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Old 8th January 2010, 04:11 PM   #46
Raymond
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Re: lost & confused

It will get better Jonny. You just married an unfaithful wife. Probably noithing you did. It will take time to be healed but it does happen gradually. Part of it is up to you in the sense of you being able to put it behind you and move forward. Try and not be bitter as that will hinder your progress.

Once everything has sunk in and you have fully accepted it the healing will start. You have a big vacuum to fill but it can be done and is being done by many. Do it for your children as well.

Read a few of the threads here and you will see others who have gone through the same although everyone is different.

Raymond
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Old 9th January 2010, 07:13 AM   #47
912jws
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Re: lost & confused

Quote:
Originally Posted by jonny View Post
supported her and been a good husband for 7 years and partner for 11.5 years was this all fake on her part?
Hey Jonny,

I feel for you mate, your comments are exactly what I wonder sometimes, my wife is living this new life with new man who has a disposable income where as I have been bled dry so she gets to start a fresh, he even has many talents surprise surprise, my kids are still confused with the situation as he was moved into their lives without any thought on their part.
I think to myself for exactly how long was I not loved and has my relationship been a lie for the last 5 years? Only my wife knows!
Its been a about 5 months now since we split and emotionally I am in a much better place, I have been on a few dates but have not met anyone I really like. I am also pretty short on funds which doesn't help my current networking.
I just need some closure at the moment, probably in the form of a new relationship or for her relationship to come crashing down to earth.
Well its a new year now and time for a new start so fingers crossed for both of us that it will come good eventually

look after yourself!

Jon
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Old 9th January 2010, 03:00 PM   #48
jellybean28
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Re: lost & confused

Originally Posted by jonny
I supported her and been a good husband for 7 years and partner for 11.5 years was this all fake on her part?

It's a long time jonny, I wonder the same thing abou my ExH not good for
for the spirit though.

I think to myself for exactly how long was I not loved and has my relationship been a lie for the last 5 years? Only my wife knows
I just need some closure at the moment, probably in the form of a new relationship or for her relationship to come crashing down to earth.

My sentiments also 912jws I feel the same way about my husband.
It's sad how so many can be so cruel to their partners feelings.
They will eventually get the treatment they deserve.
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Old 13th January 2010, 10:53 PM   #49
jonny
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Re: lost & confused

Well, my wife refuses to let me go!, it happened again on friday last week she wanted me to stay for a cup of tea when i dropped of the girls to her for the nite, (i did my usual dress up all nice as if is was going out just to cheese her off its amazing how these things that are childish seem to make me feel a bit better when i know it annoys her), she had tried to speak to me on thursday but i had just ignored her and said i had to go somewhere, so i said i could spare 5mins, she whispered "i think you are right" about her being depressed and we then talked for and hour and a half about it, and what she has done, she kept probbing me about us, if we will ever manage to get back together, and i laid it on the line what she has done is a huge emotional thing and that we may never get back together, but i said to her that i need her to be there for the children and that i would help her thru this aslong as she does'nt rub things in my face.



She called and made an apointment on Tuesday to see her GP so i suppose that's a start.



so where do i go from here? what a situation, i will help her as i have known for sometime she is not well, so what can i do help her thru this then try and salvage a new life for myself at the end of this, whilst i look after our 2 girls, don't you just wish life could be easier! lol
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Old 14th January 2010, 07:07 PM   #50
Raymond
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Re: lost & confused

No. 1 is she cuts all relationship with this other fellow. I would look for some sincere repentance if it is there. If it is not you are likely to be hurt again. Trying a bit of time with you is no good. If she wants to save the marriage it must be on the right basis. Total faithfulness and commitmentto you. I would hold out for this otherwise you could be on another merry-go-round. Be strong about this and don't be afraid to call the shots.

Raymond
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Old 7th February 2010, 04:01 PM   #51
Johnee S
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Re: lost & confused

Jonny I am sorry I had not tracked your story after my first post. Raymond was right what you had been going through was exactly what I went through, it all sucked until i decided to take action for ME, action for my kids, and simply let her do whatev she wanted. I made a huge gamble and thought it was for the best. I kicked her out for a few months, she rarely came by for the kids until I started working day shifts, on night shift nights she slept over on my request. However, she still went drinking with friends, still spent eery spare minute being with her relationship long distance thing.

we tried working on things between us it lasted 2 weeks. I knew at that point it was done, to be honest I was at a fork in the road for the last 5 years she and I were together. I didn't want to leave my kids nor did I want to give up on our marriage. On the other hand she and i were both miserable and it affected our kids in too many negatives and the thought of moving on in my life seemed logical for all. I moved out last Oct and had her move back in to be with our kids. Hardest but best choice for the kids and for me. I didn't even think about what was best for her, I knew the kids were best for her.

