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Old 23rd June 2010, 01:51 AM   #1
Kid_Of_God
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Why Is Flirting Sin and Destructive to Marriage?

My husband is a little “too nice”… a little “too friendly”… a little “too affectionate” with women. At first meeting them, he treats them as though they were friends, or family, that he has known for his whole life. He greets them with huge smiles, hugs, kisses, and touches them affectionately, by running his hands up and down their back and arms. He proudly boasts in himself, seeking to gain approval and compliments from them. Whenever I confront him on it, he says, “Oh honey… lighten’ up… I’m just joking around”. He is very naïve’ to what he is doing, and denies that he is purposefully alluring these women to be attracted to himself. He brushes it off, like it’s nothing, even though it breaks my heart, and grieves my Holy Spirit.

Through much prayer for wisdom and guidance, the Lord has led me to this website for the answers. I would like for my husband to hear the perspective from fellow practicing Christians. I would like him to hear from somebody else, besides me. I am calling to every one of God’s people who is taking the time to read this, to take the time to offer your Godly wisdom. I am asking you to PLEASE HELP ME, by answering some of the questions I have listed below. PLEASE share your Godly wisdom with him, in an effort to help him open his ears and eyes to “see the truth”, through the eyes of Our Lord. Jeremiah 3:15 Then I will give you sheperds after My own heart, who will feed you on knowledge and understanding.

  • Why does a happily married man who gets plenty of love, affection, attention, and praise, from his wife, look to other women to boost his ego? Why does he need this validation from anyone besides God, to “feel good” about himself? What is the real underlying issue going on inside of him?
  • Is it wrong to proudly boast in yourself, fishing for compliments from a woman and intentionally wanting them to be attracted to him? Is accepting those compliments proudly and haughtily, with a big grin, from ear to ear, considered as acceptable behavior?
  • What kind of signals is he sending out to these women and why does this betray his wife? Should his wife trust him when he does this?
  • Is going over to a single woman’s house “alone” considered inappropriate…or even a married woman, if her husband is not at home? Should he be putting himself into that position?
  • Why does God consider a flattering, enticing woman, who seduces a man, to be unclean and wicked?
  • Why would a Godly man be allured by the very evil of her actions? Why would he purposefully persuade a woman to flirt back with him and reward the ungodly behavior of a seductress? Why would he be enticed by the devil that is working inside of her?
  • What should a man do in order to honor, protect and defend his wife’s dignity, and not allow a strange woman to bring shame to her?
  • What does this behavior say about the state of the man’s heart and character?
  • What does God have to say about a man looking/gaulking at a woman’s body?
  • Does nice clothes, (or very little clothes), pretty hair, make-up, high heeled shoes, and a flattering tongue make a woman complete? Is being drawn to women by these superficial things considered worshiping an idol or graven image?
  • How does flirting with other women betray the purity of the marriage bed and violate the boundaries of the marriage? How could this behavior destroy our marriage?
  • Is it hypocritical to make a claim to Godliness while continuing in this sin?
  • What are the steps he needs to take toward correcting his behavior, and why?
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Old 23rd June 2010, 01:06 PM   #2
Raymond
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Re: Why Is Flirting Sin and Destructive to Marriage?

Hi Kid. Why is flirting sin and destructive to marriage? You know the answer to that. Flirting means you are sailing on the borderline of mental adultery and perhaps worse. Our wives are no. 1 and anything sexual should always be in relation to them. Who knows what is in his mind when he carries on like that. Has he got such a low self esteem that he has to prove he is held in esteem by these women in front of you, not to mention what he may be stirring up in them? There should be a sanctity about sexual expressions which should only be reserved for the marriage partners.

People may have all sorts of excuses when they behave like that but they are putting themselves into possible temptation and when the circumstances are right can one be sure that they can resist? We are not to be ignorant of the enemies devices. It could be that he has a vanity about himself and has to have it proved all the time. Whatever it is it is a bit childish and not really considerate of your feelings. There should be a certain propriety for a married man in relationship to other women. Even a scant reading of scripture would reveal that. As an example I would never pray or counsel a woman alone without another woman there. This type of thing is standard in most churches.

It is hard for me to judge the spirit behind it not being there. Only you will know that. Does he think he is spreading love and acceptance around? There is a fellow in our church who puts his arms around some of the younger female folk pulling their hair etc. They are girls who came through the youth group but are now in their twenties and he seems to be in innocence about it. Everyone knows and that's just him.

Are these women christians?

Raymond
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Old 23rd June 2010, 01:19 PM   #3
Raymond
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Re: Why Is Flirting Sin and Destructive to Marriage?

