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Old 30th January 2010, 01:43 AM   #1936
Bigben
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Re: Living In A Sexless Marriage

Hi Okgal - ahhhhh - looks like you have problems too - thankyou for your reply - i was hoping to get a ladys view - and i got it!!!!. Sounds like you are all cried out actually - and running on empty. There is all kinds of viewpoints on this site. I feel after reading them though, that i have learned nothing in life and become incredibaly ignorant of how alot of women feel - have i been living a lie.??? I remember reading a reply(i think it was this site) where a lady said that no woman is ever vocal for herself in bed - she just does it to please her partner - EH!!!!this can't be true!!!! - can it ???? i mean - i don't really know - ive never been privy to that situation - it has been a dream - yes - but is this one shattered as well??? I LONG for passion - oh if only!!!
The other thing i want to ask - (i'm so sorry to be me me me all the time - i'll stop after this - but when i was first married - er - many years ago - i made up my mind that i would NEVER try and "force" (if thats the word - sounds abit wrong to me!!!) my wife - or rather "put-on" her for sex. I would always make sure, somehow, that she could be put in the "mood" and that she would not feel uncomfortable or pressured. Consequently, even though i would be feeling really really horny - i would suppress my feelings and forget the idea - which was, and still is very hard - (no pun intended) if she didn't seem interested. My question is this - do you think i have made things more difficult for our marriage by not being a "mans man" and being more assertive!!!! - have i seemed "weak" do you think - which has caused her to loose respect for me. - strange question i know - but i often wonder if i have been my worst enemy!!!! - but then again - i think my cards maybe have been marked right from the start - i keep hearing those words in my head - "I'm not the affectionate type"
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Old 30th January 2010, 03:52 AM   #1937
Dakereb
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Re: Living In A Sexless Marriage

Bigben, I feel for you. Been where you are. Still there for the most part, but it's not as bad as it once was.

I think you're on to something with the "weak" man, but not quite as you see it. In my view, you need to work on being emotionally strong as you would envision yourself if you were single. You need to change your view toward being emotionally independent, not relying on your wife or any outside person for your sense of peace and contentment. For me, I turn to my relationship with God. I've worked hard on that over the last year. I am now much less depressed, much calmer, and far less fatalistic. I accept the flaws in my life that I cannot change, and seek to address the flaws in myself.

My wife has noticed the transformation. Our relationship now is much warmer and closer than it has been in perhaps 16 years. A lot of water has passed under the bridge, so it is not likely that she will ever love me romantically, but that's okay, because my joy comes from God. If we stay together, that's great. If we don't, that's fine, too.

Your wife has always been lacking in desire for physical affection. There is no reason to think she will ever change. And remember, you cannot change her! You have control over only yourself. You have no control of her, and nor should you. If you try to convince her to change, you will only breed resentment in her heart. Do not misdirect your efforts. They should be directed toward changing yourself. The change you should work toward is emotional independence. Do it for yourself, not for her, and not for the relationship. She may never recognize the change, or if she does, she may never respond to it as you might hope. But others will see it, and it will make your life so much better. An emotionally strong, independent man is an attractive man, and a happy man, and no one can take that happiness away from you because it comes from within.

As far as women pretending to enjoy sex, well, I believe that's often true. Sexual dysfunction exists in both genders, and that, I believe, is a manifestation of it in women. That said, it is also true that, on average, men crave sex more than women. A loving woman will find the pleasure of sex in the fact that she is giving pleasure to a man she loves.

God bless you, and keep your chin up!

Last edited by Dakereb; 30th January 2010 at 04:07 AM.
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Old 30th January 2010, 04:03 AM   #1938
Dakereb
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Re: Living In A Sexless Marriage

Derek, I guess if you really are happy with the way your life is structured, more power to you. But I know that, for myself, I'd be hiding a deep misery if I lived like that. I think most men do best with a real emotional connection (not dependence) on others. From what you've described, you're lacking that with anyone. You've made your peace with that, I suppose. If you haven't, and deep down inside you're mad sex with prostitutes is really just to cover and forget the pain, then I hope you find the strength to pursue real contentment. In any event, may God take you when you die, even if you don't believe in his existence.
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Old 30th January 2010, 04:06 AM   #1939
Ageing Grace
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Re: Living In A Sexless Marriage

Hi, Ben. I'm very sorry your marriage has come to this pass.

