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Old 2nd August 2009, 03:05 PM   #76
crush
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Re: I am left devastated because he has left

Once again I am in turmoil, back to square one again. H went out last night and I found out he spent the night with the ow. Today he says he is going back to again despite all the misgivings he has had over the last couple of weeks. There were many lies and deciet and manipulation going on and to top it all it hated her kids. My god is he so dim, yet he tells me he cannot help his feelings for her. Yet yesterday he was telling me how sorry he was and how much he loved me and could we take each day at a time and see where we went.

I am angry with myself for allowing him to come here and off load all his woes, I partly wanted to have answers myself to many questions I had and I got them and much much more. I just cannot understand him, he said he needed to be on his own but he seem incapable of this. I know he was hoping I would say well come on move back in but I just could not do it, yet rather than be on his own he has gone back to all the problems he had there. It just makes no sense to me at all.

I really do not think there was any going back between us as the trust had gone but all I wanted was him to be away from her as she is pure poison. Again the children heard him tell them that it was all over with ow and he would be a good dad and come around as often as he could and today he is telling them that he is moving back in with ow. They are confused and it is so cruel to treat his children in this way. He wants the same access as before but I am very wary of her, as I always have been. I just don't want my kids around her but am helpless to stop it happening.

I honestly don't think in the long term it can work, it has only been 4 months and they have already split about 4-5 times. It does not bode too well does it. Still that is his problem and once again I am left picking up the pieces and trying to talk to the kids about all that has happened.

But no more I am done with him now and have told him so, if he should get fed up again I will be there to pick up the pieces any more. Now is definately going to me my time and I will strive to move forward again.
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Old 2nd August 2009, 11:31 PM   #77
Ageing Grace
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Re: I am left devastated because he has left

It's really hard, isn't it Crush

What you said above was right, you know. No-one can live a proper life while they're half-hoping, half-fearing, and never knowing what the situation is. To put children through that is immeasurably cruel.

Give yourself your 'me' time! Have lovely times with kids. Create a stable, secure home - you'll never look back

Wishing you good luck & a following wind,
AG
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Old 3rd August 2009, 10:02 PM   #78
crush
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Re: I am left devastated because he has left

Thanks AG and I know deep down that I will not look back. H is now a different person to the one who left me 4 months ago. I don't like this person I see now and know I deserve a lot better. He has text me twice today only about the kids but have ignored both, at this moment I cannot look at him or talk to him. I know it is only a matter of time before he falls on his face again but then that is not going to me my problem now and I am done.

I am trying to look ahead, it is hard but I think all that has happened in the last couple of weeks has made me realise that I can cope without him and that I don't and never will feel the same way about him as I did. He killed it the day he walked out on us all.

In the end it is his loss and he will lose I am certain of it. He is not seeing his kids now till Wednesday that is 4 days and he lives literally 500 yds down the road, it is disgusting especially as he says he cannot stand the ow kids so how can he be there 24/7 and not even pop into see his own kids who miss him so much.

Words fail me that anyone can do this but then I know they do. He thinks he is right and is doing the right thing. Oh god how wrong he is. I will move on and am looking forward to happier times where or who with I have yet to find out but know in the long run I will be happier and so will out kids.
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Old 5th August 2009, 11:29 PM   #79
crush
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Re: I am left devastated because he has left

Well he came to see the kids today first time since sunday. I could not even look at him this time let alone talk to him, I just don't want anything to do with him. I cannot still believe after all he has told me about ow that he can just move back in again and carry on as if nothing has happened. To make it worse of course he is taking children there which I can do nothing to stop. It angers me so much.

Yet ultimately this is his decision again, perhaps because I would not take him back immediately or possibly never, who knows. All I do know that he is now on his own and I will never be a shoulder to cry on again. I know I deserve better.
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Old 9th August 2009, 08:01 PM   #80
crush
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Re: I am left devastated because he has left

I feel so liberated today, I have cleared all of h clothes, the ones he did not want to take when he left for ow. I have bagged it all up for him to take, I just want everything gone and it leaves me so much more space.

He came again today to see kids and he is acting like nothing has happened again. I know he is living a lie and he knows I know. But then thats up to him, it really is not my problem any more.

I can honestly say that after just of 4 months, it feels a damn sight longer I can tell you but I am starting to feel stronger and more able to deal with life again. I am looking forward to going back to work in a couple of weeks. I have been off since he left with depression. I will never let him wear me down again and now the only way is up. I went out on Friday with some girl friends and we had great time and found myself laughing. It did me the world of good and am going to ensure I get more nights out with my mates I think it is what I need.

A big thanks to everyone who posts, it really helps.x
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Old 9th August 2009, 09:47 PM   #81
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Re: I am left devastated because he has left

Good for you Crush... Keep strong and focused and you will get through the other side as we all will one day!

There is a distinct pattern emerging from your and others posts that I can see in my own situation. I may even start putting together a post to really highlight this pattern although I am sure there are cleverer people out there who have already done it, it may help me and a few others.