She became involved with a nice younger well established guy last Sept, hid it from me, but I knew about it anyways. it didn't matter I had already made up my mind to move on so what she did for herself did not mean anything to me, so long as it did not leave a negative impact on the kids. I spent nearly a year keeping my knowledge of her previous affair under wraps until I was ready to walk away from her out.

Today are happier days for me, I have a new lady in my life, I knew deep down when I was ready she would enter my world. My Ex has been with the same guy she started dating in Sept. I was concerned for the kids but they like him, he is very good to my Ex and our kids. I know he will be a great provider for them and he has a big heart. I also know if he puts my kids or their mother in harms way he will answer to me, I've yet to tell him this, for now I am content in remaining nice and respectful. He has done nothing but show support, respect, and cares for her and the kids. The moment he slips I'll be there to help him unslip and offer advise if he needs some. If he hurts my family then I take off the silk gloves and put on the UFC fighting gloves and show him what a Dad will do to protect his kids.

Personally I hope I never will have to do such a thing, I sincerely hope this guy will be good to my Ex and my kids. I know I have a wonderful lady in my life, she has welcomed me into her world and inroduced me to her family, her friends, and even some of her work collegues. She has met some of my friends and 2 of my 3 kids. Her daughter has accepted me, her family has accepted me too. Her Dad was a challenge but he has come around and accepted me finally. Being a Dad myself I understand why he was concerned, he only wants what he feels is best for his daughter, my GF. So do I. )

I never realized jus how much relationship stuff was missing from my marriage with my Ex. My GF and I have only been together ging on 2 months, we've known each other since mid-Nov 09. We are not a go out and party all the time or anything like that, we spend quality time together, we talk about many different things, we respet one anothers thoughts and feelings, we support and encourage one another in our choices, goals, activites, work, school, everything.

She has been so warm, affectionate, kind, genuine, blunt and direct, carefree, honest, fun, suipportive, encouraging, I can write about her for days. We have even had disagreements of opinion but respect one anothers individuality. We have both shared our imperfections with out embaressment or insecurity. Time will tell where she and I go in this relationship.

Anyways, evnough about me. Jonny my Ex told me last week she sometimes thinks about me and misses me, I did not allow it to et to me. I told her I had thought of her and missed her too. However, she has her new man who loves her and she loves him, so she should run to him and embrace his love.

The true test of true love is let go and move on, as much as it is to hold on tight and never let go, what you do with you and your Wife is in both your hands. She is feeling down in the dumps and you want to be the hero who saves the day. Sorry bud, but you have to be yur own hero for you and your kids. I recommend you not try to sweep her offher feet and carry away into Happily Ever After Land bcause reality will be that nasty firebreathing dragon who will pearce your heart and kill you inside. If she is still seeing the other guy, you must not take her back under any circumstances unless you are completely prepared to go trough a tougher time for you and especially your kids.

She Wife is not in he right mental and emotional state to be worthy of your desire to make things right again. Sorry jonny but she will have to work very hard on herself mentally and emotionally and prove her love to you and to your kids. I can honestly say with out a doubt seperation with my Ex as the best thing we'd ever done for one another in the last 6 years. If my Ex still has some residual feelings for me, I say sorry hun too little too late. I am working to better my life and myself so I can better my kids lives. I am looking forard to divorse, something I never ever thought would haveever crossed my mind.

It is not becasue she and I both have someone new in our lives, but that way he and I will be happier then being together. She can have the home and the posessions in it so long as we both have equal rights to our kids and can develop and maintain a close friendship. You may have to go through this yourself, where you come to an understanding that your marriage is done. Just make sure you take care of yourself and your family, your Wife will have to ake care of herslf and your kids (when she has them). When you are where you need to be mentally and emotionally, to go either direction in your relationship with out regreat then you are ready to be with her or with out her for the sake of your kids as well as you and your Wife's sanity.
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Love is never wanting to lose faith, never wanting to give up, and never truly moving on. Love is knowing and praying in the deepest part of what's left of your heart that the other feels the same.
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Old 7th February 2010, 04:14 PM   #52
Johnee S
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Posts: 199
Thumbs up Re: lost & confused

Quote:
Originally Posted by 912jws View Post
Hey Jonny,

I feel for you mate, your comments are exactly what I wonder sometimes, my wife is living this new life with new man who has a disposable income where as I have been bled dry so she gets to start a fresh, he even has many talents surprise surprise, my kids are still confused with the situation as he was moved into their lives without any thought on their part.