Please try to boost your self-worth - preferably by other means than the lovely Derek's recommendations! Perhaps you could get back in touch with more old friends, boost your physical activity, treat yourself to a new look ... And see a counsellor. You do sound very depressed, and rather too focussed on the problem in your marriage - which is not to diminish the problem; I mean that thinking about what you can't have stops you recognising your own good points, and making the most of life as it is. You need to counter the depression before it swamps you!

No, it's not true that women don't want sex (generally speaking). You only have to pick up a women's magazine to see that! Obviously it helps if there is both love and physical attraction between you, plus respect (Derek). Being treated as an - er, receptacle - doesn't do a whole lot to make a woman feel sexy.

And, of course, you should never insist on sex!! That would be very close to the crime of marital rape, and would certainly do nothing to enhance whatever respect is left between you. I think the fact you've even thought about it shows how all-consuming the problem has become in your mind. That's what my first paragraph is about.

Under the circumstances, I really don't feel you need to be 'guilty' about using porn if it helps you along. It WOULD become a problem if you let yourself become dependent on it (addicted) - it does happen. Like any other addiction, it can mess with your head and your life. But, if you're using ordinary material that's publicly available and it's not keeping you away from other areas of your life, why not?

To be married to somebody who's "not affectionate" is a kind of slow torture, isn't it? I wonder what goes on in the minds of such people, when they sign up for marriage. What's happening to you is literally a breach of contract. While I can't comment on your wife, as I know nothing about her, I most certainly understand your frustration and even anger.

You have discussed this together, haven't you? I'm thinking there might be some trauma in your wife's background that left her scared of physical closeness. Sometimes this happens to people as a result of a seemingly small incident, it doesn't have to be anything horrific. The issue IS a serious one within a marriage, and I feel she has a duty to at least explore it with you. Counselling can go a long way to help resolve such things.

It's tricky. You have my deepest sympathy. I hope you'll be able to find a way to lovingly help your wife towards a fuller relationship. For starters, see if you can get her to couples counselling with you. And take up squash or something to vent your energy!

Write back, please

Last edited by Ageing Grace; 30th January 2010 at 04:15 AM.
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Old 30th January 2010, 04:07 AM   #1940
Ageing Grace
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Re: Living In A Sexless Marriage

Darn, I was hoping Dakereb would reply to you - and he did, while I was typing!

He said it better than me
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Old 30th January 2010, 04:31 AM   #1941
Dakereb
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Re: Living In A Sexless Marriage

AG, I think you added quite a bit of insight that I missed. I think you're particularly on point with the observation that Bigben's wife may have some emotional trauma in her past. Something is amiss, that's certain.

Bigben, I understand how you feel about pornography and masturbation, too. Know this, many men get addicted to this. Not to be overly graphic, but the theory is that, when you orgasm, your brain is bathed in chemicals that cause a feeling of calm and relaxation. Repeatedly bringing yourself to orgasm by viewing pornography and masturbation eventually conditions you to respond to only that, and you lose the ability to respond to a real sexual engagement with a woman. Some men are more susceptible to this than others, but I think we all run a risk if we over indulge in this. Overcoming the addiction is exceptionally difficult, because sexual impulses are normal, and masturbation is easy, and sexually charged images of women are everywhere. Don't judge yourself harshly if you release yourself once in a while, but be cautious.
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Old 30th January 2010, 01:44 PM   #1942
BigBen
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Re: Living In A Sexless Marriage

