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Old 10th September 2009, 03:19 PM   #1
tishtash
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Unhappy My husband of 14 years has finally walked out!?

We have large debts and are in a debt management Plan. We've been arguing all the time latley about his recent actions, he's been drinking too much, spending money we don't have, going out till the early hours, hanging round girls from work etc etc He says that he's tired of hearing me complaining when he gets in, but he still continues acting like this. We have 2 sons under the age of 8, whom he says mean the world to him, apparently I used to also, until I pushed him! Anyway we had a huge row a few days ago he said some disgusting remark so in anger I told him to get out. He did. My problem is I'm hurting so badly, I can't eat, sleep work and feel like I've been punched in the stomach. Why do I feel like this when my head is saying this should be for the best? All I want is for him to stop acting like this and running away and want to be with us, his family. I've told him this but he doesn't accept that what he's doing is wrong!! I don't know what to do??
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Old 10th September 2009, 04:06 PM   #2
Ageing Grace
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Re: My husband of 14 years has finally walked out!?

Tishtash, I am so sorry you're feeling like this. Thank you for posting.

When my husband walked out, I was totally devastated. But, even while I fell apart screaming & crying, the small 'wise voice' in the back of my head said "At last!"

Was it a bit like that for you? I know it doesn't help much - your grief, fear and distress are all too real - but, a small comfort, that little voice will help to give you some strength.

You said you don't know what to do. There's nothing you can do to change what's happened. This is awful news, I know. You have children, friends, a family and your self. You owe it to them all (especially yourself) to look after your basic well-being so that you will be able to live through this and come out ... better.

Eat food, wash, sleep, shop, take care of your kids. Moan like hell to anyone who'll listen! And keep posting here. It really does help

Thinking of you,
AG
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Old 10th September 2009, 05:56 PM   #3
Raymond
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Re: My husband of 14 years has finally walked out!?

There is the option of apologising but that wouldn't solve the ongoing problem Tishtash would it? If you really regret something that is an answer. I wouldn't do it straight away as there may be a chance that he is thinking about things and you don't want to spoil that.

Also you don't want the scenario where you are both too proud to make the first move. It would be better coming from him as his lifestyle is not conducive to a good marriage, especially the hanging around with girls.

These sudden decisions while one is angry never work out. In your case you didn't seem to mean what you said. If he is to go you want to be able to have some control about it and not let it be the result of sudden anger.

My thought is to apologise for acting out of anger but don't actually ask him back. See what his response is. You can be sorry for telling him to leave in anger but don't beg him to come back. There are still problems to sort and you don't want to put yourself in the wrong position.

As AG has said you may be better off without him in the long run but I'm sure you don't want it to end just like that because of an argument.

Raymond
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Old 10th September 2009, 06:42 PM   #4
huting
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Re: My husband of 14 years has finally walked out!?

It may be that when he has calmed down,and becomes less angry that your h will come back. I told my h to go and not come back and he did,but once he calmed down he came back. I'm not saying this to b mean or get your hopes up, but don't call or text him, give him space to think about what he wants then hopefully he will come back

But that's not to say that you don't set any ground rules down before his return. He needs to start acting like a married man, not hanging around girls and drinknig, he needs to be told this but in a way that's not manipulative or controlling.

Perhaps have a talk about why he has been acting this way, debt is obviously not helping and this may b the way he is dealing with the problem. Having talks like this when there's problems are always good, hopefully you will sort this out

Wishing u luck and happiness.whatever u decide to do is ur choice, u feel sick now but that is because u have no control, so that's a good starting point, u can't control or change the situation u can only make u and your situation better xx
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Old 10th September 2009, 08:28 PM   #5
Ageing Grace
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Re: My husband of 14 years has finally walked out!?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Raymond View Post
My thought is to apologise for acting out of anger but don't actually ask him back.
Yes, of course, I should have said this too

x
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Old 11th September 2009, 08:16 AM   #6
Raymond
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Re: My husband of 14 years has finally walked out!?

I think what Huting said is good about setting ground rules.

In a nutshell I would say apologise for acting out of anger but set the ground rules if he wants to return.

Raymond
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Old 14th September 2009, 04:38 PM   #7
tishtash
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Re: My husband of 14 years has finally walked out!?

Thank you all for your replies! Well... he was coming to pick the kids up on Thursday to take them out and he said we needed a quick chat. I'd had a crappy day, even got sent home from work!!
So I tidied myself up, got dressed, must put on a brave face!! His Mum took the kids so we could talk. I was quite pleased with myself for my acting, he asked me what I wanted, so I said that its what he wanted to do that I wanted to know. I said that if he wasn't interested and wanted to carry on acting like he had been then he'd better leave me be. He replied that it was me who told him to leave, I admitted I was angry and that he can't keep doing what he has been.

He agreed!!! said he'd had time to think and realised what an idiot he'd been. I asked him how he'd felt, he said like he'd swallowed an apple and that he couldn't eat or sleep. I just hope I've done the right thing!! he seemed genuine.

