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Old 5th January 2010, 03:22 PM   #106
Ageing Grace
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Re: I am left devastated because he has left

Everything Georgie wrote

Quote:
Originally Posted by georgie View Post
Its a hard lesson to learn. Look at how his parents treat u, the same as my in laws, and remember there the people your x learnt his values from.
This is astute, you know, Crush. My Frog comment was meant to be a joke. Sorry if it misfired.

Ask for as much help as you need (from other people, not him!) You have a RIGHT to adequate child support. You DESERVE a fulfilling life.

xxx
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Old 5th January 2010, 09:48 PM   #107
crush
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Re: I am left devastated because he has left

Hi and thanks you are both right, and AG I liked the frog thing!!! I forgot to mention that he would not come over of xmas day to see his children open their presents instead he took his parents to her and watched her kids do theirs. That just shows where his loyalties lie and then 4 days later he leaves her. It makes no sense at all. He keeps telling me he cannot see the kids this day or that day as he "has to have a life" as he works 5 days and week and I don't and when I point out that I have not had a life for since April he just bites back at me. Again I am to blame for all his mistakes and he makes sure I pay for them!! Of course it is all rubbish he is not man enough to accept he made the biggest blunder of his life.

I know when he gets what he wants he will be ok again like he was when he was with her he is like a child stamping his feet when he cannot get his own way. The kids tell me he is miserable and snappy with them when they see him he is so wound up and like a time bomb waiting to go off.

All I want is to have a loving relationship now, I am ready for this but I find it so hard to trust anyone anymore and don't have the freedom he has to go out whenever I please. I want to show him that I now have a life and really don't need or want him anymore then I shall be happy.

Yes we can do this and we WILL do this we just need the faith in ourselves to know we will get there.
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Old 5th January 2010, 10:28 PM   #108
georgie
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Re: I am left devastated because he has left

I feel exactly the same way Crush. I just put a thread in the coffee shop (which i've just really discovered) to ask advice on moving on.
My X and yours sound similar (as mine does to anyone that behaves like a jerk actually!). Mine would not have the kids at all when I was not working. I just dont get the logic of that, I thought he should WANT to she HIS children, but no apparantly its conditional on what I'm doing. Mine also will tell me he cant have the kids on his days on a regular basis, but would NEVER consider swapping those days as why should he help me?? He is so snappy, resentful and mean with the kids, and this is while he's 'so happy' and planning his wedding, what will he be like when the 'honeymoon' period is over...
I'm so ready to meet new people and get on with my life on one hand, but am also afraid that I am vulnerable and may fall for the first person that is remotely nice to me.. so that is where i need the advice.
I dont know what happens to these people, they just wake up one day and dont give a damn about anyone but themselves. It's a horrible way to live and to be and they are to be pitied. Having said that, now is not the time to pity them - put your armour on and prepare to fight for your rights and your kids financial stability.
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Old 5th January 2010, 11:26 PM   #109
Ageing Grace
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Re: I am left devastated because he has left

Kids = inevitable side-effect of relationship.
Like:
Rash = crummy side-effect of STD.

Must deal with rash = Must deal with kids.

Get rid of STD, rash gone for ever.

Get rid of relationship, kids still here?? Wrong result! Act as if not here; maybe they'll go away (like I hoped rash would).

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Old 6th January 2010, 05:55 PM   #110
crush
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Re: I am left devastated because he has left

Georgie - yes we are in very similar circumstances with our exes. Yours is still trying to portray a perfect life and convince himself that he has done the right thing, very much doubt it though and in time it will all come crashing down around him too.

As for mine whether he goes back is another matter, he is so bitter and twisted at the moment and of course takes it out on me. I wanted him away from her as I know what sort of woman she is she knew he was married and had children and it takes a certain type of woman to destroy a family like that, she has no morals or thought for anyone but herself. I only hope that the next guy she meets, and she will sooner rather than later and will probably be married also as this seems to be the pattern with her, will see through her before his life is destroyed.

It is hard to move on especially when you have been so let down and you feel vulnerable and lose confidence in everything. I am really trying to do this now. Me and ex is definately over for ever no going back, all trust is lost and knowing where he has been makes my skin crawl.

I know there are some good guys out there but it is finding them that is the problem lol.
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Old 6th January 2010, 06:16 PM   #111
Helen_uk
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Re: I am left devastated because he has left

There are some good guys out there , but you're right, they aint easy to find ! I think there's one or two or three on here who once everything is sorted for them will definitely be good guys lol .

The problems as we get older are learning to trust again , if you've been badly hurt it's not easy to get back on that roller coaster ride.New partners too may have the exact same problems... broken relationships or marriages, children who have to be introduced to new partners etc. Everyone becomes very wary.

