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Old 15th January 2009, 02:09 PM   #16
Raymond
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Re: Make love to your wife or masturbate ??? my husband prefers the later choice

I agree with 1okgal analysis. We have been over this many times on here and seem to have reached a sort of consensus on it.

It goes far beyond the man just Oing by himself then not wanting IC. Porn and solo MB are killers of the normal sex drive as part of relationship with ones wife. A lot of solo MB will include fantasies of others either through porn or the sheer ability to fantasise which I believe can go into a dangerous area. All these things have the effect of seperating yourself sexually and even relationally from your wife. Mental adultery in short.

This is a true story believe it or not just for your ears. A man and wife were in a marriage where the husband preferred his fantasies and pleasing himself. Quite often in these fantasies he would see a young blonde girl of about five years (I think spiritual things are involved here hence the danger). On this day the girl was in his fantasies again. He then went downstairs and was surprised to see the actual girl of the fantasy. He ended up molesting her. She had been left with the couple to look after by her trusted parents. His wife discovered him and called the police. The man was arrested protesting that he had never molested children before, (although the seeds were obviously there in his fantasies).

This is an extreme case but it underlines what can happen in the realm of fantasy where it can be more than meets the eye.

Names have not been given here, but the couple came for help at a much later date to a certain ministry I know about and this is part of what happened.

Raymond

Last edited by Raymond; 15th January 2009 at 02:15 PM.
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Old 15th January 2009, 05:16 PM   #17
MarkTwain
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Re: Make love to your wife or masturbate ??? my husband prefers the later choice

Raymond-

That story is a little over the top, in that most people would not do something so immoral or break the law due to a fantasy.

Most fantasies are never acted out, much to the annoyance of many a husband. For instance many women say they never fantasize, yet under closer questioning they do. A sexual daydream is a fantasy for instance, and most women will admit to that.

but going back to your story, any man who prefers his own hand over his willing wife has serious problems. It happens, and this forum is full of it, but I would not say it is a high percentage of all marriages.

In fact, I would love to know the percentage...
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Old 16th January 2009, 09:25 AM   #18
Raymond
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Re: Make love to your wife or masturbate ??? my husband prefers the later choice

Trouble is it is not a story Mark. It is true even if it is extreme. It may be true that most fantasies stay fantasies but you cannot always be sure if the opportunity presented itself. With the solo MB as well it is mental adultery in my book.

I don't know about % but I do know that porn figures in 50% of divorces in the US.

Raymond
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Old 10th February 2009, 10:05 PM   #19
ard061106
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Re: Make love to your wife or masturbate ??? my husband prefers the later choice

I am a 28 year old married woman living in London. I am not from the Uk, I moved here from the US to be with my husband, giving up my job and new apartment in the name of compromising and in what worked for both of us at the time. It was difficult for me to adjust here, especially since I am studying and lost my job 6 months ago. I have noticed that my husband was very distant for the past 4 months. We hardly make love/sex nowadays, when we use to have passionate sex on average 4-6 times a week. It is now down to 3 - 5 times a month. However, now there is no passion, just sex...physical sex. I went through a very dark phase in my live lately, feeling down, insecure, a failure , etc. My husband noticed this in me and tried to help. I told him how I felt a week ago about how I feel that every time we are in bed, it's very physical..as if I was a piece of meat. I questioned myself if I was not attractive enough anymore, if I let myself go and this took a real stab at my self esteem. Yesterday, I woke up earlier than expected and cought my husband masturbating while watching porn online. I felt like my heart was stabbed with a thousand knives. I took a pair of PJ's and stayed at the nearest hotel. He said that he has a problem, an addiction and that he's going to get help. He made several calls to get help today and I am sure he will try to get the help he needs. However, I don't feel like I can stay married to him anymore because of what he has done. He saw me going through depression and I begged him to let me know what was going on, which he put the blame on his stress at the time. I want out. He's begging me to stay with him. I just feel like he will put me through so much more in the future and I have lost trust in him. I know he hasn't slept with another woman but I still feel betrayed. I could be talking out of anger, but I would really like to know if there are other women out there that I can get advice from and share stories because I don't have anyone to talk to.
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Old 11th February 2009, 06:31 AM   #20
lucyjuice
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Red face Re: Make love to your wife or masturbate ??? my husband prefers the later choice

You know I was in a similar situation, and guess what I beat him at his own game... I researched some sites and found one, that suited my needs.

Since then I haven't regretted it and actually now my hubby needs me more so using affairs sites like loveisthebug et al, can actually save relationships too.