With regard to all your bullet points you raise a lot of good points which time forbids me to engage just now. Suffice it to say that sexual temptation through the eyegate is a biggy for a man, but of course we have to resist and only look to our wives for the satisfaction of these urges. There is a deception about it as it would only lead to misery and a damaging of our marriages but such is the nature of temptation in that it is fancifully packaged. One does learn in the end to handle it and our wives play a big part in this. We can all be sure that we will be tempted in different areas but we do not have to enter into it because of His strength.

Raymond
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Old 23rd June 2010, 07:19 PM   #4
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Re: Why Is Flirting Sin and Destructive to Marriage?

I think you both need to get some Biblical advice and maybe counselling from your pastor or someone else from your church. He can stop this, but only if he chooses to do so, so all you can do is pray that he does. What he is doing is really dangerous and I can totally understand you feeling so hurt. This is sin that your husband is commiting. Confront him with this sin and let him know you are not going to accept it. If he repents, forgive him and work at restoring the relationship. If he does not repent you need to have some consequences in place that you are willing and able to follow through on. You can still love him and forgive him but he needs to be held accountable for his actions. This is a matter of maturity (or lack of it in his case. Your husband needs to stop playing Don Juan and stop playing games with God.
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Old 23rd June 2010, 07:57 PM   #5
Raymond
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Re: Why Is Flirting Sin and Destructive to Marriage?

Good points Trinity but I am wondering what consequences a wife can put in place without manipulating or controlling her husband?

I am wondering also whether this is the consequence of something from his childhood. Was there a broken home of something of that nature KoG?

Raymond
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Old 24th June 2010, 01:07 AM   #6
Kid_Of_God
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Re: Why Is Flirting Sin and Destructive to Marriage?

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Originally Posted by Raymond View Post
Hi Kid. Why is flirting sin and destructive to marriage? You know the answer to that. Flirting means you are sailing on the borderline of mental adultery and perhaps worse. Our wives are no. 1 and anything sexual should always be in relation to them. Who knows what is in his mind when he carries on like that. Has he got such a low self esteem that he has to prove he is held in esteem by these women in front of you, not to mention what he may be stirring up in them? There should be a sanctity about sexual expressions which should only be reserved for the marriage partners.

People may have all sorts of excuses when they behave like that but they are putting themselves into possible temptation and when the circumstances are right can one be sure that they can resist? We are not to be ignorant of the enemies devices. It could be that he has a vanity about himself and has to have it proved all the time. Whatever it is it is a bit childish and not really considerate of your feelings. There should be a certain propriety for a married man in relationship to other women. Even a scant reading of scripture would reveal that. As an example I would never pray or counsel a woman alone without another woman there. This type of thing is standard in most churches.

Are these women christians?

Raymond
You ask if this could stem from something from his childhood? That's what gets me. This man has the most lovely parents and they are some of the most awesome Christians I have ever known. He was raised up in a good home and also in the Church. He KNOWS BETTER! You asked if the women were Christians? NO... that's the part that kills me and what I don't understand. I do agree that he has a low self esteem, and somehow he has to get down to what causes that.
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Old 24th June 2010, 08:40 AM   #7
Raymond
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Re: Why Is Flirting Sin and Destructive to Marriage?

He sounds like he has had a better upbringing than most of us so it is obviously not that. Some things are just plain wrong and we need to put them right. Maybe it's just immaturity and naiveness on his part. Maybe he was so sheltered that he just doesn't understand. If he is going on with God it will surely become apparent to him eventually. It's difficult for us to gauge on here whether it is suggestive or just an over friendliness. You will be able to judge better where he is coming from but if it was actual flirtiness then that is serious. Are you free enough to talk to his parents about it who may have some insight on it?

Raymond
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Old 24th June 2010, 01:05 PM   #8
Raymond
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Re: Why Is Flirting Sin and Destructive to Marriage?

·Why does a happily married man who gets plenty of love, affection, attention, and praise, from his wife, look to other women to boost his ego? Why does he need this validation from anyone besides God, to “feel good” about himself? What is the real underlying issue going on inside of him?

To take one of the bullet points as a start.

This is a difficult one as we all like affirmation from others. To blow your own trumpet to get it though is immature. As the scripture says let another praise you and not your own lips. Flattery though to gain advantage is something else. The kind of attention he appears to be seeking seems to relate to his image as a desirable man. As you say this should come from our wives. They know us intimately and can make all the judgments. Anyone’s else’s opinion on this area is false and not based on truth and relationship. What he seems to be seeking is a worldly affirmation based on sexual attraction perhaps. Why he should want this when he is happily married is anyone’s guess. I have heard of it from women who feel rejection from their husbands and go out of their way to prove to themselves that they are still a good catch. It is a kind of insecurity really or maybe it is to make you feel you are lucky to get him to cover over something else that he is failing on. Who knows?

