I am left devastated because he has left

Oh dear Crush why do our Ex's have to be so dammed selfish when it comes to the kids.

Your Ex is a fool to put his mates and the Pub before your kids, but you don't need me to tell you that.

Hugz JB xxxx

Why do ex's have to be so damned selfish and they lie and they lie. He told our son last week that he is not seeing ow anymore and that he would not be seeing her again. However, at the weekend my son went to his footy match and she was there and they were holding hands, cuddling etc. Then I find out that he is staying there again and when I confronted him he just said he did not know what he was doing from one day to the next. The thing I cannot stand is that I am used to his lies but to keep lying to his kids is just cruel. He did not see them at all this weekend because he has spent it with her and in the pub all over the weekend, how selfish is he. When it suits him he wants them but when he has other things to do he lets them down.

It has always amazed me how they change so much he is just such a different person even his mates have said the same yet he still sees himself as the victim, purely priceless. He just walks all over me all the time even when I think I am getting stronger he manages to make me feel like rubbish.

When does this all end!?

[georgie]

Crush, sometimes I read ur posts and wonder if we were have the same X!! Mine has bought himself a 5 bedroom house, is getting married on the 19th of April, going to Europe for 3 weeks honeymoon, has bought himself a new wardrobe of clothes for the purpose, has a vast collection of new CD's, has just spent thousands on cosmetic dental work - but tells our kids he cant buy them anything because I owe him money... grrrrr (and I mean not even an ice cream without them getting the 'im so hard done by' speach from him)
I am waiting on a court date for Family court. Only 5% of people here end up in family court, but my X is so stuck in the victim role that he is dragging me there as he doesnt see why he should have to contribute to the kids education and health.. This is a man that walked away with a big chunk of my substantial redundancy payment too, he's feels hard done by!!!

Anyhow, they are what the are (no good). They're not going to change. With the kids I feel i'm doing constant damage control due to his insensitivity, and general lack of concern for their welfare. His parents now know that my kids are aware that he is getting married in April, but he has yet to tell them that she is more then an aquaintance. So they spend time with him well aware of the underlying lies.

How best to handle their disregard for their relationship with their kids I dont know. My policy at the momment is to discuss it as honestly as I can with my kids. I'm a little afraid of how things will go in the long term, i intend to get them some counselling. I know how vindictive he is and I know how manipulative he can be, i'm worried that he will use his skill to get revenge on me (for my wrongs????) by manipulating the kids... but all I can do is be honest and try my best to be a good parent.

Dont give an inch on anything Crush, the law wont grant u anything your not entitled to, dont take a penny less. If u gave him everything he wouldn't be satisfied.. so just worry about you and the kids xxx

Georgie I couldn't agree with you more. He is after me for money, lots of it wanting me to sell the house so he can buy one for himself. He does not really care where I end up so long as he gets what he wants. It all seems so unfair that I will be paying for his mistakes for the rest of my life. I will always be indebted to him financially as I cannot afford to pay him off at this moment so will have to wait till kids are older and sell up then he will get his money. I feel my future will never be secured due to this as in the back of my mind I will always know I have to get out of here for his sake.

He is still seeing ow again although he is not saying anything. She is massive financial troubles and think this is one of the reasons he left her. I even said to him that if you loved her this would not matter you would help her and that the relationship could not be that strong, and he even agreed with me!!!! Still he goes back as he cannot bear to be on his own and not have all the attention she throws at him. I have always said it was false and I don't think I am wrong.

I am trying to sort things out now I need some sort of closure as it coming up to 12 months in April and feel I have to move forward instead of waiting for something, don't even know what but still feel I am in limbo. I would never have him back he is a serial lier I would even go as far to say I pity him. It is pathetic really I need to be stronger and hate him with a passion but that just isn't me.

Strength does come with time and perhaps it hasn't been long enough for me. We will get there Georgie wont we and will look back on these events in our lives and pat ourselves on the back to congratulate us on how far we have come.