And girls, not every guy wants sex, sometimes they just need a friend and a coffee!
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Old 11th February 2009, 09:24 AM   #21
Raymond
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Re: Make love to your wife or masturbate ??? my husband prefers the later choice

Ard I sympathise with you. You are very perceptive. You knew something was wrong even before you found out. Porn is mental adultery and does affect a marriage and the sexual intimacy within it. It is completely understandable how you feel.

Is he able to overcome this? He might be able to, but until he is able to it is like you having sex with other women partaking as well. They will be in his head as well and causing him not to be sensitive to you.

If you cannot live with this it is your prerogative to exit the marriage. If he hates it enough he can overcome it, although with some it has entered an addiction state and needs drastic action.

Raymond
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Old 12th February 2009, 02:41 AM   #22
ard061106
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Re: Make love to your wife or masturbate ??? my husband prefers the later choice

Thank you Raymond.

I found out that he has this ‘urge’ and then he masturbates rather than coming to me. He explained to me that it makes him feel like he is away from all the stress around him. Life has been difficult lately, especially financially. So I understand that part of it. However, he also explained to me that when he masturbates (he calls it ‘having a moment’) he does it in a very sexual way, without any emotions and that’s why he doesn’t want to bring this in bed. So the best way of avoiding treating me like some meat was by not having sex with me at all. I too noticed that we were not making love anymore ( about 6 months now) and told him how I felt about it two weeks ago and that I don’t feel loved and that I am being pushed away. And of course at this point I asked myself if I let myself go (gained 5 lbs only though), if I couldn’t please him anymore and basically blamed myself for him not wanting me anymore. His response to this was that he is so stressed, that I should not blame myself and that it will get better. I had asked him if he was taking care of himself and he acted so shocked that I would ask such a thing and said he wasn’t and couldn’t even think about sex because of the stress at work and at home. In the past, when we were engaged and not living together and as a married couple, we would tell each other when we ‘had a moment’, as he calls it, and tell the other that their were on our mind.

Now, he has told me that he it addicted to masturbating and that he has done this while watching porn about five times. He also told me that he doesn’t feel better after he is done and that he does this about 5 times a week and max of 3 times a day.

He made an appointment to speak to someone about this today and I went with him and waited in the waiting room. As I waited, trying to read a magazine, I felt like a friend, not like a wife. I don’t know how to explain how I feel anymore. I want to stay with him because I know he loves me, use to go crazy over me, but there is a big part of me that believes he will hurt me again and it will only get worse. A pessimist, some would say, but, I also need to start loving myself again.

It hurts me to think that he saw me going through depression the last couple of months, he even told me that he thinks I am depressed and he did nothing to help. I felt like I was in a black grave like hole, trying to climb out but didn’t have the physical and mental strength. After our talk I mentioned earlier, I forced myself to get out of bed, go for a walk, call friends, etc…and now I have fallen in a deeper whole. He saw me suffer and didn’t confess that our marriage problems had nothing to do with me. Nor did he give me a reason why the sex in our marriage was not the same and why he didn’t desire me anymore. A part of me has died. I believed in love and in wedding vows and that a man can be faithful. My father and mother have a very healthy relationship, I too thought that I deserve a person to love me back as much as I love them and not all men are unfaithful.

God I wrote so much. Sorry for boring you death.

Once again, thank you for listening and for your feedback. Greatly appreciated.
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Old 12th February 2009, 02:21 PM   #23
Raymond
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Re: Make love to your wife or masturbate ??? my husband prefers the later choice

You are not boring me Ard. Your comments are very valid. Also you musn't blame yourself as the problem is in him not you. Men are under temptation in this way in this era but if there is no resistance havoc can be reaped in a marriage. In the USA porn figures in 50% of divorces. It is probably not much different in the UK. It is basically a sexual unfaithfulness.

There is obviously a diversion of the sexual drive going on which is affecting the intimacy you should have. It is not just a diversion it is a kind of mental adultery, which is the damaging part. Jesus said if one looks at another woman to lust after her you have already committed adultery with her in your heart. Sex is that important and only belongs in the marriage between the husband and wife.

With regard to MB it is not so much the act but what is in the mind when doing it. If the mind is filled with fantasies of other women that can be damaging and addictive and obviously affect the marital intimacy.

At least he is trying to get help with this. It will be a fight if he is addicted and he needs to uderstand what is going on and how it robs you both of the real intimacy you should both have.

It must be awful for you to be dragged though this Ard but we live in an age when porn is available at the touch of a button and many are allowing themselves to become addicted. Some make light of it but I feel they do not understand the implications and the damage it can do to ones sexual make-up. If he could really understand that he will have more motivation for knocking it on the head. If he won't fight I don't know how you can live with this stuff.