Oh no!!! i wrote a reply - quite a long one - and when i posted it a window came up with a warning i had "Timed Out". So - i typed all i could remember out again, but this time on the advanced page - and the same thing happened - now i'm getting annoyed!!!! - i lost everything - i just want to talk!!!!! - anyway - i'll get back to you later - my fingers are aching now - and i need a coffee!!!!x
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Old 30th January 2010, 03:38 PM   #1943
BigBen
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Re: Living In A Sexless Marriage

Hi - let me see if i can beat the clock - i can't say everything i want to say as i have so much - the clock is ticking and it wouldn't be fair on you - but ---- Dakereb - you are so right with the emotional independence - i have started to go out lately alone where i meet people with a very passionate interest of mine - and i do feel very self confident when i am there - infact - i feel as if i am someone else - if that makes sense!!!!I have to find a way of not relying on my wife - i must do it!!!
And AG - you are right - you read me well - i was on anti deps for sometime - and felt great - numb - but great - i felt as if i didn't have a care in the world - but then realized i was living in a fantasy world - and weaned myself off. I know i still need help because of all the tears when i'm alone - the thing is - "real" men are not supposed to do that stuff are they - which makes me feel even more of a failure.
I better go now - i don't want to loose this message as well - but i have so much to say.
Thankyou all - its been such a huge release.

Last edited by BigBen; 30th January 2010 at 03:48 PM.
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Old 30th January 2010, 06:40 PM   #1944
Dakereb
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Re: Living In A Sexless Marriage

Ben, when you hit "post" and find out it's timed out, it should present a big screen for you to enter your name and password. Entering it there should allow you to then post your reply without losing it.

"Real men" are human, and humans cry.

Looking forward to your posts!
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Old 30th January 2010, 07:28 PM   #1945
dalesman
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Re: Living In A Sexless Marriage

Jellybean
Only just read your post in this thread 27/01/10. thanks for your lovley complement and nice words.
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Old 31st January 2010, 11:43 PM   #1946
SallyBee
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Re: Living In A Sexless Marriage

1aokgirl

Thanks for your kind words. I appreciate your generosity in taking the trouble to reply to my posts. You are a lovely person.
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Old 3rd February 2010, 06:08 AM   #1947
1aokgal
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Re: Living In A Sexless Marriage

SallyBee..
We are listening. Tell us what we can do to help. Thank you for sweet compliment. I feel very sad for you and hope you find some outlet to bring you a little space that is yours and makes you feel good. I love painting, sewing (creative projects,) and my wonderful animals.
Unfortunately mu loved German Shepherd got a mystery wound today from somewhere in the yard. Tomorrow must go find where he impaled a really bad wound on his side. ABout a 4 inch slice that ended up into a pie shaped open wound. I think a nail from fence or deck or a projecting tree linb from one of the bushes.
An expensive emergency run to VET and stitches under gas and pain meds and antibiotic. Lucky I keep insurance policy on health of both my large shepherds so less than it would have been. Life sure is strange!
Take care of yourself. I play nurse for a couple days to my poor baby as he heals a really bad wound. The animals are such a joy and I am so busy doing things I enjoy, I don't much think of other things. Perhaps I am just used to substitutions and sublimation. Lots of practice through the years.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 7th February 2010 at 05:44 AM.
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Old 8th February 2010, 10:23 PM   #1948
Bear~
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Re: Living In A Sexless Marriage

1AoKGal

I read your post and feel like I wrote it mySelf...so sad and Heart breaking to hunger for the Warm, Loving touch. To look for that Smile that reflects Joy*

We went to hear his Guitar teacher play in a band...the music was great...then the couples got up later to slow dance and I couldn't hide the sadness I felt. He got up and paid the bill and we left.

On the way Home the smile on his face and his conversation about the tipsy Lady dancing...you would never know he saw my pain* So Careless* (callous)

My Heart is shriveled too* Like you said...no one would Believe the man they see buy me Gifts, open my door...would ignore me behind closed doors.

Sunday morning he left at 8AM and returned at 11PM...out for the day going from one friend to another to visit. I do that more now too...