My biggest problem now is trust, I'm finding it hard to not check up on him and wonder if he's telling me one thing and other people different. I sound insane and paranoid!! ~I know this but find it hard not to do it! He's got a weekend away to Butlins soon with his friends (mine too) soon and its going to kill me. Any advice would be sooo appreciated! I'm also so pleased I found this forum!
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Old 14th September 2009, 04:58 PM   #8
nix192
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Re: My husband of 14 years has finally walked out!?

hi tishtash
i am really happy for you,it will be hard at first but try not to dwell on things.my husband left me and came back 8 times before and you soon get things back to normal.
we are not together anymore but so much has happend (nothing to do with us seperating so much)we always said we couldnt live together but culdnt live without each other.
i guess we were wrong as he now has moved on and is living with someone else.i hope you work things out and have a long and happy relationship.
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Old 14th September 2009, 10:25 PM   #9
Ageing Grace
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Re: My husband of 14 years has finally walked out!?

I hope so too, Tishtash

There's nothing wrong with asking him to ring you often during the weekend away - your trust has been damaged, and he'll need you to tell him how he can help you to feel safer.

Good luck, and enjoy
AG x
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Old 15th September 2009, 09:01 PM   #10
tishtash
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Re: My husband of 14 years has finally walked out!?

Thank you all, i hope so too x

In reply to your earlier question AgeingGrace~ I didn't feel relieved when he first went, I guess I was so angry, I think what I really wanted was him to feel hurt like I'd been feeling. Its so hard to forget about how he behaved then, I can't imagine how it would feel if he'd had an affair, though I guess its all about betrayal really. I found out he'd gone to the pub with his mate (male!!) that night I told him to leave, that annoyed me to say the least! I do still feel angry but my side of the deal is to not nag so much (I'm saying this through grated teeth)

Time will tell I guess
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Old 16th September 2009, 03:04 AM   #11
Ageing Grace
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Re: My husband of 14 years has finally walked out!?

Bless you, Tishtash

I just saw this in my horoscope and it made me think of you!
Quote:
Instead of fighting back because you are afraid of being too vulnerable, try integrating your fears into your life and face them before you experience a relationship crisis.
Good advice whatever sign you are (you're not Pisces, by any chance, are you?!)

I'm taking it on board, too

AG x
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Old 16th September 2009, 04:22 PM   #12
tishtash
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Re: My husband of 14 years has finally walked out!?

I'm libra! How true for me too, so indecisive!

Quote:
Instead of fighting back because you are afraid of being too vulnerable, try integrating your fears into your life and face them before you experience a relationship crisis.
Sounds good, how could I do this? ( having a thick day today!)
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Old 16th September 2009, 05:04 PM   #13
huting
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Re: My husband of 14 years has finally walked out!?

Hi tishtash, y don't u go to butlins with ur husband,that way u can spend time together, get sum1 to have the kids, it may be just what u need
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Old 16th September 2009, 06:18 PM   #14
tishtash
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Re: My husband of 14 years has finally walked out!?

Not an option I'm afraid! Its for one of our mates 40th and all boys! Plus theres 8 men in a 6 berth caravan, not my idea of fun

Anyhow, me and the girls will be owed one, so we'll be going away after xmas.

I feel a bit better than one of my best male friends is going too, the only thing that will bother me is if I discover any of the group of women from his work decide on that weekend!! (they seem to prey on men at work and it p@#@*s me off) my sister works there too so I'm sure i'd know.
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Old 23rd September 2009, 12:06 AM   #15
Johnee S
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Re: My husband of 14 years has finally walked out!?

Sorry to hear you and your H are not going well, look at it from another prospective, how long have things slid down hill? By the sounds of things for some time. maybe things may turn up and he'll be back, maybe not. he is running away from his problems and not facing them head on like a good H is supposed to. The complaining and fighting have not helped anything, they made them worse for both of you and your kids.

A man needs to feel reassured his wife is there for him and supportive of him especially when he feels helpless. By his goign out drinking and socializing with female co-workers he is only filling the void in his heart you have been in for him all these years.

My W and I of 16 years has ended unfortunately, different problems and some debt not a tonne I cannot handle myself which is what I've been doing while she lives it up with her friends... I need her to be a Mother to our kids not an irresponsible 20 yr old who lives to party and socialize and shop with her limited income.

I am giving her until oct. 15th to get her act together or she is out and I stay. if she can pull her act together by then meanign she can cover the household expences and attend to our kids needs properly like a Mother is supposed to, I will move out.

Your H has some serious decisions to think over about the future, you also have those decisions to make as well. Stop dwelling and thinking you are miserable with out him , stop being so clingy and needy to him. Redirect the focus of your energy to you and the kids. You CAN live with out him you CAN make it on your own. You sipmply have to empower yourself and make a decision, let your seperation affect you negatively or take the bull by the horns and show him you are more then he thinks you are. Convince yourself you are more then you think you are. Proove to yourself you can make it on your own and put your own happiness back in line. Do not expect others to make you happy, doign so only brings disappointment and heart break. be strong for you and your kids, for you and your kids are vulnerable.
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Love is never wanting to lose faith, never wanting to give up, and never truly moving on. Love is knowing and praying in the deepest part of what's left of your heart that the other feels the same.
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