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Old 17th February 2005, 11:26 PM   #1
really confused
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My wife told truth after 30 years

My situation may seen unimportant to some. Some people will think I am obsessing but I think not. I have been married for 30 years. I knew that my wife was popular in high school. We went to the same high school, started dating in college and married after graduation. She had always insisted that she was never sexually active before me and that I was her first. She said that she "had never done anything sexual with anyone else" She recently told me however,that she had engaged in some pretty heavy activity (short of intercourse) with some of her high school boyfriends who were and still are my friends. She doesn't understand why I am upset. I know that she has been faithful all these years, this happened a long time ago and should not matter. But to me the info is recent plus we have maintained friendships with a couple of these guys all these years. Am I justified in now feeling deceived having socialized all these years with guys that have intimate knowledge of my wife and not knowing. I don't know why but I feel violated. My wife thinks I'm being foolish. I'm sorry but the picture of who she was has now changed and it is awkward to look at my friends and not picture them with my wife. I have always had in my mind that the girl I married was as sexually inexperienced as I was and that we learned and grew together. We were bith raised as Catholics and went to a Catholic high school. I had never been with any other girls before I met my wife. I don't know why but I feel betrayed. Am I nuts.
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Old 18th February 2005, 02:07 PM   #2
really confused
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Re: My wife told truth after 30 years

Am I a bad Christian for feeling betrayed and deceived. I tried to life my the teachings of my Catholic upbringing and didn't engage in sexual intimacy with anyone except my wife before I was married. I thought she had done the same because she told me so. As a Christian, I can forgive her past indescretions and her deception. It is just the fact that she didn't trust me with the truth and lied to me for 30 years that hurts. Also her attitude that it was no big deal trivialized me feelings, the teachings of our Catholic faith and her actions. Remember that in the mid 60's "good girls" who were 15 & 16 didn't drop their panties for boys.
Somebody please help. Does anybody understand or am I a real jerk.
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Old 18th February 2005, 06:11 PM   #3
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Re: My wife told truth after 30 years

Dear Really Confused

On a pettifogging point of fact, nobody has had untoward knowledge of your W simply because she was not your W at the time.

I am not clear whether you wish to really think your way round this, or if you are looking to others to validate your feelings by agreeing your W is in the wrong.

The problem being, that even if you wife was slightly in the wrong for fibbing when you asked point blank (can you remember what you asked 30 years ago?) it doesn't make it to the terrible-person sort of lie. You've said you would have married her anyway, so what difference does a fumble and a fib make over a 40-year span (which is what I calculate it would be if we are talking about the mid-1960s).

Most people have to come to terms with the fact that partners have a past life and learn not to scratch at old scabs. The past cannot be changed and was not really anything to do with them, but you can sure infect the present with that kind of behaviour - and the question is 'why would you want to?'

I'm not an authority on any kind of Church rulings on pre-marital behaviour, but reading your other posts I can't help but notice that you weren't actually, techncially, legally, religiously, married when you first became intimate with this woman. You wrote:

"Yes we were both virgins for each other although we did have sex before marriage. "

If you were so bothered about religious observance, why did you engage in this practice? It makes very little difference that you intended to get married. Or that it was all Clintonesque versions of not inhaling, or whatever. My apologies if I misunderstand it, but if she was in the wrong with the other men, wasn't she just as much in the wrong with you? Weren't you even more culpable if you knew the difference between right and wrong and yet still let her go along that path? Shouldn't you have tried to stop her, even though you were enjoying yourself?

Still, that was all thirty (or forty?) years ago and who can hold a young man responsible for sowing a few tame oats? Not me, and I'm old enough to remember where I was when JFK was shot.

What I do remember about the '60s is that good girls certainly didn't get 'caught' doing anything they shouldn't. Whether they actually did it, I couldn't say because I, naturally, had nothing to do with that sort of thing. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

Over the past 40 years I have watched the peeling back of layers of hypocrisy which attempted to classify women in that way and good riddance to it. The last time Europeans got worked up over the sexual purity of someone was the late Princess of Wales, and look at what a disastrous basis for a marriage that turned out to be.

Sexual innocence is not a bad thing, it might be a good thing, but in my view it just isn't that important compared to greater virtues such as kindness, fidelity, tolerance, good humor and co-operativeness. (I ought to add here that the topic is a hot one in Europe because of ethinc groups which regard female sexual purity as a proxy for family honour. I don't think family honour is an issue in Catholicism, is it?)

It would be a good idea to talk to a church person about your feelings as I think it may help to sort out the difference between the levels of observance one can expect from one's self, and the levels it is reasonable to expect from other people.