Raymond

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Old 24th June 2010, 03:47 PM   #9
Kid_Of_God
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Re: Why Is Flirting Sin and Destructive to Marriage?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Raymond View Post
·Why does a happily married man who gets plenty of love, affection, attention, and praise, from his wife, look to other women to boost his ego? Why does he need this validation from anyone besides God, to “feel good” about himself? What is the real underlying issue going on inside of him?

To take one of the bullet points as a start.

This is a difficult one as we all like affirmation from others. To blow your own trumpet to get it though is immature. As the scripture says let another praise you and not your own lips. Flattery though to gain advantage is something else. The kind of attention he appears to be seeking seems to relate to his image as a desirable man. As you say this should come from our wives. They know us intimately and can make all the judgments. Anyone’s else’s opinion on this area is false and not based on truth and relationship. What he seems to be seeking is a worldly affirmation based on sexual attraction perhaps. Why he should want this when he is happily married is anyone’s guess. I have heard of it from women who feel rejection from their husbands and go out of their way to prove to themselves that they are still a good catch. It is a kind of insecurity really or maybe it is to make you feel you are lucky to get him to cover over something else that he is failing on. Who knows?

Raymond
Thank you Raymond for taking the time to reply to all my posts. This is exactly what I prayed for when I first posted my story... that Godly men and women would write back and share their Godly wisdom. I really believe that if my husband hears the "maturity" of other Godly men, it will help him and humble him. So again... thank you for being so diligent in your responses, and God Bless you for your helping me out.
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Old 24th June 2010, 06:02 PM   #10
Raymond
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Re: Why Is Flirting Sin and Destructive to Marriage?

KoG by all means keep writing but I would point out that there are not a lot of christians on this forum. It is more of an open thing here. If you really want a broad spectrum of advice you could try a christian marriage site. One I know is www.themarriagebed.com Some of it is pretty frank but if you choose your section you should get a good smattering of christian opinions which should be consistent.

I was thinking today about whether you knew what his love language was? These are ways which we feel love in a special way without which it may not fully be perceived.

These are Gifts, Quality time, Touch, Acts of Service and Words of Affirmation. Just a thought. I found out that my wife's was touch (not to be confused with sex) and I wasn't doing it properly in hugs holding hands etc. Just a thought.

I think my comments above cover your second bullet point so I will try to get time to look at number three.

Raymond
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Old 24th June 2010, 07:28 PM   #11
Raymond
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Re: Why Is Flirting Sin and Destructive to Marriage?

  • What kind of signals is he sending out to these women and why does this betray his wife? Should his wife trust him when he does this?
It is a sure thing that some of them are getting the wrong signals. Some women are not beyond having affairs with married men and can indeed pick up on the body language portrayed here. Fundemental really.
  • Is going over to a single woman’s house “alone” considered inappropriate…or even a married woman, if her husband is not at home? Should he be putting himself into that position?
Again it is leaving oneself open to temptation and is again sending the wrong signal. Definitely not appropriate if it is a social call.

Why does God consider a flattering, enticing woman, who seduces a man, to be unclean and wicked?

Come let us take our fill of love until morning: Let us delight ourselves with love. for my husband is not at home; he has gone on a long journey: He has taken a bag of money with him and will not be back until the appointed day. With her enticing speech she caused him to yield. With her flattering lips she seduced him. Immediately he went after her as an ox goes to the slaughter. Till an arrow struck his liver. As a bird hastens to the snare, he did not know it would take his life. Prov 7:18-23. Speaks for itself really as do many scriptures on the matter.

Raymond
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Old 25th June 2010, 05:31 AM   #12
Kid_Of_God
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Re: Why Is Flirting Sin and Destructive to Marriage?

Wow... I got some really good input here. Thank you Raymond. You certainly do have the mind of Christ. God Bless you for taking the time to respond to all this. Words could not express my sincere gratitude for you doing so and your works will be rewarded. It really is helping me to reaffirm what I already knew, and is strengthening me to take up the courage to pursue encouraging my husband with all you have written. As for your "love language" question. I don't really know which one I could pin it down to, as we are a very loving couple. We always hold hands, give kisses, hugs and touch each other all the time. We also speak loving and encouraging words to each other all day long. This is what bothers me most. We do not have any marital problems. We are a happy couple and very much in love in all aspects. I believe that it is just a matter of my husband lacking spiritual maturity and knowledge, and he doesn't really go "too deep" in his conversations with other men. I believe that is what he should be doing, and talking with you is really helping me to encourage him to go that way.
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Old 25th June 2010, 08:47 AM   #13
Raymond
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Re: Why Is Flirting Sin and Destructive to Marriage?

