12:01 PM   #10
tom72
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 6
Re: ive left my wife but is it what i really want!?

hi everyone

We have been back together a week or so now and been happy for most, im trying to work things out and move on but she keeps bringing things back up, expecting me to talk to my family, tell them she is amazing and for them to take back everything that was said but no matter what i do or say shes not happy about any of it and we end up arguing. She basically always expects me to be the one groveling for our relationship well im fed up, angry and its all happening again. i feel so angry and upset i just want to move on and be happy but she cant help dragging things up just to win an argument.

tom
tom72 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th September 2010, 05:25 PM   #11
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: ive left my wife but is it what i really want!?

Why not tell her that you want to agree once and for all that the past is in the past and neither of you should bring it up again.Its hard to see how you will move forward if she is always bringing up the past.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28th September 2010, 11:58 AM   #12
tom72
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 6
Re: ive left my wife but is it what i really want!?

Actually the truth is I cheated on my partner twice when I first met her. I had a one night stand and I didnt want her to find out so i kept lying to her about stuff.In the end i came clean and she is now a very insecure person because she always had doubts about me then i proved her right. I have a drink problem and have done stupid things through drink like driving drunk,weeing on the landing or on a skiing holiday with mates i was in the road in a heap so someone must have called an ambulance.I called her from abroad and woke her early hours of the morning to tell her i was in hospital,she was worried sick,i was so drunk all i kept saying was id hurt my ribs but id got to get out of there.Then one time i was drinking again and didnt know when to stop so she said she was going home and left me at her friends house because she had,had enough. She was pregnant at the time and i was furious,so i got a taxi back to her mums where we were staying and lost it.I wanted the car to drive home although i was drunk.she wouldnt let me,she tried to stop me and got in the car.i drove off like a maniac and said i was going to kill us all,she didnt have her seatbelt on and was begging me to stop saying think of the baby,but i wouldnt,she said she loved me over and over,i still wouldnt stop.then finally i did,she was sick at her feet,she got out and drove us home and told me to go to bed,her mum was upset,i flipped again and punched the bedroom door then wrestled with her mum on the landing then i punched in the door in the lounge and threw stuff about and ran out saying i was going to kill myself.The police were called, but she protected me and wouldnt tell the police about me drink driving because of my job.But i still left her and went back to my mum to talk and tell her why i was so unhappy.my mum said there must be a reason for me to act like this,so i thought it must be my wifes fault and slagged her off to my mum who alo agreed with everything.she even rang my wife and slagged her off over the phone.my mum has had it in for her from the start to be honest,she has always said hurtful things to her.but i guess i dont notice them. her family forgave me although i bet they still might hate me,but my family wont speak to her still.she thinks my friends are scum because they are vulgar and dont really respect women,they like drinking their own sick and urine for fun and they talk about their partners sex lives in a vulgar way which degrades them to their face. a friend said at a wedding to his partner in front of a load of people and elderly folk that when he goes down on her,her anus winks and when she gets really excited even a bit of poo comes out.my wife didnt like this and doesnt like other things they say which we all just laugh at.i cant understand why she thinks my mates are beneath her and are vulgar? i loose my temper a lot and have smashed things up in the house, so i better not say anymore or i might lose it.
tom72 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28th September 2010, 01:17 PM   #13
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: ive left my wife but is it what i really want!?

I agree with her 100%. Your mates do act vulgar and she should never have to endure the crowd you knock around with. The miracle is that she is still with you to be honest. Your family doesn't like her because of what you have said about her. It is up to you to put that right.

What is your view on being faithful Tom?

I think maybe she is not a snob at all. Because she doesn't want to knock around with vulgar people does not make her a snob.

I think it is wrong to blame her for you behavioural and drinking problems. You are responsible for your own behaviour. I think sorting out that will go a long way to solving some of the marital problems you are having.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28th September 2010, 01:27 PM   #14
Helen_uk
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 1,531
Re: ive left my wife but is it what i really want!?

It seems you've given us a lot more info than you did in your original post and I wonder why that is ? It's almost like a different person writing.

I'd have to concur with your wife regarding your friends being vulgar , it might seem like a laugh to you but I doubt even a 12 year old boy would find it funny to discuss such intimate things in such a vulgar way with elderly relatives at a family wedding. This being the case I can understand why your wife feels this way.