I hope you can find a way round this and be completely happy again.
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Old 24th February 2005, 07:24 AM   #4
Hopeful
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Re: My wife told truth after 30 years

Quote:
Originally Posted by really confused
I have been married for 30 years. I knew that my wife was popular in high school. We went to the same high school, started dating in college and married after graduation. She had always insisted that she was never sexually active before me and that I was her first. She said that she "had never done anything sexual with anyone else" She recently told me however,that she had engaged in some pretty heavy activity (short of intercourse) with some of her high school boyfriends who were and still are my friends. She doesn't understand why I am upset.
Really confused,

Water under the bridge. You should probably think that you are quite a man to have captivated such a 'popular' woman from the clutches of the other beasts. She didn't do it with the others, OK? But she did dedicate 30 years of her marriage with you. I don't know what brought on the conversation to where she felt she needed to tell you. Maybe she wanted to come clean? If she has no desire to flirt with your friends or cheat on you, but told you anyway, she might be wanting to clear her conscience. Would you consider it better if she kept it from you? What you don't know won't hurt you, right? Well, if she is telling you without aim to hurt you, you better wrap it up quick before it becomes something when it is not. End of story. Apologize to that fine woman and thank her for picking you over the others.

My wife thinks I never took interest in girls before we met. Or that I ever dated. But I know if I told her who all I dated before we got engaged, she would probably have a fit. But I don't tell her because I love her too much and they are past history now. Water under the bridge. I know that my wife had several boyfriends, but never admitted to having any type of sexual activity with them. She was proposed to once or twice but dumped the guys. She was looking for something better. Then one day she called me and I answered. What mattered, my friend, was that moment and all the time after.

Hopeful
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Old 24th February 2005, 07:41 AM   #5
Hopeful
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Re: My wife told truth after 30 years

Quote:
Originally Posted by really confused
Am I a bad Christian for feeling betrayed and deceived. I tried to life my the teachings of my Catholic upbringing and didn't engage in sexual intimacy with anyone except my wife before I was married. I thought she had done the same because she told me so. As a Christian, I can forgive her past indescretions and her deception.
Really confused,

I am happy that you are an example of virtuous living. Not many around these days. What exactly are the teachings of your Catholic upbringing on forgiveness? You stated in the previous post that she didn't have intercourse with the other boys. So, what is your point?

Quote:
Originally Posted by really confused
It is just the fact that she didn't trust me with the truth and lied to me for 30 years that hurts.
Maybe she really love you and didn't trust you with the truth because you probably couldn't handle the truth at the time. She probably knew that you would blow a fuse and that she might loose the one she had love for. Thirty years is a long marriage, ya know.

Quote:
Originally Posted by really confused
Also her attitude that it was no big deal trivialized me feelings, the teachings of our Catholic faith and her actions.
Because it was no big deal. It isn't the trivialization of past deeds, but the making a mountain out of a mole hill that is the problem. Pretend you are wearing a t-shirt that reads, "She picked me, guys!"

Quote:
Originally Posted by really confused
Remember that in the mid 60's "good girls" who were 15 & 16 didn't drop their panties for boys.
Some did. But what really matters is that your wife dropped hers for you;-) Consider yourself lucky. She gave you something special; her body, her life, and her love. Send her flowers today to remind her that you appreciate her. She just might remind you how special you really are.

Quote:
Originally Posted by really confused
Somebody please help. Does anybody understand or am I a real jerk.
Do you really want me to answer that one? I don't think so.

Hopeful
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Old 24th February 2005, 12:44 PM   #6
really confused
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Re: My wife told truth after 30 years

No, no reply necessary. I know the answer. I have forgiven my wife for not sharing the truth. I know some will say that there is no need for forgiveness since she did nothing wrong. I am just hurt and feel that i don't really know her. She has always been a bit closed. She does not share feelings well and has a ever present shell around her. I did feel proud that my wife chose me and still do. It's just that I also have the feeling that there are guys that can look at her and think "I got a little taste and a cheap feel before you"
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Old 24th February 2005, 03:59 PM   #7
heard enough wining
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Re: My wife told truth after 30 years

Get a grip idiot. You forgive her for what? Being popular? Exploring her sexuality? That is normal youthful curiosity, insecurity and growing. She evidently had boundries and maintained them. According to you she kept her virginity (for you) so what is your problem. You should be thankful that a desirable girl who was sought after be so many saw fit to settle for a wining looser. She deserved better. Grow up!!
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Old 24th February 2005, 05:15 PM   #8
Sierra
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Re: My wife told truth after 30 years

Boy you got that right!!! Talk about "inventing" problems.

You've got a lot of nerve. You say she is a "bit closed". I wonder why.

Here's the deal. Other boys (and I mean boys, not men) kissed. Hugged her. They made out. Touched. Whatever.

Big god dammed deal.

Its really all about jealousy isn't it. It turns out she may have gotten more than you and you can't stand it.

When you see these guys that "got a little taste" tell them thank you. They helped deliver the woman you love to you in such a way that the two of you have been together 30 years. She is a product of her experiences in life you know, and you seem to love the product.

I you still must whine, think of it this way: they tasted the icing, the cake has always been only for you.

Now shut up, grow up and stop being a jerk.