I think to myself for exactly how long was I not loved and has my relationship been a lie for the last 5 years? Only my wife knows!
Its been a about 5 months now since we split and emotionally I am in a much better place, I have been on a few dates but have not met anyone I really like. I am also pretty short on funds which doesn't help my current networking.

I just need some closure at the moment, probably in the form of a new relationship or for her relationship to come crashing down to earth.
Well its a new year now and time for a new start so fingers crossed for both of us that it will come good eventually

look after yourself!

Jon

Jon, stop disempowering yourself!!!! Seriously read what you wrote! You are comparing yourself to her new BF, knock that off right now!

You are saying your short on funds for social networking. Instead of dwelling on what you don't have, and how challenging it is for you to move forward. Get off your butt and make change in your life to put you where you want to be! Get a better job, maybe some night classes to upgrade your professional self, get into the gym and work on becoming buff mentally and physically, it does wonders or you emotionally!

You don't need money to be dating someone (trust me I know), you can do things that don't cost a penny, you invest your time and they are often things with much more personal and sedimental value; 2 things women value so much on. Empower yourself and stop dragging yourself down. You are better then this, don't think you are; know you are! What are you prepared to do to stat yourself onto your personal road of success in your life in all avenues of it.

What you think and what you feel are what manifest into your life.

If all you focus on are the things you don't have then guess what you won't get anything you want... however, if you focus on the things you DO want and actually belive and prepare yourself to receive them and know with out a doubt in your mind and heart you will receive these great things for yourself you will get them. ou have to work towards what you want, be dedicated to getting yoursef there.

You have to be persistantly consistant with your actions and thoughts every day, all the time. It starts by making a simple choice for yourself to be more then who you are today. Start with small things are are easy to accomplish and work your way up. Believe me when I tell you, doing so only leads to happier days my friend. You've kicked yourself and beaten yourself up long enough; don't you think you deserve more then what you've aloud yourself to be as of late? I believe you have limitless potential, I believe you know what I am saying to you. I also believe you know what you have to do to get yourself to where you will be happier, so do it already.
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Johnee

Love is never wanting to lose faith, never wanting to give up, and never truly moving on. Love is knowing and praying in the deepest part of what's left of your heart that the other feels the same.
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Old 11th February 2010, 11:52 AM   #53
jonny
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Re: lost & confused

thanks, johnee s

I have'nt been on here for age's, time seems to be flying by, everything seams to be a roller coaster, my oldest girl (10yrs) is finding it really hard she know's what her mum has done, and is really not liking her mum, which makes it hard as evertime it's my W turn to take them she kick off then i have my W shouting at me to have words with our daughter, but as i keep telling i cant just tell her of for feeling these emotions, i sit and talk tell her it's not nice the things that she says and that her mummy doe's love her very much.

my wife appears to still be under the spell of why can't everybody including her children accept what has happend and just get on with it.


i have moved on i still have the bad days some times most of the week, the worst times are coming birthdays etc but will just have to move thru them with as much ease for the girls as possible.

Johnee, you talk about your ex W, new partner as a nice guy as such, this is probably where my story differs and what i find the hardest, her new guys is a few years younger and dosent even have a job, although he has an income from illegal doings. this is why im really annoyed as i dont want my children exposed to this, and have made that clear to her.

i have been out on a couple of 'dates' and had a good time but i know im still not in the right frame of mind to move on just yet, im to busy with everything.

the thing i find ironic about divorce, i stupidly bought my wife a new car not long after this whole episode commenced, this was ment to be for a new boat for us as a family as we always wanted our own as apossed to a boat that would always be my dads, (i have sailed all my life and was left a boat by my father when he passed away), so we bought the car had a good holiday that was for the girls etc and slowly she managed to dwindle this away new clothes etc, when i had relaised nothing was changin and we agreed that it would be best for everybody, that she would leave to get time on her own/ space etc, i gave her the last £1000 to pay for her deposit and first months rent on her flat, funnily enough within 2 weeks the other guy was on the scene, although he has never moved in with her yet. if i mentioned this to her she would actually think that she owe's me nothing! yet i pay for everything for our children, i once pointed this out to her she replied 'you never asked for any', and the funny thing is when we eventually go for divorce i will have to pay all my legal fees & she will get legal aid and will get her 'fair share of the house' etc. it's all fuc**d up.

but hey that's life as they say.
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