I am left devastated because he has left

[Raymond]

It is a bit odd if he stays there all day talking about his problems. I can understand him wanting to take the children out. There doesn't appear to be any grounds for the divorce, which could be the reason why there is no closure. Had she committed adultery perhaps it would have been more straightforward. She has got a boyfriend and he has got a girlfriend which might indicate there is not a full committment to the new relationships. My feeling is that you would be better off out of it to be honest.

Originally Posted by Raymond

It is a bit odd if he stays there all day talking about his problems. I can understand him wanting to take the children out.

Yes. I totally agree.
He's there to "win her back".
No man will spend a whole day chatting to a woman he has no interest in.

I don't think he is there to win him back Lost. He does takes his kids out when he goes over. But one thing that is a bit odd though is that he still has a key to her house. Not that he uses it but the excuse is if she is not back then he can get in. Surely the mom usually knows what time the kids are coming home so are back to meet them. Again the cord has not been cut.

Reading through the posts I have made and the comments left does highlight to me the issues that are very much real. He just wont deal with any of them.

He has such an issue with me talking to my ex h it is ridiculous. When I say anything about the time he spends with ex w all I get is well "i will move out then". I don't think he would mind you but I don't like the threats when I hit a nerve. It is all about him being amicable with ex w which I have no objection to but it has to be double sided. Again I refer to email to ex gf which still has not been mentioned. If I had done it I would never hear the end of it all, I just know. He has probably discussed this with ex w too. I just feel like the "other woman" and it does not feel very nice.

The issues involved are all about him and his previous life but not dealing with it makes us unable to move forward, he doesnt get that at all. It seems to be his way or no way which isnt fair in my mind. You have to be equal in any relationship and yes I am carrying him financially at the moment but nothing will make him do the right thing. I am completely at a loss.

[chosen]

Originally Posted by crush

He has such an issue with me talking to my ex h it is ridiculous. When I say anything about the time he spends with ex w all I get is well "i will move out then". I don't think he would mind you but I don't like the threats when I hit a nerve. It is all about him being amicable with ex w which I have no objection to but it has to be double sided. Again I refer to email to ex gf which still has not been mentioned. If I had done it I would never hear the end of it all, I just know. He has probably discussed this with ex w too. I just feel like the "other woman" and it does not feel very nice.
.
The issues involved are all about him and his previous life but not dealing with it makes us unable to move forward, he doesnt get that at all. It seems to be his way or no way which isnt fair in my mind. You have to be equal in any relationship and yes I am carrying him financially at the moment but nothing will make him do the right thing. I am completely at a loss.

Crush the threats that he makes to move out when you challenge him on the unfairness of all this is very manipulative. Yes he hasnt cut those ties and he will never be ready for another relationship until he does. You need to make it clear that as long as he keeps that relationship with HIS ex, you will do the same with YOUR ex.
If he makes threats then let him. If he moves out then let him.To be honest he is not giving much to this relationship is he, and he isnt treating you with any respect at all.

When I met my husband, his ex, despite having met another man and divorcing him, hadnt cut the ties. She still expected him to do things for her and sort out her paperwork etc even after WE married. Their children were 18 and 21 so there was no need for them to have any contact. In the end my husband had to be firm and say that she wasnt to contact him any more unless it was an emergency concerning the boys. She never has. If one wont cut those ties then the other needs to, but it seems that in this case neither wants to do that.

[Helen_uk]

Sorry crush , but that is total emotional blackmail . Threatening to move out if you challenge him about the time he spends there . That's not the words of an adult person at all.

You have children with YOUR ex, therefore you are going to have a certain amount of contact.

To be blunt , your partner needs to grow a pair and start being a man about things.

After your last experience you don't need this , and you don't deserve it .

Hi all, yes you would think that after nearly 6 years it would be all settled. Do other couples in similar circumstances live like this. Don't get me wrong she doesn't keep phoning him etc or the other way round they both get on with their own lives. Its just the loose ends that need to be sorted out. I know for sure they would still be married now if I had not kept asking the question why?

I do feel that when he goes over to see his kids its like hes going home, maybe thats my problem to deal with but it seems as though it gets him away from here and the stresses that we have into something neutral. I have always felt that she has wanted to keep him at arms length and maybe in the earlier days after they split he always hoped that she would want him back.

I did mention to him the other day about him not coming to terms with their split as it came as such a shock, he never wanted it I know. He did not really have an answer as usual but by the look on his face I had hit home about it all. Obviously, he misses his kids, of course he does but then so many families are in his situation and get on with it. As I have mentioned before he left his oldest daughter many miles away but has never felt guilty about it. He amd first wife don't have anything to do with each other unless ex w and child have an argument then she will get on the phone and have a rant at him, but she is now an adult so I know its different but its not consistent with both ex's. If it was I could understand but he seems to have too much loyalty there.

He does need to face up to things, Helen, I agree and then we may be able to start living our lives properly as I don't need it after all the heart ache I have been through. I do always hit a brick wall with it all.