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Old 27th September 2009, 08:55 PM   #1
yogamad
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Husband has kissed me after 1 1/2 years

Well, after nearly a year and a half, my H put his arm round me and kissed me. It felt really awkward and weird for both of us.

Yesterday we wasn't very nice to me and I told him that I'd moved on and was getting on with my life and I was happy. Today he told me he didn't like me saying I'd moved on and what did I mean. I explained what I meant and he put his arm round me and kissed me and said he wanted us to try again.

This is more or less what I did a couple of months ago and he called me childish. I feel a lot stronger this time round and I'm not going to be messed around again. He said that we should take things slowing but I wish he'd said this a couple of months ago as now I feel that I've moved on and don't know how I feel about him anymore.

I feel a bit confused at the moment but time will tell I guess ....
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Old 27th September 2009, 09:18 PM   #2
Helpless
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Re: Husband has kissed me after 1 1/2 years

make sure you don't get carried away in the heat of the moment and make sure whatever you do you do it for you, good luck xx
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Old 27th September 2009, 09:27 PM   #3
yogamad
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Re: Husband has kissed me after 1 1/2 years

Thanks Helpless. If I'm honest I'm not doing it for me, I'm doing it for my boys, to keep our family together. But we've been together for 20 years and part of me thinks it's worth trying to make our marriage work before I give up on it completely. I'm taking one day at a time.
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Old 28th September 2009, 09:47 AM   #4
Raymond
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Re: Husband has kissed me after 1 1/2 years

I think it is a good sign, that he wants to try that is Yogamad. It needn't change you drastically as you have found some inner strength for you and your boys. He has noticed this it seems and maybe he doesn't want to be left out.

Nevertheless a marriage where there is unity is a great strength and his tentative actions could lead to better things. You have to find a way to build your marriage while continuing to build yourself. I think that is how it should be anyway. Yes the physical is all part of it but you will still always be you. If he wants to hold and kiss you it is a healthy thing. If it continues the awkwardness will get less and less. Don't clam up whatever you do. I know it's hard.

Raymond
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Old 28th September 2009, 12:32 PM   #5
ken94
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Re: Husband has kissed me after 1 1/2 years

Yogamad,

I am in the same position and I am quite doubtful sometimes. I try to keep on the line I define few weeks ago to support her whatever and I would like her tobe my wife again. But I certainly understand you as I feel the same !

Courage, I think it is for the good reasons.

Ken
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Old 28th September 2009, 06:40 PM   #6
yogamad
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Re: Husband has kissed me after 1 1/2 years

Thanks Raymond and Ken.

Raymond, you're right, it is hard. H was made redundant last week so that is the last thing we needed, after he'd got settled in a job after his breakdown and everything. We were pleasant to each other this morning and he kissed me before I left for work and waved me off. It's those little things that I've missed and I can't tell you how strange it feels to have him doing that again. I texted him in my lunchbreak and got a nice reply, telling me he's got an interview tomorrow so I'm keeping my fingers crossed for him.

Ken, I hope things also work out for you. All the best,

Yoga
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Old 29th September 2009, 06:39 AM   #7
Johnee S
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Re: Husband has kissed me after 1 1/2 years

YM don't get caught in the spiders web, fool me once shame on me, fool me twice shame on you. If you decide to pursue or chance the thought just remember everything that happened the good and the bad. Take your time with it, don't be blinded like I was. What are his motives? Why does he want to try again after so long? Is he settling or does he genuinely want to be with you? You've come a long way, please don't let him hurt you again.
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Old 29th September 2009, 08:35 AM   #8
Raymond
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Re: Husband has kissed me after 1 1/2 years

You can be too suspicious Johnee. One has to take these things in good faith until you know otherwise. It would be a terrible situation for a wife or husband to hug their spouse and the other to think what does he/she want? I never think that of my wife but I suppose that everybody knows what their own spouse is like.

Raymond
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Old 29th September 2009, 03:35 PM   #9
huting
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Re: Husband has kissed me after 1 1/2 years

can i ask yogamad but how did u detatch yourself from the situation so much and stop caring as much about him? i am still wioth my husband and love him very much but want to detach a little, i think it will help as he as problems showing his feelings and enjoys time alone, and then at least if it happens again i wont hurt as much. any tips or advice please on how you did it, i know the situation is different but it may help, my husband doesnt like my clingyness.
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Old 29th September 2009, 07:32 PM   #10
Ageing Grace
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Re: Husband has kissed me after 1 1/2 years

Huting, take a look at Yogamad's threads! Starting with this one: My Husband Hates My Family, then moving on to: He's Leaving Me

Yoga's story is such an inspiring & heartening one, I hope she's going to turn it into a book afterwards

Yoga - when I saw the title of your new thread, I jumped around yelling "Hurray!"
I know what you mean, though. On the one hand, here is a promise of all that you missed so desperately, last year (Hurray!). On the other - you've come so far, rediscovered your lovely self, achieved a state of Zen-like calm around your marriage ... is this what you want, now? Especially when it comes at a time of weakness for hubby?

I don't know what I'd do. But I hope I'd feel in as good a place as you are: as you say, it's excellent to enjoy the signs of a return to closeness, and I'm glad you're able to! But now the rules have changed, what's around the corner?

Nobody knows! Just for today, Yoga, I'm VERY happy for you. And very impressed

As Raymond says, stay true to your self, for that's the core of your life - and your family's.

Lots of love,
AG
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Old 29th September 2009, 11:15 PM   #11
yogamad
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Re: Husband has kissed me after 1 1/2 years

Thanks everyone for your replies.