It can and does happen though , it takes healing time and time for self esteem to recover , I had a marriage that lasted 15 years, together 18 years and it weighed me down . I then had a 4 year relationship from hell. I'm now settled with one of the good guys and at the age of 46 I finally feel I've got it right !

Never give up hope !

Helen
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Old 17th January 2010, 09:30 PM   #112
crush
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Re: I am left devastated because he has left

Well things just get better don't they!!! Now the divorce is almost final we have the problems over the financial problems. Ex wants money now and lots of it. He is still living at his parents and says no way can he stay there but he is still seeing ow. None of it makes sense but he insists he needs to live independently as she could kick him out at any time and he has nothing, which is what has happened. The money he wants is nowhere near what I can afford and he has told me to sell the house and get something smaller. My children all have their own rooms and are devasted that they may have to start sharing. I know it should not be such a hardship but to do it because my bully of an ex demands it is not fair.

In truth I would like to leave this house there are too many bad memories but if I moved and paid him off what he wants there would be little left for me to put down on another property that would be adequate. I will have to get a mortgage but don't want to feel that all I am working for is to pay for a house, we want a life too. He expects us all to feel sorry for him now "he has nothing". Like I give a monkeys really. He wants his own place and keeps telling me he has no furniture etc etc....... so what!!

As I have said on here before ow has her own house and again her life carries on like before she has lost nothing whereas we will both be paying for this for the rest of our lives. It all seems so unfair. I need to make a decision but my one son really does not want to leave and it is worrying him so much. But I have to think long term he will leave one day and then where will I be in a house too big and too expensive and if I have to defer any settlement to ex till they leave home then my ability to move onto something else will be greatly reduced. It is such a big decision and I really don't know which way to turn.

What really gets me and it always has is the way he comes to me and blames me for everything. He said yesterday that our relationship was "dead in the water and that he had the guts to do something about it". I just did not feel that and never had so I guess he had been unhappy for a very long time which hurts even more. He still wont take any responsibility for what he did and when I say how badly he has treated me since he left he just replies "in what way". He is so thick skinned and incredibly selfish and until he has been hurt in the way he hurt me he will never understand the enormity of what he has done to his family.
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Old 17th January 2010, 10:56 PM   #113
Ageing Grace
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Re: I am left devastated because he has left

Crush, are you married and in the UK? If so, he can "want" as much as he likes but you own everything 50/50 between you and he has ongoing financial responsibilities to the children.

Others here, both in the UK and elsewhere, will have lots more information.
Don't let him bully you over this.

AG x
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Old 18th January 2010, 04:18 AM   #114
georgie
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Re: I am left devastated because he has left

Hi Crush, Dont be rushed in to anything, he's in a hurry you are not. I've heard all the exact same tales of woe from my X. He has spent the past year berating me for spending our kids money on solicitors!! He has nothing blah blah. He also loves to roll out the line that i"m going to meet someone else and end up better off then him, and that's not fair!! How is that for logic?? All the time he's lieing through his teeth about the fact that he was with the woman he cheated on me with! She is european background with young parents who will no doubt be bank rolling their wedding and setting them up with at a minimum a deposit for a home (tradition here amongst a lot of european people). He's quite happy to turf us out of our home so that he can have an even more luxurious life though! Ironically he's ended up agreeing to my terms, so in reality it was him that 'wasted' all the money we've spent on solicitors! He is still fighting about health care and education costs so that will run up another few thousand. He is still bitter, even though he is in effect stealing the redundancy payment I received after his affair has started, because he had not officially left when it was paid that became part of our overall pool of assets so he gets his share of it - and it was more the 10% of everything we have... grr, now i'm out of my high paid job and he gets the benefit as well as keeping his job and all his future redundancy entitlements.
We are dealing with totallly selfsh people. They are bullies to the core. We dont have to be victims to it anymore.
I understand (I think) how overwhelmed u feel right now, I have similar house selling/house buying things ahead of me, I'm quite terrified at the prospect of having to find a new home to fit us all within the timeframe i will have, and making sure it's close to the girls schools etc etc . It will be a big come down for the girls too, moving from this big house with a pool etc. to a little townhouse. The only thing he has to worry about is buying a suit for his big wedding, and how will he find time to shop for his honeymoon clothes!! he only sees the kids for a few hours on a saturday these days and that is spent with them being dragged around mens department stores..
The thing is that they are what they are,and they are not going to change. We'll get through this stage, and it is only a stage and we'll come out of it stronger people. Houses are only houses, its homes that matter and we have been the back bone of our homes and will continue to be.
We can do this. xxx
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Old 18th January 2010, 09:01 AM   #115
crush
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Re: I am left devastated because he has left

Hi and thanks for your replies it really helps and believe me I need all the help I can get at this horrible stage in proceedings. It is scary the prospect of me moving but deep down I think this is what I should do not only because I cannot in theory keep this house going on my own but also all the memories it holds.