Like you I cannot even look at 'her' when I pick the children up let alone bring myself to talk to 'her'. I don't want anything to do with 'her'. The decision, 'her' decision has been made and, now, as far as I am concerned 'she' can get on with it.

Keeping things 'normal' for the children at hand over is difficult. I handle this by focusing ALL my attention on them from the moment I see them until they are in the car.

Today I pick the children up to find that the youngest had no shoes. 'Her' reason... 'She' could not find them and had searched high and low for them. So 'she' decided to bring the children, one with new shoes the other with no shoes at all. On hearing this news I looked up at 'her', simply shook my head and then continued with the children. I uttered not one word to 'her' but she knew... 'she' knew.

I too went out on Friday night with some old and new friends. I had a great time and laughed! Long may it continue.

Keep up the strength Crush. 4 months IS a long time. I am 2 months in and it too feels like a whole lot longer than that.

I wish you all the best for the coming trials and tribulations... We will get there
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Old 16th August 2009, 10:46 PM   #82
crush
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Re: I am left devastated because he has left

Well had another trauma this weekend. My son played football, I had already taken him out of the team that ow went to and now my h came to see him play and bought her and her kids with him. Again, it was very awkward watching them all over each other. It is the complete insensitiveness of it all that gets to me. After everything has has gone on over the last few weeks he is back with her with a vengence. He is looking forward to going on holiday with her and her kids of course my kids are jealous as they are going abroad.

He is demanding more sleepovers etc, he is so controlling and looking back I think he has always done this to me but over the years I have learnt to live with it. Not any more I can tell you he will not keep dictating to me. It always is and always will be what he wants he has no concern or care for anyone else. Such a selfish attitude it stinks. I know his friends will not not meet with him anymore if she is with him as he has told them all about her and the way she is. He has lost all credibility and feel he is in complete denial as to what he is doing.

Not to say that I would ever have him back, I know 100% that it is over and would never allow myself to be so stupid as to fall for his bull s**t again.

I am stronger and feel more able to carry on but days like today do make me feel like I am taking 1 step forward but 4 back. I just long for the day, whenever that may be when I find someone again, not that I am looking at the moment but when it happens I would like to be able to show him how hurtful it can be to flaunt yourself at another. I know revenge is not the way to go but want him to hurt some day as much as we all have been hurt. I know it will happen.
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Old 17th August 2009, 09:55 PM   #83
crush
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Re: I am left devastated because he has left

Another god awful day I,m afraid, today was his birthday and he has had kids all day today. I did not wish him happy birthday just could not bring myself to do it. He was meant to be bringing them back tonight but suddenly they want to sleep over. I know he must have put the idea into their heads. So he has had them now 2 days almost and I miss them too. Ow even took my daughter out on her own. Can you believe the utter cheek of it all. When I mentioned this to h he could not see the problem. And to think 3 weeks ago he had left her and was telling me how much he loved me you can see how confused and angry I am at all of this.

He is going on holiday with ow and her kids in a couple of weeks and he acts like he did when he left me 4.1/2 months ago. He is back to being arrogant and demanding all that he wants, which at this moment is more access and sleepovers. It makes me sick to the bone the way he behaves and can see no wrong. I told him to look at it from the other side, which he wont and don't think he ever will, I know he would go mad if I were carrying on like he is.

Also found out that his parents have also been today for a "get together" at her house, you don't know how much a kick in the teeth that feels like either. I just seem to have been forgotten completely and ow has taken over my whole life.

I know that what comes around goes around, I have said it before many times and just hope it is sooner rather than later so he can get his just rewards.
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Old 18th August 2009, 03:16 AM   #84
Ageing Grace
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Re: I am left devastated because he has left

Crush, I appreciate why you found Dave's link, above, a little hard to take.

I'm with the author of that piece 100%. All she's saying, in her very moving way, is that we can't run another person's feelings for them. If we love them, we stand by - and get along with our own lives - while they figure themselves out.

It's like that old proverb about the caged bird: let it fly; if it really is 'yours', it will come back.

Her "bird" did come back. Not all of them do. Believe me, I know how unspeakably painful it is to see someone you love turn away from you & act with no apparent regard for your feelings, even in normal social terms. It stinks.

Your husband's behaviour is, currently, crass and - well, downright rude! Of course you feel offended; hijacking family events this way would be unacceptable in a babysitter, never mind your co-parent and recent spouse! But ... if you can, let it go.

I'm not saying "let it go" out of any idea that you've somehow failed, or fallen short. You haven't, at least not in any way that matters. The woman who wrote that article seems to imply that she was right (and, by extension, everyone else is wrong). But that is *not what she says*. All she's saying is ... you can't force it. Let it go.

Build your life. Gather your friends. Love your children. Do your 'you' stuff. BE your self, not half of something. It's all you can do: it's the best you could possibly do, too! This is, also, the way to show your chldren how a person can respect themself, and to have pride in who & what they are

You have every right to be angry. Vent it here, in the pub with your friends, and down the gym - but don't let it rule your life, you're worth more than that. Stand your ground on things that matter long-term, while rising beyond the small things. It'll be interesting to see how his new scene plays out, when you stop providing the role of the enemy ... but that really isn't the point!

