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Old 25th August 2010, 07:27 PM   #16
Fallout Boy
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Re: Just found out my wife of 11 years is having an affair

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Originally Posted by Mocamps View Post
Are you sure that she has progressed to actually having a sexual relationship or is this just something she is moving towards and talking about with her 'friend'?

If you are sure that they are actually having sex then I think you DO need to be tougher because any advice that you read about recovering from an affair will tell you that the affair needs to stop before you will be able to make any progress towards recovery. My husband lied to me a lot after I found out (and made our situation much more difficult) but the one thing that kept me going was that I was as certain as I could ever have been that the actual infidelity had stopped. I think this needs to happen for you too though I know that you will find that issuing an ultimatum is difficult - but you do have to think about yourself too. I joined a group called Beyond Affairs Network and this allowed me to talk about my situation as much as I needed to (which I seemed to need to do a lot at the time) There were only 4 of us in our group but we all supported each other really well. I found that I could talk more easily to members of the group because they were in similar situations and could empathise but didn't actually know my husband. The problem I found with talking to close friends and family is that if you do manage to recover your relationship from this, they then have to deal with their feelings towards your spouse. This has definitely caused a problem for my sister so is worth bearing in mind.
If you want to give me a rough idea of where in the country you live, I can try to find a BAN group for you if you like.
I am in the North West. You maybe right it does seem a bit soon for her to progress to this stage, its was just the sexually explicit text she had on her phone that got me thinking the relationship was sexual. Like I said when I confronted her about it she couldnt talk about it so maybe, its just that I am struggling to cope with all this. I must say I feel exhausted by it all it feels like my head is about to explode but finding this forum is helping a little. I just need to talk to some one about it I have even considered taling to The Samaritans.
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Old 25th August 2010, 07:59 PM   #17
Mocamps
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Re: Just found out my wife of 11 years is having an affair

Unfortunately there only seems to be a London e-mail but it may be worth e-mailing them to see if there are any other groups in your area. It is an American organisation and some of their material is a bit Americanized but obviously the people in my group were from the UK so we just used what was useful. The main benefit was in meeting the others and having a safe place to offload!
The website is http://www.beyondaffairs.com/BAN_support_groups.htm
If you go to the UK on the list there is an e-mail for the London coordinator. There are also some articles that I found useful at the time.

Also, Chosen is correct in saying that Relate do online and phone counselling. There are numerous other telephone counselling services but they are all expensive and I don't know how good they are. I would be sceptical about some as they may just be after your money. I didn't ever find that with BAN but I guess I was lucky with the group of people that I met.

If you are desperate do phone Samaritans. Or if you believe in the power of prayer, you can call on UCB Prayerline

0845 456 7729 (UK Local Rate Call). I used this when I was at the end of my tether and felt that I needed some extra prayer. I spoke at length to a very kind woman who then prayed for me. But I know you said that you are agnostic.

Hope you find someone to help
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Old 25th August 2010, 09:42 PM   #18
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Re: Just found out my wife of 11 years is having an affair

Thanks Mocamps I need it this whole thing is just eating away at me.
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Old 26th August 2010, 08:55 AM   #19
Raymond
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Re: Just found out my wife of 11 years is having an affair

I am tending to agree with Chosen on this. One cannot negotiate with unfaithfulness. One can negotiate anything else but that. That it the thing that will cut into the heart of your intimacy and weaken or destroy the marriage. I would have liked to see a bit more right anger. I don't think treating her like a patient will help unless she wants to do the right thing.

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Old 26th August 2010, 09:44 AM   #20
Mocamps
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Re: Just found out my wife of 11 years is having an affair

I do absolutely agree with Raymond that you should not sit back and tolerate it if she is actually being unfaithful but I'm not totally sure what is going on here. Reading the original posts it seems to me that it could be one of a number of things but not having seen the texts it is difficult to know which.

It could be that she is having a full-blown affair with either a male or a female (is there any way of knowing if the text ACTUALLY came from a female?) In this case, I think a tough stance is definitely needed and no way should you move out. She needs an ultimatum that either she stops and you see some commitment to rebuilding your relationship, or she goes and leaves you to move on with your life and work out whats best for you and your children.

On the other hand, it could be that she is wavering in the marriage (for whatever reason) and is being tempted by this person to enter into an affair. And Yes, she still needs to know that you will not tolerate any such infidelity, but if it hasn't got to the affair stage, I think there is more of a need to try to understand what is at the root of the problem, and she DOES need to work out what she wants because otherwise she will drift on feeling uncertain and dissatisfied and that is a recipe for disaster. She needs to be fully committed to the marriage for it to work long-term for both of you. And she needs to KNOW that she is committed or it will build into resentment and frustration and ultimately may lead to an affair further down the line if she isn't having one now. Thats where I think she needs the understanding and supportive approach, at least for a short time, so that hopefully she can see that her marriage is what is really worth fighting for.