As to your drink driving , even you must see that would be enough to give anyone serious cause for concern ? Driving off with your wife in the car when you've been drinking and she doesn't have on a seatbelt amounts to at least idiocy and at worst attempted murder.

I'm struggling to see why your wife would want to stay with a man who puts her life at risk and puts more importance on having a laugh with his mates and getting drunk than thinking about her feelings .

When your partner cheats it has long reaching effects on your self esteem , if it wasn't all brought out into the open when it happened and you didn't show true remorse then it's no wonder she feels insecure.

What exactly is it you want ? Forgiveness ? To brush it all under the carpet ? Have you changed ? Stopped drinking ? Stopped losing your temper and smashing things up ? Stopped allowing your mates to disrespect women in your hearing ? If your behaviours remain the same then I can't see why your wife would want to be with you.
Helen_uk is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th September 2010, 12:07 AM   #15
So alone
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: ive left my wife but is it what i really want!?

Hi tom72,


I will try again as last night my pc went up the swanny, (as did I when I realised it hadn't saved what I had spent an hour and a half typing....)

I have just re read your very first post on this thread (above) and would like to quote you on some things you said. This is not going to be an assault to pull you down but a chance for you to see yourself with some clear vision from a different viewpoint. Hopefully to change things for the better. Like Helen says, you're latest post does indeed sound like that of a totally different person. Sounds very like my husband in fact. Your immature behaviour, drink problem and absolving any responsibility sounds very very familiar to me.

You say that you found it odd and off putting that your wife would check your facebook, phone email etc and couldn't explain why she would act so insecure. Your last post you say that you cheated on her, TWICE and then lied through your back teeth about it.
In your first post you said 'Then she started explaining how she doesn't want to be associated with my friends (who are good people), well from your last post they don't sound like very good people to me at all. You ignore the bits you don't agree with. Your mother is similar in how she views you, hence why she 'blames' your wife and never liked her from the beginning. You quote that you rarely speak to your mum, we now know that's not entirely an accurate picture. I could continue to quote all the discrepancies in your first post but there is no need as I think my point is made.

The problem/s lay with you. Not her.

Sure she has some issues but they are of your making and therefore of your solving. You need to accept all of them, yes all of them, from your immature and lewd behaviour to showing your love how she needs it and do the work required and in turn she will quite likely follow.

The main issue in doing this is a simple one but the most hardest you will ever find to accept.
You are insecure. Your mother is insecure too. It is likely you have not dealt with emotional things in your life or have been brought up to do so. Where is your father? You seem to be most comfortable with dysfunction. Your mother hasn't taught you to be an adult. Why have you never had a serious relationship? Are you afraid of true commitment? It certainly appears that way. What are you avoiding? Why have you not put your wife first? And the times when you have do you not realise all that is undone the very moment you behave like a pathetic jerk? Why do you sabotage love? Do you understand love? All this drunken behaviour sounds like you are some immature teenager with an axe to grind. I will bet you are a fully grown man though.

The reason you do not want to face your insecurity is because in doing so may mean you will also have to deal with things you will not like. Things that are too uncomfortable to bear. Like your friends/family have not been a very good influence. Things that will take you out of your comfort zone and into an alien world. You will probably feel shame and anger if you ever did take a leap of faith but most of all (and worst of all) you will feel out of control. You act so careless and immature because you are afraid. Fear is what drives you. However, that is therefore precisely what you must face if you wish to change this situation. You know what you are afraid of if you think about things on your own for a moment. Life is not a dress rehearsal. Your life is now. I am certain you will understand this point from being in the RAF.
Your wife must be a saint to still even give you the time of day for just one of things you have done.

To change means to accept responsibility and then put it into practice. Can you do this? Your child in your wifes tummy needs a role model. Your wife needs a man. A man who is able to face his fears and share them with her through life. You want to be that man, because if you didn't you wouldn't be here.

Ever so slightly more important than all of that though is you. You need yourself. From all that you have written I gather that you do not like you. There are parts that do not sit comfortable, parts that you don't want to think about and mostly parts that you push under the rug.


Acknowledge your fears and change.

Stop allowing your emotional fear to dictate and be an excuse foryour behaviour.
You know that true love and happiness await you when you can do this.

x
  Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 04:23 PM.


Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


Top

Copyright ©1999-2024 2-in-2-1 Limited. All rights reserved. Disclaimer