I doubt whether you ex is really happy seems he is buying her love which cannot last he will hit the wall eventually and when the money runs out will she still be as keen I wonder? Kids are resilient mine don't ask about him much although they do still see him it is me that is still fighting every day just to get myself through it.

Take care x

Well he has gone away for the weekend with ow. He told the kids that he was going away to find some answers!!!! He would never go anywhere on his own and this is a woman, if I dare call her that, that he was never going to see again. He won't find any answers as it will be all lovely but reality sets in the minute he gets home. It hasn't really worked for him in the 10 months or so he has been away so doubt it will in the next 10 months. The kids asked him where he was going and he said it was none of their business, how cruel and spiteful can you get they just want to know what is going on, although I doubt even he does to be honest.

He is still at me for a settlement which I am working on but he wants to still buy himself a house so have no idea what he is thinking about. It is all crazy and I really thought that by now things would have settled down a bit, maybe when all the money can be sorted it will a little. I thought I would have moved on by now and I really should have but it so hard to do again I see him "happy" and want some of it. I know I shouldn't say it but feel I deserve this now. I so want to be happy and smile again and mean it!!

Well events have turned yet again, he left her for the umteenth time gone back to his parents saying he will never go back ago, however I have heard that so many times now and don't trust what he says anymore. He says he cannot commit to her ever and could never live with her again. He wants to buy himself a house and I know emotionally now he is struggling and drinking a lot.

He has said that he is sorry for what he did and that he will now have to live to with it and his life is just an existence now..... welcome to my world. He has never been on his own before and I know he hates it. I have been here for nearly a year which although seems a lifetime ago only seems like yesterday when he went.

I still have my good days and bad days I know last sunday I cried all day could'nt put my finger on it I just felt so lost and alone. I know I have my lovely kids but I do miss adult conversation and as I only work part time am at home most days on my own which is not a good thing. I try to arrange things but again I have no incentive or desire to do anything. I understand I must still be depressed but would have thought by now I would be rebuilding my life. It just isn't happening even though I try. I have redecorated my bedroom just to rid myself of him but apart from that the house is as he left it. It always feels strange when he comes as I feel that he has never been gone. He did ask to sleep on my sofa the other night as he could not stand the thought of going back to his parents and I said if I had done to him what he had done to me what would he have said!!

He really is feeling sorry for himself and I am trying so hard not to pity him but I do I know all he has lost at our expense of course and life will never be the same. I hope everyday for some miracle to happen that will finally snap me out of this darkness and into the light that I so crave. Maybe one day........

HELP!! I really could use some advice. I have made another offer to my ex regarding the house etc and he is not happy at all. I have not done him out of a penny but he cannot get it all right now but when the kids leave full time education etc. He says he cannot move on and buy himself anywhere to live on what I have offered. However, I am prepared to take out a big mortgage and am going up to my max. He told me to work extra hours, can you believe it I am bringing up 3 kids on my own and he wants me to work full time to fund HIS home it beggars belief.

It hasn't worked out with ow and wants a place of his own, he is so utterly selfish and not thinking of his kids let alone me but what he wants. I have never heard of a wife that has to go into huge debt to bail out her cheating husband it is just crazy. He will get every penny he is owed but just not right away his money is still in this house. I told him to rent for a while but he wants is all right away and wants to buy a 3 bedroom house for himself. To top it off he even said that he would not be expected to pay maintenance either, like he does already!!!!!

I never asked for any of this and am having to take out a huge mortgage that I will be paying for until I am 70 no chance of an easy retirement for me is there!!!

Thanks Jennifer. I don't think mediation will help and I don't think he is after reconcilliation at least I doubt that. He is trying to drive me crazy I just want this nightmare to end. It has been going on for nearly a year and am no farther forward emotionally and I really hoped I would be by now. He is suffering from depression and has terrible mood swings that are usually aimed at me but have learned to live with that.

I just hope his solicitor can talk some sense into him. It is not like I am trying to do one over on him I am giving him all he wants just not right now as I am unable to afford it. Other ex's have to wait so why can't he.