But bottom line is that any continuing infidelity should not be tolerated and this current situation can't go on for too long as it isn't good for either of you and it certainly isn't good for the children who will be feeling insecure however hard you try to hide it from them - and that will lead to bad behaviour and exacerbate your problems.
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Old 26th August 2010, 11:18 AM   #21
tom72
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Re: Just found out my wife of 11 years is having an affair

This sounds like a tricky situation your in. it sounds like you have already faced up to what you want, you said you would forgive her tomorrow if she dropped the affair but would it would be hard to forget. If it was me i might have been able to forgive a one night stand or mistake but a relationship i would struggle. I agree with raymond, chosen and mocamps but mocamps did mention a book on what women want. Saying that is almost an excuse for her to do it and say "you dont give me what i want, thats why i did it". Well if she wanted something else she should have talked to you before hand and tried to find a way to sort things out and give her what she wants. If it was something she wanted and you couldnt give her (same sex relationship) then she should forget about it or make the hard choice, stand up and leave. Now she has hurt you, it will soon affect your childeren if its allowed to carry on, she has been selfish and its selfish to just clam up. She must talk to you about it, theres no way you can repair things if she doesnt confront it. If she thinks she can continue to lie to you and have an affair with this woman then she probably will whilst you begging for her back all the time. Id confront her again and yes probably give her an ultimatum else the pain will go on longer.

Sorry its a bit one sided, all from my view if it was me so may not be helpful or how you feel about things but i had to voice them.
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Old 26th August 2010, 12:16 PM   #22
chosen
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Re: Just found out my wife of 11 years is having an affair

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This sounds like a tricky situation your in. it sounds like you have already faced up to what you want, you said you would forgive her tomorrow if she dropped the affair but would it would be hard to forget. If it was me i might have been able to forgive a one night stand or mistake but a relationship i would struggle. I agree with raymond, chosen and mocamps but mocamps did mention a book on what women want. Saying that is almost an excuse for her to do it and say "you dont give me what i want, thats why i did it". Well if she wanted something else she should have talked to you before hand and tried to find a way to sort things out and give her what she wants. If it was something she wanted and you couldnt give her (same sex relationship) then she should forget about it or make the hard choice, stand up and leave. Now she has hurt you, it will soon affect your childeren if its allowed to carry on, she has been selfish and its selfish to just clam up. She must talk to you about it, theres no way you can repair things if she doesnt confront it. If she thinks she can continue to lie to you and have an affair with this woman then she probably will whilst you begging for her back all the time. Id confront her again and yes probably give her an ultimatum else the pain will go on longer.

Sorry its a bit one sided, all from my view if it was me so may not be helpful or how you feel about things but i had to voice them.
Tom I tend to agree with you that people do excuse their behaviour saying that their spouse didnt meet their 'needs', and that is so painful and so awful for the one who is being cheated onto to also to be told they are to blame. My husbands ex did that,saying that he didnt meet her 'emotional needs' and apparently that was her excuse to have an affair with a 3 times divorced man, who apparenlty didnt meet her needs either because they broke up 2 months after the divorce was completed.We are all imperfect and no one person can ever meet all of our needs and they arent supposed to. No one person can make our lives exciting all the time, life just isnt like that.

An affair is a decision, and we can excuse it all we like but its still a choice to cheat or not.I know some amazing people whose spouses had affairs, my mum being one of them. She adored my dad, she was so loving and giving to him, she was the nicest person you could meet, and yet he still had affairs, one lasting 8 years till her death. He claimed to love her but if you love someone you dont treat them like that surely? My brother is also a lovely person,kind, patient and a brilliant dad, and his wife had 4 affairs. She just didnt think that faithfullness was all that important and she is now married to the man who she had the 4th affair with.

To be cheated on is bad enough, but to then be told that it was somehow your fault is not right. Yes every marriage can be worked on and improved I am sure, but that isnt an excuse to betray our spouse.
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Old 26th August 2010, 01:14 PM   #23
Mocamps
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Re: Just found out my wife of 11 years is having an affair

Hi Tom and Chosen,
Please don't get me wrong. I'm really not suggesting that this is somehow FB's fault!! I absolutely do not!!

The book, as I understand it, is about helping to understand a woman's emotional NEEDS and not about giving her everything she WANTS. I did say that I haven't read it but have heard a number of recommendations for it.