D
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Old 24th February 2005, 06:36 PM   #9
Kate
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Re: My wife told truth after 30 years

Dear Sierra

Please stop being aggressive. This guy is not a jerk, but your behaviour is rude and what you say is offensive rather than constructive. No doubt you will complain about my commenting on your behaviour and all that rubbish about how hard we moderators are on you (whining?), but we keep telling you that people who come here are hurting and they don't need you to rub their noses in it. There are ways to challenge people with out being offensive. Why don't you learn how!

Kate
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Old 24th February 2005, 07:27 PM   #10
Sierra
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Re: My wife told truth after 30 years

Fine. So be it. But there is a big difference between real hurt and this kind of self-inflicted melodrama.

What about the hurt to the wife. She hasn't done anything wrong and is essentially being shunned.

Women are not possessions. You take them as you find them. I'm sorry his "dream" is destroyed because she kissed someone else before she met him.

He should spend a little more time trying to fill his head with images of her loving him.

D



P.s. The guy before me called him an idiot. How come he didn't get in trouble?
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Old 24th February 2005, 07:40 PM   #11
Kate
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Re: My wife told truth after 30 years

Neither post were particularly helpful, but you have a wonderful way with words. If you used that to challenge gently and be constructive then you could make a really positive contribution to the board!
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Old 24th February 2005, 07:43 PM   #12
Sierra
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Re: My wife told truth after 30 years

I'm sorry. I suppose there is too much cowboy in me, but I think that talking is fine sometimes and other times people just need a trip to the "woodshed" whether they like it or not.

I will try to be less insulting.

D
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Old 24th February 2005, 10:19 PM   #13
really confused
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Re: My wife told truth after 30 years

I have not shunned my wife. Quite the opposite, I have ben trying desparately to reindle a long dead spark. Maybe we are going about it in the wrong way but I felt that we needed to "clear the air" of alot of things that have been going on in our minds for quite some time. I took no offense to anything said here. If you can't take a punch don't stick your chin out. Actually, I think I really wanted to feel secure in the fact that these feelings are unwaranted and I need to put them to rest. It is just hard to do so.
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Old 24th February 2005, 10:23 PM   #14
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Re: My wife told truth after 30 years

If you are trying to rekindle a spark what on earth are you doing thinking about this stuff. If your car won't start how do you improve the situation by letting the air out of the tires.

If you want to rekindle a spark, the next time you have a chance come up behind her quitely, kiss her softly on the neck, tell her you love her and that she is all you ever wanted, and kiss her softly some more. Think of HER pleasure when you do this.

If all goes well, the rest will begin to take care of itself.

D
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Old 24th February 2005, 10:29 PM   #15
Hopeful
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Re: My wife told truth after 30 years

Quote:
Originally Posted by really confused
No, no reply necessary. I know the answer. I have forgiven my wife for not sharing the truth. I know some will say that there is no need for forgiveness since she did nothing wrong.
Really confused,

I think someone is now ready to ask for an apology. How about it? What she didn't do before you got married is nothing in comparison to what you are doing or have done to her now after thirty years.

Quote:
Originally Posted by really confused
I am just hurt and feel that i don't really know her. She has always been a bit closed. She does not share feelings well and has a ever present shell around her.
OK. You felt hurt. But now you hurt her. It would be a dream to think that every spouse saved himself/herself just for the other. But people are human and some experiment. So, she allowed herself to indulge in some relationships that you wouldn't approve of today. But that was, indeed, yesterday way before she committed herself to you. We can never really know the other, including our spouses. If we did, we would have nothing to talk about - or argue. We all have a bit of mystery and some shameful moments we'd rather not discuss with those we truly love; hence the reason for close friends we can entrust our thoughts. She probably held such facts close to her chest like a hand full of cards because she just wanted you to get that much closer. Thirty years of marriage is a good long time to entrust one's whole life and body to only one other person. Now you know a little more about her. But if your actions indicate the type of environment she lives under daily, then it is no wonder why she lives in a shell. Maybe she didn't put that shell there; maybe you did, one layer at a time?

Quote:
Originally Posted by really confused
I did feel proud that my wife chose me and still do. It's just that I also have the feeling that there are guys that can look at her and think "I got a little taste and a cheap feel before you"
Good. But they didn't get the oyster. You did, big guy! What they think is only in your mind. They can also be thinking how damn lucky that guy (you) are today. I mean, thirty years with some nice babe, whereas they can only reflect on the crumbs of yesteryear. You got the cake and were able to eat it too.

Before you let this continue, my friend, get on your knee, take her hand, and apologize to her. It is OK to brief her about your obsessive jealousy and how you let it go out of control because you only love her too much to think straight, but now you realize that it was nothing as long as you have her today. Others may think of ... (whatever in the past) but you are able to hold her right now and kiss her. Let her know that it is OK to tell you things and that you won't hold it against her or get out of whack. Cheap thrills only last for the moment; loving commitments last a lifetime. Show her who's the big daddy. You apology might raise her eyebrows. And then say to yourself, "I have the entire banquet before me!"

Hopeful
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