[georgie]

Oh Crush, sad to say I can believe it! My X has been attempting to order me back to work full time since last year too... not that he will be available to help with the kids now that he's moving to live in a pseudo mansion on the other side of town with his new wife. he intially wanted to lumber me with a huge mortgage too...
They are just utterly selfish, and just when u think they cant get any worse they do.
I am at the point where i have to avoid dealing directly as it just results in further manipulation and attempts at bullying me to get his own way.
They are not decent failr people.
Get as much legal advice as you can and stand firm, behind a lawyer if necessary.
dont let him get to you, dont let him bury you in debt to faciliate his adolescent dream of a free run through life sans responsibility. xxx
I'm sending all the support I can, I can honestly say I know how u feel xxx

Thanks Georgie.

Yes they are utterly selfish, he has gotten himself into this I didn't ask or deserve any of it and yet I am paying a high price for it all. I think he wants the single life now, he hasn't had the kids at a weekend since xmas when he was with ow, now he spends his time with mates drinking and he wants to play the perfect father when it suits!!! Unbelievable.

They do not see what their action do to us, I will not work full time I have a very stressful and demanding job and will not work myself into the ground and forsake my children to finance his future.

I have got a solicitor and will get advice but feel this will never end.

[luce]

The selfishness of them is so shocking isnt it Crush. Completely spins me out thinking about it. When they let the children down it is final straw. Hugs to you honey.

Hi Luce and thanks for the reply, yes they are utterly selfish but the sad part is that they cannot see it they are so wrapped up in what they want they are oblivious to it all....... one day!!!

Hi Crush

I can't give you any advice, which hasn't already been given. Make sure you get yourself a good lawyer, one you feel comfortable with and who wants the best outcome for you and your children.

Sounds like your Ex has dug himself into a hole and now thinks it's your responsibilty to dig him out of it

Sending hugs and support your way. Stay strong look after yourself

JB xxxxxx

Hi everyone, well I am here again. Not been on for a while I know but have been reading all your posts. Well my story is very much the same ex is back living with ow AGAIN!! This I really do not care about anymore.

I have now met a wonderful man and he has been in my life for 3 months now and things are going from strength to strength. He is very much in the same boat as me with a unfaithful ex wife behind him. It has been hard with the trust issue etc but I am getting more confident in myself at last.

The problem I have, again, is the ex he does not want me but does not want anyone else to either. My new man spends a lot of time at mine as I have the children and do not have the freedom to go out whenever I like. He is great with them and they have really taken to him. Ex is still demanding money and he has has become very verbal towards me again which I can well do without. The new man has never said a word to ex as it would only cause more problems.

I went away the weekend to meet his daughter who lives up north and ex tried to get into the house but couldn't, he went mad. He only wanted to come in to have a nose around whilst I wasn't there. He has no right but I am going on holiday in a couple of weeks and it is bothering me what he might do whilst I am away. Ex maintains it is HIS house, which of course is not right.

I really wish he would leave me alone, I know deep down he is not happy where he is and hasn't been for a long time but has nothing else so is trying to make the best of a bad job. I know he has rights to the house, but if I am not here do not feel he has the right to be around my personal stuff. He still justs walks in, never knocks the door and has no respect. I long for the day when all this mess is sorted out and I can get him out of my life forever. He is still seeing the children but he has become a horrible person and it is hard to believe how much he has changed.

Hi all,

I have not been on this site for a while now as life has been good. I have been in a relationship for almost 3 years now and have been very happy. My new partner now lives with me and has children of his own.

My problem is now one of trust, we all have a past but last week I found that he had e-mailed an ex girlfriend, although the text was quite innocent it was open and could have been read in two ways. He failed to mention he had a girlfriend and was living with me. He did not tell me about sending this and when confronted he denied it. When I told him I knew he said he could not remember sending it!!!. I don't mind the text but I cannot stand lies. He will not talk about it and wants me to forget about it. I know have to and move on but with all the hurt in my past I am finding it very hard.

I know he loves me, he gave up his flat to be with me which is a huge committment. How can the trust be restored.?