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Old 11th April 2012, 12:33 PM   #1
Myquest
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Should I remained married to my abusive wife?

As I am writing this, I am feeling both angry and scared. Dammed if you and dammed if you don’t.

Well let me start of with the a little background. I am a 41 year old male, have been married to my wife for 6 years now. We have two daughters, ages 5 and 1.5. This is my second marriage, and a such I was very vulnerable to start off with. I was feeling so lonely that I was willing to accept any love. We got married after a very short courtship (8 months of which we were engaged for 3 of those months). During the courtship, she made life very difficult for me. I had to destroy everything that related to my previous marriage. She consistently inspected my phone, emails. She accused me still talking to my ex (which was not the case at all, as I so wanted to make it work that I would do anything to please her). All the signs were there, but I chose to ignore them. For example, I was not allowed to come to her town for the first 3 months as if she was hiding something. She would break promises, not pitch for dates, and leave her phone off for days (but there was always an excuse). But I was persistent (love can fix anything, so I believed).

To top things off, she fell pregnant a month before or wedding date (no turning back now). The first 8 months went very well .... she was pregnant and I took care of all her wishes like a good husband should. Then our firstborn arrived. And then it all started, from threatening to kill her (she has never repeated the threat again, I attributed her remarks to post natal depression in my mind), consistently putting me down in front of our friends in social situations, inspecting my phone and computer even more. I had to go and sleep every evening at 8 with her. I was not allowed to watch TV in without her. I bought her everything she wanted (If I only get this or that .... I will be happy, and I believed her). Then she tried to alienate me from friends and family, whilst the only people we socialised with was her family and friends. All mine had some problem. At the height of this phase, she outright told me that she has no respect for me, swearing at me and even physically trying to challenge me when she had too much to drink. She gave the one ultimatum after the other ... I had to choose between her and my work, friends family. I got so far as that I was not allowed to show too much affection to our daughter because she is supposed to be number one in my life, not my child.

So after three years, she had an affair. During this period, the abuse was intolerable. On occasion she would walked into my office ( a business of which I am the CEO of) and demanded that she wants to inspect my computer now, whilst shouting at the top of her voice. I allowed it. She find anything she could to try and make me feel guilty. And so it went on.

Then, to my surprise (she was supposed to be on birth control pills), she announced that we are expecting another child. I was stunned but happy at the same time.

Two months later,it reached a breaking point. She aqcuised me of having an affair with my gym instructoress. In the process, she turned my whole family against me, with only my brother believing me. That day I told her that she had gone to far (even telling my three year old daughter that I am kissing other women which promptly asked me why I did that). She even went as far as going to the gym, and confronting the girl in public. I was forced to stop going the that gym, and cancelling my instructor classes purely out of embarrassment.

From that incident, I lost all my love and respect for her. I thought that if I could just stay there, it would in time get better. But the resentment only grew more and more! In the process I started changing in order to cope with her. I started to become a cold person, so that she could not affect me so much and be less prone to manipulation. I have been for counselling on my own for months now, all advising me to pack my bags and go. They mentioned words like sociopaths and multiple personality disorder, of which none gave me any comfort. I love my children, but I cannot take the manipulation any further. Just last week she threatened to call the police in order to stop my from taking my oldest on a camping trip as I am a unfit and irresponsible father. And then the next morning she will pack our suitcases and gear. I don’t know what to make of it anymore.

It feels like I am the one that is going to break the marriage, but I have to save myself whist there is still something left of me. Otherwise my children will never come to learn me for who I really am.

Logically speaking, I know I have to end this. But emotionally, it will break my heart to tell the kids that daddy and mummy is no longer going to be living together. What to do?
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Old 11th April 2012, 01:00 PM   #2
Raymond
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Re: Should I remained married to my abusive wife?

Maybe a seperation will be the shock that she needs to make her face up to the mistreatment and paranoia she is dishing out. Maybe the thought of losing you will bring her to her senses? She obviously suffers from some kind of paranoia and control which is making you a prisoner in your own home. I think she needs the counseling if she is humble enough to listen. The lack of respect for you sticks out a mile. This should be basic in a marriage. If she tears you apart what has she got left? It sounds like she has some deep insecurities which is affecting her behaviour. Has she been cheated on in the past and been affected in her attitude to men? I think there is some history there somewhere which needs to be sorted.
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Old 11th April 2012, 01:25 PM   #3
chosen
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Re: Should I remained married to my abusive wife?

All that I could think when I read your post was what a terrible shame it was that you got married in the first place, and also that you had children in the second. If there were no children and going by the fact that she has cheated, I would say leave and dont look back.

