hopeless marriage
Please pardon the long post.
My husband and I(both early 30) got married three years ago. We didn’t have sex before our wedding, but I never worried we’d have any problem in bed because we had such great chemistry when we were dating. He was a virgin and I was not because I was atheist.
We first had sex the third day on our honeymoon. Afterward he said he was not planning to have sex with me that night. I felt extremely disappointed and humiliated. But I thought he was just nervous because he had no sexual experience. During the whole honeymoon, we managed to have sex three times only but I thought he was just tired from the wedding.
Every time I ask him why he doesn’t want to have sex with me, his answer was the same “I do want have sex with you.” Was it because he was taught sex was evil when he was young? Was it because I was not a virgin like him and he considered me unclean? I asked him all the possible reasons and he denied them all.
After the honeymoon, we had sex once a week because I insisted it. After a while it became once every two weeks. Now it’s once every five weeks or more. I have cried many times in front of him and shared my feeling with him countless times. He would say sorry and promised he would solve the problem. But he did nothing for the last three years.
I felt ashamed and blamed myself at the beginning but now I don’t really care about anything. I don’t really want to divorce my husband. But the same time, I really feel that I don’t have any connection with him. All we do is to eat together. He barely spends time with me as he wants his ‘me’ time with his computers and games etc.
I used to try to have sex with him, but he would say NO without thinking. He only does it so that our marriage is not completely sexless. I try not to think about it and pretend that everything is fine like my husband does. But I know I am NOT normal any more. Not only I don’t ask him to have sex with me, I feel very uncomfortable when he touches me. We don’t even kiss kiss now. I have forced myself not to think about sex at all. My body still has desires as I am still very young, but my mind is completely switched off when sex is concerned.
I am a Christian now and my church is very strict. Divorce is out of options. I have prayed that God will save me my miserable marriage, but I still feel sad from time to time. I don’t love him anymore. All the feelings I have in front of him are: anger, sadness, humiliation and depression.
Sex is God's gift and its part of the marriage according to the Bible. I just don’t understand. Why my husband decided to marry me if all he wants is his ‘me’ time? Three years past, I am still not pregnant. Giving the frequency we have sex now, I may never able to have babies. Is this a test from God? Or is it a punishment?
Sorry the post is so long and my English is so poor. Please give me some advice/support if you have similar problems.
Last edited by hopelessMarriage; 2nd June 2010 at 06:57 PM.
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