The point, for you, is The Life Of Crush Make it a great story!

Edited:
Just realised this sound like a load of waffle without any concrete suggestions.

Example: football.

Leaving aside the atrocious manners of the 'other couple', your primary concern is obviously what this all means to your kids. Please don't think you have to manage your childrens' experience here - what's happening is happening and, as long as they feel comfortable they can discuss anything with you, they'll find their own way through. Don't underestimate peer power! At least half of any school class, these days, has complicated parentage. Your childrens' classmates will be far more savvy than you might expect, and will provide their own kiddy brand of support.

For you, the question has to be: Are you there because you really want to watch the game, or as a show of parenthood? If you've always attended every game, are a part-time ref and clean up the clubhouse - you belong there & your place is on the touch line. If you're just being a mum ... do the chauffeur service, and spend the match time having your hair done or phoning your friends.

Which is to say (stuck record alert) - be yourself, do what YOU do, don't be tempted to play the part of abandoned spouse!

Good luck,
AG x

Last edited by Ageing Grace; 18th August 2009 at 04:07 AM. Reason: addition
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Old 18th August 2009, 11:19 PM   #85
crush
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Re: I am left devastated because he has left

Thanks AG and yes you have to let them free I understand that but he had already made his choice and as such I really could never take him back. To have him say to me that he did not love me and wish to take time out to discover himself so to speak would have been an option and one in which I would have waited. It is always painful whatever the situation as you feel so helpless and let down. In life lots of obstacles are brought into our path and we all have to deal with them in the way in which we feel best. That is not to say it will turn out good in the end and we have to face the reality of the situation.

As you say, and I totally agree I need to rebuild MY life and not worry about his anymore. My only concern are for my kids and to ensure they have as happy a childhood as I can give them. H sees them regularly and they look forward to seeing him. Despite how painful it is for me knowing they are sleeping under ow house I have to let them go. I know I will never lose them but they do need both parents. I will continue to rebuild my dreams and try not to concentrate on him and his relationship as I know until I let go I cannot fully move on.

One day at a time though...

Last edited by crush; 18th August 2009 at 11:21 PM. Reason: adding
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Old 22nd August 2009, 11:25 PM   #86
crush
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Re: I am left devastated because he has left

Well folks I am turning a new chapter in my single life as I will be returning to work on monday after nearly 5 months. I need this now I need a new focus and something else to think about. I hate the fact that h has prevented me from working, again feel he has controlled this to a certain extent. But no more.

When I see him now I don't really talk to him but he is trying to be friendly with me and tries to start chatting but he sees that I am not interested. I have no idea how his relationship is going as I don't ask and not really that interested. He has a way of hiding his emotions so never know what is going on inside that head of his. I do believe that he feels he has made his bed now and there is no going back so he has to make this work or else.


I am feeling a bit more confident now, am seeing friends for nights out when I can and having a laugh. Have a few things coming up in the coming months that give me things to look forward to. I won't go as far as to say life is good but it is definately getting a little bit better. About time.
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Old 22nd August 2009, 11:47 PM   #87
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Re: I am left devastated because he has left

It will keep getting better too. A little at a time. You just have to ride it out. Just don't let him trick you again !
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Old 23rd August 2009, 12:39 PM   #88
crush
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Re: I am left devastated because he has left

Thanks MSC71 I know it will, things can never be as bad as they have been. I do take each day at a time now try not to look to far forward. It would be nice to have things to look forward to but maybe in time this will come also. I will never let him get to me again in the way that he has as I know I will get stronger and in time it may be him that will become so weak, I do hope so.

Everyone on here is so supportive despite their own problems and it really does help to know others are going through the same heartache, but for all of us there is light at the end of the tunnel even if we cannot see it just yet.
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Old 23rd August 2009, 02:10 PM   #89
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Re: I am left devastated because he has left

Quote:
Originally Posted by crush View Post
Thanks MSC71 I know it will, things can never be as bad as they have been. I do take each day at a time now try not to look to far forward. It would be nice to have things to look forward to but maybe in time this will come also. I will never let him get to me again in the way that he has as I know I will get stronger and in time it may be him that will become so weak, I do hope so.

Everyone on here is so supportive despite their own problems and it really does help to know others are going through the same heartache, but for all of us there is light at the end of the tunnel even if we cannot see it just yet.

I think the biggest fear going into something like this is the unknown. Change is hard, especially a big change. I think you willl look back on this one day and be glad it all happened. Getting through it all is the tough part.
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Old 23rd August 2009, 06:53 PM   #90
crush
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Re: I am left devastated because he has left

I totally agree with you MSC71, when you have been in a relationship for many years to find yourself alone is a very scary prospect and one that does take a bit of getting used to. My life has changed so dramatically over the last 5 months and am still trying to come to terms with it all. I hope as you say that one day I will look back and think he has done me a favour. At this time though I cannot see that far ahead. Maybe when and if I find someone to share it all with again I will think that. Getting through it all and ahead is of course the hardest part and in doing so only allows you to take each day at a time.
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