So please don't misunderstand that I am trying to excuse FBs wife's behaviour, but I do know a number of people who have managed to salvage a relationship after infidelity and when going through counselling have been able to gain a better understanding of each other's needs and this has helped to rebuild the relationship. I totally agree that infidelity is not excusable but gaining a better understanding of how to communicate and recognize when someone has emotional needs that are not being met is surely a good thing, don't you think? If this book is as good as some people say, I surely wish my husband would read it!! - have ordered a copy and will let you know what I think when I have read it!!
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Old 26th August 2010, 01:27 PM   #24
Raymond
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Re: Just found out my wife of 11 years is having an affair

FB You have been happily married for the last eleven years and now this in the last six weeks. I would say your wife has fallen into a powerful temptation. Maybe this was latent in her but somehow it has come to the fore through these women. Goodness knows what they have been up to and what they have been saying but they seemed to have got through to your wife. If she could cut off this group and cut off the facebook associations of it she would have a better chance of dealing with it.

I suspect that possibly this was not a sudden thing and she could have been feeding it from the internet. I don't know. She says she doesn't know what she wants but it is clear to us on here that a wrong choice would have a dire affect on your marriage. Whether she thinks that the choice would be to leave you or whether she thinks she can have them and you I don't know. You could even have given her that impression by the lenient view you seem to have of it.

What we all see here is a marriage in danger through possible adultery. That it can be a woman/women is highly unusual but it would still be sexual unfaithfulness and it would be the same as me having sex with others then going home to my wife. That would be devastating and I know if I ever did that things would never be the same again.

It is in your interest to confront this as strongly as you can. I think the more leeway you give it the harder it will be to get closure on it.

Raymond
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Old 27th August 2010, 02:37 PM   #25
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Re: Just found out my wife of 11 years is having an affair

Just like to thank you all for your advice. I was working pretty late yesterday and phoned my wife to say she should stay up and settle this once and for all. When I got home she was already in a bit of a state. She tried to get the upper hand dictating how I should speak but she got the message pretty soon I meant business and was angry. I was pretty hard on her to be fair, insisting I had a right to know the truth of the relationship and how far it had gone etc. She broke down and told me it had not got past the internet / phone/ txt stage and apologised profusely to me. I also threatened to pack her bag and pack her off to her mother and asked why I should keep her after the week I had had. She told me we had a marriage and she loved me, she has said she will break off all contact with what turned out to be a. a man a. her first love from school. I told her she is spoilt and bored and needs to take a good look at how we go forward from here. I have told her she is going to have to win back my trust and we are taking it one day at a time. The reason she stonewalled me was that she was embarrassed and deeply ashamed of what had happened and she couldnt get her around it.

Thankyou for your advice it made me realise I was not the victim and how hard sometimes you have to fight to maintain a marriage. I have not taken for granted my lack of effort with marriage i.e trying to keep it fresh and have taken action this morning to take her away / or a night out next week, I feel I have a 2nd chance and will grasp it with both hands.
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Old 27th August 2010, 06:48 PM   #26
Raymond
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Re: Just found out my wife of 11 years is having an affair

Wow Fallout you finally did it. Your righteous anger did the trick. She has confessed repented and seen your point. That is wonderful.

Small tip. Now love her and receive her. Finish the anger. It has done it's job.

Well done for planning to go out once a week with her. Something has happened to you that wasn't apparent before and that is good. Now you are free to work on your marriage.

God bless you in that. I hope I haven't jumped the gun.

Raymond
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Old 27th August 2010, 07:58 PM   #27
chosen
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Re: Just found out my wife of 11 years is having an affair

brilliant, you did the right thing. I really hope that it works for you now. I hope that her relationship with the other person will stop.
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Old 28th August 2010, 08:41 PM   #28
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Re: Just found out my wife of 11 years is having an affair

Thanks guys, I think the only thing I need to get over is my trust issues. I just have to take it one day at a time. Obviously I think this will take some time to repair but I wont be afraid of facing down the issue again.
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Old 28th August 2010, 09:15 PM   #29
chosen
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Re: Just found out my wife of 11 years is having an affair

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Thanks guys, I think the only thing I need to get over is my trust issues. I just have to take it one day at a time. Obviously I think this will take some time to repair but I wont be afraid of facing down the issue again.
yes it will take time to trust again, maybe longer than you think. Trust needs to be earnt, it doesnt just happen.
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Old 29th August 2010, 09:16 AM   #30
Raymond
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Re: Just found out my wife of 11 years is having an affair

Agreed. Trust takes the longest to build but can be broken the quickest. She will have to follow through with her repentance of course but she needs your forgiveness for the marriage to thrive.

I've hear about this stuff before where people contact old flames from their youth on Friends Re-United or something. A lot of divorces have come out of this sort of thing so it is an area to be vigilant about so it does not happen again.

Raymond
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