I know home is where you make it and this is just another step of my life so far and yes the children will adapt too in time. I also realise that he has to move on too but I don't want to be forced into doing anything because he says so. I have had no choices since he left back in April last year and this continues. I so want to take control over my life but at every turn he seems to be in control and this is what I find so unfair.

Yes we will do this and know it takes time but I so want so kind of normality back and know where I am going in life there are too many uncertainties here at the moment and this is what I don't deal with very well.
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Old 18th January 2010, 03:42 PM   #116
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Re: I am left devastated because he has left

Georgie has given you some good advice there.

"We are dealing with totallly selfsh people. They are bullies to the core. We dont have to be victims to it anymore.
I understand (I think) how overwhelmed u feel right
now"

I am still being controlled by my Ex financially, waiting for him to pay out the rest of my settlement, he gave my lawyer a sad story and I was to soft so I agreed to wait a year, still my being soft could end up costing him more, as he may have to pay me spousal maintenance as I am trying to start a business as I couldn't get work, due to a back injury. (of course all this is my fault NOT).

You will get control back in your life Crush and you will be all the stronger for it. Take one day at a time and take little steps to help you stay in control.

Crush you are not to blame for your husbands problems, he's caused them by himself. Don't let him bully you into making hurried decisions.

JB
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Old 19th January 2010, 08:49 PM   #117
crush
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Re: I am left devastated because he has left

Hi Jellybean and yes I totally agree with you. They are very selfish people. He is demanding so much from me financially that if I we to agree, which I wont it will cripple me. He wants to buy himself a nice 3 bed house yet he does not care where me and his children go. He is happy for me to sell and buy something much much smaller so that he will be ok. It is totally selfish. I don't understand through law just how much he is entitled to. I have a solicitor working for me but guess it is just up to us to keep bashing it out.

Since he has "been away from her" which is a joke as I know he is still seeing her he has not called the kids. He still sees them but it is as though all his time is spent thinking about what he wants and needs and is not thinking of them. It is so hard to deal with.

I desparately want to move on and be in control over my life, something I have not been able to do since April last year. Some days are better and I feel more motivated then others I just feel totally lost and alone and wonder how I will cope with all of this.
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Old 26th January 2010, 10:35 AM   #118
Tom70
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Re: I am left devastated because he has left

It's so hard when such things are happening. I'm going through something like that myself and find it hard to cope.

I'm dealing with a break-up and my (formally still, but in fact former) wife and decided to start a blog. It helps me a little to vent my feelings. Check it out if you like:

http://meshehim.blogspot.com

At some point to survive and not cause damage to yourself and others (as I'm doing) you must resort to higer values that transcend single human life: faith in God and belief that it all will makes sense and that you'll understand the sense one day is the daddy of all comforts. If you don't have that, try philosopy, art.
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Old 27th January 2010, 08:49 PM   #119
crush
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Re: I am left devastated because he has left

Hi and thanks for that tom, I have read your blog and can see how it would help to write stuff down it helps rationalise it all. It is frightening to see so many people on here all going through their own personal battles and it help to talk on here too. I have received so many replies all have helped in their own way and in the very early days were my lifelife as I could not see how I would ever over come this.

I am now nearly 10 months in and it really does get easier but the battle still continues, the divorce is nearly through but still arguing about financial stuff etc. I feel he has moved on and I want to be able to do just that but don't know how. He is not living with ow now but back at his parents but he is still seeing her but at least the children are not part of it anymore they have not seen her since xmas which is just great as far as I am concerned, they will never accept her after all that has happened but know they put on brave faces because of their dad.

I just hope that this year is better for me and everyone else on here I think we all need a bit of luck, happiness and peace.
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Old 31st January 2010, 06:49 PM   #120
crush
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Re: I am left devastated because he has left

Don't they always just amaze you!! My ex certainly does. He told the kids during the week that he wanted to something with them on sunday, he has been seeing them but only for an hour a couple of times per week. When he was "living" with ow he would have them every other weekend and sleep them over now he is living with his parents, for now at least even though he is still seeing ow these visits have dropped off. He came today for an hour to see them and then went. I have since found out that the reason he could not see them was because he was seeing his mate in the pub all afternoon, so much for wanting to see his kids.

I know it is his loss but he just does not put himself out for them at all now it is always just a token gesture. The kids were disappointed and angry which is understandable but I guess what can you expect anymore. I can barely talk to him at the moment as I am so sick of the lies so I don't engage in conversation anymore so I cannot get angry at him.

What is going on with ow at the moment I have no idea I know he is up to something as their relationship is going backwards as far as I am concerned and am wondering if it is do with finances or her losing her benefits. Whilst I do not care what he does anymore I do get annoyed when the kids are involved.
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