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Old 2nd August 2006, 12:35 AM   #1
zed_199
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Unhappy Is Reconciling the answer?

Hi everyone - my wife and I had split about 5 months ago (married 1 year) - it was over a big argument - my wife would never talked to me or try to compromise in any given situation we had - I felt I was doing a lot of the compromising - in any case we had a big fight - I told my wife to move back in with mom - Nothing I could do or say would change anything - So moved back in with momd - I then called her a week later and asked that we get counciling - she turned me down cold - she didn't want to work things out.

Most of our arguments ended up on a bad note - she would ignore me, not want to talk with me - instead she go to mom's and stay there for 3 days. I was getting tired of this, and fustrated - we were going no where? Thats why I got fed up and sent her packin!

The second month of our split I found out she was going to her home town with her mom & sister over seas, she was very eager to meet up with her childhood sweetheart and see if they could find the spark again - to her surprise he's with another woman - Engaged and he had lied to her saying he was single - When she got home she was still in love with the man he used to be and was talking about how great he was to our common friends etc? She probably knew it would get back to me? Maybe she was trying to make me Jealous - by this time it hurt more - but I didn't care - I was beginning to move on.

So just a few days ago we met up for coffee and she wants to reconcile - she had come to me with the truth - she had gone back to see if there was still a spark- She also told me she always had feelings for him ever since we got married - she was honest in every way - she didn't have any physical contact with him (sex). She just wanted to see if they still had the "SPARK." - Which they didn't they ended up arguing and fighting because he's an alcoholic and a drug abuser? Plus his "Wife to be found out"

He ended up making her pay for all of their little outings while she was there?

I suppose its just the thought knowing why I was never number 1 in her heart that really makes me afraid of reconciling - She had the excuse to go, maybe she needed to find out and settle some un-finished business? It doesn't make this any easier.

I have gone on dates in the mean time as well - but just dates, (Coffee) nothing physical in that sence - but that was only in the last month.

So now she wants to get counceling - I am not opposed to the idea - I just don't know if its the right thing? I love my wife we did share some wonderful times together in the past 6 years of knowing each other?

If someone could shed a little light for me , that would be great.
Thanks
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Old 2nd August 2006, 12:06 PM   #2
markus
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Re: Is Reconciling the answer?

6 years together and only been married one year when she decided to walk off looking for a knight in shining armour is very selfish
Ive read many stories online where people have forgiven partners like this only for them to do the same kind of thing again in the future
We convince ourselves that there are reasons for this kind of thing but theres no real excuse - they are the problem
If you have learned to live without this women ok and if theres no children involved why not continue moving on
My wife had an affair before we had children and got married and i convinced myself that she would not do it again and now two children and 10 years later im devastated to find that she's had another affair which lasted last two years

It could work out for you or you could end up thinking in a few years 'what a major mistake '

Dunno ?

Last edited by markus; 2nd August 2006 at 12:19 PM.
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Old 2nd August 2006, 01:05 PM   #3
disbelief
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Re: Is Reconciling the answer?

Hi Zed,

Ditto Markus.

I think the writing is on the wall. I'd say there's a massive risk factor here as she seems to have little regard for others outside of herself. Someone who is so self absorbed can totally drain you over time and/or end up "following their heart" and stabbing you in the back. Trust me, I've been there and learned a hard life lesson! I'd say that she hasn't agreed to counselling for your sake at all, only for her own selfish means to get you back - until the next "knight" gallops by.

Disbelief
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Old 2nd August 2006, 05:12 PM   #4
Helen
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Re: Is Reconciling the answer?

Hi Zed,

I would also echo the sentiments expressed so far. The fact is, your wife wants to reconcile not because her former lover uses drugs and booze. (After all, she knew this before she flew out to see him). No, she wants to reconcile with you a) because her former lover is now engaged to be married and she cannot get one over on the other woman and b) because she wanted him to treat her like his long lost princess and he didn't.

What a shame for her...

It is clear from the fact that he lied to her that he was not interested in giving up his fiancee for her. What he was probably hoping for was to have your wife on the side. Not an arrangement she is comfortable with hence she is now running back to you. I agree with Disbelief and Markus. The minute 'someone better' (to her mind) comes along she will be off again. Her future with this man wasn't even sure or secure but she still ran off and risked destroying her marriage to 'see if there was a spark'. She may be talking about coming back to you now but what she is also talking about is compromise. She isn't coming back to you because she wants to. She is coming back because he isn't as available as she would like him to be.

You mess with women like that at your peril. Speaking as another woman, I would say don't go there...


Helen
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