You sound like you have a very good marriage KoG apart from this problem with your husband. I know that you are an encourager and that is a very powerful thing for a wife to have in a marriage. There is power in your tongue and the way you use it. It really is very powerful and he is fortunate to have someone like you.

He should never ever look at anyone else the way he looks at you. I trust through your prayers and encouragement that he will see this problem. Marriage is very precious in God's sight and the bedroom is blessed but as it says in Song of Solomon watch out for the little foxes that spoil the vine.

I will go through your other bullet points as it is a good exercise anyway and reminds us and besides your thread has had a hundred views already.

Raymond
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Old 25th June 2010, 01:02 PM   #14
Raymond
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Re: Why Is Flirting Sin and Destructive to Marriage?

·Why would a Godly man be allured by the very evil of her actions? Why would he purposefully persuade a woman to flirt back with him and reward the ungodly behavior of a seductress? Why would he be enticed by the devil that is working inside of her?

Even a Godly man can fall. Look at David. However we do not need to if we cultivate wisdom and reliance on the spirit in that area. Cultivating the right habits helps tremendously what we watch, what we listen to and what we say. Why can a Godly man fall? Allowing the enemy in at those unguarded moments? We should not be ignorant of his devices nor of the unseen battle going on. All of us have certain weaknesses and they are the places where we can be tempted at certain times. Being aware of this and knowing ourselves, we should be able to fortify ourselves in that area and not lay ourselves open. The scripture says that he that thinks he stands take heed less he fall. Humility would seem to be a help here and being honest about our weakness, even confessing them to others that we may be prayed for and healed. To actually encourage this temptation is just madness and could show a hidden lust problem that needs dealing with.

·What should a man do in order to honor, protect and defend his wife’s dignity, and not allow a strange woman to bring shame to her?

All of the above of course. We seriously affect the intimate side of our marriages when we allow our sexual drives to flow towards others. Even when it is just in the mind as in pornography it can seriously affect our marriages and would be a kind of mental adultery. Sexual things are very important. Outside of marriage it is called fornication or adultery. Within the marriage it is blessed and even a duty. Proverbs speaks of being intoxicated with our wives only and not allowing our fountain to flow out into the streets.

Raymond

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Old 25th June 2010, 06:40 PM   #15
Raymond
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Re: Why Is Flirting Sin and Destructive to Marriage?

What does this behavior say about the state of the man’s heart and character?

One cannot judge another but it obviously shows a problem as we have discussed.

What does God have to say about a man looking/gaulking at a woman’s body?

Verse that comes to mind is Jesus words. "If any man looks on a woman to lust after her he has committed adultery in his heart already. Job in 31:1 says I have made a covenant with my eyes; why then should I look intently upon a young woman. This is where David fell as discussed previously.

Does nice clothes, (or very little clothes), pretty hair, make-up, high heeled shoes, and a flattering tongue make a woman complete? Is being drawn to women by these superficial things considered worshiping an idol or graven image?

Mmm. I like to see my wife dressed attractively in a modest way. We are told that man looks on the outward appearance but God looks on the heart. If we judge only by outward appearance we can get it very wrong. Nevertheless we should each make the most of ourselves. Of course if the dress is provocative then the wrong signals are being sent and lust can be aroused which is bad news for the man and the woman also. I think there can be the element of worshipping an idol as anything exalted above God can be an idol.

How does flirting with other women betray the purity of the marriage bed and violate the boundaries of the marriage? How could this behavior destroy our marriage?

It most certainly can destroy a marriage and has. Nothing is static and these things can build and grow in us. If we allow it to grow it can become a tree with big roots which is very difficult to remove. Better to do the weeding by cultivating our relationship with Him. It's not so much walking on a tightrope more of acknowledging and asking for God's help, strength and forgiveness.


Is it hypocritical to make a claim to Godliness while continuing in this sin?

I think it is hypocritical for anyone to make a claim to Godliness in their own strength. We are totally reliant on Christ for our righteousness, cleansing and forgiveness. It is a question on whether the problem is being dealt with or not. First must come a revelation of the sin before we are ready to acknowledge it.

What are the steps he needs to take toward correcting his behavior, and why?

First it is relationship with Christ and listening to the promptings of the Spirit. If it is as bad as you say God will be bringing the needed conviction that leads to repentance. However we can be stubborn and know how to block out revelation that might mean inconvenient change. How much do we want God's best and how much do we know that He always knows what is best for His children?

Raymond

Last edited by Raymond; 25th June 2010 at 06:46 PM.
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