Johnee, I don't know why he's decided to try again after so long. He still told me he's taking it one day at a time but I think it was my saying that I'd moved on that prompted him to try again. I'm certainly not leaping up and down and trying so hard like I was all those months ago. I'm calm and just seeing what happens each day. He is also not trying really hard. When I went up to bed last night he reached over and gave me a kiss and a hug. This morning I wished him well for his interview, kissed him and waved him off. I texted him at lunchtime to see how it was going too. When he got home tonight I didn't kiss him and he didn't kiss me but he did thank me for my text.

Good to hear from you again Raymond and thanks for your support and advice.

Huting, the detaching came about gradually, bit by bit until I felt more confident and sure about myself. I am now like a different person, a lot more outgoing, happy, calm at work and at home. I accepted every invitation that came my way and also made more of an effort to arrange nights out/coffee with friends, etc. I have accepted an invitation to go to a male strip show in October with some people that I don't know that well, although my sister is also going. I'm not sure if I will enjoy it or not but so what if I don't, I'll know next time not to go but I may meet some new people and have a laugh. I'm trying not to take life so seriously and have more of a laugh (I think turning 40 in August also had something to do with it). My advice to you would be to also make more of an effort to do things on your own and not be so independent on your H, being clingy is not very attractive. There's nothing wrong in enjoying time on your own, it's healthy to have different hobbies/interests. I also think I now believe in myself, I like myself and others like me and I'm not going to let anyone put me down again. For example, whilst on holiday in the summer my H and my oldest son went off to the shops and couldn't find me when they got back to our tent. They found me and my youngest son on the trampolines having a great time. H just shook his head and said "I thought I'd find you here" in a 'telling me off sort of voice' as if I should have just waited at the tent until he'd got back. I couldn't care less, I was having fun with my son while he's still young enough to want to spend time with me (he's 13 next month). I just bounced even higher, laughed even louder and I think that told my H what I thought of him more than if I'd got off the trampoline and spoken to him about it. Do you get what I'm trying to say? Don't know if I've explained it well but just to try and be more confident in every day life really, it certainly helped me.

AG, good to hear from you, we haven't 'spoken' for ages. Do you know, I think I put on my very first thread that when I spoke to a counsellor she said it was like an autobiography ... who knows if future I may have a best seller on the shelves ... lol


Like I said before, I don't know what's around the corner, I'm just taking each day as it comes and not expecting too much.

H came home from his interview, got the job but doesn't know if he wants it and we sat down and discussed it. He's always hated his job (don't know if I said before but he's a dental technician - makes teeth basically) but it pays very well. I told him he has to make a decision to either choose something completely different that may not pay as much or stay in a job he doesn't enjoy. BUT ... he has to do some kind of work, he can't expect to stay at home every day which is what he would like to do if I got a full time job. I suggested there was a job going at Asda for a delivery driver but he said the pay was crap and it wasn't a proper career. I told him that the proper career he does have makes him depressed and grumpy and I'd rather he earnt less and was happy. So he doesn't know what to do. He has a week to let the company know one way or the other. I also suggested he give it a chance as he may enjoy it more than he thinks but it's long hours, long commuting and I do seriously doubt he'll enjoy it.

I don't really enjoy his company any more, he's always so down and moaning about something. At bedtime he says stuff like "one more day nearer to retirement or death". It's like he's given up on life. He said he'd noticed I'm going out more, in that 'telling me off' voice again and I told him that I didn't enjoy being with him (this was at the weekend when he was having a go at me). Just as I was explaining above to Huting, H also needs to start going out (he doesn't go anywhere or see anyone). He doesn't see if family much (as you already knew) and has cut off ties with friends he has known for over 20 years. If you remember they came to my 40th b'day meal and H didn't come. He told me that they're my friends now, not his ... I mean, how childish is that. I didn't even bother to answer. Our friends told me at the meal that they're not giving up on him because they've known him for so long. He needs to get out there and start being more positive but he's very hard to talk to because he always sees the negative in everything.

Sorry for the long post. And will stay true to myself ... thanks AG.

Yoga
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Old 29th September 2009, 11:28 PM   #12
Johnee S
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Re: Husband has kissed me after 1 1/2 years

Yoga I wish you the best through this. I know you are strong enough to go either way, I hope he is genuine.
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Old 30th September 2009, 01:03 PM   #13
Raymond
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Re: Husband has kissed me after 1 1/2 years

You are handling things very well Yogamad. You are right to have fun with your children while you can. That is so very important.

Don't let your husband pull you down with his comments, but if there are obvious ways to cheer him up use them.

I think you are hitting it just right in the circumstances. You are a much stronger person than when you first wrote. I do think your husband has a few personal problems though but you seem up to it.

Raymond
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Old 30th September 2009, 01:04 PM   #14
Raymond
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Re: Husband has kissed me after 1 1/2 years

You are handling things very well Yogamad. You are right to have fun with your children while you can. That is so very important.

Don't let your husband pull you down with his comments, but if there are obvious ways to cheer him up use them.

I think you are hitting it just right in the circumstances. You are a much stronger person than when you first wrote. I do think your husband has a few personal problems though but you seem up to it.

Raymond
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Old 30th September 2009, 06:15 PM   #15
yogamad
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Re: Husband has kissed me after 1 1/2 years

Well, H has decided not to take the job as he knows it will make him unhappy. I obviously don't want him to be unhappy and I think he would probably leave anyway in a couple of weeks/months if he took it. It will be hard though for a while as I will have to pay bills on my own but I'm sure I'll cope. He has savings to help out so I'm hoping he will help out a bit.

He kissed me when I got home and asked if I'd had a good day but I didn't really feel anything, don't know about him. I got paid today and when he saw my wages slip he said "is that all you get"? I told him that I only work part time and at least I am bringing home some money. I've enjoyed him not getting at me for these past few months and if we start becoming a couple again, he could start nagging again.
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