Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Chapel
University
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre

Contents
Articles
Books
CDs / Videos
Tips
Services

Resources
Forums
Membership
Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us

Search

Take the Couple Check-up!

Marriage Week UK

Marriage first aid

Online support for your marriage

Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet


Home > Forums
2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums  
Old 18th March 2016, 09:57 AM   #1
bonster109
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 2
Can we save our marriage

Ian and I have been happy most of our marriage. We are in a big problem right now. He suffered a nervous breakdown and depression this December. His work got him a counselor and medication. He was doing better but at the end of January told me he wanted a separation and believed he had fallen out of love with me. I was devastated and thrown off guard. He told me what I had not been giving him in the relationship. I asked to try and fix things and he said he would be willing to try. I should have told him to leave but because I love him I bargained and he stayed. Since then he has played with my emotions and gone from I love you to I hate you over and over again. He now is not with me as I had to get the cops to tell him to leave. There is more to the story which I will be happy to explain. The main problem is he lied over and over again so I believe he is not getting the professional help he needs. He lost his job and pretended to go to it for over a week. He became infatuated with an ex friend of mine and started to buy her very expensive things without paying for our rent, etc. He called me and told me on the past Monday that he was doing a bit of overtime and would be home soon. I never saw or heard from him again until on Tuesday when I went to the ex friend's house and he was asleep on her couch. I don't know if they are having an affair but he does talk to her about me so in my books that is an emotional affair. She says she has a boyfriend and is only Ian's friend. I am concerned he is getting council from her as she is an alcoholic and mentally unstable with a long line of doctors and medications. I stopped being her friend as she would pass out drunk in front of my children and I did not want for them to see that. How do I get my husband the help he needs? I still love him but believe if he can not stop the lies I can never take him back. Right now he is angry I found his safe haven and he is lashing out. He came to my home after I found him at hers and begged to stay for a few days until he could find his own place. I told him he was hurting me emotionally and I could not have him there. He then told me he was not leaving and to call the cops. I did and they made him leave. I told him we had friends that would let him stay with them. He screamed NO. I offered to pack him a bag, he said NO. From some of the previous conversations we have had when he seemed to be rational and not lying, he believes I control him and he has been my lap dog for years. He says he will never let me do that to him again. My mom says he maybe an adaptive child and has no self esteem. I believe he is at her house as she is usually passed out from being drunk and on pain killers. He keeps texting me kind then mean things. I made him a bag of clothes and left it at a friend's so I would not have to see him. As soon as they texted him to come and get it he texted me to get a lawyer and he wants to see our car to get some money. The car is legally in my name so don't think I need to do that. I have made my own rule that I will not respond to him for a week so he can maybe rationalize all this. Maybe he will come to his senses but I think he needs help
bonster109 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th March 2016, 11:05 AM   #2
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Can we save our marriage

Sounds like he is not speaking reason just now. I don't think staying with an alcoholic woman will help him. I think you are wise to stay separated just now. For someone to say I hate you, I hate you spells the end of a marriage for me. Hopefully it is his sickness or the breakdown thing speaking.

I think all you can do is help him from a distance which you are doing. I wouldn't allow him to plunder what you have if it isn't food and clothing. You need protection here. As regards this plot in his head about you controlling him I don't think you can discuss that reasonably in his present state of mind. One just has to pray for his recovery and hope he gets the right help to get his feet on solid ground. At the moment he is breathing fire and you have to be careful in case you get burnt.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th March 2016, 02:23 PM   #3
Lustinemae16
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 3
Re: Can we save our marriage

It seems both of you needs a counselor to save your marriage. Just hold on till your partner realizes the worth and importance of your marriage. Do ways that will make him in love with you again. Do the past things that make him in love with you so much.
Lustinemae16 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th March 2016, 10:31 PM   #4
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: Can we save our marriage

I think that for your own protection and your childrens protection you need to cut off all contact for some time, at least until he recognises that he needs real help and gets it. Maybe tell him in a letter or email clearly that you cannot have him back until he gets real professional help and is working on his issues. Then leave him to make his mind up what he will do. If he does get help and begins to improve, then in time maybe you can have some marriage counseling to see if the marriage is able to be saved. Its I also think that you need legal advise to protect yourself and the children from his attempts to take your car and money.

This must be awful for the children, you must put them first.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20th March 2016, 05:56 AM   #5
bonster109
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 2
Re: Can we save our marriage

Just to clarify, our children are now adults but have always had a tight bond with us. My daughter is 22 and was crying yesterday that what if her dad does not wake up to reality and her children don't have him as a grandfather. My boys have been very supportive. They said if it was me acting crazy they would be helping dad. I am just having a real hard time sleeping and not crying. I have been going to work but having a hard time consintrating. How do I heal and feel better? Who do I find that can maybe talk to him and he'll him see her needs help?
bonster109 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20th March 2016, 06:04 PM   #6
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Can we save our marriage

Help is usually available when one really wants it. If it was me I would pray and look for the right safe openings to say something. Sometimes one doesn't want an help and they have then to learn by experience. I think it is good to want to help but in your situation you also need to keep boundaries until he is more approachable.

If things get really bad then there may be a place to accept what has happened instead of getting depressed about it. You can only do what you can do.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 12:09 PM.


Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


Top

Copyright ©1999-2024 2-in-2-1 Limited. All rights reserved. Disclaimer