Husband has been internet cheating please help

I found out on thursday my husband has been having a series of internet e-mail and chat relationships with different women he has met through an internet poker game and one ex wife of a work colleague this has been going on for at least 2 years he says he can't remember! andwith 6 women that iknoe off. Pictures have been exchanged on both sides of variouspornographicc images which i now can't get out ofmy head and chat text sex has happened he swears he hasn't ever met any of them and that he had actually stopped it all before xmas a whole month ago! when confronted he didn't deny just got very sorry and scaredi would leave him he has said it was all just a bit of fun that got out of hand i'm finding tis hard to belive as its so many different women and over such a long time although he as deleted them now until friday they were all still friends on facebook. Ifeel so lost and hurt and betrayed i don't know what to do i thoughtwe had a pretty good marriagesex life not brill but not bad he had a lack of interest unless initiated by me but thought it was because we were both tired we work shifts have small child ect ect ect! Last year hismobile bill went astronomical and when confronted about unknown numbers said it was old work friend sister then said he didn't know andthat i was paranoid andshould trust him and how hurt he was that i didn't made me feel a bit stupid for thinking he would do anything to jepordise our marriage and how much he loved me, he has now addmitted that these texts were all part of the relationships with these women so i now also feel i can't quite trust what he is saying now he's lied before whats to say he isn't still lieing now. I don't know what to do i don't want to lose my family i love him so much bet this is so goddamn painful right now. Please help.

[Helen_uk]

It is painful.. I know.. I've been there . Your H needs to know that this is cheating and it hurts. Just because he didn't PHYSICALLY do anything with these women it doesn't make it ok.

I also got told I was paranoid and made to feel in the wrong . I then got told it wouldn't happen again, he loved me more than anything in this world ...... it did happen, repeatedly and I became obsessed with checking up on him , telling myself if I found nothing I'd stop.. I never found nothing and eventually found he had physically cheated too.

You have to make a decision Hurting. Much of this will depend on how well you know your H . How remorseful he is , how open he's prepared to be. The internet cheating has to STOP . The text messages have to STOP. No excuses from him. If he doesn't value you enough to stop then you have to decide if your marriage is worth the heatache his behaviour will continue to bring.

I really feel for you , it's horrible . Don't allow him to turn this around onto you . You weren't paranoid and he has cheated . If he can admit this much you might have a chance.

Big hugs to you.

Helen

[Johnee S]

HiH I went through the same thing with my Ex after 16 years together 14 married, 3 kids, a home, and our friendship of 20 years. Things id not work out for her an I because she had left me emotionally years ago when she first started the internet affairs. I fought long and hard, took more for the family then she deserved. Our kid needed us both in their lives and I thought I needed her in mine to keep the family together and happy.

Today I look back at my former marriage and I can say without a doubt for me anyways leaving herwas the best thing I could have done for her, my kids, our families, and for me. After her first affair i never trusted her again, in some regard she gained most of my trust, only to break it 2 more times in the 5 years since it started.

Prepare yourelf for letting go and moving on, however equally prepare yourself for the slim chance he may repent and devote himself to rebuilding your marraige. Read the sticky Dave made.

Thank you both for your replies he is very sorry and petrified of me leaving he seems to be ashamed and it seems he has realised what it is he has done to me but it is hard to believe at the moment he says he is willing to go for counselling and to do anything it takes to save our family but i don't know what this is. I feel as if i need him to move out of the house for a wjile but also have a feeling this may make trust issues even harder to deal with but i don't think i can cope seeing him to much at the moment. I don't know if this will help us or kill us completely, i think it could possibly be a fresh start for us go back to the beggining start dating again see if it helps us remember what we had in the start i'm scared to ask him to do this though we've been married for 6 and a half years and together for 8 the thought of him not being there is so wierd. I realy just want someone to tell me what to do i know that can't happen it has to be my choice but any advice would be good.

[Raymond]

I think it all depends on whether you have got his repentance. If you have it will mean changed actions and a real turnaround. Repentance is different from remorse. Remorse can mean you are sorry you got caught. I think you have good signs from him. He obviously values his marriage to you, which could be his motivation for wanting to change. I think asking him to move out could leave him open to drifting back into that stuff.

We don't really know how deep he was into this,whether he did pornography or anything. If he has that will be a much harder thing to get free of but it can be done.

If it is only on the level that he says it was, he might just turn it around. You will know in the coming weeks whether he means what he says. If he is changing he may have a few slips back but if his feet are pointing the right way he will overcome in the end.

I think you have to give him a chance to regain your trust which will mean keeping the gates of his eyes and ears clean from that stuff.

If there is no sign of change after a reasonable period then you have to do what you think is right.

Raymond