Raymond
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Old 14th February 2009, 01:00 PM   #24
Raymond
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Re: Make love to your wife or masturbate ??? my husband prefers the later choice

Is there porn involved in this Elizabeth or is it just mb on it's own? It may be that he came into marriage with this habit and cannot beat it. The main problem is what is happening in his head? Is he fantasising about other women? Some can have pretty strong imaginations. It is a kind of mental adultery if that is happening. He almost certainly is imagining other women as he does it. If he could see it as mental adultery there is hope. At the very least he is denying you the marriage rights you should expect in marriage.

Raymond
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Old 17th February 2009, 08:03 PM   #25
ard061106
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Re: Make love to your wife or masturbate ??? my husband prefers the later choice

[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3]Hi Raymond. I just want to thank you for your help in a difficult time in my life. [/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3] [/SIZE][/FONT]
[SIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]I had a wonderful, best in my life Valentine’s Day this year…My husband went to a S.A.A meeting for the first time to admit to his addiction. I hope you sensed the sarcasm of this being the best Valentines. Anyhow, I went with him and waited with a frozen cup of coffee that was not even once sipped while I tried to read my book wondering what the person I married was confessing to. The thought made me nauseous. An hour later, a man that appeared to have less weight on his shoulders and a huge smile walked towards me and hugged me for a good 15 minutes. [/FONT][/SIZE]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3] [/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3]We had dinner while he told me things that he wanted to share with me, things that he tried to forget, he was robbed of his innocence when he was 13 years old. It broke my heart to hear how he was treated by an adult at such a young age. [/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3] [/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3]We are truly trying to work things out while he goes to therapy and to the SAA meetings. The one thing I now know is that he is trying so hard to become a better man and that I will be there for him all the way. I envy his courage, as most people that have been sexually molested do not have the courage or strength to tell anyone, let alone seek help.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3] [/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3]As for me, I am learning to love myself by taking care of myself and plan to go through counselling.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3] [/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3]I hope that God gives me and anyone out there who’s going through a difficult time, the strength that is needed. [/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3] [/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3]Once again, thank you. God bless.[/SIZE][/FONT]
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Old 18th February 2009, 09:38 AM   #26
Raymond
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Re: Make love to your wife or masturbate ??? my husband prefers the later choice

That's really great Ard. You are one of the few that has ended up with a positive. It will be a battle as you know, but you can make it with His help.

Raymond
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Old 24th February 2009, 01:20 PM   #27
nw_guy
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Re: Make love to your wife or masturbate ??? my husband prefers the later choice

Ladies, It is not just men that lose their sex drive.
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Old 12th March 2009, 02:15 PM   #28
Raymond
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Re: Make love to your wife or masturbate ??? my husband prefers the later choice

I always say it [B]is [/B]a kind of mental adultery BrokenHearted. You were quoting Jesus words when he said that if anyone looks at a woman to lust after her he has already committed adultery with her in his heart. That is what is happening in pornography and many times the MB because of what the mind fixes itself on when it happens. We have been over this subject quite a lot in the past.

No there is nothing wrong with you BH. He probably came into the marriage with the habit. It will rob you of the intimacy you should have as it is a misdirection of the sex drive and will affect the sex even when it happens because of it. When he feels like sex his mind will be filled with these images he remembers from the porn and he will seek it again or maybe just remember the images while he MB.

It is good that you are in a church. That will help a lot if you have pastors who know how to deal with this. He will have a battle to win to be free of it but he will have to face the truth of it to start. No all men do not do it. I know it would detrimentally affect my sex life if I did. It's husbands love your wives not some porn image.

You have to confront it which you have. All I can say is that he can get free if he wants to with all his heart. He will need that commitment to do it. It would help if he is a believer as God can work on his concience as He does. Saying all men do it is a bit of a cop out. He needs to get beyond that.

Raymond
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Old 4th April 2009, 12:30 AM   #29
rppearso
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Re: Make love to your wife or masturbate ??? my husband prefers the later choice

Why did he get a prostitue?
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Old 4th April 2009, 11:40 PM   #30
rppearso
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Re: Make love to your wife or masturbate ??? my husband prefers the later choice

Ok but why did he feel the need to get a prostitue? If he did stuff with her he was obviously able to get it up and get off with a real person which is different than doing it with porn.

[quote=1aokgal;43636]I was asked what happened the last time we were together? That is ancient history. I don't remember being with him or what happened..probably nothing happened.

I don't remember intimacy. That is part of life I lost. Strange as it seems, he is anxious to come home when he can be here. I care deeply for him. I just don't think of him often in any intimate way.[/quote]
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