However, now I think that you need to write down all of this and everything that happens form now on with dates etc, because I think that you need to leave and apply for full custody of the children.Get some really good legal advise.

This lady is sick basically. She is paranoid, obsessively controlling, and incredibly manipulative. She proably has personality disorders also, and sadly if the children grow up with her, she will not only turn them against you(as she already is) but she will deeply damage them and they will probably turn out like her.

This is a real warning to those who marry out of neediness and lonliness and is why many seond marriages fail.
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Old 12th April 2012, 08:34 AM   #4
Myquest
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Re: Should I remained married to my abusive wife?

Thanks Raymond and Chosen for your replies.

Raymond, I know very little about her past. She does not really talk about it, and when ever the conversation does steer into that direction, its normally a very short one with very little information being shared.
The way I feel know, Im not to sure she has the ability to come "to here senses". She will tell me what I want to hear, cry a lot .... tell me how much she misses me and that we can sort everything out. And before long, I will get sucked in emotionally (because of the children) and then they cycle of manipulation will start all over again. So when I leave, it will be the utmost intention of never going back. That will be the end then.

Chosen, you are so right. I should never have gotten married in the first place. But through this process I have learned alot about myself and what I need to do to avoid attracting people like that into my life. But most importantly, I have two beautiful daughters .... and that is where my responsibility lies.

That poses the next question, if I decide to take her head on and file for full custody of the kids, I will have to prove that she is an unfit mother. How do I explain that to two kids that do love their mother, as misplaced and self-destructive as it may be in the long run? I don’t want them to think that my mother is a this or that. She is still their mother. Am I misplaced in my thoughts?
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Old 12th April 2012, 09:02 AM   #5
chosen
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Re: Should I remained married to my abusive wife?

You dont need to tell the children anything, they are far too young to understand. All you need to do is to do what you can to get them out of that situation and into a home with you that is normal and loving and calm. They will either be with her or you, so where do you think they will be better off?You need some good legal advise.
I am sure that you already know this, but tears are a great weapon of manipulation.
A book that may help a bit is called 'In sheeps clothing' by George k Simon, however I think that yout wife is an extreem case of what this book describes, but it may help you to deal with her.
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Old 12th April 2012, 01:29 PM   #6
Myquest
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Re: Should I remained married to my abusive wife?

Thanks Chosen.

The book that you refered to, was what opened my eyes to mt wife's behavior patterns. After reading the book I came to the conclusion that she will never changed, and judged on her actions, she will not. She has only become more covert in her attempts to control me. I read the book about 18 months a go, and since then I have made an concerted effort to indetify when she trying to manipulate me. I am sure I still fail, but the inpact of living with her is that I had to change my nature in order to adapt. I think this has brought more unhappiness in my life than what she could cause with her verbal and emotional attacks.

And you are right about the children, they are still far too young to understand. This is going to be a battle that is going to drain my last energy, that I am sure off. To prove that a mother is bad for her children is going to be so difficult, given her skills in manupilation and creating false images of true self.
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Old 12th April 2012, 01:30 PM   #7
Raymond
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Re: Should I remained married to my abusive wife?

MQ she certainly seems to have history and it still hurts her. She will not open up for fear of further hurt but prefers to control the people around her maybe to protect herself from further hurt. I suspect she needs deep counselling and healing from the past. You didn't know about this and walked into all. She needs to open up to a wise counsellor who will accept her and listen without judging her. One can find this type of help in the better churches or centres like Ellel. Whether she would be open to that who knows. You have to do what you have to do but until she gets help she will continue on the road she is on.
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Old 12th April 2012, 06:35 PM   #8
chosen
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Re: Should I remained married to my abusive wife?

Raymond, you are right, but the problem with people like this is that they usually cant or wont admit to anything being wrong, and will blame everyone but themselves.
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Old 13th April 2012, 09:31 AM   #9
Myquest
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Re: Should I remained married to my abusive wife?

We went to a marriage councilor about two years ago, individually and together. He told me that I should give it six months, draw a line in the sand and make a call after that period.

The problem with counciling is this, she wants to convince everybody of how right she is and to me, she appears not to have the ability to look inwards, only outwards. It is always somebody elses mistake!
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Old 13th April 2012, 01:16 PM   #10
Raymond
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Re: Should I remained married to my abusive wife?

I think she is afraid to look into herself. Far too painful for her. Easier to blame others. Honesty I think is the key for her. If one tells her the truth it must be done in love though or she cannot receive it. I don't think she will receive it from you but she does need that kind of help if she is ever to find healing from the past.
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