I'm sad to hear what you're going thru...Wish you Strength...Bless you*
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Old 11th February 2010, 10:05 AM   #1949
1aokgal
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Re: Living In A Sexless Marriage

Hi Bear...

I have been working a lot of time on my business these days. Keeping it all flying takes effort and though it is all marketing on the internet. I am the buyer, creator, designer, and stocker, shipping clerk and bookeeper of it all. Suddenly find though business is poor elsewhere the internet is on fire. That keeps me very busy and occupies the space that would be thinking about all we discuss here. Energy directed is a happy source of satisfaction overall.

My husband is home and helps around as he begins his treatment for illness nearby. Funny, he never took any vacation time to speak of but now will use that time for this which is good as he is paid. I have always been a worker bee but especially now. He earns considerable money, so that will drop some but we are debt free so the lion is not at the door but it is of concern to me. I find better time management was needed for my own productivity.

He likes to cook and seems to wait on me a lot. I say just relax or sit awhile. He doesen't seem to know how to just veg out. He follows me around and worries about me doing too much. I always carried burdens as he was never here. I think men don't find the outlets women have to bring that place of peace.The thing I notice though ..he is a feeder. He will always bring me home this or that. He is a snacker in the evening. OK for him...not for me. I can pack on pounds by smelling carbs.

The weather has been brutal cold with some now which we seldom ever get here. Not conducive for dog walks. I may start back to the gym next week with a friend who tell me she will go. I wonder why he feels it necessary to be a "feeder?" Sometimes I think he sabotages me weightwise. Either that, or I look for an excuse to do what I like to do anyway in the winter...eat. Summer I am outdoors a lot and live in the pool.

Bear, it is hard to turn off that sad inner diaglogue that women here have about this life.
I know that it is very negative and try to keep this all from getting me down.

I can't comment too much on our friend, Derek. Just sounds sad and shallow. A lay is a far cry from a feeling of peace, warmth and intimacy. Most of us here miss THAT more than the physical sex. He gets a "fix"..same as any drug, and that keeps him from feeling, thinking or dwelling on the emptiness inside. He dulls the pain. I guess Oxycontin, marijuana and other drugs have the same effect? One day he may feel bad about himself. Right now, I suspect he is too shallow to care. That is very sad for him. I believe he has self destructive tendencies overall. The silly boasts are yarn worthy. A real man dosen't talk about conquests. None of that is a conquest..it is a sure thing. It is not even a "score." it is the same as ejaculation in a cup. The difference is that costs more. A bet on a horse would seem more fun and have better return.

For some reason he selected a forum here prone to Christian sentiments rather than playboy reconteur. Maybe the desire is to offend or shock? I guess I don't get the point?

Many men will so blatantly cheat they bring another woman home to their own marriage bed. When the marriage is disrupted, it is a punishment they secretly desired. They feel unworthy and bring it about. Self loathing at its' finest. I for one hate to read the garbage as it just sounds so school boyish like a kid reject making up bragging stories. High school boys put notches on a stick when they get a feel. Men are usually more secure about their sexuality. The ones who are not often have the kind of difficulties that many women won't care to deal with and a pro dosen't care. It is part of the bargain.

We all must live with our demons and do the best we can to find happiness and overcome some of these.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 14th February 2010 at 12:38 AM.
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Old 11th February 2010, 11:01 PM   #1950
Bear~
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Re: Living In A Sexless Marriage

1AokGal,

It's funny how some things you write are so like my Life*

Mine likes to cook too...and he's a feeder* The same thought goes through my mind...that he's keeping me from weight loss. Also, I think it's another way to show Love without "making Love" )

I'm glad to see you keep busy...Spring will be here soon and I too intend to get my Big Dog out walking...Time for Me to get back to Living!

The Derek guy...for some reason when I read his posts I picture a little greasy troll. We know when our Lives are busy with fun we're not posting on any kind of board LOL! To post to the men is one thing...to jump on between women kind `ove outs what he's about*

Stay Beautiful, take care of You...you're in my Thoughts and I send Good Wishes your way*
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